Tuesday - Ok...I think I've honestly had enough of this fussy BULLSHIT!!! I'm serious! My dad called the house tonight, just after dinner, and I picked up the phone. At first I really thought that this was going to be about me ditching class, but he didn't even mention it. Which should have made me feel better, but ended up only making me more paranoid about it in the end. Anyway, he was actually being somewhat 'nice' to me, which was a change. But my mom overheard me talking, and figured out it was him on the phone. Now, most of the time, I'm on Mom's side of the argument when it comes to him, but tonight I found myself changing sides this time. It was weird, but she was totally out of line. You would think that choosing between your parents wouldn't be all that difficult, when it came to a simple matter of right and wrong. But let me tell you that it's not that simple.
I don't know why I have to fucking 'choose' anyway! I mean...what the fuck???
My mom wants to 'talk' to him, and I'm forced to stop my conversation with my own father, just so she can talk to him first. I mean, it was the first civilized talk that I've had with my dad in a long time, I was kinda...I dunno...enjoying it. You know? Anyway, SHE gets on, and before I know it, they're at it again. And she's practically shouting into the phone, and I can clearly hear him shouting back. What the FUCK is the MATTER with them?!?!?! They're supposed to be fucking *ADULTS* for Christ sake!!! How fucking HARD is it to act like you have some kind of goddamn SENSE and talk to each other for once without all of this built up hostility coming out?
It's like they have to 'prove' how angry they are, so they can't just shut the fuck up and swallow the utter HATRED they feel long enough to even be nice for *MY* sake! It's like they can't control themselves at ALL! WHY???? Why do they have to be so fucking stubborn and pigheaded ALL the time? Why can't just ONE of them back down long enough to have a conversation instead of always trying to be 'in the right'? Do they have any idea how fucking MISERABLE this is making me??? I've got too much on my mind to have to sit here and referee this petty garbage! They're supposed to at least LIKE each other! So sit down and settle it without....fucking....*YELLING*!!!
Jesus! I'm sorry, but sometimes I'm just baffled by the shit that people allow to invade them to the point where they're ready to wage war over something that could be solved in five minutes if they let their emotions cool off a little bit first Hell, I've been mad at Simon, I've been mad at AJ, I've been mad at Brandon, I've been TOTALLY mad at Sam and Joanna...and despite being hurt by it all, you don't see me throwing any bricks through their front window! You don't see ME shouting and cursing and causing unnecessary conflicts EVERY TIME I fucking cross paths with them just because I have some STUPID need to put my anger on display! So they're getting divorced! SO WHAT?!?! FINE!!! GOOD!!! Go your separate ways and stop making me LOOK at it already! I'm too hurt and pissed off to even fucking CARE anymore! Either kill each other or let it go! I'm done trying to even understand you any more! Fuck you both!
Anyway, so Brandon and Bobby are seriously pushing me on both sides to make things happen for this weekend. Brandon REALLY wants us to be together again. Bobby REALLY wants us to be together again. And I don't think they realize what direction they're pushing me towards. I know that there was a time when I thought it might be really cool to pull off sleeping with them both, without damaging anybody's heart in the end. But this is seriously fucked up, and I really don't want to do it any more. It's like...the 'appeal' of it isn't what it used to be. In my fantasies it seemed awesome! But actually doing this in practice...it feels, you know...wicked. And wrong. I'm constantly stressed out about one of them saying something, or finding out, and at the end of the day, it's even WORSE than being in the closet! Not to mention the fact that Brandon can just randomly call Bobby on the phone any day of the week and just...'talk'. That's more nerve-wracking than anything.
I should just...I should stop this. I'm gonna pay the devil his due just ONE more time, and that's this Thursday. And I'm ONLY doing that because...well...it would be less difficult to explain to Bobby why I'm doing it than it would be to explain to Brandon why we 'can't'. You know what I mean? I wish Bobby didn't enjoy sex with me sooooo much! When I saw him today in gym, all he could do was stare and giggle and blush and...just...'touch' me. Thinking back to the times we were together...he just...sighhh...he whimpered so desperately. He sucked me like it was the most delicious warm popsicle on Earth! And even when we came, he would cuddle up right under my ribs and literally 'cling' to me with a smile on his face until we were both hard and ready to go again. It's like...he was totally in love with my body in a way that I didn't understand. I think he enjoyed playing with me more than I enjoyed playing with myself.
How did I get to be so...um...'desireable'?
Oh, something weird happened today! I saw Simon in the hallway today during passing period, and stopped to talk to him for a bit. I mean, it was just some small talk, and it was good that we were friends again. I had forgotten how much I missed his sense of humor, and the cute way his shoulders jiggle when he laughs. NOT that I was looking for 'cute' things about Simon! I swear! That ship has sailed. Besides, I'm in enough trouble as it is!
So we were chatting it up like usual, and then...totally random...Jamie Cross and some of his friends come around the corner and pass us up. Naturally...I became slightly 'distracted'. I wasn't TRYING to ignore Simon, but my eyes just naturally flutter over to that boy no matter what he's doing. Honestly, he could be performing an 'autopsy', and I'd look right past all of those rotten guts with a dreamy stare just to adore him for as long as humanly possible. He's just...a god to me, you know?
Anyway, Simon sees me looking over his shoulder, and he turns to look too. And when he sees Jamie Cross behind him, he looks back at me and raises an eyebrow! He had this really evil smirk on his face, and I took in a deep breath, straightening up as if I could somehow 'hide' my infatuation from this point. I'm like, "WHAT???"
Simon clears his throat and says, "Um...wow. Okaaaay...hehehe!"
"WHAT???" I say again. "It's not...I'm not..." And that's when Jamie sees me and gives me that smile. You know...that really beautiful...Jamie smile.
Jamie's like, "Hey, Billy. What's up, man?"
And as he's still walking by, I kinda stumble around my words and say, "Hey...Jamie. Just...chilling...and umm...stuff."
And he goes, "Cool! I'll seeya later!" And he keeps walking, but I'm total jelly inside from having him speak to me, and when I look back at Simon, he has his arms folded with a grin.
He's like, "Dude...I don't even wanna know."
Ok, so I was caught red handed. There was no denying it at this point. So I just smile and say, "I can't help it. He's tasty." I mean, what the hell, right?"
And Simon actually blushes, his smooth little cheeks turned pink right in front of me. And he's like, "Omigod...no you did NOT just say that!" And I licked my lips, which made us both giggle out loud. Then he's like, "I've gotta go to class. But maybe we'll hang out or something soon? Give me a call."
And I was like, "Sure. I'm down. I'll see ya later." I don't know, something about being able to just...be honest about Jamie Cross in front of a straight boy and not have him recoil in horror was just...it was cool, you know? I mean, I may not be able to get Simon to 'agree', but at least he understands. Well it's Jamie fucking Cross! It would pretty hard for him NOT to understand! I wonder if, like, we hung out more often...if I could really...like...talk to him about stuff. Stuff like boys, and liking my best friend Sam, and maybe even this Bobby and Brandon situation. Simon's smart, he might actually be able to give me some perspective on things that I can't see myself, for a change.
It's not something that I really want to jump into right away, but...I'd love to have a friend that knows I'm gay, and isn't my current boyfriend (or 'trying' to be).
Which reminds me of one last thing. Jimmy told me that his friend Stacy had a dream about me last night. Like...a 'sex' dream. I think he knows that I'm not interested in her like that, so he gave me a heads up in case I wanted to duck her in the halls. But he also asked me if I had heard anything from Lee lately. It was...odd. I didn't expect him to 'care' after all that he said about not wanting to speak to him any more. When I asked him about it...he just kinda looked up at the ceiling for a moment and said, "I just....miss him, that's all. I miss everything about him."
Shit, my mom wants me to eat dinner. I've gotta run. Although I really don't want to talk to her right now. There's something about her purposely starting a fight with my dad that just rubbed me the wrong way. I'm sure a part of this whole divorce garbage is HER fault too, and that's getting easier to see now that she's just being a jerk. Adults and animals...can't work with either of them. Too unpredictable.
See ya soon.