Wednesday - Well...tomorrow's the day.
Tomorrow is the day that I practically sell my body and soul to Bobby Jinette. All for a chance to spend some quiet time with my boyfriend.
Should I be 100% honest here, or should I not write this down? Shit...what the hell, right?
I want to be scared. I want to feel guilty and stupid and confused. I want this to eat away at me so badly that I can't even SLEEP when I think about it! Because if it felt THAT bad inside, I'd develop some kind of conscience and back out of this fucked up deal once and for all without ever looking back. I could push Bobby right out of my life, come clean with Brandon, and get this big fucking ton of emotional bricks off of my shoulders! That's I need to feel bad. That's why I need to be ashamed of ever agreeing to this.
But you know what? I don't.
To tell you the truth, I'm actually kinda 'excited' to be with Bobby again. Almost ANXIOUS. From the moment I opened my eyes in bed this morning, I've been thinking about sinking my meat so damn deep into Bobby's ass! I've been remembering what it was like to have all of that tight, heated, muscle, gripping my shaft and vibrating as Bobby whined and whimpered and pushed himself back against me as though he were trying to get me to sink even deeper. I've been licking my lips, thinking about sucking him off, and touching his baby smooth legs, and making him giggle when I kiss him on the neck. I want our arms and our leg and our tongues wrapped and tangled up together again. I want to feel his mouth on me. I want to be 'worshipped' by him again, and have him taste me as though I was the hottest creature on God's green Earth! I want to fuck him in ways that I haven't even TRIED before! I've literally been trying to think of some, like...new positions or something that might feel good. Freaky positions...that require balance and coordination and flexibility! And occasionally an extra chair or kitchen counter top! I wanna plunge that tight ass in every room of the house! I want to fuck him outside in his backyard! I want to suck him off in a CHURCH! For crying out loud, I just can't help it! I spent seventy five percent of my entire day fighting off some of the most uncontrollably hard erections of my life! I couldn't even sit still for longer than thirty seconds without imagining him and I naked and horny again. I just....sighhhh...I don't understand my addiction to him! At ALL!!!
The ATTRACTION makes sense! I mean, Bobby is cute! And he's one of the hottest fucks that you could ever hope to have in your high school career, believe me! Add to that a sweet ass that even STRAIGHT boys stare at from time to time, hiding a longing to bury their hands in its spongy softness while licking it right up the middle...and you've got yourself one hell of a seduction to face! But...the ADDICTION? It's the addiction that baffles me.
I've already had him. I've already enjoyed him. And he was worth every sinful moment of it. But...why do I keep going back? I HAVE someone to have sex with! I have an emotional attachment with someone that I'm head over heels in love with, I have all the appropriate feelings and sensations and giggles happening, and even after all that, I've got Sam, Lee, and Simon to drool over if I just want a temporary escape. And I CERTAINLY haven't slowed down on my masturbation habits! If anything, I'm getting 'better' at it! So it's not like my body, my heart, or my mind, is doing without or lacking any kind of stimulation. I just....sighhh....God, I just fucking want Bobby Jinette soooo BADLY!!! I feel like I just *NEED* to fuck him as HARD and as OFTEN as humanly possible! It's making me NUTS that I can't just go over there right now and shove it in his mouth until I explode! Even with all the other stuff I've got in my life, there's something about him specifically that drives me fucking CRAZY! He puts me in a fever that practically makes me want to rip the clothes right off of him when he's not...you know...talking or anything. I can't explain it, but I am soooo turned on by the fact that he's available for me to just...USE him like that! You know?
Whatever. I don't know...I just...I felt that I had to put that in this book somewhere. It's time that I just came clean and admitted it to myself instead of hiding it behind more bullshit excuses. I was kinda hoping that making some kind of written 'confession' here in the pages of this journal would somehow end up looking so terrible to me that I'd be disgusted with myself and have to think about this with a much more rational mind. But no such luck. Not today at least.
And I still want him. More than ever.
Oh, I'm also hiding out from my mom tonight, which gives me a lot of free time to think. I guess I'm still kinda upset about yesterday. She didn't have to jump on my dad like that. He wasn't being a jerk, he just wanted to talk to me. I'm sure that he didn't need that. I know I sure didn't. My mom should just chill out and back off of him for a little while instead of trying to start a fight every fifteen minutes. I wonder why so many people look at me like I'M the crazy one when I tell them that the conflict just isn't worth it. I honestly think they WANT to be angry and hurt and just fuss and fight all the time. WHY? What's the point? What are you 'proving' by being a bastard to somebody else, even if they were a bastard first? Sighhh...I just don't get it. And you know what? I don't think I want to. I'd hate to be 'infected' by the same bullshit that's got everybody else trying to be 'top bully' on Mount Olympus. I like my position in life just the way it is. Fuck ups and all. Who needs to be 'king'?
Simon was extremely friendly to me today, which isn't really out of the ordinary or anything...but I made sure to take notice for some reason. You know...he's still really cute! Hehehe, I didn't forget...I just kind of ignored it for a while. We were talking, and I asked him if he wanted to hang out on Friday (I ALMOST said Thursday by mistake! But that's...um...Bobby's day!) We haven't done that in a long long time. I think he was really happy that I even asked. And that's a relief, you know? Because...having him know that I'm gay, having ANYBODY know that I'm gay, can be a really worrisome experience sometimes. I can't believe that he's so cool about it. You know, I wanna tell him about Brandon. I wanna tell him about Jamie Cross. Hehehe, I feel like I wanna tell him EVERYTHING, and just let it all spill out at once! It'll be AWESOME to get it all out in the open for once! I can't even imagine what it'll be like to say some of the things I write in this book out loud to somebody else...and actually have them talk BACK to me about it. That would be amazing!
I hope Simon isn't too squeamish about boy on boy sex stuff. Cause I'd kinda like to talk to him about that stuff too. We'll see. I'll break him in slowly.
Jimmy seems to be doing well these days, and his surrounding troop of high school girls are still protecting him just as closely as they always did. His sad days of being outcasted and weird seem like they were so long ago. I kinda miss being one of his only friends, you know? We used to talk more. But we've been distant lately. Maybe it's just that thing with Lee that's bugging him. That was pretty much the downfall of what we were building as a friendship. I'd like to get back in with him, but...I don't know, he's got his own thing going now...and Stacy...well, I know she likes me So being around her is awkward too. I doubt Jimmy thinks about me in the same way any more, but just the same, I don't think I want him knowing I like boys just yet. Maybe someday. Like, when he has a boyfriend or something. Then he'll probably just think back to the times we spent together and just laugh about it. I think if I told him know, he'd be mad. Or hurt that I lied to him. Or even worse, he'd restart that whole infatuation all over again and I'd have another Bobby on my hands.
ARRRGH!!! I can't stop THINKING about him!!! Ok, I'm gonna go now! I am hard enough to pile drive right through the sidewalk right now! I have to jack off again before it starts to hurt again! Shit...I'll write more tomorrow.
If I have the energy, that is.