Thursday - It's just destiny! It's GOTTA be! I'm telling you..everything that I did went so perfectly today, that it was like God himself was guiding me in all the right directions! I'm seriously grinning from ear to ear right now! Even with certain things being kinda weird. But even THAT was to my advantage today!
See...my parents kinda had a bit of a falling out on the phone tonight. Something about bills or some kind of financial bullshit that they were both supposed to take care of. But since they hardly qualify as a 'couple' anymore...I guess issues like that are bound to come up. I almost feel as though I've become a part of the betrayal concerning my family at home. I have to silently admit that I've begun to adapt to the idea of my father not being here anymore. I've allowed him to just...exist somewhere else without me. I've allowed my mom to be ok with that. And as much as I hate to say it, I've even been glad to have the house so...'peaceful' for the last few months. The more I admit it to myself, the more I wish I hadn't just given up on them. The more I wish they hadn't given up on me.
My mom was in the kitchen, and things were getting heated between them again. I was just going in to grab a glass of root beer from the fridge, and she instantly lowered her voice and walked into the other room. As though I wouldn't know what the heck was going on. So the argument continues, and insults passed between them, and then she hung up on him in mid sentence. The phone rang again immediately, and she just let it ring, walking back into the kitchen and saying, "Don't answer that. He's being childish."
I said, "Do you guys ever stop? I mean really..."
But she goes, "Billy...not now. Ok?" And she's like, frustrated at ME! Like *I* did something wrong!
Maybe it was just a teenage burst of misplaced testosterone or something, but without even thinking, I heard myself say, "This is so stupid. I can't even answer the phone now because you can't get along. Sometimes I don't want to be around either one of you." I think...I think an extremely nervous tremble hit me hard in the center of my chest once the words left my mouth..and I visibly cringed from the fear of what might follow. I half expected my mom to grab me by the throat and toss me across the room. But when I turned around and saw her standing there, just giving me one hell of an evil look instead of bringing the claws out completely...I dunno...I kinda....kept going. I don't KNOW why I did it. I could probably blame it more on her current state of conflict with my dad and a temporary moment of weakness than any kind of suggested 'power' on my part. But whatever it was, I made sure to keep a certain amount of distance between us just in case.
I can't even remember how the hell I managed to work things out, as the conversation itself was all a bit of a heated blur to me...but I think I was able to solve my birthday party issue. Like...by 'mistake'. I told her that I didn't wanna take her side, and I didn't want to take his side, and that if they were gonna keep fighting...then I'd rather just spend my birthday with my friends instead. And she's, like..gonna LET me.
Totally unexpected. When I walked away, I felt kinda numb inside. I KNOW she's gonna ask more questions between now and then. I just KNOW it. But...for now, she's actually giving me permission to be with my friends on my birthday. I don't know...I think it's a trap. Especially after the party I had...there's no WAY that she's being this nice to me. But for now...I'll chalk this up to a temporary win.
That aside, I asked a few more people to come to my party on Monday. Didn't even think about the fact that it would be on a school night and some classmates might have trouble getting away from home for it. But surprisingly...it didn't seem to pose much of a problem. Like...for hardly ANY of them. They had a billion alibis and excuses ready to go for their parents, with back up plans, and other people who were willing to be a 'eye witness' if they needed one. Hehehe, never underestimate the devious nature of the teenage mind.
Like I said, destiny was on my side today.
Bobby's definitely coming, not that it surprises me. I think he'd follow me to PRISON if I asked him to stay near me. And Jimmy's definitely going, and I hope him and Lee can still be as comfortable as they were last time. Simon seems to have become a ghost in that place ever since he started swapping spit with his girlfriend, but I managed to get him to come too. He's soooo happy, his face sparkles. Simon actually told me that his parents are 'proud' of him for having a girlfriend. Hehehe, whatever that means. Then again, maybe they didn't expect him to ever get one until his brains made him a millionaire with his own island in the Pacific somewhere.
Trace smiled at me today. You wanna know something...despite the brooding troublemaker side of him...he's really 'beautiful'. I mean, the little twisted dreads are cute on him, and his eyes are extremely sexy. It's something you only notice every once in a while, but when you notice, you REALLY notice. And it's breathtaking. He was like, "You don't mind if I show up a bit later, do you? I've gotta wait until my pops gets home to watch my little brother before I can go out on Monday. He'll be home around 8 or 9 though."
I said, "Nah, that's cool. I'll still be partying past that."
He giggled and said, "It wouldn't be much of a party if you didn't." Then...as weird as it sounds, I think I blushed a little bit. He caught a hint of it and gave me a weird look and a grin. Then he was like, "Ok, well...I'll see you then."
I was like, "Yeah sure." He walked away, but he did look over his shoulder at me, as though he were laughing at me for being 'strange'. But, yeah, I don't know what that was. Like I said, when you notice how cute he is...it's kinda hard to figure out an appropriate reaction to it. It kinda catches you by surprise sometimes.
I sorta saw Jamie Cross in the hall today. I think he was going down to the gym. I have to invite him to the party too, but...thinking back to what Jimmy said about him..you know...maybe 'knowing' about me...it, like, paralyzed me. Like seriously PARALYZED me! I don't think he saw me, because he was with a few friends of his at the time. But I just turned around and practically ran away from him. Don't know why. If he knows, then he's being awfully cool about it. And yet...the very idea of telling him is just downright frightening. So...yeah. I'll do it tomorrow.
But I DO want him to know. I don't want hi thinking I didn't invite him on purpose or anything. I promised him I'd let him know.
Sighhhh...it's not like I don't know his every habit by heart. Like I said, I lived and breathed Brandon's life the whole time we were together. So...even though I tried to make it look like a random coincidence, it was no surprise to see him coming out of the library after 6th period. And thankfully, he was by himself. No 'leeching weasel' on his arm. I kept my eyes down a bit as I approached him, and once we looked at each other...it was almost like reigniting some long forgotten spark between us. And I don't think it was just me this time. Then again, it might just be wishful thinking.
I didn't want to mention Stevie. Not at all. I didn't want him knowing that I had heard about their little argument. And I didn't want to look desperate either. So I just said, "Hey, Brandon."
God...his eyes are so beautiful. I've never seen eyes so beautiful. He's like, "Hey, Billy. What's going on?"
His voice was so soft. I don't know, he seemed to not be in the best of moods, but when I said, "You know...it's my birthday next week..." He worked up a sweet smile for me anyway.
He's like, "Yeah, I know. I wouldn't forget something like that." He looked down at his feet for a second, and he bashfully asked me, "So...are you planning to do anything special for it?"
It got hard for me to breathe The ease of our conversation, the full contact blow of his beauty, his shy little smile...it all seemed to be too good to be true. I said, "I was...kinda having this party...you know. So...yeah...next week and stuff."
He was like, "Oh...well, that's cool. I hope you really have a good time." I think I was kinda trying to get out of asking him, and I think he was trying to get out of just 'assuming' that he was invited. After all, we haven't been on the best of terms lately. But despite the raging butterflies in my stomach from being this close to him...I decided to try my luck.
I came right out and told him, "Brandon...you know you're invited, right? I mean...you're always invited, no matter what I'm doing. So...if you wanna come...I mean..you can."
This time he did blush a bit, but his smile faded a bit. He's all, "Billy, you don't have to feel...'obligated' or anything if you didn't want me to drop by..."
And I said, "But I DO! Really, Brandon. My birthday party wouldn't even be remotely fun without you there to celebrate with me." He looked at me for a moment, flattered, but...almost with a feeling of disbelief.
He's like, "Are you sure? I mean...I kinda got the feeling that...you didn't wanna talk to me anymore."
I said, "Not a chance. That'll never happen. Never." He looked at me again, and his blush deepened a a little smile broke out on those kissable lips of his. I'm like, "So...are you gonna come?"
He looked away for a second to hide his smile. God, it was so CUTE! I literally started to get EXCITED. And he's like, "Yeah. Totally. I'll be there."
I nearly jumped out of my shoes when he said that. "SWEET!!! You don't have to bring a present or anything, just...be there, and I'll smile all night long."
He giggled, and said, "Billy...geez."
I'm like, "Hehehe, what?"
He goes, "Sighhh...you always know how to get to me, you know that?"
I said, "Yeah. But that's a good thing, right? I should know a little SOMETHING about you a this point."
And you know what he says to me? He says, "Yeah, like counting on seeing me coming out of the library after 6th period, and strolling over to make it look all innocent. Hehehe!"
I giggled out loud, and turned red in the face. I'm like, "Ok..I'm busted. But yeah...I wanted to see you." Maybe I was being a bit too dreamy at the time, but I really wanted to just...have him near me again. I had been aching for it or so long that I had almost forgotten what it was like to have him smile in my direction...and turn my whole world into sunshine.
Brandon heard the bell ring, and he had to go, but he was like, "I've gotta run. But I'll see you soon, k?"
I'm like, "Ok..."
And he says, "I'm buying you a present."
I said, "No! You don't have to..."
But he's like, "Yeah, well, I'm buying you one. Deal with it." And he walked off. And he was smiling. And I was smiling. Man....it felt like GOD was smiling!
And now I'm so giddy that I can't even contain myself! I've gotta go see Lee tomorrow to make sure that the plans to use his friend's house are all good to go! So I'm gonna send him an email and make plans.
So far, so good! This might just be the best birthday EVER!!!