Wednesday - This is CRAZY! Totally crazy!
Ok, so I just got off the phone with Lee, right? I mean, he just HAD to call me when I told him....wait, let me start over
So, you remember when I said that I had a relative that passed away? Well, I guess my mom is kinda obligated to be there with the family for the funeral this weekend. Which really bummed me out the second I heard the words leave her mouth, because I could totally envision her dragging me with her. Great, just what I need...teary eyed aunts and uncles patting me on the head and pinching my cheeks. Whoopee.
But THEN...she did something that totally caught me off guard! She gave me a CHOICE!!! Is that NOT fucking awesome??? She actually told me, "Well...Billy, you don't really have to go if you don't want to." Which I almost thought was a trick at first, but she totally meant it. And when I said that I didn't want to go, she was like, "If you want, you can stay with your father until I get back." Which...um...sorry, that didn't sound like such a great idea to either one of us. Especially with his gap-legged whore staying over there with him. (Ok...that was harsh. I just...ugh...I don't LIKE her!) So, she took a moment to look me in the eye before saying it out loud...took a deep breath, and asked me, "Billy, do you think you can stay home by your self for a day or two and not tear the house down?"
My answer had to be calm, had to be clear, and had to sound mature. EVEN THOUGH I FELT LIKE JUMPING RIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF!!! Ahem...so anyway, I said, "Sure. I can do that." I can't make it sound like I'm too happy to see her go, or she'll think something up. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...breaking my own daily masturbation record by, like, a MILLION...and all the dirty movies I can watch! It was sooooo hard to hide my excitement from her. I had to actually leave the room before I started smiling uncontrollably. Me...home alone, for two whole days. That was going to be bliss.
Which brings me to Lee, and his totally INSANE idea! He's been constantly bugging me about this party idea of his, and the second I mentioned my mom leaving town, he started jumping for joy. Now...I'm thinking, let me put the breaks on this before I even consider fucking up my first time home alone with no parental supervision whatsoever. I told Lee, "I can't just throw a party, dude! Are you mental? My mom will kill me! I have neighbors...they'll tell on me."
But no matter what I said, Lee was all like, "We'll deal with that later. It'll be small. We'll invite a few people to see what we're dealing with, and then taking care of the details will be easy." Why the hell is Lee so party crazy all of a sudden anyway? I mean, this is just not gonna happen. I don't care HOW badly he wants to do it. He's like, "So, who are you gonna invite? How many people? Do you want my buddy Rich to DJ? Because he really wants to do it. Are you gonna invite Jimmy LaPlane? Is he still not talking to me? I'd like to see him again...you know, just to let him know I feel awful about...well, you know...what happened and all."
He kept going on and on about it, and I had to tell him, "Lee...we are NOT having a party at my house. Ok? Are you hearing me? No party!" Which I totally meant, but Lee kept making me laugh, and that made it seem like I wasn't being serious. He's too damn cue to not giggle when he's being adorable! Arrgh! I'm telling him it's not gonna happen, and he's still thinking about music and snacks. He says that tomorrow is Thursday, and if we start spreading the word now, we can get a nice crowd by Saturday night. Which already goes against the whole 'keeping it small' concept entirely.
After a while, I got worried that he might actually make something like this sound 'appealing'...so I made sure to cut our conversation short. I put my foot down, and that was that. All I need is for my mom to find out that I had a giant nesting of savagely horny teenagers partying at our house while she was out of town. She'll stick me with a babysitter until I'm THIRTY!
Anyway, I had a bit of a weird altercation today with Bobby Jinette. As though ANY of my interactions with Bobby could be considered even remotely 'normal' these days. It started off with me seeing Brandon in the library as always, and we spent some quality time together in there. There's something really sexy to me about hearing him whisper in a library. His whisper is soooo soft and gentle on the ears. The way his sweet lips just form words, and the way he leans closer to you so you can hear...sighhh...it makes me wiggly inside to have him whisper to me like that.
Sorry, lost my train of thought.
So we're leaving the library, and Brandon's saying, "I think I need a haircut. This stuff is getting long." But it looks so CUTE on him though!
I'm all like, "No, you should let it grow a little bit. I think you look hot with longer hair."
And he's like, "Really?" And he tugs at it a little with his fingers, and I can see him blush a little bit from the compliment. "I don't know Are you sure? It feels weird."
And I tell him, "Yeah, I'm sure. It's definitely cute. I like it." I kinda reached up to touch his soft chestnut brown bangs instinctively, and didn't even really think about how utterly 'gay' that must look to anyone who might see me doing it. At that moment...it didn't really matter. Call it a brief loss of concern for anybody else than my baby. Hehehe, omigod...did I just call Brandon my 'baby' again. I'm totally giggling right now. That's so gay. I should stop being such a wimp about him...but...it feels so good to feel that close to him though. Really...he's just...he completely overwhelms every part me. Not in big obvious ways, but in the cute little details that I notice about him every day. The kinda stuff that I doubt I could find the words for. I can't even write it here...that's just how awesome the feeling of being close to him is. It's a miracle I can even remain standing You know?
He makes me feel so........sighhhh.....
Sorry. That's mushy an weird. I'll really try to stop doing that. I promise.
Anyway, me and Brandon were kinda off to ourselves in the corner, talking quietly to one another while I tried my hardest to keep from looking at his lips, because I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to control myself and would jump up to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him as deeply as I possibly can in front of the whole damn school. And that's when 'Bobby' got into the picture.
We were totally enjoying a quiet moment, me and Brandon, when Bobby walks over, all like, "Can I talk to you?"
I'm like, "What?"
And he's like, "I need to talk to you for a minute." Which is just annoying at that particular moment, because I was kinda enjoying myself, you know?
So I ask him, "What is it?"
But he looks at Brandon, and he's all, "Alone? Please? Just for a minute?" So I sigh to myself and have to walk away from Brandon just to find out what the hell HIS problem is. So I get a few steps away, and ask him what's the deal? He's like, "I got some free passes to this movie theater this weekend...I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me. And maybe after...you know...we could go back to my house or something." Normally, something like this would have been a minor problem, something to just make me feel awkward about telling him no. But today, for some reason, it just plain made me ANGRY! I mean, what the fuck? Did I NOT make it clear that we weren't a couple? Did I NOT tell him that I happen to LOVE my boyfriend? What is his problem, anyway?
I answered before I really took any time to think, and I was like, "No!" I think I said it kind of angrily, and Bobby cringed from my reaction.
He said, "No? What do you mean, NO?"
So I told him, "I mean no. Just like I said. I told you what my..." I lowered my voice to a whisper, and said, "...I told you what my feelings were. When are you gonna get the hint?"
He's like, "Billy, I'm just asking if you want to go to a movie."
And I said, "You know damn well what you're asking me, and I'm not doing it." I think it was about this time that I remembered that my boyfriend was standing no more than ten feet away from us, and that Bobby could let the cat out of the bag at any moment. So I offered, "You know what? Why don't you ask Jimmy if he wants to go?"
Bobby gave me the most fucked up look. He was like, "Why would I ask Jimmy LaPlane to go to the movies?"
I'm like, "Because! I mean, c'mon...you never know...he might really like to go with you."
But Bobby just said, "I thought YOU might really like to go with me." He seemed kinda hurt, but I was so upset that it didn't really do much to affect the way I answered him.
I just said, "Well...I don't. So, if you don't mind...I'd like to go back and spend some time with my boyfriend right now. Is that alright?"
Ok...so I was really stupid for doing that. I need to learn how to walk a much finer line in all this, because one hurt feeling from Bobby's side of the equation, and I'm going to end up fucking up everything I have with Brandon. I actually, turned on Bobby, and heard him say, "Well, fine. Fuck you then." And he walked off all pissed at me. True, I should have had a much better plan when it came to dealing with his constant infatuation with me...but, truth be told, maybe it's for the best. I mean, he needs to know that he can't 'have' me. It might hurt a little bit at first, but I can't imagine that he's gonna degrade himself forever, trying to get me to love him when I just don't.
I'm being a total asshole, aren't I? I never should have had sex with him. And certainly not more than once. I should have broken his heart clean when I first told him about me and Brandon. Stupid!
Brandon did ask me if Bobby was ok, but I told him not to worry about it. We were just having a disagreement, nothing major. I don't know...thinking back on it, I was kinda hard on him. Maybe I'll apologize to him tomorrow. And that'll give me a chance to bring up the fact that I really value my relationship and just don't want to damage it any more than I already have by cheating. That sounds like a mature conversation to have with him, right? He'll get it once I bring it to him in that way. He's got to.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. But I'll write more later. Take care.