Between The Lines

It was an unsettling feeling. A nauseous feeling. It stayed with me for hours. I was afraid to even eat anything from the convenience store for fear that it would come back up before I even got it down. I had no idea how to actually 'break up' with someone that I had been with for this long. I mean...I remember that weird period in my life around the 6th grade where everybody kinda 'switches best friends' and starts eating at different lunch tables and stuff. But that was different. That was sort of a mutual growing apart from the little kids you grew up with. It wasn't much of anything that I had to think about, or structure...or even 'schedule', for that matter. It just sorta....happened. But this time, I wasn't so lucky. This time, I was going to have to buckle up and find the words to say what I needed to say...and tell him that I've found somebody else. And that was gonna be really hard. I couldn't just hide from the confrontation forever. Not if I really wanted to be happy and make a real go at this. Devon was right there, trying his best to love and care for me...and as Chris pulled further and further away from me, not paying attention or working to give me any reasons to make him my number one....ugh, I hate to say this...but Chris was quickly becoming...old news.

Maybe it's just an emotional defense mechanism or something, maybe it was a weird rebound thing, who knows? All I know is Devon was going out of his way to make a major impact on me, and Chris was more concerned with ballgames and beer at the moment to keep from dropping the ball on that one. It made for a much easier choice between the two. Believe me.

I wish I had a clue as to what to say to him. What if it really turns out badly? I mean, what if he bursts out into tears or something? Chris has never been the type to really do that, but what if he does? Or...what if he gets super angry and decides to kick my ass? Or wants to get revenge and 'outs' me to the whole college campus? Things could go really really wrong here. To be honest, the idea of it terrified me.

And yet it didn't matter as much as being free from him once and or all. The sooner I did it, the sooner I can start to feel better about it. He's not gonna miss me. Why would he? He doesn't like me, he barely talks to me, he doesn't read my writing, we only have sex when he feels like it, we don't even have fun together anymore like we used to. For all I know, he's been trying to find a way to break up with me for ages now. And if that's the case, then this will be a lot easier.

My mind toggled back and forth between finding ways to do this tonight and finding ways to postpone it for one more day. Chris and I had some good times, you know? We really did. But he's never gonna change. And I don't think I wanna change either. I really do care about him, but I can't even cuddle with him without him cringing and wanting to put more distance between us. To go from that 'arm's length' affection to having Devon wanting to open himself up to me emotionally...fully exposing his heart and taking such an interest in mine without asking for anything in return...it's like discovering a whole new set of life changing possibilities in my life. The idea that someone can really complete me and love me the way I always fantasized somebody could...it's like nothing I've ever known before. But I can't move forward without closing the door on this relationship once and for all.

Sighhh....easier said than done.

My heart jumped with fear when I heard the door to our dorm room open that evening. It was suddenly SO hard to breathe. The boy I once loved, the one I gave myself to, heart, mind, body, and soul...might as well have been an armed gunman climbing in through the bedroom window that night. My muscles tensed up, and I fought to stand on shaky legs. I think I literally felt my testicles shrink as the dark act of saying goodbye loomed over me.

"Eli? You home?" He said, throwing his backpack down on the sofa.

I hesitated for a moment, but managed to muster up the courage to answer. "Yeah. Hey...." I mumbled.

I came out of the bedroom to see him walking past me. He gave me quick kiss on the cheek, and grabbed my ass momentarily. "I've gotta piss like a racehorse. Watch out, man." He moved around me and went to the bathroom. I remained standing there...a blank stare on my face. He's being somewhat sweet today. Sweet for him, anyway. For a moment, I thought about abandoning the break-up idea altogether. I thought about retreating from my feelings, and making the best of what I've got. I could do it. I could work harder at being happy with Chris and not have to lose him while taking a risk on something that I might fail at miserably. But when the door opened again, I attempted to stand my ground and find a way to start, what was sure to be, one of the most difficult discussions I've ever had in my life.

"You ok?" He asked me. "You look like you're zoning out on me tonight."

"I've...got a lot on my mind."

"Yeah, well, get it off your mind, because I've got good news for you." He grinned. "You know, there's this sweet little restaurant that Kyle told me about, serves awesome pizza and stuff. And it's on the way to his house for the party this weekend. Soooo...what do ya say? I figured we could stop by there, enjoy some food, and celebrate you finishing your 50h page of that story you were writing."

"Actually...it was the 100th page. And it's almost double that size now." I said softly.

"Yeah? Well, whatever. We'll have about an hour to get some food in us, then we can hit the party and stay the night. It'll be awesome." He kissed me again, and went to the fridge to get the last can of beer he had. "It'll be full of hot guys, you know? I think he's getting some cheap kind of domestic beer, but you know....keggers can't be choosers. As long as I get fucked up this weekend."

I started to walk away from the kitchen, my heart beating fast as the moment of confrontation began to build up in my chest. I swear, I could feel the pulse in the back of my throat. I nearly aborted the mission, but when I heard him open that beer...something in me told me that this just wasn't something I wanted to deal with anymore. I stopped in the doorway to the bed room and turned around. I walked back towards the kitchen....then paced back towards the bedroom. Just a few steps in either direction. I was shaking...but I did an about-face...holding on to the wall to keep my balance, and I stood just outside of Chris' view by the kitchen entrance. "Chris...I uhhh...I think we need to...talk."

"Talk about what?" He said, not really sounding like he cared one way or another. He was probably half tuning me out anyway, like he usually does.

"I just...um...I think..." My mouth went dry. It was already harder than I thought it would be, and I hadn't even said the words out loud yet. "Chris..."

"Ahhh, shit. Is this really the last beer?" He said, and closed the fridge. "You know what, Eli? Hold that thought, I'm gonna run out and get some more before the Bulls game comes on. I've got just enough time to make it to the store and back."

"No wait, this is kinda...important, ok?" I told him, trying to hold myself steady while trembling in my own skin.

"So is this. I'll be back in 20 minutes. 25 tops, k?" He kissed me on the cheek again, and grabbed his keys. Did he even think about what it might be that I'm trying to tell him? Did he notice the concern on my face? Or was the alcohol simply more important? "You want anything from the store?"

I sighed to myself. "Um...no, babe. That's ok."

He wrinkled up his forehead. "Gay. Remember?" He said.

"Sorry. Yeah, I remember." No pet names. How could I forget? Chris walked out of the door without even looking back...and I was left standing there alone. He didn't even realize that I was hurting. That I was anxious, or confused, or trying to just...'connect' with him. He just...left. And you wanna know something...even though I felt this sinking hole in my feelings...I couldn't find a single reason to miss him anymore.

I thought about Devon...just a few floors below me...and I wondered if he was thinking about me. I wondered if he knew how I truly felt, or if our whole connection was just as much of a useless fantasy as my current relationship. If I couldn't force Chris to care about me...how was I gonna get a beauty like Devon to pay me any attention? I played it over and over in my head, but something about Devon's love just felt 'right'. Worthy of the risk. It felt warm, and safe, and 'comfortable'. And while the mere concept familiarity wanted me to hold on to Chris with all that I had to give...I knew that there was simply someone out there better suited for me. A better fit for the confusing puzzle that was my emotional, utterly irrational, life.

I waited for the first fifteen minutes for Chris to get back...but I was fidgeting and tapping my fingers and my foot until my body was almost sore from it. The closer it got to the time that Chris might actually walk back through that door again...the more of an emotional wreck I became. It was like the countdown to judgement day for me. And I think I was on the very edge of hyperventilating from a full blown panic attack. I tried to force myself to sit there in front of the television and wait for him to get home...but when I saw the beginning of the Bulls' game start up on the screen, I knew he'd be racing back to watch it. I....I just...I couldn't TAKE anymore!

I took the coward's way out. Damn me for doing it...but if I had wound myself up any tighter I would have snapped like a rubber band stretched to capacity. I grabbed a few pens and my old ratty notebook, and I got dressed to go out to the park. I made sure not to be there when he got back. Not that I wanted to sit there and watch sports with him anyway. I even made sure to take the back stairs, so as not to run into him by the elevators. I know...I know...I'm just avoiding the inevitable. But at the moment, I was desperately trying to convince myself that I needed just a LITTLE more time to get my thoughts together so this break-up could go smoothly, without too many complications.

It's funny how the mind can try to work things out when you're scared shitless of confrontation.

My nerves didn't begin to relax until I got at least three or four blocks away from the dorms. Only then, did I stop worrying about maybe crossing his path by accident. Why was this so difficult? WHY??? Maybe because I'm afraid to let go of a good thing. Or....at least a satisfactory thing. MILDLY satisfactory.

Ugh! This is STUPID!!! All of my STUFF is there! I'm gonna HAVE to go back eventually! It's not like I can just run away from home like a rebellious teenager having a fight with 'Daddy'. I've gotta FACE this. I've gotta make this right and take charge of my life. It's time I be a man and go after what I really want. So....so yeah. YEAH! Um...why am I not turning around and heading back to my dorm room?

Because I'm big ol' chicken...that's why.

I went out towards the lake instead...and when I found a quiet and secluded spot near a light that I could use to read...I dusted off a spot on the concrete, and sat cross-legged to relax and get my thoughts together. It was mostly just 'thinking' at first. Then it was all emotion and confusion. And after that, when my mind just throbbed and ached from the pressure I was putting on it, I opened my ratty old notebook and reached for a pen. Writing was my therapy. Both my escape, and my roadmap back home. I began to let my most private and personal thoughts spill out onto the page...my hand trying valiantly to keep up with the rapid fire wisdom of my own consciousness. But while the inspiration was there, translating my fact into the story's fiction...I found myself going in circles. I wanted so badly to find an actual 'answer' in all of my ramblings. I was hoping that explaining it and writing it out on the page would somehow give me enough insight into my own heart to give me a certain level of objectivity. A 'bird's eye view' of the problems I was going through. But no. All I got was more fear, more tension, more questions. No matter how deep I went to search my soul for an answer...I just couldn't find it.

Only Devon had the answer. He was the missing link between my bliss and my bewilderment. I feel really guilty about finding comfort in that...but I did.

Sighhh....Devon. My Devon.

I wrote my HEART out into that notebook. It was like I couldn't stop. My brain was working so fast that I started keeping notes in the margins for things that I couldn't get to just yet and didn't want to forget. My whole story had been transformed from this sterile, fictional, love fantasy...to a seriously personal and heartfelt expression of my very being. It was as if Devon had somehow worked himself into the story itself and had become the sole reason for its existence. The more I looked at how the chapters had progressed from the beginning until now...it became clear to me that his influence was evident in every last word. Devon had bent and twisted the whole overall theme of my story to match his lovable personality. The whole of my writing had become a reflection of what I felt for him, and every poetic sentence had wrapped itself around the uncontrollable feelings of love and affection that he had 'infected' me with from the very first day that I met him, face to face.

This entire story was becoming a fairy tale about 'us'....wasn't it? I should have known.

God...I'm soooooo in love. I can't HELP it! I want to be more careful and take my time to weigh my options before getting into another potentially bad situation, but my heart just isn't mineanymore. It's his. He owns it. I just wish his sweetness wasn't pulling on it soooo hard right now.

I stayed out there all night. Hours and hours of personal time whisked by me without even being noticed. I came home, and naturally, Chris was already passed out for the night. I thought about climbing into bed next to him...but I just couldn't. I stood there, listening to him snore, the smell of beer on his breath...and that once beautiful vision I had of him in my mind was gone. Instead, it looked more like a one night stand that had lasted many more nights than it was supposed to. I felt my eyes tear up slightly, grabbed a blanket from the closet, and went to sleep on the couch instead. I don't think I can do this anymore. Something in me has changed, and the person I was isn't around anymore. I've found something more to my liking. And I just don't want to 'settle' anymore.

The next day, Chris had gotten up early for class. I was still covered up on the couch at the time. He was making so much racket. Some people are really inconsiderate when it comes to clearly seeing that someone is sleeping. I mean he couldn't have been a little more quiet. But despite the noise...I kept my head covered and pretended to be asleep. Just so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I could do without the conflict this early in the morning.

I was glad when he finally left, and after hopping in the shower, I spent the next hour or so just moping around the house. Thinking thinking thinking....always thinking. I was driving myself crazy. So I grabbed my notes from the night before and decided to go to the computer lab so I could at least keep my brain busy with something constructive. I'll go completely insane if I just stay here bored and lonely all day.

I remember walking into the lab, digging around in my backpack as I headed for my usual spot by the window...and then catching sight of that shiny blond mop of hair as it caught every golden ray of sunshine that glided through it. It's so strange to see someone so beautiful that it actually drives you physically crazy. My breath got caught in my throat, and when Devon turned those hazel eyes in my direction, now greenish in color from the light...I was helpless to pull away. "Hey..." I said softly.

Devon blushed a little. "Hi..." He saw me come closer and smiled. "Looks like I took your spot again."

"Yeah. You did." There was a silence between us. A tension. A weird little pause that seemed to last forever as I took the computer next to him and sat down. We exchanged a few looks back and forth, giggled once or twice, but didn't really know what to say to one another. Arrrgh! Why is it just as hard to start a new relationship as it is to end an old one? How did I get stuck in the middle here? "Adding on to your story?" He asked me, and I realized that I had been blankly staring at him without speaking.

"Oh...yeah. I'm getting really close to the end now, so..."

"Really? That's cool." Look at his smile. It's breathtaking. "So...is there a happy ending in there for good old 'Roger'?"

"You remembered my character's name..." I don't think I meant to say that out loud.

"Are you kidding? I can practically recite the first ten pages from memory. I really did like it, you know?"

"Yeah...." My head was swimming. It was really hard to focus at that moment.

"Sooo...? Happy ending?"

"Yeah, I'd like to think so." I told him. "Probably."

"Cool." Devon said, and his long blond locks hid his eyes from me as he looked back at his computer screen. Something inside told me to kiss him right then and there, but I was luckily able to control myself. Devon didn't seem to be completely concentrated on typing either, but he didn't look back at me. He just tried to...'pretend', I guess. An awkward silence fell over us both, and I began to wonder if maybe I had made a serious mistake in thinking he felt the same way about me.

I took out my lucky notebook and just started typing my notes out on the screen...but the longer we sat side by side in silence...the more that dull ache in the center of my heart began to swell into full blown agony. I could hardly type out more than a sentence or two without stopping and distracting myself with that fascinating pinch of heartbreak. Why won't he say something? What did I do? Didn't I kiss him? Didn't he kiss me back? Did it happen? Say something, dammit! SAY SOMETHING BEFORE I LOSE WHAT'S LEFT OF MY SANITY!!!

"Eli?" Thank GOD!

"Yes?" I snapped back.

"Does this feel weird?"

Great...he says something, and now I don't know how to respond. "Does what feel weird?"

"This. You and me. I mean...we're still cool, right? After...after yesterday."

Oh my God, he's so cute when he's being shy. "YES! Yes, we're totally cool!" I smiled so wide that I was afraid I was going to have a spontaneous outburst right there in the computer lab. I let out a huge sigh of relief. "Jesus, I thought I had screwed up everything forever and that you were never gonna speak to me again."

"Hehehe, we haven't even talked since yesterday. It would be pretty hard for you to do that."

"Yeah...but still...I've been a nervous wreck ever since." I said, my heart repairing itself as fast as it could and getting back in 'love mode'.

"Me too." Devon said, biting the corner of his bottom lip. "And I kinda like it." Then he rolled his eyes with a grin. "Aw man, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."

"No, no, no, it's alright. It's ok."

"No, really...I just...I still feel like I'm doing something so wrong..." "But you're NOT!" I said, now turning my chair to face him, and look into those beautiful eyes from an angle that he couldn't hide from. "Devon...I know that you didn't really count on this happening, and neither did I...but it happened. And I'm not sorry about it. I don't regret a single moment that I've spent with you. Only the moments I spent without you. I feel something so real for you, and it won't go away." I touched his hand. "I don't want it to go away."

Devon just looked down at his keyboard. Almost as if he was ashamed. Then, with a bit of a shaky voice, he said, "You know...I can't stop thinking about you. I try, but...it's pretty pointless."

"Then don't stop. Don't ever stop. I wanna stay on your mind all day. Every minute. The same way you stay on mine." I had to hold my emotional gates closed with both hands, because the love was threatening to burst forth and wash us both out to sea. We had to go. We had to get out of here. There was so much that I wanted to tell him, and doing it here in the computer lab wasn't gonna do it for me. "Do you wanna go somewhere? Maybe go for lunch or coffee or something?"

"What, right now?" He asked.

"Yeah, right now. C'mon. I wanna talk for a while."

Devon grinned bashfully. "Umm...alright. Let's go." We shared a giggle, and he gave me a playful shove. "Don't get so goofy. Hehehe, it's not like we're flying to Paris or anything." He's adorable. SO adorable. "You mind if we stop by my dorm room? I've gotta grab some cash. We can drop our stuff off too."

"I'd follow you just about anywhere at this point." I said, and found myself pulling back from wanting to kiss those sweet lips again. If only I could have a taste. Just a taste.

We saved our work and logged out. There it is again. That almost painful flutter in my chest. Telling me that this is what it feels like...to 'know for sure'.

We walked back to the dorm, and for a brief moment I thought about the possibility of running into Chris again. Which would be even worse if Devon was with me. But there was also another part of me that almost wanted it to happen. To get it over with. To start over fresh without having to worry about it anymore. Such a weird collection of conflicting emotions. And yet, just having Devon at my side made it fun. We made it to his room just as his roommate was walking out. "Sup, Dev?"

"Hey. What's going on?"

"Nothing. I was just going to work. You got your key?"

"Yep. Right here." Devon said, holding it up.

"Cool beans. I'll see you later on tonight." And he rushed off as we walked inside. His room was identical to mine in build, but the decorations were different.

"Hey, you've gotta sign the wall." Devon smiled as he went into his room to grab his stuff.

"The wall?" He pointed to the far wall by the kitchen, and there was a large piece of paper that was about four or five feet long, covered in signatures in many different kinds of ink.

"Every new person that comes into the room, has to sign the wall. That's the rule."

"Can I sign next to yours?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way." He came back into the room with just a white t-shirt on. I didn't now he had pulled off his other shirt. I was damn sorry that I had missed that. He must have ruffled up his blond hair when he slipped it up over his head, but it was cute...looking all 'disorderly' and stuff.

"Where's your name on here?" I asked, getting my pen ready.

Devon moved close to me, searching through the names with his finger. He was right there...close enough for me to touch. All I'd have to do is lean forward a few inches and I'd practically be kissing the side of his neck. Right there above his cute little hemp necklace. He has a beauty mark on his neck. Just below his jaw. I liked it. God, he smells good. What is that? It's not a fragrance that you can buy. It's just this really sweet smell. Like clean puppy breath. Hehehe, did I really just think that?

"Riiiiiight...here..." Devon found it, and he caught me staring as he looked back into my eyes. We both stopped for a second...and just a split second before the moment was lost, I jerked forward and kissed him on the lips. I had been hungering for this moment for so long that when I finally got to embrace his slim hips and hold him still I nearly lost all control of myself.

It caught him by surprise, but he quickly gave into it, and he melted in my arms. It was quite possibly the closest thing that I've ever had to a religious experience. A standing full body orgasm for the senses. I felt like I was floating on air, and the feeling got more and more intense by the second. I gave into it. I gave my whole heart over to the sensation, and opened my soul without caution or worry of any kind. It was magic. Pure magic.

Our tongues slowly connected between our lips, and we both whimpered from the sensation. It was sooooo good. I don't think I've ever been kissed like this. Never. It was so soft. So gentle. And yet so passionate that I could feel it in my toes. Devon's kiss had his personality woven into the feel of it. He communicated such warmth and love by the motion of his lips alone. Hardly the lustful kisses that I got from Chris whenever he had an erection to be taken care of. No....Devon's kiss was different. Devon was an artist.

I heard him moan a bit as he pulled away from me, and the second our lips parted, I missed him. "What? What's the matter?"

He hesitated for a second. "We...we shouldn't."

"Sighhhh..." My heart was still beating hard. My 'tent' was still throbbing. But I said, "You still feel bad, don't you?"

"Maybe a little." He said. "It's not that I don't want to, I just..."

"Yeah. I know. I'm gonna take care of that issue. Hopefully tonight." If my courage holds out.

Devon sat down on the couch, and ran his hands through his hair, pushing it delicately behind his ears. So I did my duty and signed my name directly under his, and walked over to join him. "Eli, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah."

"What happened? I mean...with you and Chris? Were you...'happy'?"

"You know, if you had asked me that six weeks ago, I would have said yes."

"And now?"

I paused. Trying to get my thoughts together so that I could put it in a way that made sense. "I don't know." I said. "I mean...deep down, there was always a part of me that felt like I wasn't doing enough to make things work. I kept wondering...what did I do? What didn't I do? Why doesn't he love me? Why won't he talk to me? I thought there was something wrong with me, and I kept trying to do everything I could to be a better boyfriend for him. But I just...I don't know. It was like...I was only allowed to love him so much before he started pushing me away. There was this 'limitation' that I couldn't get around. I could sleep with him but he didn't want to be cuddled. I could say I love you, but if I used a cute little pet name, it was like I screwed up. The more I wanted to know about him the more he kept me at arm's length. I was starting to believe that Chris was the blueprint for how relationships were supposed to go."

"What happened?"

"You happened." I said. "I've never been so free. Where I hit brick wall after brick wall with Chris...with you I feel like I can give you an infinite amount of love and you'd never push me away. I feel like you take a true interest in me and my writing and my sense of humor...we can talk for hours and I still miss you when we have to say goodbye. You remember things about me that Chris doesn't even pay attention to. You make me feel like I matter to you soooo much just by the things you say and the time you spend with me. You're more than what I thought love could ever be. Not in any 'real' sense." I looked Devon in the eyes, and said, "You're my fairy tale, Devon. You're the one thing that let's me know that a hopeless romantic isn't so hopeless after all."

I was hoping that he would be flattered by my true confession. But instead, he looked slightly disturbed. I heard him sniffle and he wiped his eyes, keeping his head down and looking at his shoes.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "Dude, talk to me."

He sniffled again, and his leg bounced a few times with a nervous shiver. "I'm not perfect, Eli. You know that, right? I mean...I can't...I can't promise you that I'll be...'better', or whatever..."

"You don't have to be perfect. Not at all."

"I'm just as screwed up as everybody else on the planet. I can't ask you to leave your boyfriend for me. I mean...why me? What if you throw everything away just for me...and I end up being a big disappointment or something?"

"You won't. You're already beyond that now."

"There's a bunch that you may not know about me. What if you find some kind of...'flaw' or something and we..."

"There's nothing wrong with you. Devon, omigod, it's laughable that you would even think that something like that would matter." I saw a tear slip from his eye, and he looked in the other direction as he wiped it away. "Dude...everything about you makes me feel good. Literally, everything. And if later down the road something about you turns out to not excite me...it still won't matter. Not more than the love I feel in my heart for you. I think you're beautiful. I want to be a part of this story. You and me. Right here, right now. You have to believe me."

Devon gave me a teary smile for a moment, but then it faded. "If I told you something...something that might make you think that I'm not such a great person after all...would you be upset?"

"I'm not going to get upset. I swear."

Another tear left Devon's eye as he inhaled deeply. "The night that we...that we went back to your dorm room upstairs...you know, the party?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well...you left, and you said you'd be right back. Then you kinda disappeared..." He said. I was waiting for him to go on, but he peeked at me from under his blond locks and then looked away again. "...Chris kinda...he made a pass at me. A pretty obvious one."

The blow didn't really hit me all at once. It was a slow build, like a lit match catching small pieces of kindling wood on fire, getting brighter and hotter as the blaze continued to burn everything connected to it. "He did what? Chris? My Chris?"

"I swear, Eli...I didn't do anything to provoke him. He just...he came on to me. And I told him no thanks and that I was there with somebody. And when I mentioned that it was you...well...he seemed even more 'interested'. Like....maybe...all three of us would..."

"Wait, wait...are you sure you got this right?" I said, the fire still burning hotter as I stood up from the couch.

"Eli, I'm so sorry!"

"What are YOU sorry about? You didn't do anything wrong!"

"Don't be mad. Please. I didn't accept any of his advances, I just...I tried to ignore him." Devon wiped away another tear. "That's kinda...how I found out that you had a boyfriend. I thought maybe you got mad at me and left the party on purpose. I went looking for you, and you were sitting outside on the sidewalk...I wasn't sure if you were gonna talk to me or totally reject me for...trying to get your boyfriend to cheat or something..."

"That son of a bitch..." I whispered through gritted teeth.

"Things were crazy that night...he was intoxicated..."

"And that makes it alright???" I said. "If that's how he acts when he's drunk, then you wouldn't be the first boy that he's done that to. Because he's 'intoxicated' a lot." I couldn't believe this. I seriously felt like someone had pulled the floor right from under me. "God, Devon, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't wanna hurt you. And I felt really bad about it, especially once I saw your story about how happy the two boys were together and...I just figured that you were talking about you and Chris."

"Still, you should have said something."

"If I had...it would have been for the wrong reasons." He told me. "It would have been because I wanted you for myself. That's a shitty reason to break up somebody's relationship."

"Well you don't have to worry about that anymore. Believe me. Because there IS no relationship." I said, and I grabbed my things.

"Are you leaving?" He cried. I walked back over to the couch, and I kissed him on the lips.

"I love you." The words came so easy that it was practically an involuntary act. "I love you more than I can say. And I'm not mad. You're the greatest part of my life." I kissed him again. "I just have to take care of something. And I think it needs to be done sooner or later. K?" One more kiss. His lips are so addictive. "We'll go for that lunch date another time."

And with that, I left to go back upstairs and wait for my loving 'sweetheart' to get back home. All while packing some clothes and necessities. I don't plan to be spending one more night in this place.

I had been a complete IDIOT! Made a fool of! How humiliating is it to find out that I've been a sucker all along? In front of Devon, no less. Now that I was sitting on the couch, bubbling over with rage, I suddenly opened my eyes and looked at all the signs that I was overlooking before. The parties, the late night showers, the claims of going to Kyle's for a good time and talking about all the 'hot boys' that were going to be there...heh, I was so blind. I wanted things to work so bad that I let him walk all over me and stomp on my feelings without mercy. Well I'm not running anymore. I'm not hiding. And I'm not going to avoid this any longer.

I'm taking my heart back, and giving it to its rightful owner....