Saturday - NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO???
How could I have possibly made things worse than they already were? God, I wanna cry my fucking EYES out, but I don't think I even deserve that much. I'm total scum. I'm WORSE than scum! And even though I'm scared to deal with any of this...even though I should TOTALLY burn for it...I kinda want...more. I can't help it....I want more. :(
Look...it all started like this. Brandon called earlier this morning, and I was still pretty much walking around the house in my boxers and a t-shirt. Just hearing his voice was sooooo amazing, you know? I guess his mom went outside to clean up the yard a bit to make more room for her garden, and he had some privacy to talk on the phone. Of course, my mom was still in the house, so I had to be on my best behavior the entire time. And Brandon, being the bastard he is, certainly made a point of teasing me about it! I think he said every 'blush inducing' sentence that he could manage while we were talking! I think he was really having fun with the fact that I couldn't answer back and had to just sit there and giggle helplessly while he talked sexy to me. I mean, Brandon is one of those people who says a dirty word every now and then, but you never really expect him to. So it's always a ticklish surprise to hear him say anything even remotely innappropiate, you know? Today, I think he broke some kind of personal record, even if he was just doing it to taunt me.
I couldn't even tell you how HORNY Brandon made me, just moaning softly in my ear over the phone. It especially turned me on when he giggled through his own teasing. He couldn't even get some of the words out before snickering. And one time, he was like, "Omigod, hehehe, I think you just made me drool on myself!" I was laughing soooo hard, and it literally HURT to want him this badly! He has such a cute laugh, you know? It's like rubbing a newborn puppy's belly while he fights to get up off of his back. Hehehe, it's kinda hard to describe, but that's how it makes you feel. I guess you had to be there.
He stopped for a second, and I heard him sigh a bit to himself. He says, "I miss you, Billy."
And I'm like, "You just saw me yesterday, hehehe."
And he's all, "Yeah, but I didn't get to 'see you' see you, you know what I mean? I only got to see...you know...who you are at school. Who we both are at school. It's not the same."
Dude, I think I was melting even worse than before. I'm like, "Yeah, I know what you mean." And there was a pause.
And he broke the silence by saying, "Are you thinking about me sucking your dick, or what?" And he burst out laughing again.
I'm like, "STOP IT! You're making it WORSE!" I was soooo hard that I thought that I was gonna sprain something. I was holding it through my boxers, and pressing my palm against it to hold it down, and I humped the mattress for a bit, and I held my pillow up against my chest, and then I moved down to the floor and humped that for a while...ugh! Listening to Brandon's voice was driving me crazy! And I didn't know how much more I could take before I exploded all over the place! "Hold on a sec..." I told him, and I got up to quietly close and lock my bedroom door. I had to be really stealthy about that lock, because if my mom ever heard me lock the door, she'd immediately get up to see what I was up to. So I came and sat on the floor, my back to the door, and lifted the leg of my boxers to expose myself to the air. "...ok....keep talking."
Brandon giggled and said, "Naughty boy. What are you doing?"
I started stroking, and said, "Don't you worry about that. Just talk. I wanna hear your voice." I had to be soooo quiet, but something about that made it even hotter. So....that's just what Brandon did. He basically made love to my senses over the phone, and when he lowered his voice to a whisper...I couldn't really hold back anymore. I closed my eyes, and bit my bottom lip, and with a choked back whimper...I felt the first splash of my own juices shoot up and land just under my chin, with another one hitting my neck. The rest soaked into my t-shirt and then spilled over onto my hand. The stickiness of it began to slap and slosh with every stroke and I knew that it was making a much more noticeable noise. So I had to force myself to stop stroking, which is hard to do when you're this turned on and your tingling for more.
I was panting, and trying not to make anymore sound, when Brandon asked me if I came. I could hear the smile in his voice. It gave me aftershocks like you wouldn't believe. His voice has never been sexier. DAMMIT....I wish he could come over! I was still stiff as a board, but I didn't think I could get away with a second load without my mom getting suspicious as to why I was being so quiet for so long. Brandon seemed soooo far away at that moment. It seemed like it had been so long. I was literally losing my mind and almost ready to risk getting caught just to share one deep kiss with him, you know? It would be totally worth it. Sometimes I seriously can't believe this pretty boy is REALLY my boyfriend! And that's an incredible rush for me...but...what good is it if we can't ever really be together? What good is it if we always have to whisper and hide and can't just...be alone for a while?
Brandon had to go shortly after, as his mom was coming back in. It was starting to rain a bit, and it was an end to his advantage. But even though I loved just hearing from him...I think I was kinda sad when he hung up. I ached for him, and it almost hurt. It was just stupid. But I knew that this was wanted, and I was going to make it work. I don't know how, but I'll find a way.
And that meant coming clean with Bobby like I said I would. I wanted it gone. I wanted him out of my mind and out of this situation. He was a cool person and I never wanted to hurt his feelings, but if Brandon and I re going to be together, I can't let this linger on any longer. So I jumped on my bike, and I went over to his for our final talk. I didn't have any idea what I was going to say, but I'd think of something.
Most of my courage had left me by the time I rang his doorbell, but when he opened up and invited me in, I tried to straighten up anyway. He was wearing a thin pair of sweatpants and an open bathrobe, no shirt. his nervous smile already told me that he still didn't get the hint. That this wasn't going to be a 'good' conversation. I think he was still holding on to the hope that I'd be trying to go back to being his...number one guy. It was going to be hard, but it had to be done. I sat down on his bed, and he leaned up against his desk. He just...he gave me the dreamiest stare, you know? Like he had the boy of his dreams sitting right there in his room. It was going to be hard to break his heart.
I said, "You know...we've gotta talk about some things, ok?"
And he happily said, "Ok. That's cool."
But I'm like, "No, Bobby. Seriously. This...I mean...what happened before...with us...it was great and all..."
And he interrupts me, by getting down on his knees right in front of me and moving in between my legs. "It was great for me too! It was better than I ever thought it could be!"
I tried to stop him and I said, "Bobby...?"
But he wouldn't let me talk. He just blurted out, "Billy...I am SO ready to love you! I mean...all the way. I have wanted you for, like, my whole life. And I don't know if I can help myself anymore. I didn't want to be pushy or anything, but you get more and more amazing every single day and..."
I had to stop him. It had to be over. "Bobby...I'm...in love."
He's like, "I'm in love too."
But then I said, "Bobby, I'm in love with someone...else." Ugh! The words tasted like battery acid in my mouth when I said it. I would think that finally making the admission would be liberating, freeing me from having to deal with it anymore. But as his face suddenly changed right in front of my eyes, I realized that I never wanted to take back a set of words more than I did at that moment. He sat back on his haunches, and his eyes watered up almost instantly. He was silent, and I got a bit scared that I had really really hurt him. I said, "Bobby, I'm sorry. I just...I didn't want to hurt you. I just had to tell you."
He said, "Why?" He was sniffling, and the tears began to fall shamelessly from his eyes. "What did I do? I was trying, Billy. Why don't you want me?"
I'm like, "No....dude. It's not that I don't want you. You're awesome. You're really cool..."
And he says, "So why don't you love me?" I didn't know how to answer that, and after a short pause, he asked me, "Is it Brandon?" He looked so sad. I almost couldn't bear to look him in the eye. "Is it?"
I told him, "Bobby...look, I just didn't want to string this along anymore. That's all."
But he didn't let me avoid the question. "Just tell me, Billy. Please?" He whimpered. "I could just ask him, you know? But...I'd rather hear it from you." I hesitated for as long as I could, and then I just nodded. "Oh God..." Bobby stood up on his feet and turned towards his desk. He was really crying now, and this was exactly the kind of reaction that I was hoping to avoid.
I got up and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't be mad. I just...I was in love with Brandon for a long time, I just didn't know it at the time. And...and..."
He sobbed, "I thought you cared about me!"
And I said, "I DO care about you! We can still be friends."
He yelled, "FUCK your friendship! I LOVE you!" The pain in his voice was so deep, and his face was so wet with tears that I was terrified. He kept his back to me, and I kinda reached out a hand to pat him gently on the shoulder. As though THAT was going to bring him any comfort. Bobby said, "Oh no...PLEASE don't be sweet to me right now, Billy. Please don't be amazing right now. Ok?"
I didn't know what to do. I obviously wasn't any good at comforting my mom when she was crying, what would make me think that I'd be any better at consoling Bobby? So I said, "Look, I should probably go. I just...wanted to tell you. I'm sorry, k?" Just seeing him in so much pain almost made me tear up as well. In fact, it was only a few seconds later when I felt a stray tear roll down my own cheek. God, this ws worse than I thought it was gonna be.
But when I started to leave, Bobby turned around and said, "I can be better. I SWEAR I can! I'll change. What do you want me to do? Just tell me, and I'll do it."
And I'm like, "It's not like that. You're perfect the way you are, Bobby. Just...we're not perfect for each other."
And he asked, "But you and Brandon are?" I looked down at the floor, and nodded again. Bobby sniffled some more, and he came over to hug me tight around the waist. It was just this emotional rush that flooded out of him, and I hugged him back, getting choked up myself. "I'm always going to be in love with you, Billy. What I'm going to do with this feeing now?" He sobbed.
I was crying at this point, and all I could say was, "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." And somehow, that emotional moment began to change....into something else.
I don't know how it happened or why. I didn't even feel it creeping up on me until it was too late. But as we were both crying and holding each other tight, Bobby's hands started running up and down my back, and my hands started doing the same. And before I knew what hit me, we were KISSING! I don't know what the fuck HAPPENED!!! I was getting ready to leave, things were out in the open, and suddenly our eyes locked and we were making out like crazy! I mean it was extremely passionate, like we were just hungry for it! Our tongues were wrestling and our lips were smashed together and Bobby's robe fell off of his shoulders as I reached behind him and grabbed two handfulls of his ass. I gripped them tight and he whimpered like a little boy in my arms.
I could still feel the tears on his face, and I knew that I should stop this. I kept saying to myself, "Ok Billy, just stop! STOP kissing Bobby and leave! On the count of three! One...two...three! WHY are you still kissing Bobby??? KNOCK IT OFF!!!" I was so hard that I thought I was gonna blast off any second. I mean...I had been missing Brandon sooooo much, and the phone call, and me wanting him so badly...I think my mind and my body got confused. And soon, I just couldn't get enough. Bobby's ass was so round, so juicy...the more I clutched at it, the softer it got. And all I could think about was how mindblowing sex with Bobby used to be. I mean, sex with Brandon has been awesome, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But...Bobby just...he worshipped me so passionately. And he lasted for so long. And his body was just...right there in front of me...and I was so stiff...the whole situation just begn to break me down.
I didn't understand. I didn't WANT to understand. But finally, I said, "Bobby...Bobby wait, this is wrong. I have to go. I really have to go."
He was breathless, and he whispered, "Fuck me, Billy. Do it. Come on. Fuck me now." He whimpered a bit, and kissed me deeply again, and then he began to guide me to his bed.
I broke the kiss and said, "I have a boyfriend. Bobby, no, I can't do this."
He assured me, like, "Yes you can. Come here. Come on."
I TOLD him, "Bobby, I CAN'T, ok?"
But he held me close, and he was rubbing the front of my pants and he kissed my neck frantically. He said, "It's ok. Really. I want you to do it. I won't tell. I'll never tell. Just fuck me, please? PLEASE? Just once. It'll be our secret. Come on. Do it." He kept engouraging me, kept pulling me, kept talking to me, and then he lowered the back of his sweatpants and that smooth sweet ass came into contact with my palms...and...I kinda gave in. I don't think I've ever been hornier in my LIFE!
I started kissing him again, and he was undoing my pants, and the guilt just....vanished. It left me when I needed it the most. When I wanted it to protect me from making a STUPID fucking mistake like this! But it felt soooooo damn good! It was awesome just to touch somebody, suck on their tongue, and have their hardness rub up against mine. I needed that. Right then, right there, I needed that sexual attention that Brandon and I hadn't found the opportunity to really explore like we wanted to. I felt like a bastard, but my mind kept making up excuses. It's Bobbys fault, he knows how I feel. It's Brandon's fault for teasing me on the phone. It's the world's fault for making homosexuality such a taboo. Whatever...as long as I got my rocks off....any excuse would do. At fourteen...who would choose differently?
We were naked in an instant, rolling around on his bed, our arms and legs twisted around each other tightly as we humped and grinded and rolled our hips into one another like it was the last sex we'd ever get in our lives. And after about ten minutes of being on the brink of orgasm...Bobby stopped and reached into his bedside dresser drawer. He pulled out a small plastic packet. A condom. I couldn't believe that I was actually going to do this. I couldn't actually believe that I was considering turning it down either! So confusing! But...lost in the moment...my every answer was 'yes'.
Bobby opened the package, and he actually put the condom on for me. He was breathing so hard, he was so ready for me to do it. I was just swooning at this point, and he got up on all fours, and pointed his ass at me. His legs spread wide, and he moved back, a sensual dip in his back as he scooted backwards to present himself to me fully. Omigod....his ass. The ass that I had been dreaming about for God knows HOW long! It was right there in front of me! Winking at me. Begging me to push into him. And as the last hint of my devotion to my byfriend melted away, I lined myself up with that tight hole, his soft supple cheeks spread wide for me...and I applied pressure. It was SO wrong! But when I first felt my tip kiss that dime sized slit of his...I couldn't fight it anymore. It took some work and some more lubrication to get it in, but soon, the tightened lips of his asshole stretched to suck me into him. Ohhhhhhh wow......I had never been inside anybody before. I wasn't even sure that I knew what to do. But once I felt that heat engulf me...those spngy cheeks pressing against the sides of my hardness, all I could thing about was sinking in until I bottomed out. He was so HOT inside! So TIGHT! I had never felt anything like it! And I didn't dare look down, because the sight of me entering that ripe and delicious ass of Bobby's would make me cum WAY too fast! Not that I lasted all that long anyway.
I might have gotten five or six pushes into him before I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to hold it back, but I knew it was too late. So I started to slam into him like a madman, giving him everything that I had in the last few moments that I had to enjoy this. The cushion of his bubbled ass against my lap, the heat of his insides, the tightness of his quivering ring....I couldn't contain myself anymore. I remained still, but Bobby, in his lustful state of mind, pushed and grinded his ass back on me a couple of times, trying to get all of me inside of him...and that was too much for me to handle! I came HARD while he was humping his hot ass back against me! He moaned out loud as I exploded inside of him. I couldn't evenremain on my knees, and collapsed on his back, feeling his sexy ass still gripping my softening inches desperately as we both attempted to come down from our sexual high! OmiGOD...it was sexy!
We fell over to the side, and when I slipped out of Bobby's ass, he wailed in this sexy high pitched voice that almost made me want to stick it back in and go for round two. But, when he rolled over and kissed me deeply on the lips, and I felt the vibrations of our coupling wearing off...I relaxed a bit more, and realized that I had just made things SOOOOO much worse than it was before! I mean..was this what they mean by 'break up sex'? I heard that term on a late night talk show once. Maybe that's what it was. Break up sex. Or....or...maybe I'm locked back in to a relationship that I was supposed to be getting rid of in the first place. I couldn't tell. But I knew that I had to go. Even sitting there in the bed, cuddling and kissing Bobby Jinette as though we had been lovers for years, I knew that I had to go.
I said, "Bobby....we shouldn't have done this."
And you know what he said??? He says, "I won't tell, Billy. I just want to keep a piece of you in my life, that's all. And any time you want to come over here and push yourself into this ass of mine, you just call me...and I'll be ready and waiting. Ok?" What does THAT mean??? That I can fuck him whenever I want? With no committment? Without Brandon finding out? Without having to go without sex for such a long time? I mean...is he offering himself to me to use as I please??? Does this shit even HAPPEN in real life? Is he using me? Or am I using him? Or is this a trick, where we end up using each other? AND If we are....where's the harm in it?
My head is still aching with the possibilities. And I don't know whether to feel really bad, or be really REALLY turned on by the idea of super hot passionate sex without consequences. But....as far as Brandon is concerned...I felt like trash.
He trusted me. Believed in me. I should have stopped that whole fiasco before it even got started. I should have told Bobby that we couldn't see each other anymore over the phone or something. This bad. It's REALLY bad! Because I don't know if Bobby took today's activities as a way for me to say goodbye, or the beginning of something new. But whatever it was...I seem to have dug myself a deeper hole than I'm able to get out of by myself. I can only hope that I can find away to dettach myself from Bobby completely before I end up sleeping with him again and ruining EVERYTHING that I have with my boyfriend. I know Brandon is everything that I could ever want in a guy, but...Boby was so 'available' on the weekends. And I can't stop thinking about how tight his ass was, and how amazing it was to fuck him hard while he begged me for more. He was a completely different lover from Brandon, and his body was so ready for whatever I could give it. I just....I wish I wasn't so mixed up over Bobby. I can't understnd why I'm SOOOO attracted to him sexually! He drives me CRAZY! And I can't get enough of his hot body once I get a taste of him. This has GOT to be unhealthy! In every imaginable way!
Anyway, I've gotta go. But I'll write more soon. AND Hopefully it won't be about Bobby Jinette ever again! I just want to let go! Please....just let me be free of him once and for all.