Tuesday - Okay, so things are SERIOUSLY pissing me off today!!! If I could punch a hole straight through the center of the Earth and blow the whole fucking WORLD up right now, I would!!!
And my dad pretty much screwed it up worse than anybody! You should have heard what he said to me? Like...I need to clean up may act or something! Like...like I need to do something with my life!
What the hell does *THAT* mean??? Oh, so my life is soooooooo fucking 'lackluster' right? I mean, I'm not doing ANYTHING with my fucking life whatsoever! Not EVER! Every single fucking DAY, I'm supposed to wake up, and have some kind of **HUGE** adventure, that ultimately alters the shape and structure of my ENTIRE life, right? I mean, I'm 14 years old, going to high school, and I just got dumped by my only REAL boyfriend (as far as I'm concerned). So where's the hard hitting drama? Huh? Where's the BIG surprise? The ultimate cliffhanger? The explosive action? Where's the BIG stupid twist that's going to take place EVERY single day of my life that's going to make this 'story' of mine worth reading someday? Is that what he's talking about? Does my dad want me to just turn into a robot and carve out some big future for myself by the end of the week? I don't even know what I wanna BE yet when I'm old enough. Funny, I thought I had some time to figure that out.
What could he POSSIBLY want from me??? I mean, maybe I'm just an average kid, who occasionally doesn't have anything 'interesting' to report to my pre-divorced 'parents'. Maybe I'm just a guy who goes to school, comes home, serves the remaining days of this exhausting punishment, and occasionally thinks about boys in my spare time. Maybe that's all I'm good for. And you know what? Maybe I don't give a flying fuck! Maybe that's just who I am..and I happen to LIKE it!
All I think about is pain these days. Pain I can't even tell him about. So why can't I just sit here and HURT for a while??? Can I just do THAT??? PLEASE?
Sorry, it's just...when my dad called and just....ARRRGH!!!...had the audacity to comment on my 'situation' as though he knew anything ABOUT it from waaaaay out wherever the hell he is...it just royally pissed me off. That's all. He wants me to spend time with him on Thursday. My FIRST day off of punishment...like I wanna spend it with HIM, you know? And then somewhere in the middle of everything, he just starts, like, 'criticizing' my fucking LIFE! Like...like I'm just not doing anything so 'special' with my existence and need to get a handle on things before I mess it up for good. Well, what the hell is HE doing with HIS life that's so damn special??? If I asked him to write down every single thing that happened to him in the last 3 or 4 days, I doubt that he could fill a single page of paper! I'd be surprised if he could write more than a few paragraphs before realizing how hard it is to 'come up' with shit to talk about. And HE'S not even on punishment! So who is he to judge me? He wanted to be out of my life and out of this family so bad...so why can't he just stay out of it then? He's never here, he almost NEVER has anything to say to me, unless it's negative. So fucking GET LOST already! Don't expect me to give a shit?
It all started when he said he wanted me to come over for dinner, and I asked him, "Is SHE gonna be there?" Is that NOT a legitimate question? So I ask, and he acts like I said the most blasphemous thing in the world. And I just had to kinda sit there and 'take' it while he talked down to me about my supposedly disappointing life. At least that's how I took it. I just didn't want to talk to anybody after that. Not that I had any other options outside of talking to my MOM, because I'm STILL on punishment!!! FUCK!!!
So...he kept asking, and I kept avoiding the question, until I finally said that I'd come over just to shut him up. Hopefully I can come up with a good excuse to blow him off between now and then. I just wish I didn't have to think about this stuff any more.
Anyway, so my 'sucky suck ass' day doesn't stop there at all...
I'm starting to think that maybe I was a little premature in telling Simon what happened between me and Brandon. Honestly, I think that Simon is more worried about this whole thing than I am. And you would think that it would be flattering, but it really isn't. Especially since he's kinda taken it upon himself to..um...help. I dunno...it's just..it's like he's taken this fucked up situation and turned it into some weird soap opera that he's so 'eager' to be a part of. Like I'm just another part of this brand new life of his as a boy of social status. Maybe I'm just being weird, who knows? But he's kinda 'dating' somebody right now...well, not REALLY...but they eat lunch together and talk on the phone. So, yeah...it's kinda like he's dating this girl. They just haven't made it official yet or anything. I wish I could get her to tell me what it's like to kiss him. I'm just curious, that's all.
Anyway, him having somebody new in his life is truly making it hard for me to whine to him about my problems. And when I do, I end up feeling like he's just eating it up for the simple reason that he never got to be involved in this kind of relationship stuff before. And I don't really want my misery to be used for his entertainment, you know?
I dunno, whatever. I guess he means well and all. I think it just bothers me when he's always asking me if I'm 'ok'. He asked me like SIX TIMES today! Always expecting me to, like, break down and cry on his shoulder or something. Psh..he would have LOVED that! It's an important part of the drama.
Why do people always ask you if you're ok? It's OBVIOUS that I'm not ok! I'm heartbroken as hell! But at the same time, it's also obvious that I'm 'ok' enough to not wanna drive a protractor needle right through my already bleeding heart! So what's the point in asking? I'm not dead yet, but I wouldn't mind if I was. I think that's the best answer to give in those situations.
Also, Sam is SERIOUSLY pushing this 'talk' thing on me right now. Today was even worse than yesterday, and he was basically on the verge of 'bullying' me into it! Which only made me want to avoid him that much more. The sad thing is, I KNOW that Joanna has something to do with this, because she always manages to skillfully 'slide' herself out of the picture whenever Sam and I start talking. She never did that before. Out of all the times that I just wished that she'd go the hell away and leave me and my best friend to talk in private, she picks NOW to suddenly want to give us our space. Something is wrong. I swear, even Sam is acting strange these days. He's doing all of those silly little things that he always does when he feels worried or guilty or nervous...and I can tell the signs from a mile away. The thing is, he wants me to just LEAVE school and go to the Hill to talk in the middle of the day, like it's 'ok' to do that. I keep telling him..."I'm already grounded, my mom is still kinda pissed about the party I had at the house, AND I'm stuck in detention until the end of the week...if I miss just ONE class and that school computer calls my house...I'm TOAST! My mom will probably ship me off to MILITARY school if I keep getting into mischief like this!"
Sam is all like, "Sighhh...damit, Billy..."
And I'm like, "WHAT??? What is so important that we have to run off to some 'remote location' to talk about it? Why can't you just talk to me right here?" But he wouldn't do it. He refused. But he was getting to be such a fucking 'baby' about it, that I told him I'd be off of punishment on Friday, and would go over with him after school. Again...I had to cave in to what somebody ELSE wanted from me! Fine! Whatever! Whatever it is, it'll give him a chance to just get it off his chest and leave me alone. For all I know, Joanna could be pregnant with his 'love child' and he wants me to be a godfather or something! I can never really tell with Sam. Especially since we've been...'away' from each other. We're not as close as we used to be. Who knows? Maybe we never will be. Never again.
I basically RAN past Jimmy today, to avoid talk of him and Alex going out for coffee and bagels after school today. The faster I walked, the faster he walked to keep up. I'm sorry, but I just HATE seeing him happy right now.
Brandon is...still mad at me. Outside of a few obsessive peeks at him through the crowd of kids in the hallways, we didn't make any contact. I almost bumped into him by mistake as I was going into the library and he was coming out. But he didn't even look in my direction. It's not that he didn't notice me...he just...purposely turned his head.
Ouch...you feel that? I think I just felt my heart impale itself on a rib or something.
And as for detention...I didn't even have Trace to keep me company today. Honestly, who has the guts to ditch detention? I swear, sometimes that boy just doesn't care about anything at all. So the entire time I was there, I was aching over trying to find a way to apologize to Bobby Jinette for how I treated him. Even after all this time, he still looks hurt and miserable over the things I said to him. And...after jumping on him last week...I doubt that he had much reason to forgive me. But I honestly TRIED to apologize to him today. I made sure to have my stuff packed up and ready when the detention hall let out. I made sure to catch Bobby at the door, and force him to look at me. I asked him if he'd talk to me, and he rolled his eyes and told me, "We don't have anything to talkabout, Billy. You made that perfectly clear."
I'm like, "Please, just for a second? Because...I feel terrible. And I want to apologize."
Which only seemed to hurt him even more, because he said, "Oh I see...you want to say you're sorry because YOU feel terrible? Is that right?"
Which is TOTALLY not what I meant! I'm like, "No...that's not it. I just..I know that I was wrong. And I know that you hate me now..."
But he interrupted me and said, "I don't hate you, Billy." Which kinda confused me at first, but then he said, "You hurt me. you hurt me a LOT, Billy. But I don't hate you, ok? I just...feel like it's less painful to be away from you than it is to be around you right now. Ok?" I don't know what that means really, but he turned to walk away from me after that Saying, "Thanks though. Seriously."
So yeah...I don't know...maybe I AM screwing up my whole life. Maybe I DID fall from being one of the most popular freshmen in school to the boy everybody loves to hate in the course of a single week. And maybe I'm completely CLUELESS about how to fix it! But what can I do? It's my life. And all I can do is live it one 24 hour day at a time...and hope that tomorrow is just a LITTLE bit better than yesterday.
At the end of all things...that's really all we can hope for, you know?
I've gotta go I'll write more tomorrow.