Still...as overwhelmed as I was by the very idea of me actually approaching another boy for the first time in my entire life and actually asking him out on a DATE...
...I could still feel myself getting increasingly nervous as we approached the school grounds. Or even when we got to a neighborhood corner and had to wait for a car or two to pass before we could cross the street. It was like my lungs were constricting to the point where I could barely get any oxygen into them at all. The muscles in my chest began to tighten, my palms felt hot and sweaty, and I could feel the pulse in my neck raging out of control as I fought to think of a way to let Dallas know that I wasn't...you know, that...
...Nobody knows that I'm gay, ok? I'm sure that it's no big deal for him, as he's been dealing with it for quite some time now. Being 'out' in public and stuff. Having my friends know. Having my parents know. Having strangers in the street know, or those barely familiar faces in the hallway when I'm switching from one class to another. Should I tell him? What if I say something and it offends him because of his sexuality? I mean, I'm thinking that he's just assuming I'm ok with being gay and open about it with the rest of the world since I just blurted out that I liked him. We're getting closer to school with every step that we take forward...and he's still holding my hand. I don't want to yank it away from him. I don't think I should say anything...but...I mean, if I don't...does that mean that I'll be coming out to all of my classmates at once? Will they see? Will they figure me out? They already know that Dallas likes boys. So, if they see us holding hands, then...they're going to assume that I'm his boyfriend, right? Which means that I like boys too. It wont be a big mystery or anything.
But...am I really ready for that? I mean, I didn't leave my house this morning thinking that I'd suddenly be telling the whole damn world that I'm gay.
And yet...Dallas was just soooo happy to be holding my hand at that very moment. He looked at me with a giant smile, his dimples caving in on both sides of his cute face as his blush deepened with timidity...and pride. But me? I was having an entirely different reaction all my own.
The paranoia was crushing me under its titanic weight. Who was watching me? Who was whispering? How long would it be before the whole school knew that I was holding hands with another boy? I don't know...I've never done anything like this before. It was KILLING me to not have any idea what might happen next if I made a misstep or judged my own actions the wrong way. We're almost on the school's front lawn now. Only a block away. I should say something. I need to tell him the truth. I need to do it now!
With a bit of a panic bouncing around in my chest cavity, I pretended to cough, pulling my hand away from him to cover my mouth as I turned my head, and then I just didn't reach down to take a hold of him again. At first, he didn't seem to really think that anything was out of sorts with what I had just done...but I didn't want to stop with some lame defense tactic that any toddler could come up with with a few seconds of thought and a selfish need to avoid any discomfort.
Why do I feel like I'm really going to regret this?
"Yeah?" He replied.
"About...you know...you and me?"
He giggled to himself, "Oh wow. You and me. That sounds so...official. It kinda tickles, hehehe! Sorry. Go ahead."
I slowed down my pace, and just as we walked up to the street corner right in front of the school, I lowered my voice to almost a whisper, and I said, "Look...ummm...nobody knows about...you know."
He seemed a bit confused. "I do? Knows about what?"
"About me. About...what kind of stuff that I...like. You know what I mean?"
I doubt that I was making a whole lot of sense to him, but once he really took a moment to realize that I wasn't reaching out to hold his hand again, and he turned his head to look at some of the other students around us, all waiting for the crossing guard to guide us across the street...I think something 'clicked' for him. "Oh..." He said softly. "I get it. Oh man, I'm sorry. I just thought that...no, I understand."
"I mean, it's NOT that I'm really all that worried about it. I didn't change my mind or anything..." I said.
"No. It's cool. I didn't mean to make you feel weird about it..."
"I don't feel weird about it!" I insisted. "I just...I mean, like..."
Dallas lowered his eyes and looked down at his shoelaces. "You feel weird about it. I can tell."
Am I screwing this up? I've had a boyfriend for all of fifteen minutes and I'm already fucking up! "Dallas...dude, if you really want to...I won't say no. I just didn't plan this out at all. That's all it is. It's not you, ok?"
"I don't want you to feel like I'm putting you in an awkward position or anything. It's cool. It's not like I'm some kind of clingy, desperate, guy who needs all of that stuff to feel good about myself."
"I never thought that about you, ok? Not for one second." I said.
Dallas ran his fingers through his mop of dark blond hair and worked up the most genuine smile that he could for me. "It's no big deal. Honestly."
"Dallas...I'm so sorry. I'm really bad at this. I've never done anything like this before."
"Me either." He said. "But we'll figure it out somehow, right? I mean...everybody has to start out with some emotional training wheels at some point in their lives."
"I guess this is that point for us, huh?" I smiled.
He sighed dreamily. "I guess it is. But...if there was ever anyone that I thought would be worth the effort...I'm thinking that would be you."
"You too." I said. And I stared into those big brown marbles of his as the crossing guard put his stop sign up and came to guide all of us late students across the street. I know that it sounds weird...but now that I've gone through all of that worry and confusion...I kind of wanted to hold Dallas' hand again. I missed his touch. Maybe I just needed to feel safe having him know that this part of my life was a secret, and that he was ok with that. So far...he doesn't seem too bothered by it. But I wish I could do better. I wish I could be better. It's sort of important to me.
Boys like Dallas are a once in a lifetime opportunity. And he deserves to be treated like one. I just need to get myself together so I can feel a bit more comfortable possibly one of the prettiest boys on God's green Earth. I know that it shouldn't matter...who I fall in love with...
...But it does. Just a little bit.
It's something that I'd rather warm up to in a space that Dallas and I can make for ourselves. A place where we can be alone and deepen the bond between us without the judgemental eyes of a million outsiders thinking that they have any right to weigh in on the situation. I could do without that. We both could.
I just want him to know that he makes me happy. We haven't known each other that long, and he so unfathomably gorgeous that it's hard to say that it hasn't created a huge bias in my heart being so instantly swept up in the potential promise of being able to kiss those perfect lips of his some day soon...but there's another part of me that just feels more than a quick and random infatuation for some cute boy on my high school soccer team. It runs much deeper than that. Dallas is the kind of boy that you just want to hold close and keep warm on a cold night. The kind of boy that you could stand in the doorway and just watch him sleep. He's the voice that I hear in my head, even when he's not around. The dream made real. The personification of the endless bliss in my heart. I can't explain it...but something keeps telling me that I shouldn't have to.
Who knows why flowers grow or why they chose that particular moment to blossom. Sometimes...you just look upon it, and enjoy the beauty of it without questioning it's rhyme or reason for doing so.
That's my Dallas. That's exactly what he means to me.
I really should have held his hand...
"Alright, so...see you at practice?" He asked me.
I felt a little bad about having him be so cool and carefree about this. So I looked away from him and said, "Yeah. For sure."
He must have noticed the change in my demeanor, because he touched my arm to get me to look him in the eye again. "Hey...we're just on day one of this thing. Heh...we'll work it out."
I nodded sadly. "Something tells me that we're going to get everything wrong for a while. But...like you said, you're totally worth it."
He got a little lump in the back of his throat, putting his hand over his heart. "Jesus, Trey...you're starting to make me feel like I'm going to wake up any minute and this is going to be the worst, most hopeless, dream that I've ever had."
"Maybe..." I said with a smirk, then I reached out to hold his hand again. Lifting it up to my lips to give him a little kiss on the back of his knuckles. His skin was so warm and soft. Wow. "...Maybe not."
This time, Dallas turned super red in the face, and he began to tremble slightly as he let go of my hand and started to back away from me as he traveled down the hall to head off to his next class. He was giggling uncontrollably at the time, and I couldn't help but to laugh at how cute it was. Yeah...I felt it too.
"See you soon..." He said, and then turned around, walking with so much energy that he was practically skipping to class. Omigod...I made him happy! I really did! How awesome is that?
I was actually doing everything that I could to concentrate on my classes once I sat down for class. Unfortunately, Dallas and I didn't take any of the same courses together...or at least not at the same time. So I was lucky to maybe pass him in the hallway during the day for a few brief seconds. Seconds that were now going to have so much more meaning now that we both told each other how we felt about maybe being together. Hehehe, the very thought of is kept playing on a constant loop in the back of my mind. No amount of focus could keep me from daydreaming about him. Omigod, I want to touch his hair. The second I get to be alone with him again, I want to feel what it's like to thread my fingers through those silky, brass colored, locks of his and feel them tickle my palm as I lean in for a kiss. I can do that now, right? With Dallas being my 'boyfriend' and all? Hehehe!
Oh wow...I can't WAIT!
I kept feeling myself getting mini erections all throughout my class periods, and had to actually work to fight them back as fast as I could for fear of being caught all 'boned up' by one of my classmates. I really didn't need the extra embarrassment today. But...every single time that I thought about his touch, the feel of him holding my hand, that flirtatious grin of his when he focused those big brown eyes on me, or the pinkish hue of his soft, perfectly shaped, lips....I'd feel myself getting stiff again. And I'd have to distract myself with more school work to keep from getting too aroused to hide it from an entire classroom of other students and my teacher.
And to think, I hadn't even gotten to the really sexy thoughts yet! This was just a wink and a smile that got me all hot and bothered. What the hell am I going to do with myself once we start getting the chance to make out or something? Or, like...when we...you know...when we can actually start...
Ok, I'm getting EXTREMELY hard now! I need to stop that! Let me concentrate on something else. Yikes!
I was in English class, and trying to busy my horny brain with the book we were currently reading and discussing. You know...I don't think that I ever really got into Shakespeare before. To me the words always seemed so abstract and overdone, so it was hard to even know what the hell he was talking about half the time. But we were reading 'Romeo and Juliet', a book written well over four hundred YEARS ago...and for the first time, I totally got it. I did. It was almost like finding out that I could suddenly speak another language. It suddenly made more sense to me than anything I've read for school before.
"My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite."
Yes! YES!!! I totally understand what he means by that! It's like...I'm thinking of Dallas, and the more I sigh and wiggle and dream about being close to him again...the more I want. Or, like...ummm...I want to give him all the love and all the heart that I have. And if he takes it? I'd only want to give him more. I want to give him everything I have. Everything I am.
Like Shakespeare said...it's 'infinite'. You know?
Wow...I get it. I totally get it now. He was on some really deep shit back then, wasn't he?
When class was over, I made sure that I was appropriate for standing up and walking out of that classroom. And the next classroom. And the next. I searched every corner of those high school hallways, just hoping to catch a glimpse of Dallas somewhere so I could share my big revelation with him somehow. But I was either walking the halls too early or too late to run into him. Unlucky, I know. But Id still see him at soccer practice, right? So, it's not like I'd have to wait all that long to see him again. I just wish that I could have talked to him while I was still enthralled with this new epiphany of mine.
I think I may need to come out of the closet.
I can't believe that I just thought that...but I didn't want to take it back. I mean, what the hell am I hiding for? More importantly, what am I hiding from? The other guys on the team will deal with it, right? So will the coach. So will everybody else in school, and my parents, and my extended family. Once they see how utterly, unapologetically, HAPPY I am to be with Dallas...they won't have much of a choice than to accept it and move on. I'm starting to wonder what I was so worried about in the first place. It's not like I'm the first gay boy in world history, and I won't be the last. It's ridiculous to think that I might make Dallas feel strange or abnormal about us taking a shot at being together. Even more ridiculous to think that anyone else has any right to give a shit.
I'm feeling kind of inspired right now. I like this feeling. Hehehe, makes me stand tall.
It was a torturous experience, trying to wait until the end of the day before I could see Dallas again...but I made it. And I rushed downstairs to the gym locker room to get changed for practice. Got my cleat shoes wiped off a bit, and kept my head peeking around the corner to see when my new boyfriend was going to come and join the rest of us.
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Where are you? Awwww...the day has been soooo long without you! PLEASE hurry up!
"Dallas, my man! What's up?" Peter said, giving him a high five. And Bruce was quick to move in and give him a solid 'bro hug' shortly afterward.
Omigod, omigod, omigod! He's here! Hehehe! It was like seeing the biggest celebrity in the whole world walk into that locker room as far as I was concerned. And once everybody gave him the appropriate greeting for squading up with the rest of us for the afternoon, Dallas sort of gave me a shy look and a smile...softly saying, "Hey, Trey. S'up?"
"S'up?" I said, just as softly, my breath caught in the back of my throat as I was forced to gaze into those brown eyes again. I started to giggle for no reason at all, and Dallas must have found it contagious as he began to do the same.
I don't think any of our teammates were paying close enough attention to really think anything about our interaction was any different than it would have been on any other day. But they probably would have if I lunged forward and started smothering Dallas' face with frantic kisses and screaming 'I love you' over and over again like I really wanted to.
We shared a silent moment with one another, and then...as the other boys began to get undressed and change into their uniforms, I saw Dallas look away and head over to the empty part of the locker room so he could do the same. "I'll see you outside. K?" He grinned, and then he walked over to put his backpack down and open his locker around the corner for the rest of us so nobody had to worry about him pervving on them while they were half naked.
It just...it bothered me. You know? I mean, something about that whole thing always bothered me...but it pinched that nerve a little harder today. Why should he have to change away from the rest of us? I mean, are we a team, or not?
It only took a few seconds of thought before I walked back to my locker, grabbed my uniform out of it, and then walked around the corner to where Dallas was changing. Hehehe, he was already down to nothing but his bright red boxer briefs, no T-shirt...and he sort of jumped and covered up for some weird reason when I came over. Hehehe! Oh wow....his long soccer legs were soooo firm and smooth. I could lick those legs like an ice cream cone all day long if he'd let me.
"Trey...what are you doing?" He asked me.
I just smiled and told him, "I'm getting ready for practice. That's what." I took my shirt off, and I noticed his eyebrows raised up a little bit when he saw me topless. Hehehe! "You don't mind, do you?"
I think Dallas was impressed. And he said, "No! Not at all! Ummmm...go ahead. I won't look. Promise."
"Hehehe...now where's the fun in that?" I said, and it made him laugh.
I'm starting to think that coming out is going to be a lot less of a big deal than I ever thought it would be. And I look forward to it. I really do.
If it means being with my favorite blond hottie? I'll give it a shot. Who wouldn't?