I love the fact that Brody is just...stunningly beautiful for no reason at all.
That he could easily use it as an unbeatable weapon to get whatever he wants in this world, but he maintains the humility to keep himself from doing so. And not through any level of struggle or anything he just...ugh! It's like he doesn't even know how heartbreakingly GORGEOUS he is! It's almost unfair to know that he wields this power over me and doesn't have enough of an ego to take advantage of it like he should, you know?
"Hehehe, what are you doing? Come in, already." He smiled.
I didn't even realize that I was still frozen in place outside of Adam's back door, lost in a heavily infatuated gaze while I tried to keep from falling all to pieces right in front of him like I desperately wanted to. "Heh...sorry. Yeah...I'm just...I'll...yeah..." I mumbled, and stepped inside to join him.
"Come on up! We've got another twenty minutes or so before we've gotta leave for school." He said.
"Uh huh...k..." I replied, and followed him through the kitchen and towards the stairs, briefly saying a bashful hello to Adam's mom as we passed her in the living room.
Do you really think that I could walk up a flight of steps behind Brody without having my eyes glued to the firm, shapely, globes of his teen boy ass? It's impossible. They're, like...perfect. I can't even look away from them when they're presented to me like this. If I could only be Brody for a day, I'd strip myself naked, and take as many cute and sexy ass pictures of myself in the mirror as my phone battery would allow, and then email them to myself so I could look at them whenever I was feeling horny. And...let's be honest...I'm always horny!
There's still a slightly muted voice in the back of mind that's constantly trying to convince me that I don't deserve this. Any of it. That I'm just some worthless 'pretty boy' who isn't good for anything more than taking out the garbage, cooking dinner for my mom, and being my father's punching bag whenever he felt the need to relieve some of his anger. It's a form of self hatred that I doubt anyone could really understand unless they've gone through it themselves. It's always there...whispering in my ear. Making me feel like some kind of 'trickster' whenever I get someone to admit that they care about me. Its not really something that I can get rid of. That voice is much quieter now than it used to be, but I'd be lying if I said that it was completely gone. Or that it would cease to be as soft as it is without Brody's bright eyes staring into mine...validating my very existence with the surprising shock of his boyish smile every time he sees me.
Oh God...I never thought that I would ever be worthy of being so in love...
We got to Adam's room, and Adam was still drying his hair from his shower...the scent of soap and shampoo still lingering in the air. I mean, Brody is still my number one love, by far...but how can I deny Adam's sensual appeal when I lay eyes on him just out of the shower? Hehehe, I'm not that strong. He's always going to be a hottie in my mind. No chance on that changing any time soon.
"What's up, dude?" Adam said, giving me a little hug, his damp hair smooshed up against my cheek.
"Hehehe...hey..." I felt a warm chill run through me at that moment, but not for the reasons that it usually would. It's difficult to explain it, but...like...Adam was being so 'normal' about seeing me again. I mean...he knows about my dad and the beatings...and he knows about me being gay, and me and Brody being boyfriends...but there was something in his friendly embrace that was so casual that it's nonchalant appeal caught me off guard, to be honest.
He wasn't worried about me. He didn't ask me if I needed help or if I was ok. I didn't feel like I had to rebuild the mask that I had always worn around my friends to prove to them that I wasn't suffering or some kind of pathetic charity case. I didn't have to be concerned about my pride or feel like I was being an emotional burden to him to just have me around. I mean...Adam just treated me like...plain ol' Zack. I think that was almost enough to have tears randomly well up in my eyes alone. Not that I'd ever let them know that. Because, fuck that.
I've still got a little bit of my macho bullshit left within me, thank you very much.
"I can't believe how much I miss you when you're not around. Hehehe!" Brody giggled, taking a hold of my hand and turning me to face him. My God, his eyes could bring sunshine to a cloudy day. They really could.
I know that I was blushing a little bit. I could feel the heat of it in my cheeks and forehead. A tiny lump forming in the back of my throat. Hehehe, but he was so cute in that moment, one of his little curls hanging down over his right eyebrow, that I found myself swooning with a sense of love and connection that truly swept me off of my feet. I knew that Adam was in the room with us, but I just...I couldn't help myself when I said, "I miss you a lot too, Brody. Heh..."
He reached up to gently caress my cheek, and then he leaned in to give me the sweetest lingering kiss on the lips, his thumb lightly stroking my cheek as he gazed into my eyes and whispered, "I love you..."
There's just something about Brody's shameless affection that continues to make me so reckless when it comes to having anyone else notice how enraptured we were with one another. Adam included...since he was, literally standing right there beside us while we were doing all of this. Hehehe, sorry, I tend to forget about the rest of the world when Brody looks at me like that.
"Annnnnd...on that note...I'm going to go downstairs to grab something to munch on." Adam said, a little embarrassed for watching us flirt in such an intimate way. "You two have fun." But then he peeked back around his bedroom door frame and said, "Not TOO much fun, though! Nobody fuckin' jizz on my pillow! That's be rude as fuck!"
"Get outta here!" Brody laughed, and so did Adam before going downstairs to give us some 'alone' time. Which, you know...was cool. "I take it you had a good morning?" He asked.
I didn't want to hesitate with my answer. "About as good as could be expected. Sure." Then he kissed me again on the lips. "Certain to be a lot better...now that you're here." I said.
It was such a foreign sensation to me. Being openly validated as a human being. To be made to believe that I actually had 'value' in the eyes of another person outside of my mom. I know that sounds sad, but it's true. All Brody needed from me was a reflection of the love that he felt for me...and that was it. Can you imagine what it's like for an abused child to feel that for the very first time? It's an overwhelming tidal wave of joy and relief...washing over and crashing through a wall of total disbelief and unfathomable sadness. It's a freedom that only the broken and oppressed will ever know. It's magical. It can only be compared to finding definitive proof of God in the flesh.
It makes me want to cry that I ever doubted that such an angel could exist in a world full of so much pain. Brody is my only escape from the horrors that are waiting for me at home. And you know what? I'll take it. Even if only for an hour or two a day...I'll take it.
Brody raised an eyebrow and smiled at me as he watched me stare at him with what was probably the goofiest look of boyish infatuation on my face. "Hehehe, are you ok with all this, or...?"
"OH! Yes! Hehehe, PLEASE, yes!" I said, jerking forward to kiss him on the lips again myself. "I just...I think this will take some getting used to. That's all."
That's when Brody lightly caressed the back of my ear, and smiled. "Cool. Well, let me help you get some practice then..." And he kissed me sooooo deeply that I felt weak in the knees. Seriously, I felt as though I was getting ready to fall to the floor if I didn't stop. But...I didn't WANT to stop! I don't think I could, even if I wanted to! Hehehe! Instead, I just let my tongue bashfully snake its way forward, gaining instant access to my new boyfriend's mouth as he reached out with his own tongue to accept my intrusion. I don't know what it is about sliding my tongue against his, but it is a mind-blowing experience that could only be disgraced and undermined by trying to put it into words. It was erotic. Sensual. Erotic. It forced me to close my eyes and simply hold him close...feeling him holding me close as well...and make out with him so fiercely that the sound of our sucking and smacking lips could be heard all over the room. Hard as a rock, I began to push myself against him, and Brody reached down to grab two handfuls of my ass to pull me into him...our teen erections now fighting for dominance as we lost all awareness of what we were doing and the world around us.
Had it not been for Adam coming back into his OWN bedroom and cringing at the sight of us possibly going too far from what he was willing to allow while he was out of the room...Brody and I might have gotten into something much more scandalous than a stand up, spontaneous, make out session like the one we were engaged in at the moment.
"JESUS! Come on, you guys! My friggin' Mom is downstairs, for crying out loud!" Adam said, putting his hand up to block his vision from the 'gross' display of two boys who were totally in love with one another.
"Hehehe, sorry..." Brody said. Blushing as he finally let me go.
"Yeah. It just kinda happened." I told him, blushing myself.
That's when I noticed Adam's eyes moving down a bit, and he saw both of us bulging with a duo of shameless erections from our intimate contact, and he cringed. "Ugh! Put those things away! What the hell, man? I was only gone for, like, a minute or two!"
"Can't help it." Brody said. "Hehehe, he's soooo cute! I can't even believe how cute Zack is!"
I had so much blood rushing up into my cheeks that it was hard to stay conscious. "I'm not. Stop it."
"You ARE!" He insisted, and kissed me on the cheek. "I love you."
I felt really self conscious, now that Ada was standing there watching us. So I just leaned away from Brody and grinned. "Ok. Thanks, I guess..."
"Thanks? You guess? Unh unh...that's not gonna cut it." Brody said, but I felt this huge block in my mentality that kept me from saying the words out loud in front of Adam. I mean, maybe you think it's weird, but give me a break...this is still really weird for me. And having one of the best friends that I've ever had in my life know about my love and attraction to other boys is a bit intimidating. So pardon me if this takes me some time for all of us to get used to this new dynamic in our combined relationships.
I hesitated. I really did. I looked at Adam, and I looked back at Brody, and then back at Adam. But...Brody's unconditional love for me, along with Adam's unwavering friendship over the years since we first met...had given me hope. Real HOPE! You know? So, building up some courage, and a tapping into a moment of vulnerability, I told Brody, "...I love you too."
"Omigod! You're too cute!" Brody said, and grabbed me on both sides of my face to kiss me again while we both tried to keep from giggling out loud.
Grinning to himself, Adam said, "Gee, I wish somebody loved ME in this equation! Way to make me feel left out of the party, you guys." He was teasing us, but as soon as we stopped kissing and reached out to kiss him instead, he practically ran away from us as though we were carrying the plague. "No no no no no! Forget I said anything! Keep it to yourselves! Gah! Get away! Hehehe!"
"You can get smooches from me any time you want 'em, Adam. That, I can promise you." I grinned.
Brody looked at me with those bright eyes of his, wide in surprise, and said, "Hey! Let's not get carried away here, buddy."
"What? He's kissable!"
"Oh, so he's kissable now?"
"No, he's always been kissable..."
Adam finally cut in and said, "Can you two, please, stop talking about kissing me? You're totally NOT kissing me!" Causing Brody and I giggled as he tried to shake off the cringe of it all. "Come on. Grab your stuff so we can get to school already. You ruined my video game mojo for this morning. Yuck..."
Brody kissed me on the cheek and grabbed his backpack so we could leave. Telling Adam, "I know you'd enjoy it." as he walked out of his bedroom.
I followed his lead by saying, "Whatever you do...don't imagine how hot it would be to have my tongue in your mouth! Hehehe!"
"OMIGOD!!! STOP!!!" He said with a shiver. "This is obviously going to take some getting used to. Geez..."
We all left the house together, and were only about a half block away from Adam's house before we heard Sam's squeaky voice hollering for us to wait up. He was running as fast as his little legs would allow, his short blond hair practically flying back in a straight line from the wind resistance, before he caught up to us and tried to catch his breath again. "Man...you guys left early today!" He said, huffing and puffing as his face turned red.
"When are your parents just gonna give up and be cool with you hanging out with us, Sam?" Adam asked.
"I dunno! They're stubborn!" He said with a frown. "It's all so dumb. They think you guys are gonna expose me to something weird or whatever. They don't know what they're talking about." Then he looked at me and Brody, and asked, "So, how is your gay relationship thing going?"
Hehehe, I was like, "How is it...going? Ummmm, ok, I guess?"
Brody and I exchanged a look and started snickering at one another under our breaths.
"Ah, ok. Cool. Very cool." Sam said. That boy could be so innocent sometimes. It was kind of adorable. Maybe his parents were right about us after all. With us being so 'weird' and all.
It's hard to even think that to myself without physically rolling my eyes.
We got to school, and I could already feel that invisible wall of secrecy being built up between me and Brody again. It was instantaneous. And I think he could feel it too, because as our eyes connected...just before the ring of the first period bell...it just looked like he missed me already. I never wanted to reach out and touch him, hold him, kiss him, more than I did at that very moment.
But, unfortunately...if there is a world where such a thing was possible without drawing attention and tempting a high level of hatred and judgement...we don't live in it.
"See ya later, Brody." I sighed.
He gave me a gentle smile, and softly responded with, "Definitely. I think its pizza day today. So...lunch?"
"I'm down." I told him.
"Me too! Pizza day ROCKS!!!" Sam said with a sudden outburst. Adam immediately gave him a light punch in the shoulder. "Owww! What the...what'd I say?"
Adam said, "Go to class! Jesus! See you guys in a few hours or whatever." Adam said, practically taking a hold of Sam's arm and dragging him away from us. We could overhear hi telling Sam, "What are you doing, dude? Can't you take a hint? They were having a moment back there."
"What moment? All he said was it was pizza day!" Sam protested.
"It's the WAY he said it. You've gotta leave them alone sometimes."
"But I like pizza!"
"ENOUGH with the pizza! It's not about pizza! It has nothing to do with pizza!"
"Well, they SAID pizza! Sounds like it's about pizza to me!"
"Are you gonna hush up, or do you want another punch in the arm?"
"You have some serious rage issues, you know that? You should prolly talk to the guidance counselor or something about that." Sam told him. Hehehe, those two...God bless them both.
Brody was a total gentleman about walking me to class, but I think it only made it hurt more to say goodbye to him in the long run. I can't explain it, but it felt like he was leaving me alone to deal with the voices in my head again. It was like having the only fire that was keeping me warm suddenly burn out on me. I really didn't want him to go. I really didn't.
"Are you gonna be ok?" Brody asked me as we stopped in front of my classroom."
"Yeah. I'm...I'm fine." I said, but soon added, "I'm gonna miss you though."
"No need to. Because when the next bell rings...I'll be right here. K? Promise."
"M'kay..." I said with a blush. "I'll wait for you, then."
"Seeya..." I said.
Having a boyfriend is such an adventure, you know that? I think I got goosebumps just from having him smile at me before walking away. That's enough juice to keep me energized and craving more until I get to gaze into those dreamy eyes again. I'm sure of it.
When I went to sit down at my desk, I reached into my backpack to grab my folder and textbook...but I also saw the many pages that I had printed out about...you know...him. About my life at home, and the abuse, and the pain that I was doing my best to endure every single day of my life. I just stared at it for a moment, and I wondered if I was really going to have the courage to turn this in to Mr. Raffe or not. I mean...this is me. The real me. Totally exposed.
I don't even remember half of the stuff that I put into that project...I was just kind of drifting along on a wave of raw emotion and regret. I kept writing and writing and writing until I got all of that foul poison out of my system...and now I don't know if I incriminated myself or not. I wasn't trying to tear my life apart, I just...I needed an outlet. Something to channel all of this burdening hatred into before I was too full to keep from collapsing in on myself like a dying star.
Maybe I should read it again before I turn it in later on today. Just...a brief skimming of everything so he won't take it too seriously. I mean...it's just a stupid 'story', right?