Monday - Ok...wait! I'm TOTALLY fucking lost on something here!
Tell me if I've got this wrong, but aren't Sam and Joanna a done deal at this point? Do I have that wrong? Am I fucking going CRAZY here??? They're broken up! They're supposed to STAY broken up! This is high school! There are no long term romances here! Well....I mean except for me and Brandon. But that's TOTALLY different! What the hell is going on here???
When I got to school today, I see Kevin in the hallway, and he's, like, high fiving me for some weird reason that I can understand. And you know what he says to me? He's like, "Hey, congratulate your boy, Sam, for me when you see him! I'm glad things worked out for him and Joanna." That's what he fucking SAID to me in the hallway. I sorta pulled my high five back, and I was totally confused.
I asked him, "What do you mean?"
And Kevin is like, "Didn't he tell you? Him and Joanna are geting back together. It's awesome. They make a good couple, you know?"
What??? NO! No...I DON'T know! What the hell is he talking about? Sam and Joanna can't just break up and then suddenly want to be with each other again. Not without telling me first! How the hell can he DO this to me? I wanted it to just be a rumor. Some stupid lost puzzle piece on the gossip trail that didn't have any truth to it whatsoever! But when I really thought about it...I remembered what he said to me not long ago. He was like, 'we're not REALLY broken up, were just not speaking'. Or whatever. So....I don't know if it was true or not, but I felt this sick feeling in my stomach that alerted me to the fact that I did NOT want this to be a part of the master plan here!
What happens if Sam and Joanna are really gonna be a 'couple' again? She hates me! I hate HER! We hate EACH OTHER! And if either one of them thinks that I'm just gonna 'forget' the fact that they were totally stabbing me in the back by seeing each other in secret while Joanna was my girlfriend...they're WRONG! I haven't! And NONE of this is fair! They were OVER! Me and Sam were gonna try to work on being best buds again! How can he just 'go back to her' again and not consult me first? How can he suddenly throw my friendship back in my face for the second time...just for a GIRL? What the hell???
I waited for him at lunch time. I wanted to know if it was true. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I was ready to give him the third degree the second I saw him if I had to! But you know what? He never showed up. He was totally 'absent' from the cafeteria today. I wonder if he was somewhere private, frolicking around with that bitch that he seems to love so damn much! Why is he even INTERESTED in her, anyway! I'm twice as nice and affectionate as SHE is when it comes to Sam. You don't see him slobbering all over ME, do ya? She's JUST a girl for crying out loud! Why can't he just forget about her? I did.
Anyway, sorry to rant and rave so much. For all I know, it could all just be some kinda weird rumor or something. But I wish I didn't even have to think about it anymore, you know?
Anyway, I was late meeting Brandon for lunch while I was waiting for Sam to show up. But seeing him did wonders to calm me down. Not that I was really all THAT riled up about it, I just....arrrgh! Joanna is gonna make things difficult again, I just know it.
Sorry...ok...I was talking about Brandon...
So we made our escape plans for lunch tomorrow! We're gonna meet out by the back gate at twelve thirty, like we're just going out to eat lunch on the lawn like always. Then we'll catch the first bus to his house right afterwards. His mom won't come home until about five, and most of the time she comes home even later than that. Brandon's dad never comes home until well after six, as he works downtown and takes the 5:30 Metra train back to the neighborhood. No matter what, we'll have about four hours of sexual bliss to love and enjoy. I've gotta admit, I spent the entire lunch hour hard just thinking about it. Brandon giggles in the sweetest way when he's doing something devilish, you know? It's amazing to watch. Plus, I am totally in love with his lips. I pay special attention to their movement when he talks to me, and I wonder what it would be like to kiss him in the middle of the sentence. Just...catch him totally by surprise and press my lips against his while they were still in motion. Gawd, that would be so hot. Hehehe, especially since I know it would make him blush like crazy. I don't know what sex with him is gonna be like...but I imagin that it's gonna be sweet, and slow, and gentle...he's gonna be the best lover I ever had. He's gonna be...incredible.
Sighhhh....there goes that feeling again. I swear, if I loved him any more than I do right now, I might 'hurt' myself.
Oh yeah, and swimming class is over in gym, thank goodness. Bobby wasn't in class today for some reason, but I know he was in school because I caught a glimpse of him going to his Spanish class earlier in the day. He left a note in my school locker telling me to call him tonight. I guess he just wanted to talk to me. He said it had been, like, two weeks since we had any real contact, and he was worried that he did something wrong. Which means that the whole idea of him just sorta 'fading away' and forgetting about our....um....fun, just wasn't gonna happen. That means that I'm gonna have to talk to him and tell him that things between us are....over. I TOTALLY should have fucked him in that tight round ass of his before going to get myself a boyfriend.
(Omigod! I can't believe I just wrote that down! That's a pretty fucked up thing to say, isn't it? Ok, well...scratch that last comment from the record.)
Why does he have to like me? I don't wanna hurt Bobby Jinette. I don't wanna hurt ANYBODY. I'll find a way to work this out gently. It's not like he's in 'love' with me. He just...likes sex and thinks I'm cute. Trust me, I've been there and done that. It doesn't really lead to much more than a dead end and a broken heart that really isn't as 'broken' as you think.
Oh shit...do you know what happened after school today??? I can't believe I didn't write this first in my entry! I was doing my 'forced' study with that fucking rat Simon today in the student center, and as soon as I showed up, he gave me this really strange look. Honestly, it was like this squinty eyed look that was like...trying to read my mind or something. I'm like, "What's with you?"
And he's all, "Nothing. Just thinking." And we're working on the tutoring and workbook extra credit pages, right? But he keeps kinda looking up at me and pushing his glasses up so he could see better. I thought that maybe I was getting a zit or something, because he just kept staring at me. Sometimes, while I was figuring out a problem, he'd tap his pencil on the desk, and watch me like I was about to sprout a tail. It was weird.
Finally, I got sick of it, and I'm like, "WHAT??? What the hell are you looking at?"
He seemed almost hurt that I would be frustrated about having him gawk at me like some radioactive lab rat. But then he tapped his pencil for a moment, and with a nervous shift in his seat, he lowered his voice, and he said, "Billy...can I ask you something? No bullshit?"
I'm like, "What?"
And he says, "Don't get pissed, ok?"
And I tell him, "I'm not gonna get pissed. What is it?"
He waits a second, then taps his pencil a few more times, then he says, "Dude...are you gay?"
WHAT THE HELL??? I had to look around the room to make sure nobody fucking heard him say that! What the hell was he trying to DO to me? "Am I...wait...I'm not...WHAT???" I said.
He said, "I was thinking about things after Friday. And what you said, and what happened the last time I was over at your house. I just wondered, that's all."
How could he just be so calm about something like this. "Wh-wh-why would you think I was GAY?" I whispered.
And you know what he said? He said, "It would make sense." What about me being gay 'makes sense', huh? I felt like my lungs had suddenly shrunk down to the size of a walnut. It made me shake to think that he could just 'figure' me out like that. I mean, I didn't do anything to make him think I was gay, did I? Well, I tried to have sex with him once, but it's not like we really DID anything. When I asked him how anything about me 'made sense', he just asked me, "Was Sam your boyfriend? You two stopped hanging out when he started going with Joanna. I thought about it, and it had to either be Sam, or maybe Jimmy. But you and Jimmy don't hang out as much anymore, so that couldn't be it. I started thinking, maybe it was someone else."
Was he, like, analyzing me or something? How long has he been working out this profile of me in his head? I said, "I don't know what you're even talking about, Simon. That's just crazy."
And he asked me, "Is it Brandon? I'll bet it's Brandon. You guys kinda seem like a couple to me. Either him or Bobby. Are you and Bobby going together?" And that was TOO much for me!
"No we're NOT! What are you....why are you even...just forget it! Geez, just....let's finish this so I can go home already." I stumbled.
He's like, "If you're not gay, just say you're not gay. I just thought..."
But I interrupted him in mid sentence, "I'm NOT gay! Jesus!" I was so embarrassed, and I looked all arond us, praying to God that nobody was paying attention to us in the corner.
He tapped his pencil some more, and then he just shrugged his shoulders and said, "You know, it would be fine if you were. I wasn't trying to insult you or anything. I just thought you might wanna talk about it or something. In case it was bothering you."
I think the idea of him knowing really bothered me, and I stayed pretty snippy with him for the rest of our session. I couldn't WAIT to get out of there when I finished the lesson for the afternoon. How did he get so damn smart anyway? And why does he care? The little fucker has been watching my every move so he can just....'invade' my privacy. It's not cool. Not at all.
But...now that some time has passed, I wondered if me just outright denying it had done any good? What if he still thinks I'm gay? I mean...knows that I'm gay. What if he's sitting in his room right now, connecting the dots and putting the last missing pieces of the puzzle together? What if he tells somebody? What if he tells EVERYBODY, and gets back at me for being mean to him? I wonder if I should talk to him. And if I do, I wonder if I should come clean and admit it, but tell him to keep it a secret. Or maybe I should keep up with my denial and dare him to prove it. It's his word against mine, right? RIGHT??? Shit...something else to worry about. As if I needed that right now.
Simon's no dumbass. He's smarter than most of the kids in our school. He's not going to really take much longer to work out the facts and realize that my behavior around him, around girls, around guys, in general isn't exactly 'normal'. I wanna think about this some more before I make any hasty decisions. I hope I don't have to like, beat him up or anything. That would suck.
Anyway, I've gotta go. I don't think I'm gonna call Bobby tonight. It's just not the right time to talk to him. Since I'm not gonna be around after lunch tomorrow, I'll tell him on Wednesday that we need to talk. Just not tonight. Besides, I'm gonna go look for some porn so that I can find some sexy things to do for Brandon tomorrow! We have a big ol SEX date happenin'! Hehehe! I've gotta run! I'll write more later! And in DETAIL!!!! Woo hoo!!! Later!
-Billy (Soon to be a MAN....again!)