- Well, THIS was a shitty day if ever I saw one.
Ok...note to self for the next time I decide to skip out on school...MUST make sure that the classes I'm missing aren't having a surprise pop quiz!
Shit! As soon as I got back to my Science class today, my teacher was quick to mention that she 'missed me' during yesterday's class period. And then she started handing back graded pop quiz papers to everyone else. Since I wasn't there, then I failed it. And that brings my grade down even LOWER, which ultimately means more time with Simon in the student center after school. Dammit, it's SO not fair! I'm just willing to bet that she did that shit on purpose just because I wasn't there! She is SUCH a bitch! God! Now she's not only going to make me go for even more tutoring sessions that I don't need, but she's sending a note home to report my absence, along with the regular one the school computer prints up automatically whenever a student is marked absent without an excuse. So I've gotta remember to intercept BOTH letters before my mom gets her hands on them. The LAST thing I need is more trouble on the homefront. I don't know why my teacher is SO determined to get me in hot water. What the hell did I ever do to HER?
And you know what's worse??? I had to go see Simon after school today, and he's like, "I heard you missed a pop quiz, yesterday. I'm supposed to give you this extra worksheet packet, and you have to bring it to your teacher tomorrow. Sorry." Which, I didn't really care about what he thought. Whatever. Just give me the extra work and shut up about it already, right? But then he says, "You know...Brandon's in two of my afternoon classes. He seemed to be missing too yesterday. Weird."
It really made me angry! What's THAT supposed to mean? Why is he constantly WATCHING the two of us??? Why can't he just leave us the fuck alone and stop thinking about us altogether? If I wanted him to know about us, I'd tell him. Otherwise, there's no reason for him to even take an interest in what we do when he's not staring in our direction. I told him, "I know what you're getting at, Simon."
And he's all, "Really? What am I getting at?" You know, like...he's daring me to say it, or something.
And I tell him, "Why don't you just mind your own business? We were just hanging out. Like it has anything to do with you."
Then he says, "I never said that you two were together. I just said that he was absent yesterday. And that it was weird."
I'm like, "Don't twist my words around!"
And he's like, "I'm not twisting anybody's words around. As a matter of fact, I didn't even ASK you. I was just making an observation and you got all touchy about it."
To hell with him. "I'm NOT getting touchy about anything! So why don't you just hand me the damn paper, open the fucking book, and do your JOB, 'Mr. Braniac Tutor', so I can get out of this place and go home?"
You know what he says to me after that? He says, "You're not really helping your case any by avoiding the question. But whatever."
I ask him, "Why do you wanna know so bad? Are YOU gay?" I said, hoping to turn the tables.
He just says, "No." And then he looks at me like he's expecting me to say something else. He's like, "It's your turn."
I'm like, "My turn for what?"
He's all, "Are you gay, Billy?" I just wanted him to forget about it. Was that so hard? Was that too much to ask of somebody who hardly even knows me? I guess I waited too long, because Simon says, "See? You can't just say 'no'. You fidget and squirm and dodge the question. It's not a hard question to answer, you know? Are you or are you not?" I glared at him, and he said, "Look, whether you say yes or no, it doesn't matter to me. If you just give me an answer, I'll leave you alone. I just wanna know."
I finally got tired of having him badger me about it. So I gritted my teeth and said, "No...I'm NOT gay. Alright? Are you happy now?"
So he says, "Me being happy didn't have anything to do with the question." And then he just goes back to the work book and expects me to forget what just happened. I mean...he just outright ACCUSED me of being a fag, right there in the student center! He....he's been watching me! And Brandon! He's been keeping tabs on us and what we do, and where we go...and he's just waiting for me to slip up so he can TELL everybody! I'll just bet he is. I will SO kick his ass if he brings this up again! I swear to God, he better pray that no one else finds out about me and Brandon, because I might just beat the living shit out of him on suspicion alone!
All in all...not a good tutorng session. It's hard to concentrate around him anyway. Not gay...whatever, Simon. What straight boy has the boyband knowledge that he does, anyway. And he's too sweet looking and sugary to be totally straight. Look at his ass! It's totally 'do-able'. God just wouldn't give a straight boy an ass that 'do-able'.
And adding to an already miserable day, I had somewhat of a difficult meeting with Bobby right before lunch. It wasn't really supposed to be...like this.
I mean, Sam is working things out with Joanna, and I'm sure he's either gonna be hanging out with her, or worse...bringing her over to our table. Either way, I wasn't looking forward to seeing them all snuggled up together while I'm eating. Besides, I was totally looking forward to eating outside with Brandon again. After yesterday...hehehe...well, I just wanted to see what he looked like with clothes on again.
Wow....I just got the coolest feeling inside.
Anyway, I saw Bobby in the hall, and he smiled at me. He walked over and was like, "Hey! Where are you sitting? You wanna eat together today? I thought maybe we could make some plans for this weekend." You should have seen the hopeful look on his face. As though I was holding his happiness in the palm of my hand. It was unsettling.
I told him, "Uhhh....actually, you know what? I'm kinda going somewhere else to eat lunch today. So..."
And he asks, "That's cool. Well, where are you going? I can stand to get out of this place for a while." Why is he so enchanted by me? It's just....'me'.
Which made it even more difficult to do this gently. So I said, "Well....Bobby...I kinda wanna be alone today."
That's when his face drooped a little bit. "....oh."
I told him, "I'm sorry, Bobby. I just...I've got a lot on my mind right now. I just wanna work things out on my own for a little while. Ok?"
He said, "Sure. I understand." His smile almost came back to his face....and then...Brandon walked up.
He says, "What's up, Bobby?" Big grin and all. "So, Billy, are you ready to go?" Arrrgh!
Naturally, Bobby, gives him a weird look. Then he looks back at me. "I thought you said you wanted to be alone today?"
I hesitated a second. "Well....I mean..."
Then Brandon looks at me and asks, "Oh dude...are you ok? If you wanna be alone and do this some other time......"
I'm like, "No!" I'm trying to keep Brandon still and get Bobby to leave at the same time, and all eyes are on me. "Um...Bobby...what I meant to say....is that 'WE' need to be alone. Me and Brandon. To...um...talk about...stuff." I don't know what screwed up piece of my brain thought that a comment like that would actually WORK. Or that it would succeed in soothing Bobby's feelings in any way. But I didn't know what else to do on the 'fly' like that. "Bobby, I just...what I mean is..."
"No. I think I get it." He said. He looked at me, and then at Brandon, and then back at me. I could almost see his wheels turning, putting things together. From the time Brandon came back into town until now, and all the times that I've been avoiding him in between. "It's ok. You guys have fun. Maybe I'll catch you some other time. See ya." The funny thing is, Bobby didn't really look all that hurt. At least, I don't think he did. I didn't know what to expect. He wasn't smiling anymore. He just kinda 'dettached' his attention from me all at once and kinda walked off. I would love to be dumb enough to think that would be the end of it. That this whole situation could actually be that easy to resolve. But something tells me that I'm gonna regret ever bumping into Bobby today. I can just feel it.
But, despite the horrendous day, and all the garbage feelings that came with it...one thing made everything worth the frustration. And that was the fact that I can still feel myself in Brandon's arms every time that I think of his smile. I mean...no matter what happens, that alone is going to make everything ok. I could, like, get hit by a freakin' BUS tomorrow, and I'll die knowing that I had one glorious afternoon where everything was just....beautiful. You know? I wonder if anybody else ever really gets the chance to experience something so amazing. Where you do something wrong, but you know that it was worth all that and more. Where no sacrifice seems too big, and no moment you spend together seems too small. I know that sometimes I get so completely goofy over Brandon that it's hard for me to even speak without stuttering. And other times I get so lost and so frustrated that I couldn't tell you which way is up if I tried. And there are even more times where my mind and body just refuse to believe that any of this is happening, and I worry that I'm gonna wake up from this incredible dream at any moment, and spend the rest of my life in pain. But...every once in a while...I have a moment like the one I'm having right now. Where you just...you love someone so much that it completely absorbs you, and you cease to be a person anymore. You're just this...important part of something better. And there's such a comfort in that. Because I think we're all looking for someone to love us as much as we love them. It's kinda scary to actually experience it. Especially for the first time.
Ok, I'm getting all spacey now. I'm just trying to find some actual way to put what I feel into words. They, lke....escape me. Whatever. I'm going to bed.
I got an email from Lee tonight that asked me when we were gonna finally hang out. Hehehe, he put this cute little animation of a sad clown face in his message, and he was holding up a sign that said, "Don't you love me anymore?" Hahaha! I guess you had to see it. He must, like, actually practice being that adorable. It can't be natural, I swear.
Anyway, I'll write more tomorrow. Maybe I'll get the guts to talk to Bobby some more about....'stuff'. Chances are that I'll just chicken out again, but at least I can admit a certain desire to patch things up before they get torn up too badly. That should count for something, right? Sighhhh...whatever.