Wednesday - Shit.....
You know just when I was under the impression that I could still successfully hide thing from my very best friend in the world...he reminds me just how hopelessly 'open' I am to him in every possible way.
It's like, I went down to eat lunch with him and Joanna today, and they were actually able to keep their hands off of each other long enough for it to be tolerable. (I'm sorry...but I don't think I'm ever going to reach a point where the two of them being all snuggly and in love isn't going to bother me in some way. I'm always gonna feel like Sam is partly mine, no matter what.) Weirdly enough, Joanna was going out of her way to be nice to me again. Trying to laugh with me and make conversation and she even invited me out to the mall with the old gang again this weekend. Should I be suspicious of stuff like this? I don't know. But it's far from normal I didn't realize that we were going for the 'buddy of the year' award here.
So anyway, we finish lunch, and we're leaving the cafeteria, right? And Joanna wants to run back in and borrow a Physics book from her friend, Sherri, and that's when I see Brandon coming in the side door from outside. And he's not alone either. He's got that same damn emo boy with him! And it's JUST the two of them this time! Where's the THIRD boy??? Why are the two of THEM sneaking around outside for lunch???
I swear...my throat tightened up until I almost couldn't breathe, and I could feel this giant rotating ball of anger spinning out of control in the middle of my stomach! I would love to think for a second that he was doing this to purposely make me jealous...but he WASN'T! He didn't even see me there at first! Plus they spent their whole fucking LUNCH period together without me around! So...I'm just....ARRRGH!!!
Ok....ok, so what? I deserve it, right? I mean...I hurt him first. And I fooled around behind his back, and that wasn't fair to hi at all. But...it REALLY hurts to be soooo sorry for something and just...not be able to DO anything to make it right. I just...I wanna make it up to him! I KNOW that I deserve to be heartbroken, and alone, and I'm sure that the whole world wants to hurt and punish me for the rest of my fucking life like the worthless trash that I am...but I SILL love my Brandon! And I'm ALWAYS gonna love him! I'm NEVER going to give that up! So fuck the rest of humanity if they see me as some kind of a selfish idiot! I want my boyfriend back!
The sick thing is...somewhere between me glaring at some boy pawing my ex, and trying not to look more hurt than I've ever been in my life...I tipped Sam off as to something being extremely wrong. It's not like he wouldn't be able to notice the sudden shift in my mood, but I wasn't thinking about that at the time. Especially when I saw the other boy get on his tip toes to whisper something in Brandon's ear. Then they both giggled out loud and I saw Brandon blush. A sweet little blush that used to exist just for me....just for...
Sighhh...whatever. I'm depressing myself here.
Anyway, so Sam asks me what's up. And I have to literally shake myself free of the pain. I'm like, "Huh? Nothing." Yeah, right. Like I EVER expected that to work on Sam.
He's like, "No, really. What happened? You were just smiling like ten seconds ago. What's up?"
And I'm already agitated, so I get angry at Sam just for asking me a second time, and I'm like, "Just leave it the fuck alone. Alright? It's nothing."
Well, I guess I said it loud enough for Brandon to hear my voice, and he looks up and sees me standing there. His pretty smile fades almost instantly, and he just rolls his eyes, gives his little 'friend' a nod, and they start to walk away. Which hurt even MORE! And of course Sam saw that too, and he's like, "What the hell is his problem? I thought you guys were tight?"
I'm like, "Yeah, well...not anymore. So fuck him." It was a lie. I just needed to say...I dunno...SOMETHING to get this emotional acid from eating a hole right through me. But again...Sam was left looking at me as though I was trying to hide an 800 pound gorilla behind my back.
Then he looks back at Brandon, who sorta looks back at me over his shoulder as he rounds the corner, and I kinda look down at the floor, swallowing as much misery as I possibly can. And that's when it clicks for Sam. The silence made me look back at Sam's face, and it had changed completely. And he says, "Oh my God...it was Brandon, wasn't it?" It wasn't so much a 'question', as it was just him asking me to confirm what he already knew, or lie about it. He's like, "All that time you guys were hanging out, and going to lunch, and...awwww, dude...how did I not see that?"
I didn't deny it. How could I? It was written all over my face. All I could do was tell him, "Look, just...don't worry about it, ok? It's done, anyway."
And Sam is like, "Done? What do you mean, it's done? Did he do something?"
I'm like, "No. I did something."
So he's all, "What did you do?"
And I have to tell him, "DON'T!" He already looked anxious, and I just wanted to avoid this whole thing altogether. I said, "You CAN'T help me with this, ok? I know you wanna be a god friend, and...and you're awesome for it, but...this isn't something you can 'fix'."
NOW he's getting frustrated, and he's starts off saying, "Dude...why can't you just talk to me and let me know what's..." And thankfully that's when Joanna comes back, and I tell him to shut up. I don't think I've ever been happier to see her hug up under Sam's arm before. And Sam kept his mouth shut, but he was tight lipped with the almost uncontrollable urge to makeme talk. I know how protective Sam has always been when it came to his best friend...but this is something that he could only make worse by getting involved. I need him to stay out of this one. Besides, the LAST thing I need is for him to find out about Bobby Jinette. I REALLY don't want to go into detail as to how that whole situation went down.
Sam tried to tell Joanna that he was gonna walk with me to class, but I made sure to back away from the both of them before he had the opportunity to 'chase' me. I didn't need the harassment. I had enough heartbreak to deal with on my own without getting him wrapped up in it too.
Oh...and yeah, I saw Jimmy today at school. He was standing at his locker, big dopey grin on his face and all, calling me over with an excited wave of his hand. He was just...so happy, you know? I mean, seriously...this was the brightest his eyes have ever been. I've never seen him just GLOW like that before. It was almost unnatural. But it was tainted by the threat of what was causing it. And I might have to be the one to tell him. Which sucks.
He was all like, "SOOOOO? Billy...what did you think? I was so totally waiting for you to email me or call me or something last night! Isn't Alex gorgeous???" Ugh...he's not making it easy.
I'm like, "Yeah...he's cute."
But Jimmy keeps pushing, like, "He's MORE than cute, Billy. Come on, admit it, he's HOT! And he's sweet! And he's funny! And he's charming! And I'm so in love that I'm surprised that I can even CONTAIN myself!" He was practically spinning in circles at this point, and he had reached the point where he didn't care who heard him talking about being in love with another boy. I almost couldn't get him to calm down. "Billy...he's soooo incredibly tender with me. He says the most amazing things to me when I least expect it. And when he kisses me...I feel like I wanna DIE inside!"
He went on and on, and I just...I couldn't find a way to even BEGIN a conversation that would somehow take him down a few notches and maybe listen to a hint of caution. I mean, how do you warn somebody to be careful of someone that has been put on such a high pedestal? If I had to think back to the first time AJ sweet-talked me into being his 'cum dump'...I wonder...would *I* have listened to somebody else trying to warn me? Honestly, would I have listened to reason? Somehow I doubt it. Which means that I'm gonna have to find another way to go about this before it's too late.
Jimmy actually gave me a hug before I was able to pull myself away and go to my next class But I tried to wish him well, and kinda mentioned the he should be careful and maybe slow down a little bit. But...the sparkle in his eyes practically deflected the comment before it even left my mouth. So that was energy wasted. I wonder....if maybe I just talk to AJ...and maybe ask him to take it easy with Jimmy's feelings...maybe he'll be a decent human being about it all. I mean, he can't be THAT heartless, right? If Jimmy won't listen to me, maybe he will. I'll think it about it some more. There's got to be a way to do this and not break poor Jimmy's heart.
Anyway, I'm gonna finish my homework for tomorrow. Sam called me three or four times tonight, but I didn't pick up the phone. Usually, he would just hop on his bike and come over when he knew I was avoiding him...but he didn't this time. I guess he's leaving it alone this time. At least for now. I hope he understands that this isn't something I really want to talk to him about. Or anybody. It wouldn't help. Brandon doesn't love me any more, and now somebody else has his heart. And, I don't know...maybe I just lost out. Maybe you only get one chance at these things, and when they're gone, they're gone forever.
But it doesn't mean I don't want him back. Or that I'll ever stop being in love with him. Or that I'll ever stop hurting over it.
So...there it is. What else can I say?
I just hope better days are coming. And someday, I'll be able to smile again and have it be 100% real.