Friday - I just got off the phone with Lee, which always puts me in a good mood. Especially when he's anxious to see me. Hehehe, God, I can't believe that I'm still blushing over a phone call! I really can't understand why my crush on Lee is sooooo strong sometimes. I mean, we're just friends, and I'm cool with that. It's not like I'm head over heels in 'love' with him or anything. I just....sighhh...sometimes I can just hear his voice, and think about the cute little sparkle in his eyes, and I melt every time. It's different from the weirdness I went through with Bobby Jinette. That was just a big sexual outburst of passion. I just wanted to literally fuck the SHIT out of Bobby every time I laid eyes on him. But things are different with Lee. With him it's like...I actually get shy and awkward around him for being so damn adorable. He doesn't have a single flaw in him. Not that I can see. Except for the fact that he's straight. But even THEN, he had sex with Jimmy LaPlane! So even that's not really much of a 'flaw'. Anyway, he really wanted to get together tonight for pizza and a movie like I said we would this weekend, but I really wasn't ready for it yet.
Actually...I was kinda scared to go tonight. I don't know why...but I just felt like I wouldn't be able to control myself around him. And the LAST thing I needed was more trouble. He gave me this REALLY cute little puppy whine over the phone, and I promised him that I'm come over tomorrow night. He MADE me do it! I swear! I just...I can't say no to Lee! I can only postpone things long enough to get my hormones straight. So...yeah, I'm going over there tomorrow night. God help me.
Anyway, let me push that aside for a minute and tell you what fucking happened today at lunch....
I'm already kinda feeling weird because I'm spending most of my day looking out for this fucking 'Stevie' kid to walk by so I can get some info on him. So far, I know that he's never had a girlfriend before, but he hangs out with girls a lot...which is like...a BIG gay hint right there! Right? And he's too cute to not have ONE of those girls want to date him. So having him hang out with Brandon is making me even MORE nervous than before! And *WHY* can't they just eat in the cafeteria with the rest of us??? Why the FUCK do they always have to sneak off somewhere else to be alone? I haven't seen Brandon in the cafeteria for a couple of days in a row now, and I don't like that at all!!!
Sorry, I got off of the subject...
That's not even what had me all messed up today. See, I was sitting at the table with Sam and Joanna, feeling all mad and hurt because Brandon and Stevie had gone off somewhere to be alone again...and I was TRYING to be 'social' and all, but not really in the mood to talk much, you know? And somewhere during our 'disconnected' conversation, Joanna said something that kinda disturbed me...
I think Sam was talking about some other couple entirely at the time. I think it was Marty and his girlfriend, Stephanie, or something...and how they were worried because Marty was like, two years older than she was and they thought it might look weird to other people if they were dating. I never really thought about it, but I guess that's a big issue to them or something. So...Sam is talking about how the age thing doesn't really matter as long as they're happy, and then I say, "Exactly. What's the big deal? They LIKE each other, and they have fun together. What the hell is everybody's problem anyway? It's got nothing to DO with them."
But then...Joanna says, "You're absolutely right, Billy. People can love whoever they want to. I mean...it's nobody else's business who someone loves. Right?" And she kinda touches Sam's hand when she say it. Now, I'm not an idiot. I know when comments like this just come blindsiding the conversation out of fucking NOWHERE! So I glare at Sam, who instantly looks away from me to avoid my eyes.
So I'm like, "What makes you say that, 'Joey'?" Still staring at Sam hard.
And she says, "I'm just saying...people should be free to love who they want. And that's a beautiful thing. Who cares if they're not the same age? Right? Even if it was like...two boys liking each other...it would still be ok. There's NOTHING wrong with that. It's perfectly natural." Yeah...okaaaay, THAT was subtle!
So I'm giving Sam DAGGERS at this point, and I'm so damn mad that I can barely SPEAK! But he still doesn't say anything. So I keep up as much of a 'friendly' face as I can until Joanna gets up to give Sherri her Physics book back, and I fucking let him HAVE it! Well...I had to stick to whispering it loudly under my breath, but he could clearly tell I was mad!
I'm like, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO??? YOU FUCKING **TOLD** HER???"
And he's like, "Who says I told her anything?" But I give him a seriously evil look, and he caved. "OK!!! Jesus! I mean, she practically BULLIED it out of me! It was like the fuckin' Jedi mind trick or something! She just kept asking and asking and ASKING..."
But I'm like, "WHO CARES??? You PROMISED me you wouldn't tell anybody, Sam! You PROMISED!!!"
He's all, "Don't worry so much, Billy! She's totally cool with it. It's like, she already knew anyway. It's not like she wouldn't have asked you eventually anyway."
But I told him, "She would have asked me, and I would have told her *NO*!!! And that's what YOU were supposed to do! You fucking BETRAYED me, dude!"
I think he was actually a little bit hurt, but...dammit...I didn't want her to know! It's not so much the fact that she's 'cool with it'...it's the fact that somebody knows about me and *I'M* not the one that told her! That means that my secret is, like...'out there' now. Now SHE can go out and tell somebody, and THAT person can tell somebody, and it can just go on and on until the whole damn SCHOOL knows that I'm gay! It's like I had totally lost control of one of the biggest secrets of my whole LIFE And it's all Sam's fault for not covering for me.
So Sam is like, "Dude....I'm SORRY, ok? She wouldn't leave it alone. She's the one that put me up to talking about it in the first place. I couldn't just keep telling her that I didn't know anything." I didn't say anything at first, but Sam seemed really apologetic about it all. "Just...don't let it stress you out, ok? She promised to keep it a secret."
And I said, "YOU promised to keep it a secret! So what the fuck good is HER word about it?"
But he assured me, "No, she'll be really 'hush hush' about it. It doesn't go any further than the three of us! I swear to God! Ok?" I pouted for a second, and then saw Joanna coming back to the table. Omigod...it was soooo humiliating! I used to DATE this girl, for crying out loud! And now...now she 'knows'! When she sat back down, all I could do was cover my face with my hand and lower my head in shame.
Joanna looked around the table, with me covering my face, and Sam looking down at his lunch tray and fidgeting with one of his fingernails. It didn't take long to put two and two together. And she instantly swatted Sam on the shoulder. He cried out, "OWW! WHAT???"
And she's like, "What did you SAY?"
But he replied, "It wasn't ME! It was YOU! I TOLD you he was gonna think something was up if you kept being so 'nice' to him all the time." Which made me blush even harder when she looked over at me. God, I wish I could have just crawled into my backpack and died. Why the hell did he have to tell her I was gay?
She reached out for my hand, which I pulled away from her, my face turning purple at this point. She's like, "Billy...you listen to me, ok? You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. Me and Sam love you just the same as we did before. Ok?" It was like this weird, 'after school special' performance, and it was soooo degrading that I was almost in tears over it. She says, "I just want you to know that we're here for you. Anytime you feel scared, or confused, you can come talk to us...."
And I interrupted her at that point and had to get up from the table. I'm like, "I've gotta go. Like...right NOW! I've gotta go!" And even though she tried to stop me, I just felt like some kind of idiot just looking her in the face at that moment. I can't BELIEVE Sam sold me out to his girlfriend! I just...I....ARRRRGHHHHH!!!
Anyway, my Mom wants to watch a video tonight, and frankly, I need to take my mind off of things for a while. So I'm gonna stop writing this, and hopefully tomorrow won't be such a disaster. I'll just go to Lee's early and spend the whole day with him. Just in case Sam decides to just pop on over and try to make things all better. I mean...I don't HATE him or anything...but I want to stay mad at him for a day or two before he uses that pretty boy smile of his to make me forgive him for totally exposing me! Bastard! I swear..I wouldn't put up with that boy if he wasn't so damn sweet.
I'll write more later. In the meantime, I'll try putting on my special 'Lee Repellant' suit on for tomorrow night. I DON'T need another emotional attachment right now, I can barely handle the ones I've got now! Later...