Tuesday - I had a few bouts of craziness today. It's the strangest thing, but I actually feel...'good'. I should be nervous and shaking and worried out of my mind. But...I'm not. I wonder if this good feeling is a set up for something awful. One of those 'fake' resolutions right before the last 30 seconds of the horror movie, when the monster comes back to rip the main character's heart out. Roll credits.
Anyway, it might just be me being paranoid. At least, that's what I'm hoping.
Let me tell you that avoiding Bobby Jinette is becoming increasingly difficult. I know he's got to have other friends to hang out with besides just me. But he sees me and his whole face lights up. I can literally see the rest of the physical world disappear from his eyes. It's like he worships the ground that I walk on, and he's getting worse the more I try to pull away from him. I was thinking that things would be easier if I could just make it through this week. Once we were done with the swimming portion of the P.E. curriculum, I wouldn't have to look at his hot naked ass every damn day, and maybe this weird spell he has over me would be broken. But I think he's starting to notice that I'm not being as receptive to his smile as I used to be...and every now and then, there will be this, like...silence between us. You know? It'll only last for a second or two, but he'll look at me, and he'll get this look on his face like he's somehow 'screwing things up' or something. So he tries even harder to be close to me while I try to politely back away. Awww...I don't wanna hurt him. Bobby's not all that bad. I mean...it's just....I've got Brandon now. Brandon is the kinda boy I've been dreaming about my whole life. And he's my actual BOYFRIEND now! (God, it feels good to say that!) What happened with Bobby was just....sighhhh....it was 'fun', sure. And it was hot. But...it was all just an accident. We were both horny, and I had been looking at him naked, and I was...kinda mad at Brandon for being gone...it all just sorta happend. If I could take it back to make this all go away, I would.
So...I'm gonna try to fake him out for a little bit longer, and maybe Bobby will move on. If for no other reason than to get back at me for not paying him any attention. If I'm lucky, he'll find himself a nice boyfriend and forget all about me th next day. But if he doesn't, and this keeps getting stretched out for even longer...then I might have to actually 'tell' him, face to face, that it's over. Ugh! I SO don't wanna do that! I never really had to do it before, and I can't imagine it going well. My last boyfriend, AJ, just kinda 'went away' when I stopped letting him use me. And Joanna actually left 'me'. So this is something new to me. I just hope it doesn't come down to some weird confrontation where I'm trying to explain things to Bobby while he's...I dunno...crying, or something.
Brandon didn't come down for lunch today. I stood by the door where the lunch line ends for nearly half the period, just waiting to see him and talk to him about the way he had been so scared to talk to me in public these days. I swore that I was gonna do it today, and I had every plan of doing it. You can't imagine how much it hurt to have him run out on me....AGAIN. So, feeling rejected, I went out to the lunchroom and sat with Sam instead. What else was I gonna do? My own boyfriend didn't even wanna be seen with me. Some dream guy he turned out to be, right?
Sam was happy to have me at the table, and he was all giggles today. But he can always tell when something was bothering me, so he asked me what was wrong. I actually wanted to ask him a question, but I'd have to strategically put the words in a certain order that wouldn't give anything away that I didn't want him to know. I was like, "Sam...can I ask you something? And be TOTALLY honest, ok?"
So he says, "Sure. What's up?"
And I ask him, "Dude...do I seem...'gay' to you?" I think that's a safe enough way for me to say it.
"What???" He asked in surprise.
I'm like, "You know...do I come off as a bit 'sissyish' or anything? You can tell me if I do."
Sam's first reaction was to get upset. "Is that fucking jerk, Kyle bugging you again? I swear to God, I'll pound that son of a bitch if he so much as..."
I had to cut him off before he got any deeper into THAT little rant. "No. No, it's not Kyle."
So he says, "Is it somebody else? Are they calling you names?"
And I tell him, "Nobody is calling me names, Sam. I just...I wanna know if you ever look at me and think...'something's not right with him'. Or whatever. I mean, I'm not gay acting, am I?" I was kinda scared to hear the answer. Because if I am, I don't know exactly how I'd be able to change it. And I kinda liked the idea of my sexual identity being a secret. Still, I'd rather know about it than walk around all day thinking I have everybody fooled if I'm obviously gay. You know? I mean...if AJ can pick me out in a shoping mall, and Bobby can see it in me, and Jimmy felt safe enough to ask me to make out with him...then I must be giving off SOME kinda vibe, right? Maye that's why Brandon doesn't wanna be near me in public. I must look so gay. I saw Sam giving me the strangest look from across the table, and I asked, "Just...yes or no, dude! I don't care, I just wanna know what you think."
Sam told me, "Billy, you don't have anything to worry about. I don't think you're gay. Nobody that I know of thinks you're gay. K?" He said. "I've been your best friend forever, dude. I think I would know if you were gay."
I didn't know how to take that last comment. A part of me found it kinda funny that he would say that. Another part of me was scared, because if anyone has the ability to figure it out, it was Sam. It wouldn't take him long. One slip up and I'm dead in the water. Another part of me was relieved, because it meant that he had no clue about what I've been going through lately. And I was safe. But....there was another part of me that felt this weird sense of shame. I don't know where it came from or why, but it was right there and it stung me pretty badly. He was right....he was my best friend. He's been my best friend for a lot longer than this 'gay' thing became a part of my life. And he has no idea. This huge part of my life, this gigantic issue that determines my wants and needs and every unexplained bit of my behavior, is growing stronger and stronger every day...and my best friend doesn't even know it exists. The more I have to hide it from him, the further I'm going to have to push him out of my life. I just...I felt like that comment carried more guilt with it than what he was actually intending. Again, I'm stuck wondering...should I tell him? What happens if I tell him? What changes? I'd love to be optimistic and say that nothing's gonna change at all...but that would be a lie. That's too big to not have any effect on our friendship. Way too big.
So I did what I always do. I kept my mouth shut and just accepted the compliment. I'll worry about that stuff later. Maybe when we've gotten completely back in sync with each other like before.
OH! Yeah, before I forget! I ran into Jamie Cross today! Well...actually, he ran into me! He walked over to me after calling out my name...and I DIE when he calls my name! Anyway, he says, "Hey, Billy, listen...I'm having a little party at my house next weekend. You wanna come by?" He was handing me this photocopied flyer with a crazy drawing on it and his numbe and address. Was he for real?
I think I got stuck for a moment there, because he gave me a look like he was waiting for me to say something. So I blurted out, "Yeah! Um...sure! I'll...I'll come." Shit, I almost 'came' right when he asked me!
He's like, "You don't mind being around a bunch of juniors and seniors, do ya?"
And I say, "No...that's ok." Wow...Bobby was right. Jamie doesn't talk to many freshmen at all.
He flashed me the most awesome smile, and he said, "Cool. I'll see ya then. Feel free to bring a friend or two if you want." As he was walking away, I actually waved at him! Arrrgh! What am I? One of the Beverly Hillbillies? Why did I do that? What's he doing inviting me to a party anyway? I'm nobody special. I've GOTTA get myself together! Sighhhh....a party at Jamie Cross' house...geez! I never thought I'd see the day.
Alright, so....why do I actually feel 'good' today? I mean, except for getting invited to a party with older boys, most of them cute enough to make you wish you were their willing sex slave....my day pretty much sucked. That is...until after school.
Brandon might have ditched me at lunch, and expertly dodged me in the hallways for most of the day as well, but he couldn't sidestep me forever. I thought about checking the library, but even if I found him there, we wouldn't be able to talk much. So I went out and stood by the bike racks where his bike was. He was going to HAVE to come get it eventually. I didn't care if I had to wait on that spot clear through to the next morning, I wanted to see him and find out what the hell was going on. So I leaned against the rack, and I kept my eye on the other kids coming out of the school, and soon, I saw Brandon walk out too.
I could feel my determination shrink to almost nothing. Just looking at him, with those beautiful eyes and sweet kissable lips and that fine physique...I sighed to myself, aching to be near him again. For a moment I had almost forgotten why I was out there. He looked up when he got close, and almost stopped dead in his tracks. That was enough to jog my memory.
He walked over with a smile that I'm sure he was faking just for my benefit. "Billy, what's up?" He said, and he kinda looked around as he came close enough to reach his bike.
I watched him for a sec without saying anything. He just kneeled down by the bike and started unlocking his chain. He wasn't even looking at me. "You ditched me for lunch again today." I said.
And he's like, "Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had a report to do on the Depression, sooo..."
And I say, "Bullshit." Because thats what it was, right? He's deliberately AVOIDING me and I didn't do anything to make him treat me like that. It's not fair!
So he's all like, "What?"
And I'm like, "You know what. Why are you being like this? What did I do wrong?" And he stands back up and starts looking around us again like I had given up our 'secret' just by being loud enough for him to hear me clearly.
"Shhh, lower your voice. What are you doing?" He whispered.
But I wasn't about to whisper. At that point I didn't even care who heard me. "I wanna know why you've been dodging me lately. Everything was cool this past weekend, and now you're treating me like some kind of diseased puppy, and I wanna know why!" I said, and he pulled his bike away from the rack.
He says, "Can't we just...look...I'll call you later tonight and we'll talk, ok?"
But I'm like, "No, we can't talk about it 'later'. Why later? Why not right now? This is the only time I can get you to pay me any attention." Brandon blushed a deep red, and looked over both shoulders, practically trying to hide behind his own soft brown hair. "Dude...I'm trying to talk to you. If you look over your shoulder one more time...I'm outta here."
But the whole time he's giving me these sad eyes, and motioning for me to be quiet. And, after a couple of seconds, his eyes dart to the side as a group of laughing boys walked past us. They weren't laughing at us, nor did they have any idea what we were talking about...but Brandon was so damn paranoid that he looked anyway. I couldn't take any more. I rolled my eyes and turned away from him to start walking home. That's when he yelled out, "Billy! Aw, Billy, come on! Wait!" I kept walking, and he had to pedal a few times to catch up to me. I wasn't trying to be some senseless brat or anything...but what he was doing to me really HURT, you know? I was so lost in having this perfect feeling inside of me, that having him repeatedly poke it with a sharp stick all the time was killing me. He caught up, and put a hand on my shoulder to keep me from walking. "Billy...wait....ok? We can talk. Just...let's get away from this place first. Alright?" I know he could see me almost tearing up from being hurt, but I held back and nodded my head.
He hopped down from his bike, and we walked side by side for a while until we were blocks from school. Finally, I said, "So are you gonna talk to me, or ar we just 'pretending' again?"
He says, "I know you're mad..."
And I say, "I'm not mad, Brandon. I'm hurt. I'm hurt because you don't wanna be seen with me."
He's like, "What are people gonna think when they see us eating lunch together and hanging out all the time?"
I told him, "We ALWAYS eat lunch together and hang out all the time! They're not gonna notice anything different. And even if they did, who cares?"
"I care!" He said, "Billy, maybe you can sit down at a table and pretend that you're not so far in love with the person sitting across from you that you can hardly breathe...but *I* can't! I don't know how!" I had to stop myself for a second to figure out if I had gotten that backwards or something. Then he says, "I'm trying to hold it in as much as I can, Billy...but I'm scared that I'm gonna do something that's gonna get us both figured out. Don't you get it? I'm....I'm crazy about you."
Those tears in my eyes welled up again, but I didn't let them fall. I said, "So...you're....you're not ashamed of me?"
And he says, "Oh GOD, no, Billy! I'm just....ashamed of 'me'."
I was quiet for a second, and then I said, "You don't have anything to be ashamed about."
He's like, "All this time I've been feeling...different. And I didn't WANT to be different. I didn't want to feel this way. I figured...my hormones were crazy, and I was just a little screwed up. I still had time to 'fix' it and after high school, everything would work itself out. It was just some stupid...'jack off' fantasy thing that would run its course and then just fade away when I got older." Then Brandon looked at me with a sniffle and he just....he looked so helpless at that moment. So vulnerable. He said, "But...it's not like that with you. I told myself that I was just being stupid, and I was weird, and that I didn't have a chance in hell anyway so why bother? But you just....you wouldn't let the feeling go away. It just kept getting worse and worse and now...it's not just a sex thing anymore. I actually....'love' you. I'm in love with you. And that means...I can't fix it. And it's not ever going away."
I didn't know that he was having such a...'struggle' with it all. I guess I had my struggles too, but...I think I get it. I thought about hugging him, but that might have complicated matters even more. So instead, I just said, "I'm sorry."
Brandon kinda wiped his eyes and said, "Oh God....what am I gonna tell my dad?" I guess...being in the closet is a lot harder for some than it is for others. Especially when that awareness hits you right between the eyes and won't let you manuever around it no matter how hard you try. Where I could lie to my best friend for years and never feel much of a sting for it...Brandon was...a little more sensitive than that. "Billy, please don't be mad at me, ok?"
"I'm not mad..." I said.
He's like, "Yes, you are."
I said, "No, I'm not."
He insists, "Yes, you ARE." And he was holding his head down now, afraid to look at me. I don't think he fully believed me until we had walked all the way back to my house. He had stopped tearing up by then, and gave me a slightly bashful grin as we looked to see my mom's car in the driveway. Both of our cheeks were red and our eyes the same color from trying not to cry. We looked at each other for a second, and started giggling at the same time as identical thoughts ran through our mind.
I smiled and said, "You know...I could always...send my mom out to get us a pizza or something....if...you wanted to come in."
And he's like, "Nah...it's ok. Maybe next time." Then he actually kissed me on the cheek! In front of my HOUSE! Even I wouldn't have had the guts to do that! "I'm sorry for skipping out on you, k?"
My eyes got wide, and I blushed. I said, "Awww Brandon, you've GOTTA come inside now!!!" And I tugged on his arm to see if I could get him to change his mind. We could turn the music up! My mom would never know!
But he just said, "No, there will be a better time soon. Seriously, I've gotta get home." I whimpered and whined, but I let him go. I melted all over again. That's when he said, "I love you, Billy Chase. I mean it. Ok?" And I nodded with a grin as he got on his bike again. "Cool. I'll see you tomorrow."
I shouted out, "You BETTER!" And he looked back to laugh a little with me before he was gone.
So...um...yeah...I feel good. I don't know how or why or what any of this means or what any of it is leading to. But...for right NOW...at this very second...I feel good.
Yep, I think that about sums it up.