The Secret Life of Billy Chase: Book 2

- There's a certain piece of all of us that I think is constantly crying out for attention, and when we don't get it, it can really sting pretty deep. I guess that's what I'm feeling right now concerning AJ. It's been two days now, and I doubt he'd call me this late. So tomorrow will make THREE days, and he can't even bother to call me. Not to explain what happened with Scott, not to invite me over, not even to say hello. But you know what's worse? I actually feel hurt about all of this. I mean, I get angry, sure. But more than anything, I just wana forget about him like he forgot about me...and I can't. In fact, the more I try to hate him enough to write him off and not care anymore, the more my heart yearns to be close to him again. I actually shed TEARS over him tonight, and it's the worst feeling in the world to know that he wouldn't do the same for me. He probably doesn't even care. Great...here I go again. I'm gonna use up a half box of kleenex if I don't stop being a baby about all this. Anyway, it doesn't do me any good to write about him, so I'll just move on.

Something really weird happened earlier on today. There's this boy, Justin, in my English class...and I overheard him talking to some of his friends right outside of the classroom. Evidently, he and his new girlfriend were going to be 'doing the deed' this weekend, and he was going to finally get rid of the whole virgin persona forever. He was trying to be laid back and cool about it, but when I think about it...he must have been terrified. Well, I was. Just a little bit. Everything felt really great, but to this day, I still don't know if I did everything right. I guess when someone is wrapping their lips around your privates for the first time, it's a bit hard to think of a textbook way to pleasure someone else. To be honest, I remember how it all felt, but I can barely remember how it happened. If it wasn't for me writing it in this book, that memory might have gotten forever lost in the recesses of my mixed up mind. I don't know why Justin would be in such a rush to get rid of the virgin bug anyway. The way he was talking about it, it was like fearfully swatting a giant tarantula spider off of his shoulder. Nobody wants to be a virgin at 14. But, now that it's gone, I kinda wish I could do it all over for the first time again. Without being so freaked out and childish about the whole thing. Without having anything hurt or feel strange. And certainly with someone BESIDES AJ, so I can actually say that I'm proud of the experience.

And there I go.....thinking of him again.

Anyway, what struck me as being really odd, was the fact that this particular conversation seemed to make Justin so....'hot' to me. Is that weird? He's far from being ugly, of course, but I never really thought about him in that way before. And yet, somehow, the thought of Justin being naked and smooth and grinding on top of his girlfriend in those initial moments of passionate lovemaking...it forced this unshakeably sexy vision of him to imbed itself in my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I almost wish that I could watch. Maybe even 'participate'. Geez, I swear, this book is one day going to be used to show a group of therapists my slow decent into madness. I can't be totally sane, writing stuff like this.

Seeing Brandon today was a weird experience. Another product of a mixed up mental image, formed by a random comment that may or may NOT be true. Once you think that a cute boy you know might be gay like you are...you look for it in everything he does. It's impossible not to. It's like your mind builds this entire second life for him that you never knew existed before. You start looking for him to say something or do something that'll give you the evidence you need to call him out. And that makes things awkward. Because Brandon has a tendency to walk that fine line between 'innocently androgynous heterosexual teenager'.....and 'possibly frightened homosexual hottie'. Which makes it difficult to figure out WHAT the hell is going on. Everytime I get a hint that says he's gay, he totally flips on me and makes me doubt the idea that anyone so perfect could be so...'available'. It just doesn't make sense. Well, there's AJ. But that was a once in a lifetime lottery ticket, finding a boy my age who's cool and sweet and extremely cute and gay. (Sighhhh....stop THINKING about him, Billy!!!) But chances are, that kind of a find isn't a normal occurrence. Still, with Brandon, I wonder sometimes.

So Brandon and I made small talk at best. But the more I think about kissing him, the harder it gets to breathe around him. I mean...the feeling is like...REALLY strong! Have you ever stared at the lips of someone you wanted to kiss really bad before? They seem so soft and wet and...they move so erotically with every word that they say. At one point, Brandon licked his lips briefly, and I felt like I was having an orgasm just standing there in front of him. Damn Jimmy for putting these stupid ideas in my head. I feel like my heart is starting to put him in the same category as Jamie Cross now. That silent, untouchable, conquest that any teenage boy would go nuts trying to achieve. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. One one hand...I feel like I want to be around Brandon more than ever. But on the other hand, the idea of him and I being 'friends'...and nothing more...is starting to fade so far into the background, that what we share on a daily basis is beginning to seem...well...pointless. It hurts to not have 'more' of him. And the last thing I want to do is treat Brandon the way I treated Simon. So...maybe I should just back off for now, and let this little crush of mine pass over me before I royally screw things up for good.

That's all for now. I'll write more tomorrow. Later.

- Billy

- I got another email from Lee tonight. And he put the saddest little pout faced emoticon on it. Grrr...I can't even deny that he's cute when I'm MAD at him. Basically, he just asked, "So you're not even gonna talk to me now?" To be honest, I was kinda glad that I had someone to still punish emotionally for everything, since Sam and Joanna stopped caring.

Yuck....'Sam and Joanna'. I can't believe that I have to say their names 'together' when I speak about them now. It's like ths stupid pseudo-name for the couple, like...'Benifer'. I don't even wanna think about what they're doing with each other these days. But they've been dating 'officially' for three weeks now. In high school, that's like...having a friggin' fiance. And they're still supposedly very happy together. But...I still wonder if they're doing it everyday after school. I mean, Justin has only been dating his girlfriend for two and a HALF weeks, and they're gonna do it this weekend. So.....I guess it's safe to say that Joanna isn't a virgin anymore. And....neither is my Sam. Sighhhh....I really wish it could have been me. For either one of them. I would have made it special. It hurts so much to think that they could share something like that without me. Since we're not talking, I won't even get to hear Sam talk about it later. I always had this fantasy that Sam and I would somehow end up together. I remember once, in the 6th grade, when I was determined to make a move on him one night when he slept over. And I had to keep leaving the room because I couldn't stop shaking. Damn....he looked so adorable that night. Just a tshirt and his boxers. He was so cute that I chickened out completely. It was intimidating. Now...now I just wish I had that night back. So that I could have been his first. So that he could have been mine. I suppose that ship has already sailed for the Joanna Islands, huh?

Well, getting back to Lee, I didn't answer again. He knows I'm mad at him, I don't know why I need to clarify why. The only problem is that it seems much harder to STAY mad at him than I thought it would be. But that's probably due to the fact that I still harbor the goofiest infatuation with him, and even though I don't plan to ever do anything about it, I can't seem to shake it. Whatever. He can suffer for a while. At least for as long as I had to suffer not knowing that my girlfriend was cheating on me behind my back while he fucking stood back and fucking watched the whole FUCKING thing crumble without telling me!!! If nothing else, he could have at least kept me from looking like an idiot. I don't think things can ever be the same between us again. Ever. Because deep down...that thought is always going to be right there in the back of my mind, asking me how he could do that to me.

I saw Bobby Jinette in the gym locker room, and he seemed awfully 'jolly' today. Not for any particular reason that I could see, but there was an unmistakeable grin on his lips. So I asked him what was up, and he's all like, "Nothing. I'm just in an awesome mood today. That's all." He was bouncing around and practically giggling in my face. I didn't understand it at ALL. At least, not until later.

So I go to lunch with Brandon, and HE tells me that Bobby invited him to go over to his house after school today!!! I mean...what the FUCK??? I thought I gave Bobby the CRYSTAL clear message that my Brandon was 'HANDS OFF'?!?! I thought he got the hint. And now he's asking Brandon over to his house behind my back? What is his malfunction anyway? Why can't he paw and scrape at the feet of some other teenage hunk? They've got nice asses and luscious boners to suck on! Why Brandon? And what's worse...why did he agree to even GO??? This is bad. This is really bad. If Brandon is gay, and Bobby is obviously gay, then what happens if they find out about each other? Maybe it'll be just like the thing with Justin. Once you think of someone being an actual sexual person...they automatically tap into some hidden part of you that just makes them beautiful. Even if only for a few minutes. Sit...if they're alone today, and that happens, then Bobby is going to come into school tomorrow with an even BIGGER smile on his face than before. And I'll miss Brandon's first time too. Awwww....this was a real sucker punch coming from Bobby. And I don't even have enough time to come up with a counter maneuver. Very smart, Bobby. Very smart indeed. I hope he realizes that this is war now.

Speaking of war, on a short side note, AJ still hasn't called. And I think my heart is starting to harden up enough where I can keep it from ripping me apart inside like it was before. At least for now. It feels like my feelings finally have a bit of a defense from whatever game it is that he's playing with me. Albeit a very weak defense. Hopefully it helps until he calls me again.

I got a chance to talk to Jimmy tonight. Which he was really happy about. Even after all this time, he still feels kinda honores that THE 'Billy Chase' would bless him with a phone call. Can you imagine? I didn't know that I was such a...celebrity in his world. People have been treating him better at school, and he's made some good friends that don't mind that he's gay. All of them girls, of course, but he's gotten himself a little group of sweethearts to hear him out when he's feeling down. Naturally...I love Jimmy, and I'm glad that things are going great for him. But I'm also a little...I dunno...I guess 'jealous' is the word I'm looking for. I mean, he's not...hurting anymore. He still treats me like the greatest thing since sliced bread, but there was a time when I was like, the only shining star in his life, and now I wonder if his new friends will take my place. He likes me, but he won't really 'need' me anymore. And that's when folks start getting distant and moving away from you to do their own thing. It's too bad. Because I was really beginning to like Jimmy a lot. He's my very first kiss afterall.

Anyway, we talked for a bit, and he told me about this major party that's going on at Corey Parker's house this Saturday. He sounded really excited about it all, and said that pretty much everybody was invited to show up. It sounds like it would be an awesome time, and I know Corey well enough to ask him if I could come without him having any issues about it. There's just one big problem...if I go, I'd pretty much have to go by myself. I never really went to a party by myself before. I ALWAYS had people to go with. And if not a small group of other kids, it was always me and Sam, the dynamic duo, showing up side by side. People kinda expected it. But since I never know what to expect of Brandon these days, Sam and I aren't speaking, and Joanna and Lee are kinda on my shitlist...I'm sorta left out in the cold this time around. Not to mention the fact that I don't wanna go if it means seeing any of them there. "Dude, why don't you roll with us? It'll be fun." Jimmy said. "Sit next to Stacy! She thinks you are SO fucking hot! She probably would have jumped you by now if I didn't claim you for myself." He giggled.

That kinda woke me up. "Wait...you tell other people that you like me?" I asked him, and I swear you could hear him blushing through the phone.

"Well....yeah. I don't mind." He says, being all shy and quiet about it. "YOU don't mind....do you?"

And I'm like, "NO! I don't mind. It's just....I didn't know. That's all." Which he liked. So I guess there are a group of girls that know how he feels about me, which is kinda cool. But so help me...I'll KILL him if he tells them that he kissed me!

Anyway, I didn't say 'yes' to the party invite, but I didn't say 'no' either. I left it open with a nonchalant 'maybe', and that seemed to be good enough for Jimmy. And we hung up shortly after that. I don't know...maybe I should go. If I don't show up, won't it look like I'm purposely trying to avoid everybody? Like I'm all broken up or something? I should go. I'm going. I'll have a good time, and if they show up, I'll just ignore them. Whatever it takes to appear ok in the eyes of the masses.

I'm getting sleepy, so I'm going to bed now. I had homework, but I'm just going to tell my teacher that I left it at home. I don't have the brain power to tackle that right now. If I get up early enough, maybe I'll take a shot at rushing through it in the morning. For now....I'm due for some z's. Later.

- Billy