Monday - I had this weirdly pleasant dream that one of our substitute teachers turned out to be a Terminator cyborg from the future. And he chased Stevie down in the street and unloaded a whole ammo clip into his face while everybody in school watched, and laughed, and just plain cheered for his demise. And while that may have fulfilled some kind of wildly psychotic need for me to really hurt him for being Brandon's new official boyfriend...it didn't solve the problem. Not hardly.
When I woke up this morning, my chest felt like it had been hit with a sledgehammer. There was a time in the shower where I actually had to hold my breath to keep from crying. But I tried to stand up and ignore the emptiness anyway. I mean, there's still a chance that it just doesn't work out, right? Maybe Brandon will bounce back eventually Ugh...but what if they have sex first? Like, what if Brandon gets all 'tainted' by having Stevie's naked body rubbing all over him. His mouth all over him and stuff. I don't want Stevie to touch him the way I did. Or kiss him the way I did. I don't want him to enjoy the wondrous curves of him, or the softness of his skin, of the sensation of having him whisper softly in your ear.
But I guess that's what he went through when he found out about Bobby Jinette. Which means that this isn't something I can just 'put back together'. Not by a long shot.
I saw them both when I got to school today. And already I could see a bit of a change in them. They walked a little bit closer to each other, they sighed a little bit more often, they smiled and giggled with the secret of their newfound love. To say that it was painful to watch would be an understatement. Brandon looked up and saw me, his eyes giving me this pathetic 'poor Billy' look. Do you know how lame and lonely it feels to have someone you love give you that look. It makes you feel so small. Then Stevie sees him distracted, and he was smiling for a second but when he looked over and saw me in the distance, his smile went away. And HE started giving me that pity look too. A million times worse getting it from him.
But, again, I kept my chin up. And I sorta gave them a nod to sorta...I dunno...give them my blessing, I guess Which would be a total LIE! Or maybe it was just my way of accepting defeat. Which would also be a total lie! All I know is that I didn't want to talk to either one of them. So when Brandon started to walk in my direction to 'see if I was ok', I was already rapidly looking for an escape. Before he even got two words out to me, I said, "I've gotta run. I need to buy some stuff for my next class, so I don't have time to talk. Sorry."
He was like, "Billy, can we just..."
But I said, "No really, I can't stay. But hey, congrats to you both. K? I mean it. I was a punk yesterday, so...yeah. I wish you guys the best." It hurt my heart to say it. I literally felt my heart twisting and tearing inside my ribcage. My voice started to tremble a bit as I looked over at Stevie and gave him a little bit of a wave. He waved back, but still looked at me like a baby bird with a broken wing. "Anyway...um...yeah. Bye." I said, and I had to pull my eyes away from Brandon's gorgeous hazel eyes long enough to make my exit before he had anything else to say. I mean what could he really SAY, you know? Seriously.
I just got an instant message from Lee on my computer. Normally that cheers me up right away, but even though he's being cute as always..it's not really enough this time. He asked if I wanted to jellybean factory with him tomorrow after school. Which isn't so much a 'factory' as it is a big store with, like, a million different flavors of jelly beans. I actually turned him down and said that I had homework...but you know what? I might just change my mind on that. Lee might be what I need to keep from feeling so hurt by all this.
Anyway, so I went to lunch with Sam and Joanna today. Mostly to sulk and to pout and then pretend like I didn't want them to notice. Don't know why that's so comforting...telling people you're sad and then telling them you'll be ok, when you have no idea if that's even remotely possible anymore. But for some reason it is. They try to cheer me up, and I keep batting away their attempts until they find one that works. It's a selfish game, believe me, I know. But like I said...there's something comforting in it just the same.
The bad thing was, I think Sam was in this really lovey dovey mood today, and he was trying to hug and kiss his girlfriend the whole time. But I could tell that Joanna was kinda trying to hold him back from doing that...which only succeeded in making me both jealous and guilty at the same time. And that's never fun.
I told Joanna what happened, and she said, "Omigod, Billy, I'm so sorry. Don't give up on him just yet. You never know."
Great. More pity. I said, "No...I think he really means it this time. I think he's really gone."
Sam stepped in and said, "Dude, you'll be ok. There's like hundreds of other guys you could be with." And he was being sweet when he said it...but I don't think he really got it. He has his choice of hundreds of other girls maybe, and as cute as he is, he could probably date any one of them. But it's different when you're...well...'different'. He doesn't know what it's like to be so odd and alone. Or what it's like to finally find a light at the end of that tunnel...and have to go BACK to being alone. There are NOT hundreds of other guys for me to choose from. There's a very select few that are actually into other boys Even fewer that would be into me specifically. And for me to really like them too? It's like trying to hit a single strand of thread with a baseball from 20 feet away in a high wind. Brandon was PERFECT...he had everything. And now...he has Stevie.
When the two of them came into the lunchroom, I almost felt sick. But I refused to pay them any real attention. I bit my bottom lip, and just kept my back turned to them. I even tried to engage Joanna and Sam in as much conversation as possible to keep from hearing them laughing together. But none of it helped. I could still sense their combined presence in the room around me. I could still hear Brandon giggle occasionally. It was that really bashful flirtatious giggle he used to make whenever I told him I loved him and it caught him by surprise. It was so light and shy and...'pretty', just like the rest of him. But despite the pressure, I refused to leave. I wouldn't do it. So I sat right there and took it, hoping my heart would build itself a thick callous from the exposure to the pain.
If this is gonna be permanent, I might as well get used to it.
One other thing that I noticed today was how...extraorinairily afectionate Sam was being towards Joanna today. I mean, we didn't talk this weekend...but from the way Sam was 'cuddling' her the whole time, I think they've been having sex again. You can just kinda tell by the amount of times they 'touch' each other in a five minute period. Even when Sam tried to tone it down for my sake, I could see him holding her hand and rubbing her fingers tenderly under the table. And when I got up to get a few extra napkins, I hadn't even pushed my chair back all the way before he was kissing her on the cheek. I figured that I was being more of a nuisance and a downer than anything else to the two of them. So...even though I had planned to stick to my guns and not leave the lunchroom early, I made up some excuse about needing to make some photocopies ion the library, and I took off.
Joanna was like, "Call me and talk to me, Billy. Ok?" Whatever. If another boy can't understand, how is she supposed to?
Yeah...you know, I think I'm gonna cut this short today. I'm gonna write Lee back and tell him I change my mind about tomorrow. At least I'll be able to have a few laughs.
G'night. And to Brandon...I hope you're happy. Even if it's with somebody else.