Wednesday

- So...I saw Brandon talking to some...'guy' today.

....................

It was just outside of the library. I'm sure he saw me at some point, but he pretended not to.

I don't know. Maybe they were just talking, you know? I mean, I'm sure he talks to boys all the time just to say hello or whatever. So, I don't really know if that really meant anything. It was just some guy with short blond hair. He looked like he might have been a Junior or something. I don't know for sure.

It was probably the most harmless thing in the world, but I feel really gutted about it. I would have wiped it from my memory completely if I didn't want to add that little tidbit to the last remaining pages of this journal. What I don't understand is why he's so mad at me. Is he really just going to skip over me and just move on to the next guy without even giving me a try? Does he really want me gone for good?

I thought about what Randall told me in the mall...and it still rang true. There was a hole in me. An empty space. And it's been vacant since my first true love took his joy away from me. Again....the scariest thing in the world is thinking that you've got ONE special person in your life that is everything you could ever dream they would be. And if you screw that up...sighhhh...

.....whatever.

I feel like I'm want to cry, but I'm not going to. I refuse. Not over him. Not anymore. If he wants to find somebody else...then let him. The sooner he's officially off my radar, the better.

I just wish I didn't have to look at it. That's all.

I'm not going to talk about him anymore today. I'll just move on....

Bobby and Ian seem to be doing great things. I talked to Bobby for a short time today, and he's like, "I just wish we could find more time for us to be...you know...'alone'." It struck me as odd, because Bobby usually had enough space and privacy to have a boy over to his house whenever he wanted to in the past. He had me over.

I asked him, "What do you mean? I thought you had the house to yourself after school."

Bobby was like, "Well...I do. But..." He gave me a weird look. "Ian and I just haven't made any 'plans' or anything yet. I mean, I want to, but...I dunno..."

I'm like, "You don't know what?"

He cringed a little bit as a rosy blush appeared in his cheeks. He says, "I keep trying to sort of hint at it, but Ian hasn't really said anything. So, I did what I could to make it really clear that I was interested in him coming over. I don't think he got the hint."

I chuckled like, "What the heck are you giving him 'hints' for? He's your boyfriend. Just ask him to come over."

He's like, "How did I know you were going to say that?"

I tell him, "Because it makes sense. That's why. What are you being so timid about?"

He says to me, "Well...I've been hanging out and stuff with Ian, like, forever now. But we've only been dating for, like...a week. I mean, is it gonna sound a bit eager of me to have him coming over to my house already?"

I said, "No way. I say go for it. It's not like you guys have to do anything naughty, right?"

Bobby grins, like, "Um...wrong. We have to. We really really have to! Hehehe! I just need to find an easy way to get him over there without making it look like a trap or something." So, Bobby's looking at me, and he says, "I would really really love for him to come over. If only...he knew that. You know...without me having to say it."

I don't know how Ian is at catching hints, but I definitely know one when I see it. Instantly, I'm like, "No. No way. Unh unh."

Bobby's like, "C'mon, Billy! Just a little whisper. That's all it'll take."

I told him, "NO! Dude, I am not going to help you 'conspire' against your new boyfriend. Are you crazy?"

Bobby's all like, "It will sound better having you randomly suggest it. If I tell him, it's gonna sound slutty."

I said, "So? Maybe Ian LIKES slutty." Has Bobby Jinette ever seriously taken a look at his plump and juicy ass in the mirror??? What in the world makes him think that Ian would charge over there and sink, balls deep, in that butt if Bobby so much as winked at him? I said, "Sorry, dude. You're on your own with this one."

Bobby's like, "Aww, you suck."

I said, "HEY! Hehehe!"

Buy Bobby just smiled as I gave him a gentle shove. He says, "I'll think of something. I need that boy in a bad way. Hehehe! I wanted him before, but all these smiles and touching and kissing and holding hands...it's driving me crazy. I'm so close, you know?"

I said, "I'm sure your devious little brain will come up with something. Hehehe!"

But then...while Bobby and I were smiling at each other and enjoying a joke or too...I see Brandon walking around the corner. And everything good in my life collapsed around me again.

He walked right past us. I know he saw. And he didn't seem hurt or disgusted or anything. But he saw. And he didn't say a word. I wish I could say that I couldn't have cared less...but that wouldn't be the truth. Why did he have to walk down that particular hall at that particular moment? WHY? Now I look like a jackass all over again.

I noticed that Bobby Jinette's smile faded instantly. He lowered his head, and wasn't able to look me in the eye. He certainly wasn't able to look Brandon in the eye. We were silent for a moment. Neither one of us knew what to think or what to say. It was just this awkward silence full of shame and regret that I could have done without today.

Bobby started to say, "Billy....I'm so...so very..."

He sounded like he was going to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it. I'm like, "You know what? I've really got to get going. Hey, best of luck to you and Ian. K?" I wasn't mad at him, I just didn't want to think about the whole affair to begin with. It would just be humiliating for either one of us to bring it up at this point. I started to walk away and I felt this subtle little lump in the back of my throat as I looked Bobby in the eye and whimpered, "...Congratulations. You guys....you guys seem really happy together." And I left.

It hurt to say. I can admit that. And deep down, I really do wish them the best.

Even deeper down...I wish it was me.

I only saw Jimmy LaPlane at school for a few quick seconds at school today, but I had a quick idea and I asked him if he wanted to hang out or something after school. I think that I originally did it so that I could have somebody to talk to about...whatever it was that I was feeling in the pit of my stomach. Jimmy is one of the only people that I could really discuss gay things with. Well...there's Sam. But I always feel like he's fighting the urge to frown his face up when I talk about other boys. Anyway, I was thinking that I could maybe get it all off of my chest and unburden myself for a bit. But when I saw Jimmy after school, he seemed like he was in such a happy sunshine mood...I felt selfish about weighing him down with it. So I took 'Option B' and just decided to spend some time with him and let his warm smile cheer me up for a while. Who wants to wallow in problems, anyway?

What's funny is, I don't know if Jimmy thought I was going to forget about us hanging out...or if he thought that I was just messing with his head from the very beginning. But his whole face lit up when he saw me walk up to his locker and ask if he was ready to go. Hehehe, I almost thought he'd wet himself like an overzealous puppy getting a tickle in the ribs. He was practically skipping at my side the whole way. And he didn't even know where he was going yet. Not until the very last minute. A neat little trick that I learned from Trace. :)

Finally, we entered the park, and I said, "Here we are. This, my friend...is the Hill."

I didn't think Jimmy would have any idea what I was talking about, but instead, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped in shock. It confused me at first. It was just a mound of grass covered dirt with a tree at the top. But that's when Jimmy said, "Omigod! Oh wow! Sam told me about this place. I mean...he told me how much it means to you guys...and he....oh wow..." His voice was almost trembling at this point. I had forgotten that they kind of entertained a brief friendship of sorts at one point. Seems like forever ago when I think about it now. I didn't figure that Sam would talk much about the Hill. But after all the conflicts those two had in Junior High, it was a massive surprise that they were spending any 'civil' time together at all.

When we climbed to the top of the mound and I asked him to sit down next to me under the tree...you would have thought that I had just given him top clearance to get into Area 51! I mean, he was really amazed that I would even bring him here. But that was a good thing, I guess. It was about time that he saw it anyway. Whether he believe it or not, he was more than worthy. He's been a good enough friend to me to deserve a spot. Even when times were bad, we got through it. I think I undervalued our connection until we started hanging out more.

We talked. We laughed. And for about a half hour, he really did help to take the pain away. I was thankful for that. And I was able to beat the blues without having to drag his emotions, or mine, through the mud. It was just a good time.

You want to know what was strange? I let it enter my mind that Jimmy was actually really cute. Well....he was always cute. I was just looking at him today in the soft afternoon light, and I thought back to that first kiss in his bedroom. It was kinda cool, you know? I could almost taste his lips on mine again. Hehehe! I should stop. This is how I ended up with that naughty dream about us in the first place.

I kept thinking that Jimmy would be really cool to have as a boyfriend. I mean, he's cute, he's funny, he's cool to be around, and we can talk about almost anything. Not to mention that he really likes me already, and has for a long time. I wonder what sex with him would really be like. I have no idea. I'll bet AJ does though. According to him...Jimmy is a seriously 'fun' time.

And yet...as much as I tried to force it, as much as I tried to change my perspective on Jimmy completely and think about us having actual feelings for each other...it just wasn't working. I mean...it should have, right? All the elements were there. I couldn't even say that about the time I spent with Bobby Jinette. Jimmy and I are much closer and share more in common. But...something is missing. The craving isn't there. Which was weird. Because I felt like I would rather be hurt by Brandon than worshipped by the boy right in front of me.

Sometimes, I don't understand 'me' at all.

Anyway, Jimmy and I stayed out there until it started to get dark. And I didn't bring up Brandon or this 'blond guy' once. Maybe I didn't need to talk about it as much as I thought. Who knows? But as we got up and got ready to go home, Jimmy and I looked at each other for a moment....and...I dunno....

It was cool. It just felt....cool.

Maybe it was just my emotions trying to balance themselves out again. Maybe being hurt made me think of 'using' Jimmy to feel good. Maybe Bobby and Ian being so happy made me crave the same thing. Or maybe, there's something between me and Jimmy that hasn't been discovered yet. I can't really tell. I mean, I had an awesome time with Sam when he was open to the idea, and we've been like brothers since we were little. So why not Jimmy? What's missing, dammit??? I should be jumping his bones already. Even Simon got my blood boiling on occasion! But never Jimmy.

I need to look into this some more. Because I must be a complete idiot for not hooking up with him and trying, again, to build something worthwhile.

This could be it. This could be my second chance. Brandon's proven to me that he's obviously not interested anymore...so, maybe I should try something different. Something that works. Ugh! I get so confused sometimes!

At any rate, I've gotta go. It's late. My mom has already told me to go to bed twice now, and I'm sure I'm due for another warning from the warden in the next few minutes.

I'll write more later! Take care!

- Billy