Thursday - Ok.....I'm in a really difficult place right now, and I don't know exactly how to find my way out of it. Well...I guess I should know the right answer without even thinking about it...but....
How do I even begin to explain this? Well, you know how you really REALLY love somebody, and you wanna be close to them, but you just can't be? And somehow, your mood switches over to a point where you see them and instead of it giving you that really gooey feeling in the middle of your stomach...you get kinda angry? I mean....it's like...a total tease, because he KNOWS you want him, but he smiles and flirts with you anyway, knowing tat it hurts to not be able to hold him and kiss him and lick him whenever you feel like it! Well, that's kinda where I am with Brandon right now. I mean...I love him to death, I really do....but....I hate seeing his cute face and being forced to look away all the time. I wanna...sighhhh....I just wanna be alone with him somewhere every now and then. And I don't kow how to do that.
Anyway, that's only a small part of the problem. Because today....things just got a lot more complicated.
I saw Brandon this morning, and everything about his smile was just...more amazing than usual. OOH, and he wore one of his most awesome shirts to class...it clings to his trim little body sooooooo sensually, and it just makes you want to hold him close and inhale that unique Brandon aroma until you're high off of the fragrance! God...I can just remember what it was like to nuzzle my nose and lips in the soft warm nape of his neck, and inhale that sweet scent right after we made love. I get chills just thinking about it! But...like I said, it was kind of a double edged sword, because I was also kinda mad at him for being so tempting when he was so far out of my reach. So I didn't talk to him much. And even when we were talking, I was trying to keep him at arm's length most of the time. I hate to say it, but you really get tired of having a steak waved in front of your face while you're starving. Well....um....
See....I had a short conversation with....um...Bobby today...and he said something that totally blew my mind. I mean, he KNOWS that Brandon is my boyfriend, and that we're in love. He knows now that I don't love him, because I came right out and told him, even if Bobby still wants to have sex. And the only reason that I even brought up what was going on between us was because Bobby could see the intensely frustrated look on my face. But he actually said to me, "You know, Billy, if you really want to, you can always use my place if you guys want to be alone for a while. I don't mind."
I think it took a few seconds for what he actually said to actually sink in. I mean, first of all, there's no reason for Bobby to that for us. If anything, he's only gonna make it harder for me to have any feelings for him at all. Second of all, how am I gonna approach Brandon with the idea of going over to Bobby's house to have sex without giving an explanation as to why he would make such a generous offer? Which brings me directly to number three....while me and Brandon are there getting 'freaky' and everything...exactly what is Bobby gonna be doing? Is he, like, gonna leave the house? Is he gonna it in the living room and turn up the tv so he can't hear us having sex? Is he gonna sit there and WATCH? I mean...exactly how does something like that work?
I think I did the right thing and turned him down. But he was like, "Dude, it's totally cool. I mean, if you need a space, my Mom's usually gone all day on Saturday, so you guys just come over and have some fun. It's ok with me."
I'm like, "Are you serious? I mean...we don't wanna put you out or anything." But he insisted that it was ok if we had sex at his house. And that...was the most fucking incredible idea ever to me! An actual bedroom for me and Brandon to be alone in. No hurrying, no interruptions, no keeping our ears to the door to listen for my mom's car in the driveway. We could actually just be together...and love one another without anybody around to bother us. The very concept is 'boner inducing' enough as it is! There's just one little problem....
Bobby's like, "I understand, man. Just let me know when you guys wanna get together."
And I'm like, "Are you sure? I mean...what do you want?"
And Bobby just flashes this devious smile at me and goes, "Hehehe, you know what I want. You just have to give it to me." And THAT'S the problem! He didn't come right out and say it, but it's pretty easy to see that this situation is going to demand some sexual favors from yours truly. So...I give Bobby sex, and...it's AWESOME sex for the both of us, believe me!!!!...and he lets Brandon and I have a place to be in love without disruption. I mean...it's
A boyfriend....that I never see....and can't be alone with...and can't even kiss withot worrying abot people staring at us, ready to ruin both of our lives with their judgements and ridicule.
So, I'm like...stuck, you know? Because I want to be faithful to my boyfriend and ust work things out as the come. But...Bobby's offering me the chance to have mindblowing sex with him whenever I want, AND have personal time with my boyfriend too...without any hangups or consequences at all! I mean...that's a good thing right? The only thing that I have to sacrifice at all is a few interludes with Brandon on the phone on the weekends, while I go to Bobby's house and sink my hard inches into that soft, warm, wet, cushioned ass of his! I get to pump in and out of him and feel that tight ass ring gripping my dick so hard that I can barely stand it....and then I still get to kiss and cuddle with the love of my life. And he doesn't ever have to even know about it. So...where is the downside to all this. I mean...I'm doing this for me and Brandon, right? So it's kinda like, I'm being even MORE faithful to him. By not letting Bobby take me away from him, even when we're sweaty and naked and all. Right?
Yeah...it sounds fucked up, but maybe I can use this to my advantage. And I get to have sex with TWO hot boys instead of just one.
I might just tell Bobby that tomorrow. I don't know what I'll have to do, but....he still turns me on more than anyone can ever imagine! And the thought of being with him again is already making me hard! Bobby Jinette is probbly one of the most passionate teenage lovers on the face of the Earth, and all he wants...is me.
So anyway, even though I flat out said 'no' when he first brought it up...I kinda softened on my stance by the end of gym class. There's something about seeing a tight round ass bouncing around in a pair of skimpy gym shorts that motivates change in a guy's perspective. You know?
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I actually saw Sam and Joanna together in the hall today. They were all cozy, and he kissed her on the lips. It was one of those things where...I didn't
really care, but I kinda cared a little bit, but I didn't want to care at ALL. You know what I mean? It's hard to explain. Anyway, I came up to them and said hello, trying to be all normal and whatnot. And he said hello back, and even though they stopped kissing in front of me, they were, like, still holding hands. It's like geez, can you stop 'touching' each other long enough to have a conversation, or should I come back later?
Anyway, I told Sam that maybe I'd come down to the cafeteria tomorrow and hang out. It'll be Friday and everybody will be in a good mood, so how can I go wrong? Sam brightened up immediately. He's like, "Sweet! Dude, it'll be fun." Yeah, whatever that means. It's just lunch.
I would have stayed and talked to him longer, but now even holding hands wasn't enough for them. Their fingers started to rub together and they just...kept TOUCHING! It was disgusting! So I made my escape as soon as I could. Stupid heterosexual couples...showing off in front of everybody. I don't understandwhy they have to flaunt their perfect sexuality so much.
Sighhhh...I wish I could hold Brandon's hand in the hallway and greet him with a kiss during school. Whatever. Stupid dream.
I talked to Jimmy today too, and he seemed to be finding his smile again. It had been a while, since he had that falling out with Lee, and even though I might catch a grin on his face every once in a while, he hadn't really maintained a genuine smile since he first told me that they 'went all the way'. Maybe he's getting over it. I mean, there's other guys out there. Not as cute and as cool as Lee is, but they're out there. Hell...if I thought he'd go for it, I'd set him and Bobby up together. They can screw like jack rabbits all damn day and never get tired of each other. At least it would keep him smiling. And I might be 'allowed' to talk to Lee again.
Anyway, I've got stuff to do. Plus I have homework, but my math teacher looked pretty sick today. So I'm thinking she won't be there on Monday to check it in anyway. Still, better safe than sorry, right?
I'll write more later. Seeya!