Wednesday - I believe the technical term for it is 'stress'. That strange feeling of tightness you get inside when your mind is full of potential problems, but you're trying to force yourself to grin and bear it for the sake of people who probably wouldn't understand your problems to begin with. It's that 'deer in headlights' moment when you see the truck coming, but no matter how loud your brain is screaming at you to move out of the way...your body hasn't gotten the message to respond yet. Yeah, stress. Anybody who thinks that teenagers don't have it...has a really bad memory about their own childhood. Believe me.
First things first, Brandon and I did get to spend a little time together for lunch today, but only because the library was closed for some pep rally planning committee or something. So that was somewhat relaxing. I miss his smile when I don't get to see it as often as I would like. There's something SOOO seductive about the way it slowly spreads out on his face in the cutest way sometmes! It's all shy and bashful and just....AHHHH....it's fucking ADORABLE! And it makes you EXTREMELY horny when it's accompanied with just a hint of his boyish blush! It's like....his cheeks turn, like, this perfect shade of pink, and his smile shows the whiteness of his teeth! And OH...OOOOHHH...he'll kinda bend his head down in this really sheepish way, so his hair moves forward and hide his eyes, and it's like.....sighhhh....it's soooo beautiful!!!! You know? I can't even put this into words! It's the most kissable fucking expression ever created in human history! I swear to God! He makes me SO damn happy sometimes! Hehehe!
Anyway, we were eating lunch, and he did the 'smile' thing a couple of times, and I couldn't STAND it anymore! So I asked him...no...BEGGED him, to let me come over to his house after school today! I needed to feel him against me! I NEEDED IT!!! I was literally whining and carrying on, and I had to press my hand down HARD on my own bulge just to keep it from squirting all on its own! I love his neck. I love his eyes too. Omigod, and I love his voice when he whispers sweet things to me too! He's so unimaginably awesome, you know? I don't think that I've ever had such a hard time trying NOT to kiss another boy on the lips, with LOTS of tongue, in front of everybody watching!!! He makes me care so much less about everything else that's going on around me!
So...I kept asking him if he could just....let me come over for a little while so we could be alone. Or if he had another plan for us to just...just...be together for a little while. God, I needed him. I REALLY fucking needed him! What's the point of having a damn boyfriend if you can't fuck him silly once in a while? Huh? SERIOUSLY! Hehehehe! I think he was flattered, but also a bit nervous. He wanted to be with me too, but where were we gonna do it? The bathroom at the gas station? We didn't have anywhere safe to go. No privacy at ALL. Arrrgh! Why can't his mom just fucking GO somewhere instead of sitting around the house all day? Why can't mine do the same? We should set them up as friends so they'll BOTH go out and do something together somewhere, and Brandon and I will get a fuckin' chance to be in love.
So, Brandon's like, "Hmmmm...I don't know where else we could go. Do you know anybody with a car? Maybe we could drive away somewhere else?"
But I'm like, "Dude, I can't get my driver's license for another two YEARS! Plus, I don't know anybody that would let me drive by myself, anyway, even if I wanted to. They'd wanna come too, and that would ruin everything." I thought hard, trying to run through every possible scenario and location of sexual 'safety zones'. But our options were extremely limited at this point. I said, "What about the basement of the apartment down the street from you. That's usually empty, right?"
Brandon giggled. "No way. They've got their washing machines down there. If anybody comes down to do their laundry, we'll get caught for sure." He paused for a moment and said, "Aren't there any secluded parks around here or anything? Like...maybe something with, like...a hidden fort, or a treehouse or something?"
I was like, "They're not secluded 'enough', unfortunately. They're all surrounded by fuckin' houses and stuff. Or they're right by a main street with traffic coming by all day long." Then I said, "The Mackenzie's kids have a tree house in their backyard, don't they? We could sneak in after it gets dark..."
Brandon said, "The Mackenzie's also have a matching set of German Shepards that will pretty much bite off anything they don't recognize. That's the LAST place I wanna be naked!"
I was like, "FUCK!!! Dude...we've GOTTA find someplace to go! We've GOTTA be able to have some fun time together!" I guess I wasn't really 'mad' at him, but it was seriously frustrating to be so starved for some sexual affection, and have the PERFECT boy to do it with...but not be able to get the time and privacy to enjoy it! I swear, if I don't get to swallow his cum again soon, I'm gonna BURST inside! Even just sitting there looking at him was painful for me. I had to keep shifting in my seat every time I heard the sound of him talking in my ear. He's got a little bit of a haze in his angelic voice on certain words, and it's just....sigh....it's enchanting, you know? Like everything else about him. Even the way he 'blinks' is arousing, because his lashes are just a bit longer than most boys. It's hardly noticeable if you're not looking...but his eyes are so pretty, how can you NOT look? He's SO damn PRETTY! Everything ABOUT him is pretty! It literally makes you overly emotional to be this close to him and no closer! And the very fact that this gorgeous boy is willing to say that he loves me is enough to make you wanna break down at the thought of not being able to mash your lips against his every time you catch sight of him!
"Aww, don't be mad, Billy." He grinned, giving me a fake pouty face. "I'm sure we'll get some time soon. And we've got the end of the semester coming up soon. So we'll get some days off then, right?"
Noooooo! I'm like, "Brandon! That's like THREE WEEKS from now!"
Brandon laughed at me. "Hahaha! Damn...you're so cute when you beg! Seriously!" I couldn't help but to sit there and sulk for the rest of the lunch period. It just sucked, you know? I can't even KISS him without finding some 'secure' location and preparing him for it. Sighhhh...it's just aggravating, that's all. Finally, Brandon told me, "Look, I'll see if I can get my parents to...'vanish' for a few hours next Saturday. Ok? My mom's been bugging my dad to take us out to dinner for weeks now, so if I help her nag him into it...and then 'conveniently' drop out of it at the last minute...they'll go without me. And we'll have the house to ourselves. At least for a little while. That's better than nothing, right?" I just kinda shrugged my shoulders, and he leaned over to give me a little shove. "RIGHT?"
So I told him that would be fine. I'd still have to wait until next Saturday, but he'd better get ready for HOURS of rough ass, hardcore sex, because I'm gonna be pretty damn horny by then!
Oh....yeah....a bit of awkwardness happened after school today too. See....when I told Simon that I was gay yesterday, I kinda forgot that I was gonna have to...um...'see' him again today and Friday. For some reason, I just didn't think about the cosequences of my actions at the time. It just sorta came out of my mouth all on its own. Maybe that's why they call it 'coming out'...because I certainly didn't expect it. Here I was planning on my first 'confession' being this premeditated conversation where I slowly provide the necessary information, and brace the other person for impact....and it ends up fuckin' violently spouting out of my mouth like a shaken up soda pop from the school cafeteria!
Anyway, we were sitting there in the student center for our second to last tutoring session, and I could hardly approach the table, much less look him directly in the eye. He was still smiling and congratulating me on the big success on my test and all. And, naturally...all I could think about was the fact that he 'knows' about me! I felt so...damn....NAKED in front of him at that moment! Like...vulnerable, you know? I was breathing hard, and my palms were sweating, and I'm trying to act normal, but deep down, I'm about to shake myself to pieces at the thought of my biggest secret being in the hands of someone who could...use to destroy the rest of my LIFE if he really wanted to! And that terrified me.
Anyway, he asked me, "So, do you have any other questions before you take the big final on Monday? We've still got two more sessions, if you wanna review anything."
Once again...the 'shaken soda' sprayed the walls around us. "Dude, I'm so sorry about yesterday! I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but I don't want this to be weird, ok? And I'm scared hat you're gonna tell somebody, but I really REALLY hope that you don't because that would REALLY suck, Simon! nd I'd never trust you with anything again if you told! So just....don't tell ok? Please? If you want...like....money or something...."
Thank God, he stopped me before I dug myself any deeper. "Hehehe, dude, I told you...it's fine! And I'm not gonna TELL! Geez! I wouldn't even think about it if you weren't constantly bringing it up." He grinned.
It's always SO hard to just accept that from someone else, you know? Like...how do I know he's being sincere? How do I know he's not just saying that to be cool? How do I know he's not just saying that to keep me from caving his head in with a shovel and burying him in my backyard to protect my secret? Huh? I don't know that! And yet....there was something about his smile that made me think....'maybe'. Arrgh! I wish this didn't tear me apart so easily.
"I'm sorry." I said softly, and he put a hand on my shoulder.
He's like, "STOP saying you're sorry! There's nothing to be sorry about. Just...don't think that I'm gonna bail on ya because you like..." And he stopped for a second to whisper, "...Boys." Why was he being so cool about this? "Ok?"
I was like, "Are you sure it's ok? I mean, please tell me if you think it's, like, sick or something. I mean it."
But he said, "The way I see it, you were gay when I met you. So how is this any different? If we were friends then, we can be friends now. Right?" I really did NOT expect Simon to take this so well. But, I figured that I should take my blessings wherever I could find them. So I clammed up and let it go.
After that, Simon and I had one of the most comfortable, most easily maintained conversations that we've ever had. I had forgotten how easy it was for him to make me laugh. Wow...after all this anger and rejection...Simon was a really cool guy afterall. And still cute, if I may say so myself. Hehehe!
Shit, I've gotta go! I've got tv to watch! I'll write more soon! I am so glad that I started this journal. Not so much for reading what I put into it before...but for the chance to write down what I'm feeling right NOW. It just...'feels good'.