Wednesday - Today was.....
Hmmm...I don't quite know how to explain it. Better than yesterday? No...well....yeah, maybe Just by a little bit. I just don't know what I'm thinking any more. Maybe I'll figure it out as I'm writing this down. Because it seems as if every time I get rid of one problem, another one pops up. But...but what if it's not really a problem? What if it's just...well, I mean, what if...
Ok, this isn't getting me anywhere. Let me start over.
I pretty much started off my day thinking that my morning woody was about as good as my day was gonna get. I was almost sorry to see it go down. Anyway, so I make it to school, and Simon goes right into asking if I'm feeling any better as always. Which I'm not, but I try to tell him that I'm fine just to keep it off of his mind. I think he's really just itching to tell me about his new pseudo-girlfriend of his, but he won't do it while I'm feeling down. So maybe that's a good thing.
I talked to Jimmy LaPlane today, who evidently had an EXTREMELY good time yesterday with Alex. So he enjoyed his 'date', and they wanna take things slow, but he said Alex held his hand the entire time. Like, right there on top of the table and everything. The way he went on about it with that dreamy look in his eye, I can honestly say that I was kinda...proud of him, you know? I know, I know...I've been avoiding Jimmy every chance I got and have been wrapped up in my own bullshit lately...but he just...
He really seemed happy. And when it comes right down to it, I think Jimmy has been through too much pain in his life to not sit back and enjoy some happiness every once in a while. So I guess I didn't mind basking in it with him for a while.
I don't know, I think this punishment of mine has just been affecting me more and more the closer it gets to being over. It's weird...but everything just kinda 'slows down' when you're not buzzing with TV and phone calls and running out to 10 different places at once. It gives you some time to think. Maybe that's the point behind it. Whatever. All I know is that once tomorrow is over, I spend some time with my dad, and hear my mom's 'I hope you learned your lesson' speech...I am officially FREE! I swear, it feels like I've been on punishment for two MONTHS now! Jesus!
But then...I had something 'refreshing' happen to me today. It just kinda...felt good, you know? I know that I tried to apologize to Bobby Jinette after detention yesterday, and he kinda shot it down...but he was a bit more agreeable in gym class today. In fact, he even smiled once or twice. The crazy thing is, as much as I wanted him to forgive me for being such an asshole, I really wished that he wouldn't look at me the way he does. I wish he didn't...LOVE me so much. I'm NOT that lovable. At all! What is it about me that he finds so fascinating that he just can't let it go? I wish I knew. Because the more he likes me, the more it hurts when I have to tell him no. And I HATE hurting people! On purpose, anyway. He'd be so much better off without me. He's gotta know that by now. He's got to.
Anyway, we had a bit of a 'moment' outside of detention today. I expected him to run out on me, but when he seemed to be lingering around a bit more, I told Trace that I'd see him later. Trace didn't really understand why I'd wanna talk to Bobby Jinette, especially since I had just 'beaten him up' last week...but with an easy going shrug of his shoulders...he figured that it was ok. He said he'd see me later, and grabbed his skateboard out of his locker to go home. I don't know what it is that intrigues me about him, but it's kinda cool. Maybe it's his ability to just not care, you know? It's a trait that I wish I had these days.
He's like, "Did you mean what you said yesterday, Billy?" I was kinda surprised he felt he had to ask, actually.
I'm like, "About being sorry for what I did?"
And he's like, "Well...actually, for what WE did. I mean, I thought about it...and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't try to kinda...'push' things in a certain direction every now and then."
But I'm like, "No, dude...I knew what I was doing. And it was really fucked up for me to drag both you and Brandon into such a bad situation. I wouldn't blame you guys if you decided to hate me forever for this." Bobby giggled a bit, and I think I saw him blush a bit.
He's all, "Don't be so dramatic. Besides...I told you, I don't hate you. I don't think I can. And if Brandon has any sense at all...he won't be able to either. Not for long." Some more folks walked past us as they came out of the detention room, and he said, "Come on let's go somewhere so we can talk. You wanna grab a bite to eat or something?"
The funny thing is, I kinda did. But I didn't come this far in my punishment to have my sentence extended for another week. I told him, "Um...I'm kinda on punishment still. For one more day. So...I sorta have to be on my best behavior, you know? Seriously, I'm not making this up. Ok?"
He just smiled warmly, and said, "Yeah. I believe you. Well, can I at least walk with you to the door?" And I nodded, and we walked through the hallways. He actually apologized to me for all the trouble he caused. He seemed so relieved to get it off of his chest. I guess this has been bothering him as much as it was bothering me. Maybe even more so with the heartache added to the formula. So the more he said he was sorry, the more I said *I* was sorry, and it almost became a game over who's apology was more sincere. We shared a few genuine laughs together over it, you know? REAL laughs! Me and Bobby never really had enough in common to really be this close, but today...it was like a whole other vibe between us. And I kinda liked that.
I had to ask him, as we approached the side door of the school, "Dude...why are you even speaking to me right now? You should be trying to cave my head in with a blunt object right now."
And you know what he said? He said, "I CAN'T stay mad at you, Billy. Really. I tried that, and it doesn't work. You've been in my life for so long, that even your WORST comments just roll off my shoulders like it was nothing." And then he's like, "I love you. You might not wanna hear it, and....that sucks, sure. But it's true. And it's not gonna go anywhere. So....the SECOND you come to your senses and want a boy to be yours for life....or even for just a little while...I'll be there. I mean that."
Fuck! I mean...what am I supposed to say to that? Why can't my feelings just transfer themselves over to Bobby and make me happy? Why can't I just start over fresh with somebody else and make sure that I do it RIGHT this time?
Probably for the same reason that Bobby won't let me go. When you really give your heart to somebody..you never really get it all back. It stays with them. And they stay with you. So whether Brandon comes back to me, or he curses my name for the rest of his life...he's still the 'prettiest' boy in school to me. And he always will be. My heart doesn't want 'somebody'....my heart wants Brandon. And I actually got to HAVE him! I got to really HAVE him! If I don't get him back...I'll ache for the rest of my life. I won't see any point in breathing at all without him. And I miss being able to keep him close Even if just for a few frustrating moments of confusion. Everything about him gave my life purpose.
I miss that.
We open the doors and are back out in the fresh air (Which seems sooooo much fresher after spending an hour in a stuffy detention hall with nothing but homework to keep you busy. And Bobby and I had to go our separate ways for the day. So he asks me, "Hey....when this is all over with...and everything isn't so weird between you and me...I'd really like to see you again, k?" I was hesitant for a moment, but he assured me that it wasn't what I was thinking. He's like, "Really, the 'other' stuff was...awesome...but I miss more than just that. I mean, can't we just be friends? Maybe hang out every now and then? I'll be good." He smiled, being all cute and....ARRGH! NO! I'm not even gonna write that here! I'm pushing it out of my mind right now!
And I'm like, "You promise no funny stuff?"
And he's like, "Hehehe...no. I might cop a feel every now and then. But I'll keep it to a minimum. For Brandon's sake."
I scoffed at him. "Psh! Whatever. The chances of Brandon ever talking to me are slim to none, dude. It's over."
He wrinkled his forehead for a second, as though I had no idea what I was talking about. And he tells me, "Billy...you're still selling yourself short. Nobody's gonna give you up. CERTAINLY not somebody that you're actually willing to give your heart to." He's like, "Brandon is crazy about you. A LOT of people are crazy about you. You just have got to stop pretending that you're not worthy of their love and attention. The more you doubt yourself, the more you'll make yourself unhappy. And then you go searching for people like 'me' to make up for what you think you're lacking. Truth be told, Billy...you're not lacking a whole hell of a lot. And even though I messed things up for you pretty bad...I'd be stupid to believe that I had any real impact on how Brandon feels about you. I should have known that from the very beginning. I just wanted you for myself. That's all."
I didn't want to make things weird or anything...but Bobby was being a bit hard on himself, I think. And I put an arm on his shoulder. He instantly hugged me around the waist for a second, and I said, "Thanks Bobby. I just hope you're right."
Then he's like, "God...you're hugs are sooooo orgasmic, Billy. Hehehe!" And he gave me a shove as we giggled a little over it all. And then I tried to hurry home for the extra few minutes that I missed hanging around the school.
It feels strange. Bobby doesn't owe me anything at all. If anything, I owe him a boyfriend. If only Jimmy hadn't run off and found somebody, I'd devote all of my attention to finding him somebody hot to be with After all, Bobby's really cute, he's really sweet...any gay boy in school would be CRAZY to not want him! Especially with that...that....**ASS**!!! (Sorry can't help it! I'm gonna always miss the tight grip of that tight ass! I don't care WHO I end up with!) I just wish I knew what the missing link between me and him that keeps me from being totally in love. It escapes me. Every time.
Anyway, I've gotta go. Lee just sent me TWELVE emails to ask me if he could buy me lunch on Sunday! Hehehe, what the hell is he DOING??? Weirdo!
Don't let the smile fool you...life still sucks. But at least it's a little bit better than yesterday. Yeah...definitely. Officially better than yesterday. Gee...I guess writing this stuff out DOES help after all, huh? Wild.