Wednesday - You know....I thought that if you jacked off before you went to bed, then you wouldn't have any wet dreams. I could have sworn that was the rule! At least, that's what my cousin, Johnny, told me when I was 9 years old. Mind you, I had no idea what the hell a 'wet dream' was back then...or jacking off for that matter...but it seemed like an important thing to remember for future reference.
Evidently, it didn't work. Because I found myself washing my boxers and sheets at 7 am before school. Thank God my mom is a 'girl'. She probably doesn't know what I'm doing. I mean, girls are in the dark about these things, right? Yeah...they've gotta be.
Anyway....SUPER AWKWARD moment at school today!!! Dude, you have NO idea how badly I just wanted to shrink down to almost nothing and just disappear! I have definitely gotta find a way to keep certain areas of my life from overlapping like this ever again. My life depends on it! Get this...
So I get in line to grab some food for lunch, and Sam gets in the line right behind me. That's fine. It's normal. So he's talking to me the whole time as the lunch lady slaps down a couple spoonfulls of whatever bastard animal they had made into a stew and happened to be serving today...and we naturally walk out to our usual lunch table. So I take two bites of my sandwich...and when I look up...Brandon is coming over to sit with me! I knew we kinda agreed to be together in school without worrying so much about appearances and all, but I didn't think he'd come back to lunch the very next day. I was MORE than happy to see him there, but he instantly got nervous when he saw Sam sitting there in front of me. He kinda slowed his pace down, and was walking over like he kinda wanted to avoid the table entirely and sit somewhere else. But Sam was in a pretty good mood today, and I was sure that I wouldn't have to provoke him to play nice. Besides, with me sitting right there, Brandon was safe. From Sam, from burgulars, from falling meteors...whatever. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt my baby. Hehehe!
Brandon sat down next to me with his head down, and Sam kinda looked at him strange for a sec, but then just said, "Hey. What's up? You're Brandon, right?"
And he was like, "Yeah. Hi." Awww, Brandon makes me so WEAK inside when he's being shy!!! I wish I could have kissed him right then!
Anyway, things were a bit strange as we were sitting there. Brandon was scared to say much of anything and be himself, and with Sam sitting right there, I didn't really have any way of comforting him without it looking...'weird', you know? But here is where it gets WORSE! Because, just as my mind was figuring out a way to carefully divide my conversation between my best friend and my boyfriend...Bobby Jinette fucking comes over to the table TOO! It shocked the hell out of me, but evidently he 'wanted to see me' today. That's exactly how he said it. Shit! I thought I was gonna pass out!
Ok, so, he kinda sits down next to Sam...and I'm sweating bullets at this point! Here I am, sitting at a cafeteria lunch table in front of most of the freshman class...with the boy I slept with, the boy I always wanted to sleep with, and the boy I hope to get to sleep with someday soon. Maybe that wet dream was an 'omen' for something bad. I could hardly speak. And I certainly didn't want them speaking to each other. Omigod, I don't think I've ever had a longer lunch hour in my life. I nearly lost my mind trying to keep things under wraps. The thing is, I can't let Sam know about me and Brandon. And I REALLY can't let Sam know about me and Bobby! And even though Bobby knows that Brandon and I are friends, Brandon doesn't know that Bobby and I have been...um...'friendly' too! And I don't want him to know either! Then again, I wonder if Brandon still thinks I have a thing for Sam? I wonder if Sam is gonna figure out that I have a thing for Brandon? I wonder if either one of them is gonna realize that I HAD a thing with Bobby? Or if Bobby is gonna think that I'm ditching him to be with Sam or Brandon? AAAARRRGHHHH!!!
I'm getting a migrane trying to keep this all straight!
The only thing missing was AJ, and a picture of me kissing Jimmy LaPlane on the mouth!
Ok, so I'm attempting to basically walk across a minefield of explosives here, and I was surprised that none of them really seemed to mind the others being there. So I was almost thinking that I could just stall long enough, and once the bell rang, I'd be able to get out of this whole thing clean. Then...the shocker!
Sam comes COMPLETELY out of left field...and he says DIRECTLY to Bobby and Brandon..."Hey, tell me something. Do you guys think Billy's gay?" WHAT??? WHY in the name of all things holy would he have to go and say some incriminating bullshit like THAT for??? I nearly sprayed the whole table with a mouthful of soda when he said that! The other two immediately tensed up and sat stiff without saying anything. Do they think I told? Do they think he knows? Or...or that he doesn't know, but he suspects? Or...Jesus Sam! Sam added, "For some reason, he thinks that he gives off some kinda of a gay vibe or something. What do you think?"
Both Brandon and Bobby gave me a little peek to see if I gave them some kind of signal as to where to stand on this. Brandon was blushing harder than anyone that I've ever seen! And Bobby's eyes were wide for a moment before he shot his gaze down to the table top. I gently shook my head back and forth, hoping that they'd get the hint. And finally, Bobby said, "Nah. Not Billy. He doesn't seem the type."
Brandon suddenly let out a giant breath of air, and some of the tension in his shoulders melted away. He then added, "Yeah...I...I don't see it either."
So Sam was like, "You see? I TOLD you...you've got nothing to worry about. This kid is so silly sometimes." And for the remainder of the period, I tried to keep my stomach muscles calm enough to keep from barfing my food back up on my lunch tray. That was the closest I've ever come to a full blown heart attack, and I don't wanna go anywhere NEAR one ever again! From now on, those three boys are going to stay as far away from one another as humanly possible! NO MORE GROUP CONTACT!!! EVER!!! I'm STILL shaking!
I never thought this would be so difficult. I thought...you know...you fall in love, you have some sex, and then everything else just kinda falls into line. What's with all of these little complications that keep popping up? I've gotta be doing something wrong. I must be a complete idiot to get something as easy as 'love' all screwed up.
Oh yeah, and the cherry on top of my day? It was Wednesday, and that means that today was supposed to be my so-called study date with Simon in the student center. Psh! Whatever! Like I said before, I really didn't have any plan of ever running into him ever again. To hell with that homophobic piece of shit. I can't believe I wanted to actually SLEEP with that guy.
Well...I mean, he's still kinda cute and all. But he treated me like shit, completely turned his back on me. Why should I go see him for help in a class that I'll pass just fine without him, right?
Ok, so I walk out after school, and I totally ditch him. You know what happened? When I got home, my mom was there with a frustrated look on her face. And before I could even kick my shoes off, she's like, "I thought you had a tutoring session after school today." But she said it in, like, this 'accusing' kinda way, you know?
So I'm like, "Oh yeah. You know what? I completely forgot. I'll go back in on Friday." Yeah, it was a lie. So what? I just don't wanna go. It's not like she can MAKE me go.
Then she says, "You forgot, huh? Well, that's ok. Because I made sure to take care of things myself."
I gave her a weird look, and I said, "Take care of 'what' things yourself?"
She's like, "Your tutor, Simon, called the house, Billy. He said that you didn't show up for your first session, and that your teacher told him to make sure to call if anything happened to go astray. You know...just in case you forgot." Then she actually told me, "I told him to come over here instead and that you two could do it right here in the dining room. So get your books out, he's on his way." What the hell did she do THAT for??? FUCK!!! Then she says, "I also told him that his bus fare here and back to house afterwards would be taken care of. Which means that one of us is going to pay for his trip. Take a good guess which one of us that is gonna be?" She set up the dining room table and that was it. She didn't even take the time to see the anger on my face. Nobody can totally betray you like your own mom. I stomped away from her and slammed my bedroom door, but she didn't even bother to indulge me in an argument. There was really nothing that I could do, except pout it out until the doorbell rang.
And it didn't take long, either.
My mom called out to me when Simon got there, and I didn't even want to leave my room at first. But when she said my name the second time, there was clearly a 'determined tone' to it. Which means...basically...do or die. So, with an angry sulk, I finally swung my door open and came into the living room, where Simon was waiting for me. He was looking all stupid and geeky, with his glasses and knapsack. What a fucking DORK! Why did she have to invite him over here? I couldn't even fake a pleasant look to give him when our eyes met again. My mom set out soe snacks on the dining room table for us, and she left to go into her room and give us some space. I don't know what for? It's not like Simon would ever let me 'touch' him or anything. I'm surprised that he wasn't too disgusted to even come over.
As soon as she left, I told him, "You know, you've got a lot of fucking nerve calling my mom just because I didn't show up to your little study session. What are you, a BABY?"
He's all like, "Your science teacher told me that if you didn't show up for your session, I had to call the house and find out why. I have to write these things down and report back to her later if I'm gonna get any credit for this, you know?"
And I said, "SCREW your credit! You were trying to get me in trouble!"
But he wrinkled up his forehead and said, "Don't flatter yourself, Billy. Despite what you may think, I don't really care if you get in trouble or not. I didn't necessarily ask for this either."
And I'm like...SO mad that he had the nerve to act like he didn't care. I said, "I know you didn't. You already decided not to ever speak to me again. So why would you wanna come over anymore?"
And he said, "Never SPEAK to you? I speak to you all the time. I LIKED coming over here! You're the one who got all weird on me and started treating me like you didn't wanna have anything to do with me anymore."
"WHAT?" I said. "You TOTALLY got that backwards, dude! You started shrugging away from the second you thought I was...that I might be..." Shit...I couldn't believe that I almost said it. I mean...the words almost slipped right out of my mouth and into the open air. I had to stop myself and cut my sentence short. Simon looked for me to finish.
He was like, "Thought you were what?"
And I said, "Forget it." But he asked me again, and I was just like, "Forget it! Just...do whatever you've gotta do, and go home already."
Simon got all aggravated and just tossed his books out on the table so we could have ourselves one very angry, tension filled, hour of studying science. But, before we started, he said, "You know what I thought you were, Billy? I thought you were different. I thought you were my friend. You're just like the rest of the popular kids. You don't care about anything."
I don't really care what he had to say at this point. I just opened my book and said, "Whatever. Let's just get this overwith." And that was it. All of our talking was pretty much mandatory from then on out. Stupid school stuff. I was happy to give him the money to get the hell out of my house. What is he even talking about, anyway? Thought I was a friend. Fuck him. He's the one who was acting strange. So he can bite me.
Anyway, all and all, it was a pretty dismal day. But tomorrow should be better. I called Brandon and told him that we were going somewhere else to eat lunch. I think he was relieved. I can't imagine that situation was any less frightening for him than it was for me. Oh yeah...sighhh....right before he hung up, he says, "I'm gonna be thinking about you tonight. K? I love you." I mean, he whispered it really low, so his parents would hear him from the other room. But...he just...he has the sweetest way of catching me by surprise with stuff like that sometimes. God, I love that boy!
I've gotta run. Hehehe, Lee just sent me an email picture of a farmer guy standing on a stool, fucking a cow! Hahaha! Not a cartoon either! An actual live PICTURE! Where the hell does he GET this stuff? Geez, he even makes THAT look cute, just because he sent it! Weirdo!
I'll write more later.