Thursday - Omigod...I can't believe it. I honestly can't believe it. He knows. Bobby actually knows about Brandon.
At lunch today, Brandon and I went out to the side lawn for lunch to get some privacy...and mostly to avoid the HORRIFYING events of yesterday's lunch period!!! But somewhere during our conversation, he gave me the sweetest stare. You know, the kind when you can just SEE their love for you in their eyes? I swear...I nearly fell over when he looked at me like that! It was so intense! And he kinda gave me this really flirtatious smile...AHHHH!!! It was sooo CUTE! And he says, "You are so beautiful...you know that?" Ok, so I'm like total jello right now, and I can barely sit still because my guts are getting so wiggly inside. He's like, "Hehehe, I'm sorry. Am I being weird?"
And I go, "NO! You're not being weird at ALL! You're being....sighhh....awesome, as usual."
And he's like, "Cool. I thought about you a lot this morning. And it just, like...made me feel so..." He was literally struggling to find the words to tell me how he felt about me! I didn't know what to DO with myself! I was just....it was like, I'm SO not here right now! I felt like I was exploding and imploding at the same time! Then he said to me, "...Sometimes I really feel so 'goofy' over you, Billy. It can't be healthy to think about someone this much." And I think he heard me sniffle a little bit, because he looked closer at me, and I'm, like...completely WRECKED emotionally at this point! Like, I'm kinda almost crying, but trying not to cry, but I'm choked up anyway...yeah, that type of weirdness. So he asks me, "Dude, are you crying?"
And I try to answer, but I'm sniffling and tearing up, so I whimper out, in the funniest way, "....no...." And Brandon breaks out laughing at my lame attempt to cover up my feelings like that. I can't ever see his smile without smiling myself, so I start laughing too, and a COUPLE of tears came down, but I don't think he saw them. Or maybe he just thought it was because I was laughing. I don't know. Does that seem overly gay to you? Ah, forget it.
Anyway, so everything is going great, and after I'm able to regain control of myself without melting all over the place, Brandon asks me, "So...did you tell Sam? About us, I mean?" He seemed a bit nervous about it when he asked, but he didn't really seem mad about it. I guess he just wanted to know.
I'm like, "No way. I didn't say a word."
But Brandon said, "It's ok if you did. I won't get upset. I just thought that..you know...after yesterday...."
And I told him, "Oh man, that was just crazy. I don't know where that came from. But no, I didn't tell him. I swear."
Well, he got all cute and blushed a little, and he said, "You know...I was kinda thinking about telling somebody. But he's cool though, it's not like he'll freak out or anything. I just...I always feel like I wanna talk about you, and I can't ever really do it with anybody else."
It made me curious, so I asked him, "Well...who were you gonna tell?"
And he's like, "Bobby."
"BOBBY???" Did I totally shout that out instead of trying to say it like a normal person? "Bobby Jinette? Why Bobby Jinette?"
I think I was having a panic attack at the moment, and Brandon was just kinda giggling about it. "Well, he'd....um...'understand', if you know what I mean." Brandon winked at me, and I instantly looked down at my shoes. I was so scared that he'd suddenly, like, read my mind or something and pick out those few afternoons when Bobby and I were doing...just about everything to each other! He said, "Don't look so worried. Bobby's gay, just like us. He'd be happy for us." Ok, I'm willing to bet that that won't be the case in this situation. "Are you ok?"
I must have turned pale right in front of him, because he looked really concerned. "I'm...I'm...."
And he says, "Billy, if you don't want Bobby to know you're gay, then I won't tell him."
And I said, "Um...yeah....I don't know if I....want him to know. About me, that is. I just..." I was trying to walk a tightrope over a tank full of maneating sharks at that moment, but I was hoping that I'd be able to get a safe passage. I know that I suck for telling Brandon a lie...actually, it wasn't really LYING so much as 'holding back the truth'. Still, I had this rotten feeling in my stomach that basically told me that this was one of those times where I could either come clean...or dig myself deeper. "I'm not ready for Bobby to know about me yet. K? I'm sorry."
Yeah....I'll take 'dig myself deeper' for $800, Alex...
He was being a sweetheart about it, and said, "It's ok. It'll be our secret then. No biggie. I just thought that maybe you told Sam, and I thought...you know, it might be cool. I feel like I wanna scream out your name every second of the day, and Bobby is the only one who would listen." He grinned at me, and I tried to smile with him, but my heart wouldn't let me. I think I totally fucked up by ever going over to Bobby's house. I shouldn't have done it. I should have just waited for Brandon to come back from his cousin's wedding and kept my dick to myself. Shit....why won't this just 'go away'? Why is it still even here in my life? I don't need it anymore. I don't even WANT it anymore. I've gotta find a way to fix this. Seriously.
Then...as I got to thinking about it...something hit me. Brandon was never really one to talk about...'gay stuff' before. Like...ever. So...why would it be so easy to tell Bobby? Why does he even KNOW about Bobby? I asked him, "How did you know Bobby was gay?" I hope I phrased that right. Because, technically, I'm not supposed to know that.
And he's like, "He told me." Which really freaked me out.
I was like, "When?"
And he said, "Wow, a long time ago. I think he was kinda 'interested' in me for a little while, but maybe it was just a crush. Anyway, he kept inviting me over to his house and stuff, and we had a good time, but I kinda had this huge crush on you instead, and I couldn't really get my mind off of you long enough to want anybody else. But we're still friends though. He told me, I told him...it was actually kinda funny, you know?" I seriously couldn't believe my ears. And that information only made my panic worse. He's all, "You know, I shouldn't even be telling you this, but he has got a MAJOR crush on YOU! Hehehe! He always talked about how incredible you were, and he used to literally 'squirm' at the idea of just getting a kiss from you. I told him that my heart was sorta wrapped up in somebody, but I never said it was you. I think he would have flipped out if he thought we were after the same boy."
I just kinda sat there, turning from white, to red, to blue, in the face. "Heh heh...yeah....weird." Okaaaay, things just got a little bit more difficult than expected. Let's just hope that the two of them don't have any planned conversations about who they like and compare notes.
So, that was a strange part of my day. Another strange part came from my mom. She was so quiet today. And she stared off into space a lot. Didn't say much at all outside of calling me to the table to eat dinner. Then she snaps out of it temporarily and says, "Billy...I need you to come home right after school tomorrow, ok? And I need you to be ready for dinner at six. It's important."
I'm thinking, what's so important about dinner? I told her, "I can't. I've gotta go to that stupid tutoring session tomorrow again. Remember? The one you're MAKING me go to?"
She totally snapped on me. Like, "Dammit, Billy, don't you give me that attitutde. You have no idea how much your father and I had to sacrifice in order for you to have a good education. And you treat it like you just don't care." Where the hell was THIS coming from? It's not like I was cursing in a church or anything. She looked really mad. "You just make sure that you go to that session, and then you come home right after. Nowhere else, you got it?"
So I'm like, "That's what I just said."
And she literally gave me the most irritable look ever, saying, "That mouth of yours needs to remain closed right now. Alright. Just do what I tell you and don't be late." And she got up from the table and went into her room. I really didn't do ANYTHING to deserve all of that! She's being weird all of the sudden. I guess I've just gotta keep quiet and stay out of her way until she gets rid of whatever is bugging her.
So now, not only do I have to deal with Simon, the homophobic wonder nerd, but I've evidently got a highly important appointment with mom's Friday night pot roast. Sometimes, life is just stupid.
I've gotta go. I've got homework coming out of my EYES right now, and I've gotta finish it all quick so that maybe I can have some time to spend with my boyfriend this weekend. Oh, and Lee sent me a message asking if I still wanted to get together some time soon. Which I'm totally down for! Hey...I wonder if I could tell him about me and Brandon. Imagine that...me and Lee talking about the love of my life...while he's sitting in my lap NAKED!!! Hahaha! Ok, ok, scratch that last part! But....Brandon's right, you know? It would be kinda cool to tell somebody. It's cool having it be a secret too....but...sighhhhh...it would be soooo much cooler to, like, tell somebody else how happy I am. How truly in love I am. Maybe I just wanna brag, you know? Because it feels too awesome to bottle it up forever. Yeah, it would be cool.
I'll see ya soon!