My One True Weakness

And lead the way she did, occasionally looking back over her shoulder at me and smiling with a little chuckle...which I thought was a bit weird, but as she led me out to the bleachers of the school’s football field and began to climb her way up the steps, I didn’t hesitate to follow. All while, hoping that she’d be able to give me a few hints and some insight on what was going on in Colin’s head so that I might have some sort of psychological weapon to use against him instead of getting my heart obliterated and torn apart like it was the last the few times that I tried this. That boy has no idea how deep my feelings really run for him. And maybe you can chalk that up to a boyish infatuation or a high school crush...but it feels an awful like love to me. I can’t even find a few safe times of day when I can stop thinking about him. When I don’t get this unfathomable rush of utter euphoria every time that I remember that he’s just ‘out there’...in the same world as me...being beautiful outside of my presence. It almost brings feelings of jealousy and disappointment to the surface, just knowing that his very presence in the world wasn’t created just for me. You know? It’s so weird.

Missy went about halfway up the steps on the bleachers, and then turned in to sit down somewhere in the middle of them, patting the spot next to her with a smile as I followed along and took my place at her side. I was a bit nervous, but the field was empty, and it was just the two of us out there...so I wasn’t too worried about it all. Especially when she greeted me with one of the most genuine giggles that I’ve ever heard come from another person before. Super cute and sweet, with dark skin and shiny braces, Missy seemed to be physically trembling in my presence, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to that. Then again...I never am.

“You really are friggin’ gorgeous, you know that?” She laughed.

“I’m not...”

“No...seriously, Russ...you are a total babe. Colin has awesome taste in boys, but I can easily say that you’d be one of his best picks ever.”

Blushing slightly, I was like, “I’m not sure what Colin might have told you, Missy...but I highly doubt that he’s into me at all. Ok? Like...not at all.”

But she shut me down with, “Listen...I know Colin better than anybody on the Earth’s surface...and you can definitely take my word for it when I say that Colin is probably more crazy over you than he’s ever been for any other boy he’s ever known. Like ever. He’s just...he’s being difficult. He has a tendency to be like that from time to time.”

“I’m not trying to make him sad or frustrate him, Missy. I swear, I’m not.” I whined softly. “Does he think that I’m not, like...” I stopped myself, and had to think if I wanted to say anything incriminating out loud or anything. But then just figured that her assistance in this matter might actually be worth it. Besides...she obviously knew about me. That was easy to pick up on. “...Does he think that I like girls instead? Like….over him.”

“Hehehe, oh no. He knows. I think that he pretty much picked you out from day one, to be honest. Way before I ever did.” She smirked.

“So...he thought I was gay this entire time?”

“Honestly...I never even believed in the whole ‘gaydar’ thing until Colin came along and proved to me that it’s totally a thing for some people. So...like...yeah. I’m pretty sure that he knew about you right from the jump.” She said. “I think that’s what bothered him so much about you being so nice to him.”

I could almost taste the disgust in the back of my throat. “But WHY though??? I’ve never done anything to deliberately HURT him! Or, at least, I wasn’t trying to. I was just trying to be a friend. Why does he hat me so much? Why dos he hate himself so much? Why can’t he just talk to me like a normal human being so we can stop going back and forth with these pointless mind games?”

“Shhhh...” Missy grinned. “...You’re still treating all of this like it’s somehow your fault, Russ. And it isn’t. None of it. And don’t worry, I’m working on him from my end too...it just takes time. That’s all.” She put her hand on my knee when she saw how stressed I was over the whole thing, and attempted to explain. “I’m guessing that Colin told you about ‘Ricky’, then?”

“A little bit, I guess. But it’s just not fair for Colin to judge me by the actions of the last random boy that shattered his heart into a million pieces just because he suddenly decided that he’d rather be with someone else and never reached out to talk to him ever again. I had nothing to DO with that!”

“Hehehe...shhhhh!” She said again playfully patting me on the thigh to calm me down. Then she got slightly more serious, and she told me, “Look...thing with Colin and ‘love’...he always wears his heart on his sleeve when it comes to the people that he cares about the most. He believes that if you don’t love ‘big’ enough...then that’s a failure on your part. And he was really trying to make the thing with Ricky work. He doesn’t take his infatuations lightly. If Colin says he loves you...then he really means it. He doesn’t just do it for personal gratification or to keep from being alone. It’s a win all or lose all situation for him. And to have that love and that trust betrayed? Well, it’s the most devastating thing that could ever happen to him. At least that’s how he sees it. It may seem unfair, sure...but sometimes I think that Colin’s heart is sooooo big that he simply can’t carry it all by himself. He needs help. And he doesn’t want to admit that, intense cravings and all.”

Feeling even more helpless than I did before, I whimpered, “So what do I do? If I try to approach him, he gets hurt. If I try to ignore him, he gets hurt. I’m starting to think that it would have been better if I was never a part of his life at all.”

Missy rolled her eyes. “Drama much?” She said. “Geez...if nothing else, I can honestly say that you and Colin are more alike than you can imagine. Ugh!”

I was confused at first, and then asked, “Does he….like….does Colin really like me?”

“Of COURSE he does, dude! Don’t be dense.”

“So...what do I do? What do I say?”

She gave me a serious look, and said, “Listen...what Ricky did to him by just vanishing without a trace or any closure on whatever it was that they had together is probably the worst thing that anyone could do to another person. It would have been better if Ricky had just told him to fuck off, or like, ‘I decided to find a hot young skinny blond boy to screw instead, so continuing this online bullshit is a waste of my time. Adios!’ At least that way, Colin could have been hurt for a while and gotten over it instead of constantly checking his messages to see if he ever showed up again to say goodbye. I’m definitely not down with that shit, and I think it’s just plain fucking RUDE when someone has their emotions all tangled up in your false promises of being there for him when he needed you most.” Missy said, clearly agitated by it all. “And because of that bullshit, Colin is going to waste years and years of his life trying to get over the deplorable damage that he caused trying to replace him with someone that he thought would be better. And to be honest...I hope he experiences one hundred more heartbreaks while attempting to find Colin’s pure love and affection in some other shallow piece of shit who will only end up treating him the same way, breaking his heart over and over again until he knows what it feels like.” Then she calmed down a bit, and told me, “But...you have a chance to remind Colin that love is real. And it’s not just for the sexy boy models that you see on Tik Tok or Youtube. You’re the one gorgeous boy that can save him from the hurt of thinking that he’ll never be deserving of that kind of attention. The one that can finally let him know that being himself is more than ok. After Ricky basically dumped him online...Colin slid into a depression so deep that I didn’t think that I’d ever be able to pull him out of it ever again. Russ...you have to understand...Ricky really REALLY hurt him. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him like that, and he cried every day while Ricky skipped off into the sunset with some other boy and didn’t even say goodbye. It was hard on him. It’s hard to take a rejection any more personal than that.” She said. “No reason. No warning. He took it to heart. And he was beyond certain that it was all his fault that it happened...just like you are now.”

“I don’t think that it’s all my fault...” I started.

But she was quick to say, “Yes, you do. And don’t worry...I get it. It HURTS. I know that it does.” Then she looked me directly in the eye and said, “Colin is so extremely heartbroken because he thinks things would have been different if he looked different, or if he acted different, or if he was cuter, or funnier, or if he had put nudes of himself online...anything to keep Ricky satisfied and wanting to come back for more. But...what happened between them had absolutely nothing to do with any of that stuff. It’s not like he wasn’t cute enough, or caring enough. Colin did everything that he was supposed to do. But in the end...Ricky just didn’t care. He ghosted him, and that was that. So, you know...good riddens. Who even needs to know why he did it at this point? It doesn’t matter. Colin’s heart was ripped apart and Ricky couldn’t care less.” She said. “Listen, Russ...I know that it’s unfair for him to judge you based on the actions of some jerk that turned his back on him and left him out in the cold without so much as a quick text or an email to tell him why. But his wounds are still fresh, and the very thought of falling in love with anyone ever again is a terrifying experience for him. Especially when it comes to, like...well...people like you. He’s got his defenses way up, but I can tell you, as his friend...that he’s nowhere near as invincible as he pretends to be. He’s already fallen for you. When you’re not around, he can’t stop talking about you and how incredible you are at doing pretty much everything. Colin doesn’t do that for every cute boy that he comes across. I haven’t seen him this flustered since Ricky came around...and if you can treat him better than he did, which is a pretty low bar to get over considering that he pretty much sent him spiraling down into a dark depression that took him almost an entire year for him to get over...then you’re in. You just have to find a way in. Because he wants you, dude. You have no idea how badly he wishes that a boy like you could be his boyfriend.”

“Again with that...” I grunted in frustration.

“With what?” She asked.

“The whole ‘a boy like me’ thing. Why can’t I just be a normal person? There’s nothing special about me. Like...at all.”

“Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? There’s a LOT special about you.”

“Well...I’d give it all up tomorrow to just have a typical conversation with another human being and not have them look up at me as though they’re beneath me or whatever. I never thought of Colin that way. I just want to talk, maybe flirt a little bit...work my way up to being worthy of his heart.” I said. “I’m not looking for praise and worship, Missy. I just want to be given a fair chance. I’d love to just share a few laughs and a milkshake with him once in a while. Hear him talk about comic books and show me his drawings. Maybe go out to a movie or something. But all he talks about is me being privileged and one of the cool kids and how he thinks I’ve lived this totally safe life free from ever being hurt or embarrassed. It’s not true. How am I supposed to get around his defenses long enough to at least give him a hint about how much I like him?”

Missy seemed almost as lost as I was at that moment, and she said, “I wish I knew, Russ. I really do. But for now...if you can just hang in there and fight the urge to avoid him whenever you see him...he’ll find the courage to open up again. I guess it’s just a matter of being patient enough to wait it out. But...if you run away from him, he’s probably going to take that to mean that he was right about trying to entertain the idea of him ever trying to find love again all along. I know that it sucks...but it’s going to be a struggle that you both have to deal with until one of you breaks. Hopefully, it’ll be Colin.” She said. “He feels...abandoned, Russ. He trusted someone with his sensitive heart, and he paid a heavy price for letting his guard down when he feels he shouldn’t have. It’s really not about you. K? I guess it’s just really hard for him to truly love anybody else when he’s still working his way back up to loving himself again.”

“I don’t know what to do, Missy.” I said softly. “There’s only so much punishment that I can take before my heart gives out too.”

“Well...maybe you two will just have to find a way to lean on one another for some added strength.” She said, and that’s when she looked at her phone to check the time. “Fifteen minutes til next period. You wanna get some candy or something from the corner store before we head back into the chaos of that godforsaken place?” Grinning, she nodded towards the high school building.

“Nah, I’m good. You go ahead.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.” I said. “I think I just want to sit here and be alone with my thoughts for a little while. Maybe prepare myself before I see him again. You know?”

“Gotchya. Well, I’ll catch up with you later...’Goldie’. Hehehe!” I gave her a halfhearted smile, but she put her hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle rub. “It’ll be ok. Seriously. You could never be a ‘Ricky’. I can tell you that. You’ve already won his heart...he’s just too afraid to confess to it yet.”

“Thanks, Missy...” I replied, and she stood up to sling her backpack over her shoulder.

“If he ever asks, this conversation never took place. Got it?”

“Got it.”

Then she gave me a cute little wave before walking back down the bleachers and heading off of the field to grab herself a few snacks before her second period class. And me? I was left trying to wrap my head around the idea that I had no idea how to ever get Colin to trust me enough to at least make a play for a piece of his heart. I mean...is this what I was signing up for when it came to looking for a love affair that would actually excite me? That wasn’t shallow? That wasn’t just based on somebody who thought I was ‘hot’ enough to fabricate some sort of sensation built illusion of romance for the sake of keeping me naked and close enough for kisses and butterflies in the stomach? It hardly seemed like much of a pursuit anymore. And it could hardly be called a gift or a privilege. I want a fulfilling experience in my life just as much as anyone else would...and all of the quick hook ups and flirtatious comments and easily achieved sexual encounters that I’ve had so far...they just don’t compare. They don’t.

As weird as this may sound, but I think I get more of a satisfying thrill out of this pain, this worry, this fear and confusion over what Colin’s thinking and dreaming about...than I ever did just taking a boy of my choosing home to share a few mutual orgasms with. It’s uncertain and it’s uncomfortable….but there’s a self sadistic part of me that kind of likes it. How weird is that?

I reached into my bag and pulled my cell phone out of the side pocket. And...with Colin on my mind, and Missy’s words being taken to heart...I looked at that last blasphemous note that I sent to Joey when I was feeling low and looking to slip back into my worst habits...

”Hey, Joey! I miss you babe. Maybe we can get together some time soon? What do you say?”

Why did I do that? WHY??? Maybe Missy was wrong about me. Maybe I am just another ‘Ricky’ waiting to happen...further destroying the sweet and lovable boy that Colin was, deep down inside.

I don’t want to be that person.

I want giggles and rainbows and a love that will shower me with glitter and sunshine every moment that I’m awake. I want Colin. And if I’m going to have him be that angel for me...then I need to be an angel for him too. And that means finally getting the stones needed to let Joey go. Once and for all.

I’m not mad at him or anything, and he might be hurt for a short while before he finds someone else to drool over in school...but I don’t just want to bail on him and not let him know that I’m moving on. I’m sure that he’ll be looking for me in the halls today, but we need to break up. Completely sever our ties and be done with it.

Colin and I might never get together...and even if we do, there’s no guarantee that we’ll be able to make it work for any length of time...but who would I be if I didn’t at least try, you know?

I’m going to be winging it from here on out. I hope that lady luck is on my side for this one...