Saturday - You know, sometimes it's funny to find out who your angels are. It's weird, and it's wild, but sometimes those people show up just when you need them most. I guess it's all a part of the divine plan that's gotten me this far, huh?
I'm talking about Bobby Jinette, believe it or not.
I was actually kinda bothered by the fact that he called this afternoon. A least I was at first. It was mostly because I had my head full of all these conflicting emotions and weirdness surrounding the issue of spending time alone with Lee today. I didn't think that I was going to be able Bobby's feelings on top of everything else. Plus...I knew that AJ and Jimmy were going to be spending a lot of time together today, since Saturdays are AJ's days to 'play'. And I certainly didn't want them spending to much quiet time together before getting a chance to warn Jimmy about what a fake he is. If AJ starts having sex with Jimmy, he'll be too far gone to bring him back around without him getting his heart broken in two.
Anyway, with all this going through my head, Bobby calls, and now I was being forced to worry about him too. As it turns out....his call just might have been the best thing for me.
It was the kind of phone call that I remember getting from Bobby way back when we first started talking to each other outside of school. With him being a bit nervous, and having an actual 'plan' in mind from the second he dialed my number...but was too scared to bring it up right away without 'buttering me up' with ten minutes of idle conversation first. He's like, "Yeahhhh so....I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. Because...well...we haven't really talked in a while, so..." It's like, I could just FEEL the next question coming up, but I was kinda hoping that it wouldn't happen. And then, of course, it did. "So...I was just wondering, if you weren't doing anything...if you wanted to come over today or something?"
It SUCKED at first, because I knew what this was all about. I mean, Bobby Jinette doesn't have much of a 'poker face' when it comes to being all infatuated and goofy over me. Not even over the phone.
So I was like, "Actually...you know...I've kinda got plans for tonight, so..."
And he waits for a second or two, like he's trying to come up with something to say. And then he goes, "Billy...I just wanna see you, ok? I mean, I'm not trying to make a...'date' or anything. I just...I miss you sometimes. And today is one of those days when I miss you a little more than usual." Arrrgh! He wasn't trying to sound 'sad' or anything, but the words alone were sad enough.
I said, "I know, Bobby. Seriously. And I wanna still be...friends, you know? I just...I kinda promised somebody else that I'd go over and hang out tonight. That's all."
So there was another pause, and I think he sighed a bit, but he asked, "Is this 'somebody else' a boy?" I mean, should I be offended by the fact that he felt the need to ask me that? I'm not really...but...should I be?
I told him, "Yeah. But it's not like that. He's straight, and we're just friends."
But Bobby's like, "Is he cute?"
And I asked him, "What the hell does THAT have to do with anything?" He kinda said that it didn't matter, but I could clearly tell that it did. At that point, I just...I felt really bad. I was like, "Bobby, we can hang out again, we just can't...well...you know." Which he totally understood, and explained that he was just kinda worried that things between us were wrecked forever because of what happened with Brandon. And honestly...the weird thing is, I think I found more in common with Bobby Jinette since the whole 'hot butt naked sex' issue was out of the way than I ever did before. It's strange how you can really see the heart of the person when you're not just thinking about licking their chest and squeezing their ass all the time.
Anyway, I promised Bobby that we'd hang out again soon. And I'd even go over to his house as long as he behaved himself. His answer was, "Physically...I promise, no 'touchy'. But mentally...I am going to be SERIOUSLY molesting you from head to toe! Hehehe!" Sure, he giggled at the end, but there was no 'joke' about it. That boy REALLY has the hots for me And hurt feelings or not, that can be extremely flattering.
The thing about Bobby's phone call was that it really just gave me this really strong perspective on how human and fragile his feelings really were concerning me. And so were Brandon's, and hell, even Jimmy LaPlane's. I was being this emotional vampire to every last one of them, drawing them in just far enough to get what I wanted, and then pushing them away again. And I just didn't want to be that person any more. I didn't want to bring Lee into this toxic mixture of infatuation and betrayal and lust. I really wanted to be different. I wanted to be better. And it was thoughts like those that really helped me to control myself around Lee tonight.
Thank God...because it was *NOT* easy!!!
I first went over there, and Lee is in his prep school uniform. Dark Navy Blue and white, with a cute little tie and...sighhhh....it looks hotter on him than I ever even imagined! I guess he had some kind of Saturday school breakfast to go to this morning or something, so he was just coming back when I got there. I should have looked at pics of Lee online before coming over. Going for a long period of time without seeing Lee, and then being smacked in the face with his adorability factor is like...a harsh blow to the senses sometimes.
So he's all happy to see me, and shows me all around his house, which is a bit bigger and nicer than I thought it would be. I guess his parents are a bit more well off than he lets on. He had this really cool fireplace, and a huge flat screen TV with a PS3, and X360, AND a Nintendo WII all hooked up to it...and just about every known accessory that came with them. You know...Lee is much too humble to have this much stuff. Seriously. You'd never guess from talking to him. Most of the kids at school with stuff like this brag about it constantly. But not Lee. He just kinda shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal. I kinda wondered if he'd let me...like..borrow some of this stuff for a week or something. Hehehe, he probably would've let me too.
I never really spent a lot of alone time with Lee before. I always saw him when we were in a group of people. And I sort of expected him to be less entertaining and charismatic without the luxury of a full audience. But...truth be told, he wasn't. He was sweet, and funny, and talkative...and he was so damn cute that it literally HURT to look at him sometimes! And every time that I thought I was beginning to get comfortable around him, he would do or say something adorable, and I'd feel my emotions, like, 'jump'. It's like, this instant 'crush tsunami', washing over me and drowning out my common sense while his smile lured me in even further. There was one point during the movie where I actually thought I was gonna kiss him on the lips. Like....totally beyond my control!
See, he rented this horror movie, and it was cool and all, but we were both at opposite ends of the couch with our feet up. And sometimes our sock feet would touch, and I'd apologize, but he'd just giggle and ask me what the heck I was apologizing for. Then he'd do something wicked, like rub my feet with his on purpose and bat his eyelashes at me...and we'd laugh a bit but...GAWD!!! If he only knew how awesome he was.
All I could think about was him and Jimmy getting it on, and him saying that he'd 'definitely' fool around with me online, and the idea of this totally gorgeous, super intelligent, nice house having, incredibly sweet and sexy, boy...does NOT have a girlfriend or a boyfriend!!! And it would drive me CRAZY!!! Because he should be totally knocking somebody off of their feet right now! Like he's doing to me every time I talk to him.
We had pizza together, and his parents are really cool too. His dad especially. I can see where Lee gets his sense of humor from. And his mom gave him those awesome eyes and pretty boy smile. God, he's PERFECT! There was a moment when he was showing me stuff on his computer that I actually sneaked in a few sniffs of his hair. And even THAT smelled good! I held myself back until I had sharp pains running through my stomach. It's hard to look that boy in the eye, you know. You can't do it. Not for to long. You lose all train of thought and end up just watching his lips move without hearing anything he's saying over the beating of your own heart.
Needless to say, I kept my cool tonight. And he had a good time, so he wants to do it again some time soon. But, at one point, he's like, "You can sleep over if you want. My parents don't mind me having company over on the weekends." Which...ahhh.....um....
Ok, I pretty much just got a painfully stiff boner just thinking about the idea of me sleeping in the same bed with Lee! He's got a big bed, but...not big enough for me to not roll over and FUCK that hot ass boy SILLY!!!! AAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!
Ok...sorry...losing my mind here.
But I left and came home still trembling a bit inside. Am I in love with Lee? No. What I feel for him is somewhere between the true feeling I had for Brandon, and the absolute worship I had for Jamie Cross. But...DAMN if he doesn't tempt me!
I wonder what he looks like naked. I wonder what he TASTES like! OMIGOD, I'll just bet he's delicious! Sighhhhh...
But all things aside, I still miss the way Brandon's smile use to brighten up my day. I miss the cute way he would giggle on the phone when he was nervous, or the way he would blush right before he said something sweet to me. And I LOVE Lee, I really do...but he's not my sweetheart. Neither is Bobby Jinette. And I'm glad I kept that in mind today before I did something ELSE that I was gonna end up regretting later.
Gee, what do ya know? Maybe I can learn a lesson or two after all.
Alright, I'm gonna go. It's late, and I'm getting kinda sleepy. I'm expecting a lazy day tomorrow, and God knows I need one. So I'll write more then. Later.