Tuesday - I honestly wondered if I should even write anything down in my journal today. Nothing changed. Nothing that matters, anyway.
So much of my life feels so 'numb' right now that it's hard to even pick out any daily details worth writing about. But, as I was just sitting here at my desk with nothing better to do than squirm and ache over losing the most important thing in my whole fucking life...I guess I'll give it a shot.
I wish I could say that the pain wasn't getting worse and worse the longer I go without talking to him. I wish that I could just put faith in the idea that my little 14 year old puppy love heartbreak would someday just be a funny memory in the back of my mind. I wish...I wish I could say that I wasn't to blame for everything that went wrong, and didn't want to take it back. But none of that would be true. None of it.
I'm sure most people would make me out to be some heartless monster who doesn't deserve and ounce or mercy or sympathy...and who knows? Maybe I am. After all, it was my fault. But nobody knows how it really was. Nobody else was there. My whole world revolves around sex and schoolwork. Every minute of every single day of my LIFE! Sex and schoolwork, sex and schoolwork, sex and schoolwork! There's NOTHING else! Occasionally there's some parental interference, based mostly on the fact that my family is falling apart...but other than that? Sex and schoolwork.
Hormones and television are pretty much all I have to guide what I think, how I walk, what I dream about, what I talk about, how I dress, how I relate to people...I'm FOURTEEN! Outside of sex and schoolwork, what else do I really have? I can't work, I can't drive, I have about as much 'worldly influence' as a dead squirrel outside of City Hall...what ELSE do I do with my life? I go from being gay and scared all the time to actually having boys that I only DREAMED about falling all over themselves to spend time with me...and I....I fucked it up. I got greedy and I fucked it up. Hooray for me. You guys can start STABBING me with pitchforks now! All I know is that I wish I could just get Brandon to talk to me so I could explain to him what happened. That's all. I don't even know if I want him to forgive me just yet, or EVER for that matter. I just...I want to let him know that I loved him best of all. And I was trying to fix it. I was trying sooooo hard to put things right again. I felt BAD! I felt GUILTY! And I WANTED it to stop!!! I learned my lessons long before I lost him. It's not just that I'm upset that I got 'caught'...I really wanted to better myself and be the boyfriend that Brandon deserved.
And now...I guess I'll never get the chance to tell him that.
Um....wait a minute I need to come back to this a bit later.... :(
Ok. Sorry. It just...it hurts.
Ummm...so I talked to Simon today. He really had an awesome time at the party. In fact, he actually WAS making out with some girl on my couch! Hehehe, honestly, that was one of the ONLY things that I experienced today that made me smile. Especially when I saw the big stupid grin on Simon's face when he told me. He was like, "Billy...I never kissed a girl in my LIFE! And all of the sudden, she was, like, all over me! And she was touching my leg and my shoulders, and then she just leaned in and kissed me, and it was like....WAAAHHHHHH!!!" That was the actual sound that he made, and I think he was really happy about it. So he's like, "Dude, she gave me her number, but I'm too scared to call her! I'm scared that she'll remember who I am and not wanna have anything to do with me any more, you know? Omigod, it's confusing...but I think I LIKE it! Hehehe!"
Simon was really...'happy', you know? I wish I could have been in a better mood so that I could enjoy it with him. Basically, I just told him to make sure he calls before Wednesday. Even if he's trying to play it cool, making a girl wait too long for a phone call is instant death in a relationship. If I learned anything from my time with Joanna...it's that girls NEED attention...and often...if you want things to work out in the long run.
Speaking of Joanna, I saw her and Sam today at lunch. They pretty much FORCED me to sit down and eat with them this time, as they knew something was wrong. Especially Sam. I never couldhide my true emotions from him. Not ever. He could tell that something was severely wrong, and he made me sit down as he attempted to make it better. The thing is...while Sam instantly reverted to our old routine of games and giggles, trying to use things that he KNEW would always get me to smile from experience...Joanna was doing something very different. Something...'scary'.
It's like...she was asking these questions about what was on my mind. About what was bothering me. About what went wrong since the party. And...it kinda scared me a little bit.
See...a GUYS' relationship is maintained on the surface, for the most part. We talk about 'guy stuff' and as long as we're grinning and having a good time, then we know that everything is alright. But GIRLS??? Girls...they want to get 'deeper'. They want to know about 'feelings' and 'meanings' and 'purpose' and 'motivations'. It's like talking to a freaking COP about a bank robbery. You have to kinda be on guard about that kinda shit. Because once they're in your head, they can pretty much figure out your whole life in a matter of seconds! I've seen my mom do it before, and it's just downright CREEPY! I wish they'd STOP doing that! It's just....invasive and wrong. Why can't we just talk about surface stuff? Stay out of my emotions! They're confusing enough as it is.
The thing that worries me most is the moment when she asked me, "Billy...are you missing somebody?" Which sounds like a fucking magic trick question to me!
Naturally, I said, "NO! Why would you ask me that?" I didn't mean for it to sound so insulting, but that's just how it came out. And she gave me that....'look' again. That...that...LOOK! Like she knew that something was definitely 'up', you know? Like there was something deeper that I wasn't telling her. And Sam hadn't really caught on to it, but she did...and after that look she gave me when I invited Jamie Cross to my party...I didn't know if I could trust myself to not give anything away while talking to her. It made me instantly back away from her. In fact, after she shrugged her shoulders in answer to my question, I did all I could to avoid her line of questioning altogether.
And still...even while Sam and I found a way to talk to each other on a much more comfortable level during lunch, she just kept...like...watching me! Why the fuck is she WATCHING me??? Huh? What's going through her head? What is she thinking about me? If Sam wasn't right there holding her hand, I would have come right out and confronted her about it. But...the truth is..I didn't want her to say it. At least not in front of Sam. So I bottled it up and just tried to keep the pain far enough away from my heart to keep me from crying in front of them.
Did I see Brandon today? No. I think he must have rerouted his entire hallway strategy to avoid crossing paths with me in the hallway. Even the library was empty when I went to look for him.
Did I see Bobby today? No. I think he was too scared to even meet eyes with me, no matter where he was or what he was doing...he knew better than to talk to me Or even be in my presence after what he did. So he ditched gym again.
The thing is...with half of my friends dodging ME...and me dodging the other half of my friends...that place got to be really lonely, really quick. Even Jimmy LaPlane acted like he didn't have time to talk to me today. He was running off to class, telling me he'd call me later But here I am, sitting at home, and no cal from Jimmy. I guess he's moved on, huh? Him and his new friends.
Guess what ELSE happened tonight?
I came home from school, my mom came home from work...and right before dinner, she sat me down to talk to me. You know what she said to me? She's like..."You know...yesterday was 'trash day', so I went to take out the bag to put it in the cans in the alley for the trash man to pick up." She told me. "And you want to know what I found?"
I'm like, "What?"
She said, "The garbage can was already full. BOTH of them actually." Then added, "With bags filled to the top with beer bottles and cans." She gave me a harsh look, and I was so instantly rattled that I didn't even have an answer to give her. No 'back-up' lie to tell her if such a fucked up situation were to come up! I never even THOUGHT of the concept of her checking to see what was in the trash out behind our house after my party this past weekend! I had absolutely NOTHING to say in my defense! Instead, I lowered my head, and remained silent. As though THAT was going to save me! My mom waited for a lie to come out of my mouth, but to be honest, I didn't eve have one to give her. Not at that particular moment, anyway. I didn't even want to look up to see if she was angry at me or not.
All I could really say was..."I'm sorry." I didn't want to say anything more, because I was afraid that it would actually 'incriminate' me further. When it comes to parents, it's better to just go with whatever punishment they give you than to admit to things that they didn't even know about.
She squinted her eyes a bit, and gave me a harsh look. But after a few seconds, it softened a bit, and with a stern voice she told me, "Look...I'm only going to give you this talk ONE time. So pay attention. You understand me?" I nodded. "The house is clean, you made sure of that. There wasn't anything broken, stolen, or ruined. And you somehow managed to get Trey across the street to lie to me and tell me that nothing happened in this house while I was out of town. You covered your bases pretty well, without any major incidents. So, as far as there being an actual problembetween us....you covered your tracks like a pro." But then her face got more serious, and she said, "But I want to make ONE thing crystal clear between you and me. The next time I leave you alone in this house, and you decide to have a 'party'...to celebrate...you and me are going to have BIG problems! Do you hear me?" I probably should have denied it, but with the look on her face, I would have only angered her even more by lying to her. So I nodded sadly, and kept my eyes down. She said, "I MEAN it, Billy! I' very disappointed in you right now. Your father....sighhh...your father's not around any more, and I need to know that I can trust you. Otherwise, we're not going to get through this, you and me. Alright? I can't do this on my own. And I'm not gonna make it with you running wild on me behind my back." It almost hurt to hear it. It wasn't so much that I had gotten caught. It was the idea that she said that my 'father's not around any more'. That alone was a sobering moment for me, and it made my already depressing mood sink even lower than where it was before. "Do you understand me?" She asked, and I nodded silently again. "Billy...if I can't trust you, the I've got nothing to work with. You HAVE to be better than this. I'm not always going to be around to tell you right from wrong...and this? This is unacceptable." Shortly after that, she sent me to bed, and told me that we'd discuss a 'punishment' suitable for having a 'party' while she was out of town later. I have to admit, I fucked up the major part of my 'secret'...and I'll have to do MUCH better if I ever do it again. But I'm thankful that she didn't find out just how BIG that party was, and just how many people were here for it. Otherwise, I'm sure that she'd be MUCH more pissed off than she already is.
So...I'm in trouble, but I don't know how MUCH trouble just yet. I guess that will wait for another day.
But...it would have all be worth it if it was just me and Brandon, spending the weekend in each other's arms. It would have been better if it was just me appreciating the silence of having the house all to myself. But now...I had to go all out. I had to have that STUPID party! And now...my life is slowing peeling itself apart, ripping my skin off one layer at a time. And nothing has ever hurt this much. Nothing...
Shit...I need to stop before I start sniffling and crying again. Like..now.
I'll see you later. Bye....