Sunday - They keep settling in more and more every minute of the day, you know? Good feelings...bad feelings...I can barely tell them apart anymore. I think I probably wasted 90% of my day, string off into space and trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do with the Bobby Jinette situation. I couldn't believe some of the things that I was entertaining concerning him and Brandon. Maybe it's selfish....oh what am I talking about, of COURSE it's selfish...but my mind kept trying to work out a safe way to have them both at the same time and never get caught. It's not that I don't know that it's totally wrong...I just...I honestly love having sex with Bobby. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't believe that I have been lusting over that hot piece of ass since the first day I caught him staring at me in the boys gym locker room...and that I actually got to penetrate that tight ring and feel those awesome bubbles pressing back against me. I don't think God himself could have ever created a more perfect set of cheeks. Giving him an ass like that is almost unfair to any gay boy trying to stay faithful to someone else.
Ok...so what if I just stop? What if I completely shut down on Bobby and refuse to even talk to him anymore? He can't use his sex to tempt me if I don't talk to him, right? Arrrgh....but wait...what if I stop talking to him and he gets hurt? I just had SEX with him! Willingly! Knowing that I had a boyfriend. If he gets hurt or he thinks I'm being mean to him...he could tell Brandon everything. He could ruin everything. I'd like to think that Bobby was above revenge, but I would have thought the same thing about Jimmy before him and Lee went their separate ways. So...the whole shutting down thing is out.
I could try to reason with him. I mean Brandon is Bobby's friend too, right? There's gotta be a pinch of guilt in Bobby's heart somewhere that feels bad for sleeping around behind Brandon's back. Maybe I can appeal to that side of him and just get him to reconsider. He can't love me THAT much.
Then again...what if...he really did keep everything a secret? Geez, that sounds so bad. But I'm trying to be honest here. I could be having the best sex that I ever had, EVERY weekend while Bobby's parents are away from the house, fucking the tightest most amazing ass in existence...and when it's done, I can still go back to my boyfriend, and get all of the warm and tender feelings of love that I've been searching for my whole life. I mean, Brandon is the PERFECT boyfriend, and Bobby is the PERFECT lover, and where Bobby falls short, Brandon can fill in. And where Brandon falls short, Bobby can fill in. I'd literally have it all.
Don't worry, I'm not that stupid. It's an awesome fantasy, sure. But for me to think for one second that something like that would actually work out is insane. It's a television sitcom plot at best. I might as well try just telling Brandon that I had sex with Bobby, convince him of how good it is, and have all three of us get together for a teen orgy every Saturday afternoon.
Whoah...hehehe, that idea just played itself out in my head...and it was HOT! I seriously need to smack myself sometimes.
Anyway, my mind went back and forth over this whole thing, and I just don't know what I'm going to do. I can't break Brandon's heart, I need him. What Brandon and I have is 'real'. We can talk, and laugh, and lean on each other for support. We're just now reaching a point where we can be truly comfortable with the idea of being a couple. I don't have any of that with Bobby. Ohhhhh....but I WANT him, though! I want to lick and kiss and suck every inch of him, and hear him whimper my name as his soft body quivers in my arms. Brandon makes me feel like an angel...Bobby makes me feel like a god. And the more selfish and self centered and wicked I feel about the whole thing...the more it turns me on. I've just got to spend more time with Brandon so I can remember why he's so important. So I can keep it in mind and never stray from what I know is right for me. For us. I'll just have to depend on dumb luck as far as Bobby is concerned.
My mom seems to be slowly coming out of her room a bit more. We don't talk much any more. I kinda wanted to keep my distance so I didn't make her feel weird like I did before. She's coming around little by little, I guess I have to let her deal with it in her own way. While I'm curious about the situation with my parents, I really don't want to ever have to talk about it. Not to anybody. I don't even want to know what really happened...not fully. It's my parents. They're not supposed to be...'people', you know? They're the ones with all the answers, aren't they? Anyway, having her make breakfast and watch tv in the living room instead of being in the bedroom with the door closed was a bit of normality that I took comfort in. I guess I needed that. We had a few 'polite' conversations here and there, but nothing big. I just want her to feel better. I can't help her do that, but...maybe if I just stay out of her way, she can smile again. I miss seeing her smile like she used to...when dad was still here.
I did finally get another response from Lee today on the email I sent Friday. He didn't sound happy. He asked me if he could call, and I didn't really know if talking on the phone was covered in the terms of agreement that Jimmy and I had worked out about this. He sent another message and said, "Please?" I can't believe that I even hesitated about this. This is stupid. Why should I feel weird about talking to my friend? I told him that would be great, and my phone rang a minute later.
The voice on the other side of the phone didn't even sound like him. Lee has the kind of infectious personality that makes you smile the entire time you're talking to him. I smile until my cheekshurt, most of the time. But that bubbly energy wasn't there this time. I think I hurt his feelings by backing out on the movie. He was like, "Billy, I really liked hanging out with you, but if you don't want to do it anymore, it's cool. I mean, I understand."
I'm like, "Lee...no way! It's not that I don't wanna hang out anymore. We always have fun together."
He says, "You don't have to make me feel better, dude. Like...I totally get it, ok?"
I had to stop him from getting down on himself. What could Lee possibly have to be down about? He's awesome. I told him, "I want us to be friends, I really do. It's just...Jimmy is still kinda heartbroken over that whole thing, and...I'm sorta trying to help him through it by not making it worse. You know?"
Lee said, "I tried to talk to him, Billy. You KNOW I did. But he wouldn't listen. He doesn't answer my emails, and he only uses my phone calls to curse at me. I just wanted to make things right."
I told him, I was like, "I know you weren't trying to hurt him, but he just needs some more time to stop being mad at you. That's all." I heard Lee sigh in such a painful way.
He said, "I don't want him to be mad at me, Billy."
And I'm like, "I know."
And he's like, "Can't you just tell him that I feel really BAD about it, and I want us to be friends again? I mean, I tried to invite him out with us. I didn't want to leave him out or anything. He's a great guy, I just...can't keep doing the sex stuff with him, that's all. And that's all he wants from me now." He told me, "I liked what we did, it felt good, but it was getting out of hand. So I had to stop. I thought we were just fooling around. I didn't know he was gonna take it so seriously." The whole situation sounded familiar. And when I thought about it, I realized that me and Bobby were in the same trap.
I didn't know what to tell him. Besides, my mind kind wandered back to Lee being naked and laying on top of Jimmy, buried in him and humping away...and it stole my concentration momentarily. Geez, that must have been sexy! Finally, I snapped out of it, and I said, "I'll talk to him tomorrow, ok? I'll see what I can do. Maybe we can all sit down and work something out. K?"
I don't know if it did any good or not, but Lee simply told me, "Thanks, dude. I miss you."
He missed me? What the hell does that mean? I didn't expect that at all. "I miss you too." I didn't know what else to say. To be honest, it felt kinda awkward. Every once in a while, I hear a little blip go off on my gaydar and wonder just how 'straight' Lee is, really. It never lasts for longer than a second, and I'm sure it's mostly just wishful thinking, but it's there. And every once in a while, he'll do something or say something that'll set it off all over again. Weird.
Anyway, I've got homework to do for tomorrow. I need to finish these workbook pages so Simon can do a review after school tomorrow. I've got a practice test with him on Wednesday, and I've only got one chance to get this right. So wish me luck. See ya.