I don't know how they do it.
In fact, I can't even figure out WHY.
But for some reason...I feel SO left out of the 'games' that they play. And as much as those games don't really appeal to me...I feel like less of a person for not being a part of the fraternity. You know?
At only 17 years old, I was extremely happy to find, not ONE, but TWO gay friends in my high school that I could talk to about my feelings. Thank goodness for the gay/straight alliance. Otherwise, I might have gone through the rest of my high school career thinking that I was the only gay boy in town. Which can be...you know....'difficult'.
Both Kyle and Jason were like lightning bolts from heaven to me when I was 14. Kyle was my age, and....sighhh...God bless him, he's like Mr. Perfect. To the point where it's hard to not be jealous of him when we hang out together. I mean, I truly cherish our friendship, and he's a cool person...but he's just got this big mapped out existence that is laid out for him, where everything is exactly as it should be. He has money, and intelligence, and good looks, and caring and understanding parents about his sexuality...he's one of those guys who will go off to college and get a degree and work in an office cubicle somewhere and make tons of money that will last him the rest of his happy life...and never feel like he's missing something. You know? There's nothing to THINK about, even though he's gay. He'll get everything he wants with ease...and life will be all sunshine and candy until the day he's laid to rest. There's nothing WRONG with that...it's just....it's SO not my path in life. And I just wish I could be as comfortable in my own skin. Something about his confident smile just makes me feel like less of a person. Like I should be 'him' instead of being myself. Since I seem to have everything in my vision of life all 'wrong'.
Then there's Jason, who is two years younger than me and Kyle at fifteen. His sense of style falls delicately between hardcore skater boy, and soft core emo boy. Like...perfectly. And he, like, Idolizes Kyle with a passion. Nothing bothers Jason, and he imitates Kyle to the point where I think he actually wants to BE him at some point. And, truth be told...he probably will be someday. He seems to have all the moves down, although he's much more mellow about it all I have to be honest and say that there's a part of me that wishes Jason could look at me with the same level of 'worship'. But the chances on that are slim. They're both super cute and looking to get laid by other boys as often as possible. And somehow...they manage to actually DO it. While I sit here and wait for some kind of romantic 'miracle' to happen. Where some cute boy comes along and sweeps me off my feet and we just.....sighhhh....
Sounds silly to you too, doesn't it?
Anyway, with Kyle as the skilled teacher, and Jason as the eager student...I feel that I've been pushed out of the entire process of getting boys in bed. And since that's ALL they seem to think about...I don't get along with them as well as I used to. They're just too damn boy crazy for me, I guess. Or maybe it's just their impressive success rate that bothers me so much. Because they can just....go get hot boys to sleep with them, and I can't.
Ugh! And I HATE it!!! Because they don't even CARE half the time! They just see somebody that looks hot, and they 'target' them like a piece of meat, and wanna fuck them before the end of the night. And while I would rather fall in love and find somebody worthwhile...while I might give some of these real cuties the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they'd be smart enough to not fall for their predatory games of 'cat and mouse'....they actually end up getting what they want!!!! Gay boys, bi boys, STRAIGHT boys...Kyle and Jason just have this rehearsed set of hypnotic lines and charming gestures that seem to get them a fresh, hot, body in their beds whenever they want one. And....sighhhh...I don't know...sometimes I wish I was that skilled. Or even that 'lucky'. I'm not though. Instead, I'm reduced to a pathetic bystander, watching them work their magic on boys that probably wouldn't waste the saliva to spit on me if I even TRIED to approach them at a party with conversation that exceeded, 'where's the bathroom'?
It comes so easy to them. I don't understand why I can't do it too. I mean, I'm cute. I KNOW I am. But there's something about my personality that...I don't know...I guess it just doesn't 'attract' people the way theirs does. And it sucks. Because I'd give anything for some hot sex right about now. Just some naked affection. Someone to cuddle up to for a few hours and pretend that I was truly loved by somebody special.
Because I'm beginning to think this whole 'love' concept is gonna end up keeping me alone forever.
"Kevin! Dude, come here! Check out this one!" Kyle called out to me from his desk. He had me and Jason over to hang out today after school, but it was mostly for him and Jason to compare hotties online. See...they've really gotten into the whole online dating thing over the past couple of months. Go to a chat room, find somebody in your area, a little flirting, exchange pictures...maybe a little webcam 'show' while their parents aren't home...and their off to have more really hot sex with another really hot boy that I REALLY wish I had for myself. I mean...yeah, they're being safe about it and stuff. It is the internet after all. But...sighhh...like I said, they're cute, and the boys are cute, and everybody's horny...so sex is pretty much readily available, if not inevitable. I should really just...do the same thing. I'm tired of being jealous all the time. Hell, Jason is two years YOUNGER than me, and he's getting laid way more than I am.
Which wouldn't be hard. Having sex just once would pretty much catapult you into the 'getting laid more than I am' category. But I never bothered to tell them that. It would be humiliating, believe me.
"WHOAH!!! He's a total *NINE*, dude! Easy!" Jason grinned, and they both waved me over to come look at the computer screen. Sighhh...I looked, and the boy was 16 years old, with long dark brown emo hair and light green eyes. Another extremely cute 'target' for them to drool over. "Vincent, huh? Mmmmm! Yummy! Which chat room did you find HIM in???"
Kyle smiled wide. "I'm not telling you! Get your own 'Vince'! This one's mine, hehehe! I'm gonna talk to him again tomorrow. I bet you I get a phone number before Friday! He saw my picture, and he already sounds like he's hot for a little 'get together'." The two of them high fived, with Jason getting all glassy eyed in admiration for the 'master'. Then Kyle turned to face me in his swivel chair, and I had my eyes focused so hard on my shoe that I almost missed the opportunity for a 'fake high five' of my own. I returned the gesture, but he knew something was up. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing." I told him. "Really. He's cute. Like Jason said...he's a 'nine' at least."
"I'll bet his a TEN when he's naked!" Jason giggled. But Kyle gave me a concerned look.
"Dude, you should try this. Seriously. Here, you want me to connect you to a chat room or something? There's tons of hotties running around here. Most of them are less than a half hour away." He turned back around to connect to one of them, and I stopped him.
"No, it's cool. Really."
"Sighhh, c'mon, Kevin.We're talking HOT BOYS here! They're like...EVERYWHERE! We can totally get you laid! I bet you they'll go crazy for you. A lot of them love that 'romantic' shit. You can play that card and bag some of the hottest boys on here. I know you can."
"Yeah....yeah, I know." I lied. "But I just...you know."
Jason and Kyle looked at each other, almost snickering at my hesitation. Great now they're laughing at me. That's just what I needed, thanks. Kyle told me, "You know what? I can totally set you up with somebody if you want me too."
"What? No. I'm not...I don't need that."
"Why not? I PROMISE you, they'll be super fuckable. I would never set my bud up with a busted up guy."
Jason jumped in, "Ooh, what about that 'Robin' guy? The one that you met...ummm...I think it was like a couple of months ago?"
"Hey, that wouldn't be bad." Kyle said. "He LOVES boys like you that are kinda...you know...soft." I tilted my head and gave Kyle a look that made him giggle. "You know what I mean! Like...'boy next door' types. Real sweethearts." He turned back to his keyboard, and cycled through his rather 'impressive' gallery of conquests. A lot of them 17 and 18 years old, but some were 19 or 20 Risky. But Kyle thought they were hot enough to go for it, and they evidently felt the same way. Then there were some as young as 14, but Kyle kept his age range pretty close to ours. The exceptions were...'VERY worthy' of breaking the rules for. The faces on his monitor got prettier and prettier as he went along, often stopping at a few to wink at Jason, who was practically bouncing on his heels at the sight of some of them. Blonds, brunettes, redheads, dye black, dyed purple, surfer boys, skateboarders, indie rock boys, hip hop boys, artsy boys...sighhh. Looking at them, I imagined what it must have been like, being able to tangle up with them naked and have them kiss my lips. Being able to slide into their open mouths...or have them slide into mine. To have them tremble and shiver in my arms, whimpering my name in the explosive moment of a shared orgasm. Leaving us time to cuddle and tongue kiss over and over again until we were ready to go at it again. All of those beautiful boys, and Kyle didn't hold on to a single one of them. I guess he didn't need to. There was always more.
Finally, he got to Robin's picture, and yes....he was GORGEOUS! My eyes bugged out a bit, and Kyle looked back and laughed at my reaction. I think I was getting hard just looking at him! "Hehehe, you LIKE him, right???" Kyle smirked.
Jason bounced around on the balls of his feet, an immature squeal of excitement bursting out of him. "Oh my GAWD, he's so HOT!!! I would totally bang that until he BEGGED me to stop!!! UGH!!!"
"You want him?" Kyle asked.
"You can set me up with him?" I said.
"Yeah! I mean, he's kinda wishy washy sometimes, so he'll wanna talk and get to know you a bit first. You know, blah blah blah...but after that, you send him a cute pic of yourself, and I just knowhe's gonna go nuts over you. He went nuts over ME, and I'm not even his 'type', really."
My excitement dimmed a little bit. "He...wait, he what?"
"I said he went crazy for ME, and I'm not even his type. But trust me, you're just what he's looking for. And you'll have fun too. He is a REALLY hot fuck! He moans...and it's like freakin' ANGELSsinging, man!" My excitement died down even more. Draining out of me like water in a leaky wicker basket. "He likes to kiss a lot too, which is so hot. I love kissing boys this pretty. He was one of the best times I ever had. Seriously."
"Oh...." I mumbled. Jason still seemed anxious and all, but all the 'beauty' that I saw on that screen seemed to vanish right before my very eyes when I heard Kyle say that. I don't know why, I just...I didn't want a set up with one of his leftovers, I guess. Or maybe...maybe it was something more. Something deeper. The idea of this 'Robin' boy, naked and kissing and getting pounded by Kyle...while a really HOT image, believe me...just turned me off of the whole thing. And maybe that's why the whole 'sex for the sake of sex' thing has never been something I was good at. Because I just...I wasn't into it. I WISH I was, because this boy was...omiGOD...he was sexy! Yeah...sexy, and hot, and scrumptious, and 'fuckable' beyond compare. But all the 'Beauty' was missing. Where was that....that 'glow', you know? Where was that feeling that I was supposed to get ABOVE the belt. Defeated, I just said, "You know what...nevermind. That's alright."
They were both surprised. "What? Kevin, are you SERIOUS? LOOK at him! He's a perfect 'ten'! This is from my 'A' list, dude!"
"I said no, ok? I just...I want something different, alright?"
Kyle sighed, and spun around again to look me in the eye. "Dude...ok, I've gotta tell you something. And it's gonna SOUND harsh, but it really isn't. You've GOT to get laid. Seriously. I'm saying this as your friend. There are soooo many hot boys out there, and you're like...sitting at home and not going for ANY of them. You're like...just sitting there waiting. What are you waiting for?"
I don't know why, but I was almost offended. Not only by his condescending tone of voice, but by the very attitude with which he delivered the words coming out of his mouth. As though they were being spoken with some level of divine wisdom...and I was just too stupid to understand.
I'm NOT an idiot! I KNOW about getting laid and having fun and dating and ALL of that garbage. But I don't WANT what Kyle and Jason want! I wish to God I did, because I'm sure I'd be having a lot more 'fun'...but I just...DON'T. If I don't 'feel' anything inside other than 'omigod he's so fucking hot'...then why even bother pursuing them? Why waste my sexual experiences on a bunch of pretty faced nobody's that I'm gonna fuck and forget about two weeks later?
I'm not looking to fill up a 'scorecard' here. I just want something sweet and gentle and fulfilling. Is that too much to ask for? I WANT a lotta sex, of course I do. I just...I need it to mean something. To BOTH of us. And it's gotta be right.
It's gotta be more than some random internet hook up with some cute boy that my friend thinks is a 'hot fuck'.
"You know what?" I said, "Maybe I'm just not into this like you guys are. Did you ever stop and think about that?"
"Not into it? What are you talking about? Just a couple seconds ago, you were ready to lick my computer screen! Now you're acting like I tried to pimp him out on a street corner somewhere."
Kyle shook his head. "Hey...if you don't want him, fine. It's not like I'm gonna force you. I just thought you'd might like to screw something other than your right hand for a change. Excuse the hell out of me." Jason laughed out loud, making 'jack off' gestures with his hand, and I gritted my teeth as I tried to keep my cool.
Then Jason said, "Screw that! Can I have him? He's 16 right?"
"Heh...sorry, Jason. Robin doesn't do 'emo'." Kyle said, receiving a push from Jason.
"I'm NOT emo!"
"What? Sorry...but, you know...you look kinda emo. He's not gonna go for it. It's not his thing. He told me."
"But I'm NOT though! Can you at least let me TALK to him?" Jason whined.
"Are you gonna cut your hair?"
"Hell no! I'm not cutting my hair for a piece of ass!"
"Hehehe, suit yourself. But you're gonna get 'rejected'. I'm telling you in advance." Kyle said, sending his email and pic to Jason's computer at home.
"Shut up, just send it." He said. "Is he really gonna want me to cut my hair?"
Kyle shrugged with a grin. "But he's worth it. The sex is like...wow! It's mind-blowing! It'll be like living a wet dream fantasy. I might wanna go back for some more myself."
"Well DON'T until I see if he'll go out with me first! K? I wanna see if I can hit that without cutting my hair."
Something about the whole conversation just frustrated me, and I got up to leave. Sex this, sex that...whatever. I love my friends, but ever since they started getting laid, I can't help but think that they're just plain gross when it comes to this kinda thing. "I'm outta here." I said.
"You're leaving?" Kyle asked. And Jason grinned again.
"He's going home to 'grease the pig', I'll betchya! Hehehe! Oink oink oink oink SPLASH!!!" He laughed. I wish I was still 15. I'm sure that would have been hilarious to me. Two years makes a difference, I guess.
"Right, whatever." I said, and got my backpack to leave. "See you guys later."
"Hey...no hard feelings, right?" Kyle called out to me. "I mean, we just wanna get you some ass. I know you're on some lovey dovey shit, and that's cool. But you just gotta get out there and take advantage while you can, you know? That's all I'm saying."
"Yeah, I know." I said, avoiding his eyes. A dead giveaway that I was lying about not feeling left out.
"I mean it, k?" He held out his fist to touch with mine, and Jason, ever the loyal follower, did the same. "Buds?"
"Sighhh...buds." I said, and it felt a bit better to have all three of us touch fists in the center. It was a friendly bit of affection that I needed at that particular moment, I guess. But it didn't solve the problem. Those really special boys are out there somewhere...and until I find one...I'm going to be the loneliest high school junior in existence. And that emptiness can be oh so painful. Especially when you're around people who don't seem to have to deal with it.
I'd like to say that things changed over the next two weeks. But they really didn't. Kyle made his bet, and got that 'Vince' guy to write him back by the first weekend after exchanging pictures online. What can I say? Kyle is cute. So is Jason. Once it gets to the 'show me' stage...they're pretty much a shoe in for a sexual interlude. And...as to be expected, Kyle and Vince got together, had lunch, and an hour later they were somewhere private exchanging fluids as many times as possible before his parents got home from work. Not only that, but despite the supposed 'emo' thing, Jason started talking to this 'Robin' guy, and in a week...he was bragging about how amazing it was to sleep with him. I swear...some days, it seems like the whole WORLD is having hot naked sex except for me. How sad is that?
I was playing Kyle in Madden 2010 while Jason was on the computer, and that's when he called out to Kyle from the desk. "He, you got an email from that 'Rory' guy you were talking to."
Kyle paused the game. "Really? Sweet! He was supposed to send me a pic today! He sounds like he would be so cool, you know? Open it up, what's he look like?"
I sighed hard enough to blow some of my hair up, just wishing they would tire of this garbage already. Jason opened the email, and said, "WOW!!! Dude check it out! GOLD, baby!!!"
Kyle got up off of the bed to go see, and Jason started giggling as he focused on the screen. I guess he didn't see what he was 'expecting' to see. He slugged Jason in the arm and they started laughing. "Asshole!"
Jason only laughed harder. "Sorry man. He's not BAD, though! I mean...he's a solid...I don't know...'six' maybe! Still do-able."
Kyle looked closer and said, "Yeah. He's ALMOST a 'seven' though. I like his lips. I don't know, he's kinda cute."
"Oh dude, he is SO not a 'seven'. I was being generous when I said a 'six'. Take it or leave it." Jason grinned, and Kyle grabbed one of his nipples and pinched it hard as his screamed loud enough to make his teen voice crack.
I looked at the screen, and while I've never reduced myself to rating boys like a raw cut of beef sirloin, he seemed cute enough to me. He was about 15 or 16 years old, with buzz cut dark blond hair and dark brown eyes. He was a bit chubby, but it wasn't much more than baby fat. And even though Kyle and Jason's standards had grown to only accept boys who were supermodel gorgeous...I thought he was kinda cute. A really 'genuine' person, you know?
"Honestly, though..." Kyle said, "..Rory was really fun to talk to. I don't know, I might do it. He just seems sweet." Jason snickered some more, and Kyle raised his fist to make the younger boy flinch. "What do you think, Kevin?"
I gritted my teeth for a moment, but just tried to ignore the situation altogether. "Does it even matter?" I said. "You're just gonna end up sucking his dick anyway, so just write him back and tell him what address he should go to so he can drop his pants and get it over with." Geez, I didn't mean for it to sound that bitter. But I couldn't help it at that point. I was sick of the whole damn 'game'. I'm gonna stop hanging out over here so much.
"Yeah, you're probably right." Kyle said, not even catching a hint of the verbal arsenic lacing my voice when I said it. "I'll write him back. I mean, who knows? He might be a good 'one-timer', you know? I can't have a PERFECT record, now can I? I'm starting to make Jason here look bad! Hehehe!" A response that made Jason kick out at his leg to attack his idol. They played around for a minute or two and struggled until I figured that this wasn't worth me staying here to finish a video football game that Kyle was no longer interested in. So I got up. Kyle saw me getting ready to go. "Hey...where are you going?"
"Home. I just wanna finish up my homework so I don't have to worry about it later. That's all." I told them.
"Well hey, listen...this 'Rory' guy, I mean, he's kinda cool. You want him?"
"No!" I said with a frowned face.
"What? He's not THAT bad! Besides, I talked to him, he's cool." I gave him a disgusted look, and he said, "I NEVER met him, ok? So you don't have to worry about him being somebody I slept with, if that's what's freaking you out."
"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm no into random meaningless sex..."
"Whoah whoah whoah..." He said. "Who said anything about sex? Just TALK to him! I'm gonna go get some more ass from Vince this weekend anyway. Plus there's this guy 'Christian' that I met in the chat room yesterday that might wanna meet up soon too. So my hands are full."
I shook my head in disbelief. "Your hands are full? And this is supposed to make this 'Rory' guy appealing to me? Because he's somebody that you haven't fucked yet?"
Jason took an opportunity and pushed Kyle again, the two of them getting into another minor struggle as Jason tried to defend himself from the swivel chair. Finally, Kyle just sat on him as Jason squirmed and struggled to get up. "UGH!!! Hehehe! GET OFF ME, BITCH!!! Hehehe!"
Kyle smiled at me, and said, "Listen, I've been talking to him for, like, two and half weeks now. He's already all buttered up for you. You don't have to do ANYTHING other than talk to him and keep him occupied while I deal with Vince and Christian. That's it. I mean, I dunno, I think he's kinda cute. He's no 'ten', but I'd do him. Just...I need you to keep him from thinking that I'm not interested, you know? I don't wanna lose him just yet. Just...I don't know...pretend you're ME, or something."
"C'mon, Kevin! It's just text on a screen! He's not gonna know the difference. Just talk to him for about a week or two, and have some FUN! Laugh a little, cry a little, have some hot sweaty cybersex, and then I'll come back and take over when I'm done. Piece of cake. You'll be off the hook in no time."
I was dumbfounded. "So let me get this straight...you want me to PRETEND to be you, talk to some boy across town that I don't even KNOW, and then give him BACK to you...once you're finished chasing after your stupid, shallow, 'ten score' teen hotties? Do I have that right?"
"Hehehe, you say that, like it's a BAD thing!" He giggled, slamming himself down on Jason's lap even harder to stop his struggling. Jason yelped out in pain, and Kyle leaned back to further pin him to the chair. "C'mon, Kev...I'd do it for you. It's JUST for a week or two. Please?" I crossed my arms and didn't say a word. "PLEASE???" He asked again. "Look, if you do this for me, I'll see what I can do about setting you up with someone nice later on. REALLY nice! Not just some hottie that I 'banged' before. I'll personally go online with you and find a nice chat room FULL of gay boys looking to....whatever...walk in the park, pick flowers, share Kool-Aid, and pet puppies. Whatever romantic stuff it is that you're looking for. Ok? I promise!"
I didn't like the idea of this. Not at all. And I let him know it. "This is really heartless, Kyle, you know that. This boy has FEELINGS! Just because he's not some movie star, rail thin, blond surfer type....it doesn't give you the right to treat him like less of a person. 'Average' people have hearts too."
"I KNOW! I know, I know! And that's exactly why I wanna hold ON to this one. I wanna talk to him some more, you know? Figure him out. I might actually end up really liking this boy if it all works out. He doesn't have to be SUPER beautiful. He's...you know...he's cute." He said, practically lying through his teeth. "Please? Kevin....dude...come on."
Arrrgh! I HATED to hear Kyle beg! "You know...if I do this for you, it's ONLY because I don't think this boy deserves to get his freakin' heart broken just because you think he's not sexy enough to meet your top standards of beauty..."
"TOTALLY!!! That's cool! I understand!" He said, taking advantage of my weakness. "I don't want his heartbroken either. I swear. So...are you gonna do it? You'll LIKE him, Kev! He's fun to talk to! Just....I'm already dealing with some major 'crossover' as it is with the two boys that I've got now. But once that's over and done with...I'll totally give this Rory kid a shot. Like I said, he's a solid 'seven'."
"He's a 'SIX'!!!" Jason shouted from his muffled position beneath him. And Kyle slammed down on his lap again. "UGGGHHH!!!"
"So are you gonna do it?" He asked me, and I reluctantly nodded. I don't know WHY I'm doing this. It's so stupid. But I let him talk me into it anyway. "AWESOME!!! Dude, you're a lifesaver! And I'm gonna pay you back! I swear!"
"Whatever." I said. I don't know why, but just agreeing to be a part of this made me feel even lonelier than I was before. And I didn't even think that was possible.
I was hoping to have some 'space' from the whole situation. Enough time to maybe stop myself before it was too late to take it back. I mean, if I said no, what was Kyle gonna do? Hate me forever? He'll have another boy toy hook up by the end of the week. Hell, he's already got TWO. I almost wanted to WARN this kid to tell him to stay away. I mean, nobody deserves to be cheated on. And they certainly don't deserved into being tricked into falling for someone they can't ever hope to keep still. But despite this one annoying flaw in his character...Kyle was my friend Him and Jason both. I just wish this whole 'tag 'em and bag 'em' game had never raised it's ugly had. They're like...consumed by it.
It's just a game that I can't be a part of.
Unfortunately, it was only two days later that Kyle was asking me to talk to him. He gave me his password and sign in name and everything. And before I knew what was going on, I was in a private chat with this 'Rory' kid. Kyle actually patted me on the shoulder before walking out of my room, and said, "Just keep him talking for a little while, and then tell him you have to go see your dad in the hospital. Easy."
"Go see my dad in the HOSPITAL???"
"Oh...yeah. I kinda told him...you know...that my dad was...well nevermind all that. Just be fun and cool and he'll love you. Don't make me sound too dorky with that love and flowers stuff either. It's kinda corny."
"Gee, Kyle, thanks." I said with a roll of my eyes.
"Well, I don't mean CORNY, really...it's just...well, you KNOW!"
"No, I don't know. Enlighten me."
"I'm not looking to spend the next few weeks holding hands and giggling over iced coffee. I'm looking to get some. All that other stuff can grow into something pretty and sweet later." He said with a straight face. He could just look at me and see that I wasn't buying his bullshit, not even at half price.
He sighed with a huff of frustration, "Look, just put a smile on his face, can you do that?"
"Whatever." I told him, feeling like a jerk for doing it.
Suddenly, the name 'Rory' appeared on the screen. "There he is. Have fun! I'm outta here." Kyle told me, and rubbed his hand on my head, messing up my hair a bit. "I owe you BIG time for this one, man!"
"Sighhhh...right." I mumbled to myself.
Rory spoke first. "Hey, Kyle!" He seemed so happy. Ugh, I'm SUCH an asshole.
I was nervous about saying too much, so I just said, "Hey." And then I thought that sounded kinda sad. So I typed in, "Hey, Rory." Is that better? Arrgh, I'm thinking too much. I need to relax before I expose myself.
He said, "How's your dad? Is he feeling better."
Shit. Ummm..."Yeah. Actually he's doing much better. He'll be...coming home soon."
"Really? After open heart surgery??? Shouldn't they keep him a little bit longer?" Arrrrghhhh!!!
What the hell kinda lies has Kyle been telling this boy?
I paused for a second, and said, "Oh...well, by sOON, I mean...'eventually'. It'll SEEM like soon, but probably...would take a while. Soooo...yeahhh.."
It was lame. It was SO lame! But my spirits were lifted when Rory wrote back with a giggle and a smiley face. "Hehehe, you're wacky today!"
It was a huge sigh of relief, and I couldn't help but smile back. Hoping that he never EVER brought that up ever again!
It took a few more moments of 'cautious' chit chat, mostly to find out what the heck Kyle had been talking to him about for the past two and a half weeks...but once the fear of being found out melted away, things got easier. It was really unexpected, but Rory was surprisingly easy to chat with. Cheerful and bubbly, with a wicked sense of humor. It had only been ten minutes, but I think I was actually starting to enjoy myself.
And that's when he got quiet for a second, and he asked, "So...did you get my email?"
Which made me nervous, because that was something Kyle and I hadn't really gone over. I didn't exactly know how to stall on that one. "Um...which one?" I asked, hoping he'd kinda fill me in on his own.
"Hehehe, I only sent you ONE email, Kyle." He replied. Then he added, "The one with my picture?"
"OH! Yes! I got it!" I said, and tried to come up with something Kyle would say. "You're really hot! Total 'ten score', man!" Yeesh! Did that even sound right? Did I even come close?
"Hehehe, you don't have to lie to m, Kyle. Honestly, I just...I thought maybe we could keep in touch. You know?" After ten minutes of Rory being so...incredibly sweet and personable, we were now moving into a whole other territory now. And a sudden sense of shame washed over me as I realized that Kyle was playing games with a really nice guy this time around. "I mean...that's cool, right?" He asked, obviously worried by the pause in my conversation.
I had a choice to make. I could either betray my friend, end this charade now, break Rory's heart, and tear down his hopes for ever finding someone special in his life. Or I could just keep pretending to be Kyle...and keep him smiling for another day.
Sighhh...I'm SO going to Hell for this.
"Sure, Rory. You're a lot of fun to talk to." I said. Basically sinking further down into the muck of deception and setting Kyle to take advantage of yet another cute gay teen that's just....looking for something more than a one-day-stand.
"You are too." He said, his words almost appearing with an invisible, but implied, 'blush' of their own.
It began to get creepy, me doing this...so I decided to make an excuse to leave. "Hey Rory...I've gotta go, k? But yeah...I'll keep in touch."
"Your dad again?" He asked.
"Yeah. That's what it is." I typed back, a feeling of sadness welling up inside of me. "See ya later."
"Okay! Sweet dreams tonight, Kyle." He sent one last smiley face, and signed off. Leaving me feeling almost sick for being such a bastard.
It was kinda hard to sleep that night. I have too much conscience to play these kind of mind games. It's so not worth the bad karma.
The next three day in a row, Kyle had me talk to Rory again. In fact, Kyle said that he was baffled about what I must have said to him to suddenly make him so talkative. But he made sure to tell me to keep it up. So I did. Despite the guilt that followed every conversation between us...the time I actually spent talking to him was a blast. I was surprised to see that we had a lot in common. And the less I pretended to be Kyle, the more my true nature seemed to come right out of my fingertips and into the chatroom. It made me feel good to see him smile. Even better to see him laugh. And once I got to know him personally, I realized that he had one 'gem' of a personality. I appreciated that.
Saturday morning, I asked Kyle to send me Rory's picture. JUST in case he asks about it. Kyle didn't think twice about it. I doubt he ever really planned to go back to Rory anyway. Him and that 'Vince' guy were getting together to trade blowjobs every chance they got. And he was meeting 'Christian' on Sunday to try him out too. Sighhh...does EVERY gay boy in the world have to go through a 'slut' phase, or what?
So I looked at Rory's pic, and I don't care WHAT Kyle and Jason said, I thought he was adorable. I must have stared at that picture for another day and a half straight. I loved his chocolate brown eyes. And he did have cute lips. He wasn't as glamorous as their other 'ten score' boys, but there was something so beautiful about him. Maybe it was all that chatting with him that filled in the picture for me better. I wanted to see him smile. I wanted to see him laugh. Oh, and when I tease him, he always writes 'pouty clown face' in the window, and it makes me laugh every time. Hehehe...yeah...I'd love to see what that looks like too. I was having suh a great time getting to know him that I was happy that Kyle was taking his time to come back and 'take him off my hands'. To be honest, I didn't want to give him back yet. I didn't want to give him back at all.
Then...one night, he asked me, "So...how is your 'dad' doing?" And he sent me a silly smiley face with it's tongue hanging out. It was this sarcastic little wink that I could just 'feel' coming through the screen...and I decided to come clean about it. I just have to remember to tell Kyle that I ruined his little plan.
"Can I be honest about something, Rory?"
"Let me guess, your dad's not in the hospital? Am I close?" He giggled.
"Dude, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you that."
"It's ok." He said. "I knew all along. I'm stupid, but I'm not THAT stupid. Hehehe!" There was a slight pause, where I was happy that there were no hard feelings, but a bit nervous as to what to say next. Then he typed in, "Ok...soooo, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah. I guess." I replied.
There was a silence, and then he said, "You're not Kyle..are you?" I think I actually gasped out loud, and my hands started to tremble. I didn't say a word. It was quite possibly the most humiliating moment of my life...even if it was only online. "Come on, you can tell me." He said.
What do I do??? What do I...what do I even SAY??? My fingers hovered over the keys...waiting for some kind of answer to come to me. And all I could come up with was, "No." I hit 'Enter', and sat back as I waited anxiously for a reply. Would he be mad? Would he curse me out? Would he get depressed and not want to talk anymore? Sighhhh...why the fuck did I do this in the FIRST place??? Don't hate me, Rory. Please don't hate me.
The answer came back.
"I knew it. I could tell from the very first day I talked to you."
"Really? Am I that bad of a 'Kyle impersonator'?" I said, hoping to make a lighthearted joke out of it and not have him tell me to fuck off.
He sent a few giggles my way, and he said, "You gave it a valiant effort, hehehe. You're just not him. Like...completely different people. I can tell." Then he added, "Besides...a whole week, and you're not talking about getting me naked and blowjobs for breakfast? I'm thinking, 'that CAN'T be Kyle on the other side of this screen!' Hahaha!" Oh wow...he's...he's not mad!
"God, Rory...I feel sooooooo BAD for lying to you. I just...he wanted me to talk to you and...it was stupid. You should totally be ripping me a new asshole right now."
He said, "I'm sure the asshole you've got works just fine." Which was like having a ton of bricks lifted off of my shoulders. "So...can I ask you what you're real name is?"
I hesitated for a second, wondering if I could ever possibly think of myself being in Kyle's category. I'm good loking, but I'm sure it would be a step down from what he thought he had. Still, since the lie was all exposed and no longer useful, I gave it a shot. "My real name's Kevin."
It made Rory smile. "Kevin. I like it." He said. "Pleased to finally meet you."
With a bashful glow of embarrassment, I told him, "You know...Kyle...he's really a good guy, he just...has lapses in judgement sometimes. That's all."
Another break in conversation, like he was thinking. Then he said, "It was the picture I sent, wasn't it?"
"What do you mean?"
"It's ok, Kevin. I can guess what happened. He saw my picture and he's super hot so...he thought he could get somebody super hot too."
"Aww, no. Dude, it was nothing like that." I lied.
"I'll be alright. I'm used to it. The pretty boys get all the attention. It's just the way it goes. I'd SO much rather talk to someone with real 'heart', you know? Somebody with something to say. Someone...you know, like you, I guess. Hehehe.."
"I think you're REALLY cute, Rory." I said out of nowhere. Hehehe, you would think the protection of keyboard text would keep a person from blurting things out against his will. No such luck.
Luckily, he just laughed. "Hahaha! Whatever. I can't believe anything you say now!"
"No, I MEAN it. Ever since I saw you I thought...wow. But, despite all that, I meant every word I said. You really are cool to talk to. And if you're not too mad at me...I'd still like to stay in touch."
There was a momentary pause, and I felt myself blush as he wrote back, "Thanks, Kevin. You don't know how awesome it is to hear you say that. I've actually been kinda wondering who you really were for the last couple of days. You know, behind the keyboard and all. I think I like talking to you too."
"Cool. I'd like that." I said, and suddenly took notice of the fact that I was smiling from ear to ear. I think he was too, because neither one of us said anything for the next few seconds. At that moment, my mom called me to help her get some extra groceries out of her car, and I told Rory I had to go. "So we can still talk tomorrow, right?" I asked.
"Unless something goes wrong with your dad's surgery recovery, sure."
"Hehehe! STOP that!" I giggled, and waited for a second before I said, "Well...see ya 'round, Rory."
"Sweet dreams, Kevin" And he lingered for a moment longer before signing off.
I couldn't describe the feeling. But I liked it. A cute boy...a cute GAY boy...that enjoyed talking to ME. I never expected it for a moment...but Kyle may have just given me the sweetest gift in the whole wide WORLD...and he didn't even know it.
The only difficult part now...was waiting to chat with him again. Next time...as myself.