Friday - You know...despite the awesome time I had tonight...I have this really sad and sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can't seem to get rid of. It's like...more than heartbreak, you know? It's like...this stupid feeling that I've been a completely moron for most of my life...and dammit, it just hurts. That's all. I wish it would go away. It's not like it's doing me any good. It sure as hell shouldn't be doing me any harm. I just....sighhh...whatever.
Anyway, before I get into all of that, let me just say that I think Bobby is getting the hint that it's over between us. What's worse is that I think the pain of it all is starting to sink in as well. Ad I don't really know how to stop him from being so hurt by it. Today in gym, it was like he was 'testing the waters' or something to make sure that it was true before he jumped to any conclusions. It had been a long time since Bobby had been nervous around me. It had been a long time since he didn't greet me with that adorable smile of his, or wait patiently for me in the hall so we could walk to the locker room together. It was strange, seeing him peek timidly at me a few times before getting up the courage to speak. Then, he finally said, "Hey, Billy."
I didn't want to blow him off, but I didn't want to get his hopes up either. So I just kinda said, "Hey." back to him, and left it at that. Which was followed by an uncomfortable silence that seemed to last forever.
Then he asked me, "So...did you and Brandon talk about whatever it was that was bothering you?"
And I kinda shrugged and said, "Yeah. I guess so." I didn't know what to say to appear, 'normal'. Or even friendly. Every minute of it was just awkward. I mean...just a few weeks ago, I had this boy's dick in my mouth, and now I can barely talk to him.
So Bobby tells me, "Well...if you ever wanna talk...you know...with me...I'll be around. K?"
So I'm like, "Ok. Thanks." And I try to go back to getting dressed, but he won't leave it alone.
He's like, "Or...I mean..you can just call me. Anytime. Like, even late at night. I'll be there. Seriously." I nodded, and he waited a second before adding, "Just so long as you're ok. Because...you know...I care about..." He started to say 'you', but then he changed his mind and said, "...stuff like that." instead.
I didn't know what to DO! I mean, he's practically forcing his own heart to break right in front of me. I'm not trying to hurt him, I'm just trying to fucking get dressed for gym. But when I nodded again and tried to just put my gym shorts on without furthering the conversation any, he seemed to get so frustrated with himself. It was like....he closed his eyes, and sighed while he tightened up his lips. Like he was ruining everything again. He didn't do anything wrong, I'm just....in love with somebody else. Somebody better suited for me. What Bobby and I had together was cool, and it was fun for a while...but it wasn't supposed to be forever. Not for me. Ugh, I feel like such a BASTARD for doing this to him, but I just didn't want to encourage him anymore. So I closed my locker up, gave him a halfhearted smile and a nod, and then I just walked out of the locker room to go to class. I was almost sure that he'd come trotting out right behind me like he always did...but he didn't. He just stood at his locker with this really pouty look on his face. When I looked back at him on my way out, he was staring at me with the most painful expression in his eyes. I can't get rid of that image in my head. Shit....I really fucked up. I really hurt somebody. I know you'll never read this, Bobby....but for what it's worth, I'm sooooo sorry. Please forgive me.
My tutoring session with Simon after school went surprisingly smooth. But....now even THAT bothers me! I mean, we sat down, we went over the lesson, I hurried to do the extra homework this morning in study hall, just so I'd have something to give him. Naturally, I got half of it wrong, and had to spend most of today's session re-learning the same damn worksheets that I should have been working on for the last two days. But...he never once gave me a strange look. He didn't ask me about being gay, he didn't ask me about Brandon, he didn't make any snide remarks or offbeat comments...nothing. Zip. Nada.
AND THAT REALLY JUST BOTHERED THE LIVING *SHIT* OUT OF ME!!!!!
The whole time, it was like...what the fuck is he trying to pull NOW? First he's all, "Blah blah blah, you must be gay! Blah blah blah, Brandon's probably your boyfriend!" And now he has nothing to say to me??? What kinda game is THIS? I kept waiting for him to ask me. I was so full of tension, preparing to defend myself just in case he was plotting on getting me off guard. But he didn't say another word about it, and now I'm more worried than ever. Goddammit! I swear...I'm gonna end up tying a cinder block to his ankle and tossing him in the lake if he keeps bugging me like this! Fucking trickster!
Ok...so...the party tonight....
I spent about an hour and a half getting ready for tonight. I made sure to shower until I was as clean as humanly possible! I must have been literally 'sparkling' when I left the bathroom. Hehehe! I put on some of my dad's Drakkar Noir aftershave (even though I don't shave...but it smelled REALLY good! I hope it lasted all night!), and I picked out the newest clothes in my closet to make sure that not a single color was faded! I wanted to look like I was ready for a red carpet Hollywood event tonight. I wanted to feel sexy, you know. The only thing is....I didn't know if I was doing it for Brandon or for Jamie Cross. What can I say? I've been in love with Jamie for so long that it's hard to let go of the fantasy, you know?
Brandon called me around 6:30 tonight, and I swear that I could feel my heart beating in my throat when I realized that we were actually getting ready to go to this amazing party together! Ahhhh! I was sooooo excited! And so was he....which only made me MORE excited! Which....well, you get the idea! Hehehe! It was awesome! And Brandon was definitely dressed up for the occasion too! He had on a navy blue button down shirt that seemed to really bring out the enchanting hazel color of his eyes, and a pair of fancy jeans that were fashionably dyed dark blue and faded light blue. Wow....if only you had seen him! He was SOOOO delicious tonight! He came over to my house, and my mom was in her room at the time...so I pulled him in really quick and kissed him on the lips! Hehehe, he giggled a the idea,and I kissed him again, but I kept my eyes open just in case my mom came walking around the corner. There is something so unbelieveably liberating about the softness of that boy's lips. You have no idea how they make me melt!
So, despite the urge I had to drag him into my room and rip his clothes off of him, we left for the bus stop shortly after he arrived and took the ride to Jamie's house. The closer I got, the harder my heart would throb and collapse in my chest. It got to the point where Brandon had to secretly hold my hand just to calm me down a bit. Then he yanked the litle bus chain thingy and we got off to go to Jamie's house! Omigod, you could hear the music from a few houses away! His parent's must have totally been gone for him to throw a shindig like this!
It seemed like half the high school was there! The upperclassmen anyway. Just walking up on the front lawn made us feel like celebrities! There were cars all over the street, and noise coming from Jamie's back yard, which meant there were a bunch of people outside too. We didn't even have to knock, the door was opening and closing every few seconds, and we just followed a small group of girls inside. The living room was COMPLETELY different from the last time I had seen it! It had been decorated with balloons and streamers, and all of the furniture and stuff was pushed up against the walls. And people could dance in the middle of the room, and the lightbulbs were all red and blue and it gave the room this really awesome look to it! I think Brandon was even more amazed than I was. Neither one of us had ever really been to a...well.....a 'cool' party before. Not like this one. There were people everywhere, and we were standing right in the middle of it all.
It was like this big overload of....'STUFF' all at once! And it took about ten minutes before I even saw Jamie! He was in the kitchen, surrounded by people and laughing about...whatever. Hehehe! Jamie has the cutest laugh ever invented. It's like, so far from being obnoxious. It's sweet, and mellow, but genuine. I know, I know...I'm there with my boyfriend, but I couldn't help but notice. I was kinda scared to just walk up to him and say hello. I mean, he was busy with his friends and having a good time...I thought that maybe I should just try to find him again later. But then he looked up and saw me there, and he actually came over and gave me a HUG! AHHHHHH!!!!
He's like, "Billy! You came! That's awesome! Hey, you guys, this is the freshman that I used for my report! The one I told you about! He's way cool!" In that single moment, Jamie Cross, the blond GOD that he is...just, like, 'validated' me to everybody within earshot! Do you understand how HUGE that is??? I felt like I was gonna explode! I turned deep red immediately, and just wanted to run and hide somewhere. It was too much for me to handle all at once. I felt so awkward all of the sudden. Then one of the girls in the kitchen pointed me out.
She was like, "Awww, he's shy! Don't be shy, cutie!" And she gave me a kiss on the cheek...which didn't help me out at ALL! In fact, it made me even MORE nervous! I literally wanted to burrow my face into Brandon's shoulder to keep from being seen. And yet, I couldn't stop smiling. Brandon giggled back at me, seeing the blush in my cheeks, and I burst out laughing, pushing him back out of the kitchen so we could get away from everybody. I heard Jamie and the others laughing behind us as they, undoubtedly, got a kick out of me being such a dork. Arrrgh! What can I say? It was just....too much for me to handle so quickly.
So, we had an awesome time, and some people were drinking alcohol, but we didn't. And the whole house was just alive with energy the entire time that we were there. Me and Brandon didn't know a whole lot of people there, but just being invited had somehow granted us safe passage through the crowd of coolest kids in school. I guess they just figured that we belonged. And you don't get a lot of that in high school.....that feeling that you 'belong'. OH...and there were these cute little computer printed signs hanging up everywhere from Jamie, and they simply said, "Don't fuck up my house!" And anybody who wanted to smoke had to go outside. It seemed like the party went on forever! Downstairs, upstairs, inside, outside....music and lights and cute boys and hot girls...it was fucking GREAT!!!
Then......um....something weird happened.
Well, I guess it's not really weird for HIM, but...it just....it made the rest of the night kinda....um...well, just weird for me.
See, Jamie was talking to this girl in the kitchen for a long time, and it was just...them being friendly, you know? I wasn't STARING at him or anything. Jamie is just...pretty to look at. So I saw them talking, and then...they were standing really close to each other and talking. And then...they were kinda looking at each other really deeply, and smiling. I shouldn't have been spying on him...but I did. Even while Brandon was talking to me, I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. And then...the girl kissed Jamie on the lips. And he LET her do it! I just....I KNOW that I have somebody, and I should have just known that Jamie Cross would be...'straight'....I just....it hurt. Ugh! I don't know WHY it hurt, but it did! A LOT! It hurt so much that I almost wanted to CRY from the pain in my heart! It's so stupid...but I've never felt so....so....betrayed. I invested years of my life and m love to always dreaming about the day when Jamie Cross and I would be this...amazingly perfect couple, you know? I had it fixed in my mind that he would finally notice me, and talk to me, and just...love me back, you know? It's been my number one all time favorite fantasy since my first hormone broke loose and gave me a tingle when I thought about him. I feel like a great deal of my life, of my concept of love, of my very understanding of myself and my emotions...was based on a lie. Some stupid dream of mine that never stood a chance. Yeah...it just hurt. That's all.
I looked away from them, hoping that they would stop. But when I looked back, they were STILL going at it! And then, after about five minutes of them wrapping their tongues around each other...Jamie took a hold of her hand, and he walked right past me and Brandon. I could see that he was half hard from the bulge in his pants. I've never seen a bulge like that in Jamie's pants before, and it seemed to only rub salt in the wound. It laughed at me, taunted me, giving me my first and last glimpse of a piece of him that I would never, never, EVER, get to have. And Jamie actually smiled and winked at me as he dragged that...that random BITCH right past me!!! And then my heart felt like it seriously just broke in half as I saw him lead her upstairs. He....he took her upstairs. I know what that means. It means...third base or WORSE. Why her? Why anybody but me? Geez.....I just....I mean...OUCH!!!
First I lose Sam to some stupid girl....and now Jamie Cross. Jamie never had a girlfriend before! NEVER! I know! I was watching! I was watching CLOSELY!!! How could he fuck me up like that? How could he just go off with some harlot when I'm standing right here, grovelling at his feet every fucking day of my academic LIFE??? Being gay is SO unfair! If I get hit by a bus and die tomorrow, I hope I come back as a dumb old GIRL so I can know what it's like to kiss the boy of my dreams!
Sighhh...anyway, it didn't really ruin my night...not entirely, but it certainly did smash a lot of old feelings like a fly crashing into the windshield of a speeding truck. I'm sorry. I should be happy. Me and Brandon are great together, and he's everything that I want in a boyfriend. This shouldn't bother me so much. It's just....::whimper::...it's JAMIE CROSS!!! I've loved him, like, my whole life. Shit, I already said that, didn't I? Damn, I wish that this didn't hurt so much. I've gotta let that go. Ok...that's it. This is me, letting it go. See? It's gone. I'm done with it.
(It's not gone)
Anyway, one good thing came out of tonight. Brandon kissed me deeply on the lips after we got to my house. He was so touched that I even invited him out like this. It really was like a date, you know? Even if we were undercover and all. The look in his eyes alone was enough to make that little bit of heartbreak worth it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Brandon is GORGEOUS! He's the sweetest fucking boy on the planet! Jamie Cross should be jealous of ME! Yeah, that's right! I said it! Jealous of me.
Oh well, I've gotta get to sleep before my mom realizes that I was almost an hour past my curfew coming home tonight. I did't say goodnight to Jamie, but he was probably too 'busy' to even notice me missing. Whatever. I suppose that I've gotta begin the process of laying my feelings for the most beautiful blond on Earth to rest. I guess....it just wasn't meant to be, you know? Still...it sucks. And it hurts. And it aches.
Ok, that's enough of that. I'm going now. I'll write more tomorrow. I need something to help me get rid of this hole in the pit of my stomach. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Seeya.