Sunday - Have you ever had one of those weird days where you feel like you've just...I don't know...stepped into a whole other level of your life? Like...things from there are going to seriously change from that moment on, and you'll never be able to get back to square one ever again?
It's hard to explain. It's just a feeling I got today. No particular reason.
It kinda started when I called Sam today. It took him a while to answer the phone, and I almost half expected him not to be home. Then he finally picked up and he sounded so...different. I was like, "I'm sorry about yesterday. I had to go to my aunt Janet's house with my mom. I tried to call you, but I guess you were out."
And he was just like, "Yeah. It's cool." But he didn't say anything else. I couldn't tell if he was mad at me, or what? But...I didn't want to let things linger. When I asked him if he wanted to come over today instead, he said, "Um...sure. I'll be there in a minute." It was so unemotional. So flat. It's not like he HAD to see me or anything. Whatever. Like I said, he was being weird. Maybe he's fighting with his mom again. Who knows?
He came over, and he barely looked me in the eye when he was at the back door. And it took almost twenty minutes before he even got anywhere close to being normal again. Everything was kinda mumbled and confusing, and he kept picking at his fingernails instead of making any kind of sense. Then he left twenty minutes after that. It just wasn't like him. Yesterday he was all gung ho about this 'big talk' we were supposed to have about me not being mad at him anymore, and today he just wants to stop in, drop a few sentences, and leave. Something is bgging him, I can tell. And I don't think it's this girlfriend situation.
He did tell me, "Look, I just want things to be ok between us, BIlly. Honestly. I know that things got all fucked up, but I miss us just being 'cool', you know? I mean, if you ever wanna come eat with Joanna and me in the cafeteria some time....or maybe just hang out at the mall on Saturday or something...you can. I mean, it's ok. Right?"
Psh! Like THAT'S gonna happen! "Sure. Maybe. Some time." I said. But I really had nothing left to say to her after she practically stomped all over my self esteem and stole my best friend and first crush away from me. It's kinda hard to go back to being buddy buddy with her. I do miss hanging out with Lee though. More on him in a minute.
Sam seemed to cheer up a little bit when I said it, but he was still really nervous. It was cute to think that he'd try to create this new arrangement out of the ruins of what we all had before. I guess it was just important to him that his best friend and his girlfriend got along. But the fact of the matter is, I can't really promise him that we will. In fact, I'm willing to bet that she can't either. And if she's going to be one of those permanent parts of his life from now on that I can't stand, and Brandon's gonna be a permanent part of my life that I can't tell him about...then...
(I can't believe I'm about to write this)
...Maybe we can't be best friends anymore.
Sighhhh....I don't even wanna think about that. FORget I even said that.
Something else weird happened today. Bobby called me on the phone later this afternon. I saw his name on the caller ID, and hesitated before picking it up. But something just made me feel bad for him. I felt like I really should at least keep talking to him, even if it was a bit awkward. So I picked up and said hello. He seemed to be so quiet this time around. He asked me how I was doing, and wanted to make sure that everything was alright. And he said, "It's too bad we don't have swimming anymore, huh?" Which I guess was his way of saying that he liked seeing me naked. Or maybe that he liked me seeing him naked. Who knows with Bobby? He can be hard to read sometimes. Anyway, I guess he got down to the point of his phone call, and I could hear him fidgeting a bit on the other end of the line. Then he's like, "So....have you seen Brandon lately?" Just like that. Out of the blue, as though that was a normal tidbit of conversation that we usually talk about.
I said, "No. Not since Friday." I didn't want to tell him about yesterday. He seems to be piecing things together just fine without me having to say a word. Even if he doesn't want to believe it. I asked him, "Why?"
And he says, "No reason. Just wondering." He paused for a second, and then he added, "I mean, you guys are friends and all now...so...I thought maybe you were hanging out this weekend." He was sounding strange, and then he said, "He's gay, you know?"
Which, to me, was like....WHAT??? Did Bobby just 'out' Brandon to me over the phone? What was that all about? It took me by surprise. I'm like, "What?"
And he's like, "He's gay. Just...thought you should know. Don't tell him I told you though." I seriously hope Bobby isn't as liberal with MY sexuality when he's on the phone with other people. "That's probably why he's been hanging around you so much. I don't know, maybe he likes you or something." He said, pretty much fishing around for me to incriminate myself by saying yes or no. I still couldn't believe he was doing this. And then, he's like...waiting for me to answer. Like, what the hell am I supposed to say to that? Then he's like, "Soooo...I mean...just in case he likes you...at least you know. I mean...maybe he doesn't know that you kinda...sorta...have a..." Omigod! I think he stopped himself before saying it, but I think he was getting ready to say BOYFRIEND!!! And that terrified me! He stopped talking for a second, and then said, "...have somebody. You know? Somebody else. Um...NOT that you do, or anything. Just...maybe he doesn't know whether or not...you're...or might be...interested in anyone else. Maybe. Sorta. Kinda." Awwww, Bobby! NO! Aw dude, this is all backwards! I'm not...he wasn't supposed to think....arrrrgh! We just, 'hooked up' once or twice, that's all. We had some fun, and it was hot, but...we were never, like, boyfriends. It's not like we went out to dinner, or the movies, or cuddled up on the living room couch in front of the fireplace. We had sex. Horny teenage boy sex. A BUNCH of it in a short time, sure, but it was just supposed to be sex. That's it. And even THAT was mostly because I was angry with Brandon for not calling me while he was away. Where did he build up this huge secret romance between us? I think he got really self conscious about what he was implying, and I was still pretty much speechless at the moment, so he said, "But...well...yeah. You don't have to say...anything about...anything....really." He was kinda trying to say ten things at once, and NOT say twenty things at the same time, and all I got were these nervous bits and pieces of a larger sentence in the midst of all that confusion. But soon he got so topsy turvy about it that all he wanted to do was get off the phone. "So yeah, I should go. But, um....you still have my number, right? I can give it to you again if you need it."
I'm, like, finally able to speak again, and I say, "Yeah. I got it."
And he says, "Cool. Just...just thought I'd check. Because you never really...call...or anything..." He stopped himself right there, and said, "Well...I've gotta go." But before he said goodbye, he asks me really quick, "I don't suppose you wanna come over today....or something?"
And I'm like, "No. I can't. Not today." I was trying so hard to just be...polite or something. I didn't want to hurt him, I just...I don't know how to keep him from 'liking' me so much.
Then he says, "Yeah. I kinda figured that. So....later." And he hung up the phone. I'm pretty sure that he knows that Brandon and I are together. I mean, he's gotta know by now. The only question is whether or not he's gonna leave it alone now that he knows. Maybe I should just come right out and tell him. I mean...I'm only hurting him more if I let this drag out any longer, right? Or....or maybe I should let his feelins for me die down a bit, and then tell him later. After he's dettached himself from me a little more. Yeah, maybe that would be better. I just have to..avoid him for a few days longer. And if he doesn't get the hint by the end of the week, then I'll tell him.
Ok, so seeing Sam this morning and talking about hanging out at the mall gave me this urge to call Lee on the phone and catch up with him. It had been a while since we actually spoke to each other, and hearing his voice was much cuter than just seeing his words on the computer screen. He sounded really happy to hear from me, which made me wiggle in my seat. He has the most adorable pitch in his voice when he's excited, you know? It's crazy. Anyway, he pretty much jumped right into the whole deal of, "When are we gonna hang out? What's up? You don't wanna see me anymore?"
And I told him, "Of course, I wanna see you. Where do you wanna go?"
And he said, "I don't care. Just somewhere. You wanna catch a movie or something? There's a new horror flick playing at the Cineplex, and I know somebody who works the box office so we won't get the whole 'under 17' boot. Are you game?"
I was like, "Hell yeah! I'm always game for blood and guts!" He said he'd look up the times and find out when his friend was working there so we could get in. I wondered briefly if I should bring Brandon along with me. Hehehe, it's so funny to suddenly have, like, this boyfriend that I can take places and hang out with, you know? I can't believe how normal it is to just consider having him at my side no matter what I'm doing. I'll ask him when I see him tomorrow. It'll be fun.
So, at some point, I had to ask Lee, "Listen...Sam was over here earlier today, and he seemed...I dunno, kinda weird. Do you know what's up with him?"
Lee was like, "No. Not that I've seen him this weekend, but Sam seemed pretty normal the last time I saw him. Him and Joanna worked things out pretty well, and she's happy to have him back."
I said, "Yeah, I'll bet." And Lee laughed at me.
He said, "Hehehe, grumble, grumble...yeah, I know. But you should see them, they're cute."
I'm not sure where it came from, but I suddenly got the urge to say, "You mean you didn't try to get him to 'fool around' with you first?" I was smiling at the time, but the second the words left my mouth, I felt like an asshole. Omigod, that was really...like...RUDE! Wasn't it? I shouldn't have even brought it up. Ugh, why did I say that?
Luckily for me, Lee found it funny and didn't take offense to the comment about him and Jimmy. But I've gotta learn to think before I speak. Geez! What's really weird is, after he laughed, Lee says, "Nah! I'm saving my 'fooling around' just for you, Billy. Promise." Which...put the most AWESOME image in my head!
I felt this little tremble in my chest, and I said, "Well, you did say you would do it with me."
And he's all, "Did I say that?"
And I said, "Yes, you did. In fact, you said you would 'definitely' fool around with me." Was I flirting? I didn't want to flirt. Well, maybe I did, but...I dunno. Lee's too cute NOT to flirt with.
He's like, "Ohhh, I said 'definitely'? Well, then I must have meant it. But you'll have to come to the movies with me first and find out. I'm no cheap piece of ass, you know?" Which made me giggle uncontrollably. I hope that didn't sound too girly. Anyway, the date is set. I told him I might bring Brandon, and he said that was cool. So it looks like we're going to the movies!
Shit! Look at what time it is? Ok, I'm going to bed. I'll be such a zombie tomorrow if I don't at least get some decent sleep. I'll write more soon! Later!