Saturday - Ok, you know what? If Jimmy LaPlane wants to be an asshole, then FINE! I was just trying to fucking HELP him out, and he's too damn stubborn to even TALK to me!
So last night, right before going to bed, I wrote Jimmy an email to tell him to talk to me this morning. I made SURE to tell him, "Call me as SOON as you wake up!" I remember him saying that he was going to meet AJ today and that they were gonna do it over at his house. He was making a BIG mistake! I was TRYING to save him the horror of getting his heart broken again! But I wake up, and he hasn't called. No message or anything. I check my email, and he didn't send me anything there either. So I wait. And I wait. And I wait some more. Nothing. So I call Jimmy's cell phone, and the first time, it just rings and rings and then goes to voicemail. But the second time I called, it went to voicemail right away. Meaning that he KNEW that I was trying to call, and he shut his damn phone off! I mean, what the hell is his problem?
I think I stayed mad at him for all of an hour. I was like, "Fine, fuck him then! Let him get hurt, if that's what he wants!" But I didn't stay with that train of thought for very long. All I could think about was Jimmy laying up in that hospital bed, with tears in his eyes and scars on his wrists. I had never seen anybody look so 'empty' before. So sore on the inside. I kept thinking about the kind of pain he was gonna go through if I didn't stop this. AJ could be a real trickster when he wanted to be. He certainly had ME fooled when we were together. And Jimmy can be...so much more delicate about these things.
So I grabbed the phone again, and even though I didn't really wanna do it...I called AJ's phone instead. I just...I had to do SOMETHING, and Jimmy wasn't listening. AJ answered the phone, and the first thing I said to him was, "Let me talk to Jimmy."
I swear, I could hear the smug smile in his voice when he said, "Actually...I am balls deep in his pretty little ass right now. You might wanna call back in a couple of hours." He was KIDDING of course, because I could hear the music of the mall in the background and other people walking around. Still, it pissed me off though.
I told him that I demanded he put Jimmy on the phone, but I heard Jimmy's voice in the background ask, "Who is that? Is that Billy Chase? Dude...hang up. I don't wanna talk to him."
Arrrgh! What the hell is he DOING??? I tried to get AJ to pass him the phone anyway, but he just said, "Whoops! Sorry, man. Looks like he doesn't want to talk to ya. And what baby wants, baby gets. See ya." And then he clicked off on me! He fucking....UGH!!!!
He knew what he was doing. He was gonna totally tear Jimmy's heart apart once he's done using him for sex. I was so livid that I was seriously pacing at this point, I was so mad. And after a bit of thought, I actually put my shoes on, grabbed my house keys, and took off towards the bus stop. If Jimmy won't talk to me on the phone...then I'll just have to go over there and meet him face to face. And this time...I don't CARE if he finds out what happened between me and AJ before! I don't even care if he knows that I'm gay. Better he get his feelings hurt now before they scars get too deep to ever heal again.
Look...I KNOW that it's really none of my business. And the whole bus ride towards the mall, I did consider the idea that I might be intruding on something that I really shouldn't be a part of. Especially since Jimmy told me 'directly' to stay out of it. But I just...I remember how much it hurt to see AJ just brush me off to be with some other boy, and then call me right back over for sex like it was nothing. I remember how 'cheap' it felt to give myself over to someone so selfish, and deal with the guilt of knowing that I did it just because it felt good. And if I had to go through something like that all over again, and the roles were reversed...I'd want Jimmy to warn me. I'd want him to save me the heartache. It's just what friends do.
Sighhh...as if I didn't have ENOUGH on my mind these days, I've gotta deal with this too!
Unfortunately, when I got to the mall, they were already gone. I searched all over the place, and double checked the food court...but they were gone. For al I know, AJ could have whisked him away before I even left my house. Which would mean...
...They're already way past tongue kissing by now...
I failed. I mean...I TRIED, but I...I just couldn't get Jimmy to listen. If I had just told Jimmy I was gay from the get go, this would have been a lot easier to explain to him. I could have given him a concrete reason as to WHY he shouldn't get his heart mixed up in something like this. Now all I can do is hope that Jimmy is smart enough to figure out what's going on before it's too late, and gets the hell out of there before AJ gets what he wants.
I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed on that one.
Oh yeah, so I had a weird run in with Sam today too. And it was kinda after coming home from the mall, so...I was already in a fucked up mood, I guess.
His visit started out normal enough, but I guess he could see that something was bothering me, because he asked me, "Still thinking about Brandon?"
And I was like, "No. Not this time. Something completely different. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a downer."
Sam was quick to tell me, "It's no problem. Really. I understand." But after a couple of seconds, he sat down next to me on the bed, and he says, "So...that's why you guys broke up? Because you...um..." He got nervous, which made ME nervous, because I had already given him more details than I wanted him to know already.
I was just like, "Yeah. You don't have to say it."
I wanted to hurry up and change the subject, but before I could get up and throw a video game in or something, Sam said, "So you were, like...with TWO guys then?"
Ugh! It's kinda hard to counter this conversation with something else that's equally as fascinating for him to think about. I tried to laugh it off and said, "Well, not at the same time. Hehehe! So you wanna play a game or something?" I already had my back to him looking for one before he could answer.
Then he was like, "Wow...two guys? But...but that's like IT, right? I mean, just two?"
And I didn't really look at him when I said it. I was like, "...Yeah. Of course."
I heard Sam fidget for a second, and he says, "Dude...are you lying to me?"
I'm like, "What?...NO!"
But he says, "Yes you are. You always take that weird little pause before you answer me when you know you're lying."
I said, "...No I don't."
He points at me and says, "SEE??? You did it again! Jesus, how many guys did you do it with???"
I had to hush him up FAST! "SAM!!! Christ! My MOM'S in the other room!" He had to literally cover his mouth with both hands to keep his outbursts to a minimum, but even without me answering the question, he was thrown for a loop by the fact that I've had a whole sexual history without him knowing about it
I turned the game system on, and we were playing for about five minutes just fine, until he got all quiet again. Then he's like, "Billy...if I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?"
I don't know what his question was...but I knew that I didn't want to answer it. I said, "C'mon, Sam, can't we just play for a while?" But he wouldn't let it go. So...reluctantly...I said, "Fine What is it?"
He paused the game for a moment and said, "Billy...did you ever, like...look at ME like..."
"NO!!!" I said all of the sudden. No pause that time! I made sure there was *NO* pause whatsoever!!!
He's like, "WAIT! You didn't even let me finish."
I'm like, "I didn't NEED to let you finish. I know what you were thinking."
And he's all, "Well? I mean, did you? Did you ever, like...think about me and you..."
"NO!!!" I said again. Knowing that I was basically lying my ass off. I'm NOT getting into that. He is NEVER gonna know about that part! I don't care HOW much he badgers me, I'm not gonna confess to it. He was already kinda making the 'Eww' face again, and I just...I don't wanna deal with him knowing how crazy I was about him at one time.
Then Sam was like, "Never?"
And I'm like, "Hell no!"
So he wrinkles up his forehead a bit, and he's like, "What do you MEAN, 'hell no'? Why 'hell no'?"
I'm like, "WHAT? What are you talking about?"
So he gets all weird, and he's like, "Well, you didn't have to say it like that. You're like...'hell no', what does that mean? I'm cute, right?"
So NOW I'm totally confused, and I'm like, "Do you WANT me to think about you like that?"
He's like, "No! I'm just saying...I mean, geez...'hell no' is a little bit harsh, don't you think?" Then I look over at him, and he's almost like..POUTING about it! Hahaha, omigod, it was adorable! He looked back at me as a smile broke out on my face, and then we both started giggling out loud at the idea of him being offended that his gay friend wouldn't hit on him. He threw a pillow at me and said, "Hehehe, I can't believe you hit me with the 'hell no' tag, dude. That's just cruel."
We shared a laugh about it, and thankfully he let it go. But after another five minutes of normality, I had to ask. Because it was just...bugging me. "Hey Sam? If...if I said that...I had a crush on you..would it freak you out?"
I don't know why I asked him that. It instantly made him uncomfortable. It was like...he wiggled a bit inside, and I regretted asking the question. At least he answered honestly, and said, "I don't know. Maybe a little..." He peeked at me for a second, but quickly turned back to the screen. I didn't pursue it any further Thing are...'good' between me and Sam. And despite a few surprise comments, he's handling my coming out pretty well so far. I don't wanna screw things up by making things awkward. I just hope it's one of those things that he doesn't let spin around in his head all night until he's forced to come back with more questions.
So anyway, that was my Saturday. Sam did actually take my mind off of Jimmy for most of the evening, and I was thankful for that. But...tomorrow, I'm going over to Jimmy's house, and I'm gonna set things straight. I just want to let him know that I'm not just doing this to wreck his relationship with AJ. I'm doing this because, whether he knows it or not, he HAS no relationship with AJ. And if I have to...'tell him'....about me, that is...then I will. I mean it, I will. It's not like he wasn't going to somehow find out eventually anyway. So...yeah.
Jimmy's house. Tomorrow afternoon. Sighhhh...God I hope this works.