Sunday - You know....
Sometimes you do things in your life...and you think that you're going to be ok, because it's meant to be harmless. It's not done with any kind of evil thoughts or bad intentions...it's just a stupid moment of selfishness where you ask yourself 'why not?' and can't come up with a convincing enough answer.
Well...that's pretty much how my day went today. Finding out just how hurtful those stupid little moments can be when you're forced to answer for them later on.
I don't even remember how late I stayed up last night, just making sure that everybody was out of the house, and that I moved the furniture back in place. Lee offered to spend the night, which now that I think about it...would have been awesome just for the chance to spy on him in the morning shower... ...Sighhhh....why am I always thinking about stuff like that?
Anyway, I told him it was ok. And he just helped me pick up some stuff before he left with his ride. I still couldn't believe that I had actually pulled off a big party at my own house and didn't totally get busted for it. But...I couldn't enjoy the glory of it as much as I wanted to. Not with Brandon...missing. So I went to bed with a heavy heart, and just figured that I could maybe call him this morning and ask him what was up. It was all I could do, you know?
This morning I moved all the furniture back and tried to put all of the pictures and stuff back in its appropriate positions. I went out to the front and back yards to pick up any beer cans or cigarette butts that I could find. I burned several of my mom's scented candles all throughout the house. I couldn't find any that matched, so the house smells like 'cinnamon ginger scented green apples growing on a pinetree'. A weird mix, but at least it doesn't smell like 70 sweaty teenagers. I had to mop the floor just because of the sneaker traffic in there, and took care of every water ring on every table in the living room. I just CLEANED that place spotless before the party, and now here comes more junk to take care of. Kids are MESSY, you know that?
So the house looks good, all traces of the party are gone, and everything smells like roses. The only problem after that was...finding out what happened to Brandon.
I um....I called his house.
I kept putting it off because I didn't know if it was going to be bad or not. Somehow, I psyched myself out by rationalizing that if Bobby had told him anything about what we did, he probably would have confronted me right away. I mean, Brandon wouldn't just take his WORD for it, right? What's to stop me from saying that Bobby was a total liar?
I didn't get an answer the first time I called. I tried again a second time...still no answer. I kinda figured that Brandon might be out doing something with his dad or something, you know? I mean, that had to be it. He had stuff to do with his dad today, and he just..left the party early. I thought that was a perfectly logical conclusion to come to.
But when I called the third time...
Someone picked up the phone, and slammed it back down. Like...on purpose.
It chilled me for a minute. I stood there with the phone pressed up against my ear, my mouth open...waiting. Waiting for what? I don't know. Waiting for some kind of definitive answer for a question I was too scared to ask myself at that particular moment. And then this big burst of emotion seemed to hit me all at once, and I got so scared that I actually dropped the phone. My chest felt ice cold, my stomach was fluttering, and if I didn't catch my breath soon, I was afraid that tears were going to start pouring out of my eyes.
I tried to come up with a million and one excuses...like...maybe I dialed the wrong number. Or maybe it was Brandon's dad, and he was trying to sleep. I've never met the man personally, but although Brandon never badmouthed him, he didn't sound like the most 'cheerful' guy in the world. Or...or maybe Brandon dropped the phone by mistake. And he'd be calling back any minute to say he was sorry.
Any minute now.....
But when it was all said and done, I knew deep down that there was a very good possibility that the cat was out of the bag, concerning me and my cheating.
Still...I HAD to know for sure! So I put my shoes on, and I left for Brandon's house, trying to keep my stomach from trembling so badly all the way. I held a silent prayer in my heart that everything was ok and that I was just blowing all of this out of proportion. But it was a hard sell as far as my common sense was concerned. This was bad. This was SO bad!
I was literally a pathetic jittery mess by the time I got to Brandon's house, and could hardly force myself to breathe right as I began walking up to his front door. I don't know how long I stood at the door...trying to gather up the courage to ring the doorbell. I was almost tempted to just turn around and run back home with my tail between my legs. I almost didn't want to know that he hated me. As if I could just walk up to him in school on Monday and say, "Hey, what's up?" and he'd forget the whole thing. That is...if there's anything for him to forget, of course. Uh! This is KILLING me! I figured I should just knock and get it over with, you know? At the very worst, I'd have to get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness. And I'm not above doing that for the prettiest, most amazing, boy in school, believe me.
Finally, I just took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and gently tapped my knuckles against Brandon's front door. I know it was too quiet for him to hear me. Hell...maybe I didn't even want him to hear me that first time. But with another deep breath, I knocked again a bit louder, and waited. I thought I heard footsteps, and tried to look through the little curtained window in the door, but couldn't see anything moving. This time, I pressed the doorbell instead. There's no way anybody inside could ignore that.
Still...there was nothing. So I kinda slumped my shoulders, and started to leave. But when I looked back up at the second floor of his house, I could clearly see Brandon standing 'pout-faced' in his bedroom window, watching me leave. I shouted up to him, "I rang the bell. Did you hear me?" But he didn't say anything. He just kinda...stood there with his arms folded. "Can I come in?" He rolled his eyes at me, and reached up to shut his window. "Brandon??? PLEASE? Can you just TALK to me?" I heard the window slam shut, and that paralyzing fear, finding justification through his actions, just started tearing me up inside. I raced to his front door again, and started ringing the bell like crazy, hoping to get him to talk to me. JUST for a few minutes so that I could explain! I rang, and I rang, and I rang, and I RANG, and I *RANG*!!! And then...his father answered the door.
He was a tall man, with a thin moustache and a white sleeveless t-shirt on. He was like, "Can I HELP you?" I mean, he was obviously annoyed with my ringing. He wasn't really a 'bruiser' per se, but he was somewhat intimidating as he loomed over me like that. Then again, ALL parents are intimidating in one way or another.
I said, "I...I was just looking to talk to Brandon...for just a few seconds?"
He called upstairs to Brandon, and at first he didn't come down, but after a second call, I saw him walking down the steps. His dad asked him what was going on, and he was just like, "Don't worry, I got it." And he walked out of the front door and almost bumped my shoulder as he passed me. His dad lingered for a few seconds while I turned around and walked after him, but then he went inside and closed the door. Brandon was walking away from his house and all the way out to the sidewalk. I had to practically skip sections of sidewalk to keep up with him. He was all like, "You shouldn't have come to my house, Billy. If my dad wasn't home, I would have let you STAY out here."
Like a total dumbass, I asked him, "What's wrong with you? What did I do?" I figured that I might as well play stupid just in case.
Brandon's all, "You KNOW what's wrong! You KNOW what you did?"
And I'm like, "No! What did I do?"
And he goes, "Why are you doing this? Why are you pretending like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about!" Which is really kinda nerve-wracking, because Brandon doesn't really swear all that much. It sounds so 'hurtful' coming from him in anger.
So I'm like, "Brandon...can't you just talk to me?"
And he turns his head away from me like he's gonna start crying, holding it in as best as he can, and I knew at that very moment that Bobby must have told him everything. He must have. "How could you do it, Billy? How could you have sex with Bobby?" There it was. It was out there, staring me right in the face. He was so hurt. So miserable. I should have lied. I should have said that it didn't happen. But he asked me, "Well? Is it true?"
And when I looked into those pretty hazel eyes of his, welling up with tears and stuff...it's like I just couldn't LIE to him! I could NOT look him in the eye and come up with anything other than the truth. So...I very slowly nodded my head in shame, and he sniffled hard as some tears rolled out of his eyes. So I bust out like, "It just sorta HAPPENED, Brandon! Honestly! I didn't even WANT Bobby..."
But then he's like, "So WHY did you sleep with him then???" He had to wipe his eyes, and I wanted to move closer but he stepped away from me. And when I put my arm over his shoulder he violently pushed my arm away.
I'm like, "I'm SORRY, ok? I'm so SO sorry, Brandon! I didn't want this to happen! The only reason he even said anything is because I told him it would NEVER EVER happen again! I told him about US! About me and you! And how that was too perfect for me to do anything stupid to screw it up, because I LOVE you, Brandon! I love you soooo much, dude, you HAVE to believe me!" I got so scared that tears of my own started welling up in my own eyes. But every time I tried to get close to him, he backed away from me. He was CRYING! I was making him CRY! I never wanted to do that! I never wanted things to go this FAR!
He's like, "Don't touch me!" But I WANTED to touch him! I felt like...like...if I could JUST hold him...JUST for a second...I could make things better. I could...'reconnect' somehow. And we'd be ok. But he shoved me off of him and kept me at arm's length. Then he wiped his eyes, and stared at me in disbelief. "Don't you get it, Billy? We're done."
I'm like, "No no no no...please God, no! Listen to me..." But....but he just wouldn't listen. He refused.
He said, "I don't wanna touch you. I don't wanna see you. I don't even wanna KNOW you anymore, Billy. I mean it." And he cried even more as he said, "I risked EVERYTHING for you! I was willing to change my whole life just to BE with you....and you just turn around and..." He got choked up, and started to walk back to his house. He's like, "Go home, Billy. Just go home." And before he closed the door, he told me, "Don't come back here. This place is off limits to you from now on."
So what could I do? I came home. He went in the house, closed the door, and after a few sad moments that I used to cry by his front lawn...I just...
And here I am at home. In my room. All by myself.
My mom came home from her trip, and didn't seem to notice much of anything out of place. Although she did find it awfully suspicious that I cleaned up the house so neatly. I didn't give her much of a chance to quiz me on what I did while she was away though. My mind was wrapped up in....'other' things.
It's not like I can really hide the fact that I've been crying all afternoon. My eyes are bloodshot and puffy as hell, my nose won't stop running, and I can barely put three words of conversation together without my voice trembling...but she thankfully just let me go to my room and cry it out. I just KNOW she's gonna bug me about it later, but for today, just this once, she let me be. And I appreciated that.
I wouldn't be able to explain it to her anyway.
Ok...I've gotta go. My eyes are starting to hurt from crying so much. And I know that I was stupid, and I KNOW that I deserve it, and I KNOW....I know Brandon's never gonna love me again....
But I never would have dreamed that it would hurt this much. I never knew...that...
Shit...I just don't have anything else to fucking say...