Sunday - You know....I can still taste him. I can still taste Bobby Jinette on the surface of my tongue. I can still smell his scent on my upper lip. I can still feel the tingle in the tip of my dick just thinking about him. From the second I woke up this morning, I thought about what it would be like to just....roll over in bed and be able to French kiss Bobby without even putting any kind of thought into it. I won't lie...the thought actually crossed my mind that it might actually be 'cool' to have Bobby be my permanent boyfriend. It's just....WEIRD, you know? Because Brandon didn't even enter my mind when it happened. I just....I woke up thinking about how good Bobby makes me feel. I woke up thinking that it would be SOOOO much better if I had a boyfriend who was....you know...available. A boy who was super sexual, and who wanted me so badly that he'd be willing to risk heartbreak to have me just once in a while. Someone who loved me so much that he'd be willing to let me and my boyfriend have sex in his house, even though he has strong feelings for me. I mean....does that mean that he loves me? And if he does...I mean...what if I loved him back? What if I really tried, and just kinda 'switched' boyfriends? Can you imagine how much mindblowing SEX I could have on an almost daily basis? How awesome would that be? To just wander over to Bobby's house and have multiple orgasms any day of the week and kiss and make out like CRAZY until I was literally breathless from it! Imagine that! We'd be, like, MARRIED, but on a temporary basis. I could go to sleep and wake up with him sucking me into his mouth. I could walk around his house completely naked, and I could bend him over any available piece of furniture and fuck him for all I was worth whenever I wanted to. And afterwards, we could just go back to school and be 'friendly' without anybody even suspecting that we were together. It would be, like....a total DREAM, you know?
But as I woke up fully and my senses came back to me, I realized that I should be better than that. I shouldn't be fantasizing about Bobby when I have a perfectly good boyfriend in Brandon. I should be thanking the stars above that I have someone so amazing in my life. I don't care HOW good Bobby Jinette's sex is or HOW hot his sweet.....juicy....delicious...ass is....
God, you know what? Next time, I totally wanna see what it's like to eat him out! I really do!
But...I have to be better than this. I need to have more control around him. Because if it wasn't for the hot sexual interludes, we wouldn't be together at all. Bobby would still be secretly staring at my junk from across a crowded gym locker room full of high school boys and keeping his lovey dovey feelings to himself. I really can't understand why I'm so confused about this whole situation. The answer should be SO fucking easy for me! You know? I should stop, and relize what is right and what is wrong, and just cut this stupid ass pseudo-relationship off before it fucks up EVERYTHING!
In theory...that should be the obvious answer.
But...laying in my bed today, morning wood harder than it's EVER been before, and the lingering flavor of Bobby Jinett's hot, thick, penis in my mouth....it just....doesn't seem that easy to me. I WANT it to be easy...but, when a starving man has a dead rat in reach and a steak that he can't reach...he's gotta survive, right? Omigod....did I just refer to Bobby Jinette as a dead rat? I didn't mean that. That's cruel. I'm just...confused. That's all. But I'm still trying to work things out for the best for as long as I can.
I just.....hope that I'm not doming myself to die alone. Because sometimes it feels like Brandon is the only one I'm ever gonna want this way. Ever. And I don't know if anyone else is ever going to mean as much to me as he does right now.
God....please tell me I'm doing this right.
Anyway, all that aside...I saw Sam today. And that little friendly meeting turned out to be somewhat....'disturbing' too. It's been a while since he's even been over to my house, and I guess that our awkward luncheon on Friday made gave him the impression that we could just....'slide' back into an easy fit again. But...the truth is...we didn't. Does that sound crazy, or what? I mean, I couldn't tell if it was because HE was different, of if it was because 'I' was different. There was something missing between us. No...not missing...it was worse than that. There was something wedged in between us that kept us from being as close as we used to be. And I don't think it was Joanna. As much as I'd like to blame her for it.
Sighhh...the truth is that after being with Brandon and being in love, after having sex with Bobby Jinette, after coming out to Simon...being around Sam almost felt like a step backwards. I hate to say that, but it's true. I didn't want to pretend to be straight anymore. I didn't want to be careful about what I said around him anymore either. It's not like I wanted to out myself to the whole world or anything, I just...I got used to being 'comfortable' around my new friends. And until I tell him, until I get the guts to say the words, I don't think that I'll be able to just 'be pals' again like we were before.
That's seriously fucked up. I've singlehandedly managed to exile myself from my own life. What am I gonn do? Only hang around other gay people for the rest of my life? How long will it be before I start inching away from my parents? I relly shouldn't be so selfish.
Anyway, I guess that Sam and Joanna went out somewhere last night, and they made out the whole time. To hear Sam tell it, it was the most amazingly hot and heavy make out session in Earth's history. He's convinced that he got to third base last night. Which...um...I don't exactly know how that whole 'baseball' analogy really works. But I think you have to remove some clothing to get to third base. I doubt Joanna let him get that far, and certainly not in public. Still, he seemed really excited. He thinks that this might be it. He thinks they're gonna start having sex soon.
Do you remember that really sore feeling you got in your chest when you first found out that there was no Santa Claus? How your heart just kinda dropped into your stomach, and you try your best to no let on how much it hurts to have been blatantly 'deceived' for so long? That's kinda what it felt like when he told me that.
I should be happy for him, right? I should look him in the eye and give him a high five for going the distance. But I couldn't. Even with my brain screaming at me, and saying, "HE'S NOT GAY!!! HE'LL NEVER BE GAY!!! GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!"....a big piece of me still considered him...you know...'mine'. She can't take his virginity. It's not for her to hve. Does she have any idea how long I've wanted to hold that boy naked in my arms? Does she have any concept of how many laughs we've shared, and good times, and late night sleepovers...how much TIME I put in, to be able to say that I had him first? It's not cool for her to just swoop down like some wicked witch on a broomstick, date him for a month and a half, and then snatch his goodies away from me. Where's the fairness in that?
So, Sam is like, "We're gonna get togther and ditch on Tuesday. Her dad is out of town, and her mom is gonna be at a conference all day in the next town. So we're gonn be all alone for the whole day! Dude, this is it! I can feel it! I think Joey's totally gonna let me score with her!"
And I just kind said, "Um..wow. Cool." Yeah...there's that pain again. He tried to get me more excited about it, and I tried to fake it for his sake. But it was really exhausting. It's not easy to force a smile to break through all of that misery.
Whatever. I mean, they're not gonna 'do it'. Joanna's not gonna just suddenly let him stick it in her. NO girls do. If they did, then every teenage boy would be walking around with a smile from January to December. Girls don't do that. It's one of the many reasons I'm glad that I like boys! So....I shouldn't even worry about it. It's not gonna happen. He'll probably go over there, and they'll make out, and roll around, and dry hump a little...and the second he tries to go up her shirt, he's gonna get rejected. And he'll spend the rest of the afternoon watching some dumb Hillary Duff Disney movie and cuddling with her on the couch while he tries to figure out a polite way to escape so he can go home and at least masturbate to get rid of the annoyingly hard rock in his pants. So I'm not gonna let it bother me.
You know, I really should be tking advantage of her rejections. If Sam is anything like me (and every other teenage boy in the world), getting stimulated and then being told no would drive him to hump anything that he can straddle. He'd hump a sandpaper teddy bear if he was horny enough. And that teddy bear could be me.
So, who knows? Maye I'll call him afterwards. Just to see what happened. Or didn't happen. Hehehe!
Well, that's pretty much all that I have to say about today. I got n email from Lee, and it was just a cartoon picture of a clown holding a giant lollipop. Hehehe, I don't know what the hell THAT'S supposed to mean, but it was cute coming from him. I haven't had a chance to really think up a good way to tell Brandon that we can use Bobby's house this week on Thursday. I kinda have to say, 'he said we could do it there', without saying 'because I fucked him in the ass'. But I'm sure I'll figure something out. I should really make it a point to tell him tomorrow, because I won't have many other chances to do so. It won't be too hard. I mean, it's chance to have sex somewhere clean, quiet, and private. What is there to question? He'll be so hppy to spend some time alone that he probably won't even care.
Still...I wanna have a backup story ready just in case.
Shit, gotta run! My phone just rang, and from the way my mom is talking, I can tell it's my dad. I'm gonna get out of here before she hands me the phone. I just really don't want to talk to him right now. Later...