“Nobody in my life is thought of as ‘unwanted trash’, ok?” I said, looking down at my feet as I realized the huge mistake that I made in actually telling Colin how I truly felt about all this. “I don’t just run around feeling like I can use my looks to trick people into liking me or giving me what I want. It’s insulting that you would even think that about me.” There was a part of me that felt like I deserved an apology for having him even see me that way...but I can’t say that I was secure enough in my own stance to make such a petty demand. Even after having his sharp comments, basically, cleave my heart in half. “Maybe you’ve been hurt before, ok? I et that. But I didn’t know that, ahead of time. It’s not like you came right out and told me that and I saw some kind of selfish, predatory, need to take advantage of your vulnerability in order to make myself feel good at your expense...”
“Oh STOP!” He said. “If that wasn’t the case, Russ...then why talk to me at all? Huh?” He said, now looking as though he was even more offended than I was, initially. “Why hep me with my books in the hallway? Why buy me a milkshake? Why joke around with me in the school library, or keep inviting me to come spend time with you? Is it because I was just soooo awesome that you decided to attach me to your heart forever and ever without question?” He sniffled quietly. “Or, maybe...was it just the fact that you had used up all of the novelty points from your current cutie and were looking for somebody else to swoon over you to the point where you could just give him a wink and a smile and replace your narcissistic supply of constant admiration with someone you thought might be just a little bit more interesting?” Oh, God! Why was he saying this stuff to me, right now? “What if I was super rich? Would I be better and more important than Joey then? What if I was famous and everybody else in school was fawning all over me? Maybe then you’d be DYING to talk to me, right? Otherwise, I’m just another attractive piece of meat for you to entice and capture so you can manipulate me into caring about you...until you get tired of me and decide to move on to somebody better. Am I right?”
“FUCK no, you’re not right!” I said angrily. “I’m really fucking shocked that you would even look at me like this! I don’t know what this ‘Ricky’ guy online put you through, and frankly...I don’t give a shit! I approached you as a friend and as a companion! All I wanted was to be your friend!”
“Fuck off!” He cried. “That’s a lie, and you know it!”
So, even with the intense amount of hurt squeezing my heart to the point of feeling like it was going to splatter and burst inside of my chest at any second, I came clean about what I felt for him since that first time I laid eyes on him. “I’m not going to say that I didn’t think you were cute, Colin! Because I did! Alright?” He rolled his eyes and looked away from me, but I didn’t let that stop me from making my point. “But that’s not why I did any of the things that I did to get to know you better. Ok? This wasn’t some stupid online commitment from a vast distance that lasted for a few weeks, or months, or even over a YEAR...where I thought, for one second, that I could just pick up and abandon you at the drop of a hat without warning and leave you feeling heartbroken and alone. That shit has absolutely nothing to do with me! And it sucks that Ricky did that to you, and that you feel like you need to use that as some sort of blueprint of how other boys are going to treat you in the future when it comes to giving your heart and your efforts and your most intimate feelings the love and protection and respect that they truly deserve.” I said. “But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to be one of those people who ultimately lets you down...and just vanishes on you because they decided to chase after a gift that they already had...just in a more attractive package. Whatever they assume that package might be.”
Colin was quiet for a moment, holding his breath to keep any more tears from pouring out of his red and straining eyes.
“I know what you’re trying to do, Russ...” Colin said, his boyish voice cracking slightly from the emotional strain. “...And...you really are worthy of being appreciated for trying to make me feel better about this...”
Already, I could feel the final rejection coming. “But…?” I asked.
“But...as flattering as it is for you to make the effort...I already know how this story ends.” He sobbed. “Boys like me? We don’t live with the same privilege that boys like you do. We just don’t. What I went through with Ricky is over. Done. It’s been a long long time, and he could have reached out to me to tell me it was over...but he couldn’t even be bothered to do that. I was a sucker, and I deserve to be treated like one. I’ll just have to imagine him being happy somewhere else...with someone that makes him happy. I was never meant to be that guy for him. Not ever.” He said sadly. Then he looked into my eyes and said, “I’m not meant to be that guy for you either, Russ. I can’t be. You need someone who’s gonna be ok with the idea that you can walk away from them whenever you feel like it...and simply never talk to them again. Not even as an old, forgotten, friend...”
“Colin...” I pleaded. “What can I say to fix your mixed up view of who I am as a person? As a human being? Dude….seriously?”
With a single tear rolling down his cheek, Colin struggled to reply. “You could say, ‘Goodbye, Colin. It’s been real.’ And let’s leave on good times, where neither one of us has to be hurt in the end. We can avoid the inevitable devastation that’s certain to destroy us both once you decide to move on. That’s all I want. An escape from having you hurt me like that. Nothing more.” Ouch...ok, that hurt more than anything else that Colin’s ever said to me. Especially when he added, “At least that would be more than I got when Ricky dumped me in the trash for someone else without even telling me why. He walked away like I didn’t matter at all. Like he never gave a shit about me at all. And that destroyed me. It really did.” He sobbed. “Just tell me goodbye, Russ. Let me rest in knowing that I ever mattered to you at some point in your life...and that you’ll look back and remember as being someone special. At least, that way, I can deal with the heartache and obliterating pain you left behind with some sense of actual closure so I can move on from there. Otherwise...everything just feels unfinished and unexplained...and I can’t ever find somebody that I can trust ever again. Just because you couldn’t find it in your heart to tell me to fuck off when you stopped feeling anything for me.” I had to wipe my own eyes at this point, and we both looked away from one another. “Just leave me alone, k? Please?” He said. “It’s mercy, Russ. It really is. Just let me go...before your brief infatuation for me wears off and fades away. Don’t suck me into falling in love for somebody else who doesn’t want me. Please?” He said. “Maybe I’ll get lucky, later in life, and find somebody more my speed. But for now? I’m so tired of being somebody else’s sucker. I can’t go through that again. I, honestly, don’t think that I’d be able to survive it.”
“You were never a sucker, Colin. I wish you could believe me when I say that.”
“I wish you could see why I don’t believe you, dude. But...chances are...you never will. Boys like you never do.” He said. “The world is yours. I see it. And you’re a really good guy, Russ. You deserve to see it too. Don’t waste your potential on an ugly old nobody like me. It’s not worth it.”
I was obviously fighting a losing battle here, and with my heart getting ripped further and further apart with his every comment...with every peek at his watery eyes as he really tried to hold himself together...I just stood up and prepared myself to get out of there before I lost all control of my emotions and ended up begging him to hear me out on this.
But...even if I could, and even if I got him to listen...what would I say? Honestly. What magical words, what poetic sonnets or philosophical diatribes, did I have to offer Colin when it came to getting him to trust my feelings and regard them as being genuine when it came to being near him. As frustrating as it was to admit...can I say that he was wrong? Did I not target him for being so cute? Was I not spending my afternoons naked with Joey for instant sexual gratification alone? Was I just trying to get closer to Colin all this time for laughs and a few friendly hugs? Or was I secretly trying to get him to be my next boyfriend? I was looking for love...most definitely. True love. But now that he brought it up, I wasn’t sure how genuine my pursuit for something that I was expecting to fulfill me, inside and out...was it really all that different from what I was chasing when I pursued Joey or the few other boys that I’ve ended up sharing orgasms with over the short time that I’ve spent being sexually active in real life?
He made me doubt everything about myself and my intentions, and that hurt more than I ever could have thought it would. What promises can I possibly make to him? That, even if we get together, I won’t EVER find another boy attractive? That I’ll be strong enough to turn down all temptations? That Colin and I will be together for the rest of our natural lives, and won’t ever wander? What could I possibly do if Colin and I became boyfriends, and my feelings changed over time? Or if we broke up? I’d be the most LOATHSOME piece of shit during the rest of his whole miserable LIFE!!! And it would be my fault, because I promised him that I would never hurt him like that. Not ever.
Is that fair to him?
Is it fair to me???
Soooo, many questions. Enough to keep my brain frozen to the point where I just remained silent, that stabbing pain in my chest hollowing me out as Colin looked to me to give him a definitive answer when it came to me devoting my heart to him and him alone for the rest of our lives. Am I even old enough to make such a covenant of that magnitude?
“I take it that I’m wasting my time here, then. Aren’t I?” I said.
Colin kept his head down, wiping his eyes as if I couldn’t see him crying right there in front of me. “I wish you could see how incredible you are, Russ. I really do. From the first time that you bumped into me in that hall way, to being able to talk to you in the local library, to sharing that very first milkshake with you after school...I knew that you were something special. Something that I wanted to have in my life as often as humanly possible...” He said, but had to pause as the emotion built up in the back of his throat, and tied itself up in a tight knot before he could continue. “...But I’m done with being infatuated with something that is so, obviously, far out of my league. Ok? I can’t do this. It hurts too much once it’s over. And I don’t need any more loose ends in my life where I’m stuck trying to figure out how I managed to fuck everything up soooo badly that somebody that I loved with my whole heart would just turn his back on me and fucking ignore me FOREVER when all I wanted was to give him my heart and have him protect from this kind of agony. Even if just for a little while.” More tears rolled down Colin’s cheeks, and he looked me directly in the eyes as he said, “I don’t want to put myself through that again, ok? And you are...you’re just...you’re too good to be true, Russ. Too amazing for me to summon up enough of my ego to think, for one minute, that this whole thing could ever work between us. Life just isn’t that forgiving.”
“Colin...” I said, but he put his hand up to stop me from saying anything further in my defense.
“I won’t do it. I just...I can’t.” He said. “It’s not your fault. It really isn’t. But Ricky has ruined the very concept of what ‘love’ is. I thought I knew what it was...but I was wrong. And I paid the price for being so stupid in thinking that a boy like that would ever bother to give a shit about me. I’m never going to know what happened to make him dismiss me like that, and I’ll have to live with that. I don’t have any other choice.” Colin sat down on the foot of his bed, and even though he seemed to feel sort of bad about what he was saying to me...avoiding my eyes as best as he could...he told me, “Boys like you always get what you want out of life. Always. You’re the kind of guy that’s lucky enough to have boys like Joey drop down to their knees and beg you to love them, day and night. And I get it, Russ...you’re one of the privileged few who gets everything you want whenever you want it. But I’m not one of those boys. I’m not LIKE you, Russ! And I never will be.”
Trying to keep myself from trembling with insult and pain, I said, “I never asked anybody to treat me like some sort of icon or angel. I never once thought of myself as being out of somebody else’s league, or like I was better than them in one way or another. I just want to be the best person that I can be. I mean, do you get that?” I asked. “It’s not fair to assume that just because some people think that I’m ‘cute’ that I’m incapable of feeling true emotions for somebody else. I need love too, Colin. Just like everybody else.”
“And you can find it. Easily.” He said.
“Easily??? Are you being serious right now?”
“How hard can it be?” Colin sniffled. “You’re the sexiest blond boy in school? Do you mean to tell me that there’s going to be another boy who’s even remotely gay or curious who would turn down a chance to strip down naked and let you fuck him silly? Be honest!”
Why was he doing this? Seriously...WHY???
“Is that what love is all about? Being hot and fucking people for the sake of instant gratification?” I said. “What about someone making me FEEL something, Colin? What about someone who awakens something within me that actually counts for shit? Something that adds something significant to my human evolution and creates an elevation in my thinking? What makes you think that I wouldn’t prefer that over just using my supposedly ‘good looks’ to get laid by some brainless piece of shit that can’t see anything valuable about me that isn’t skin deep?”
That’s when Colin straightened up, and he said, “Well...that’s what Joey is for, isn’t he?” I won’t lie...I hated Colin for saying that. But what defense did I have against it? “You’re a pretty boy, Russ. Deal with it. And while I love being a part of your little pretty boy circus...I’ve been hurt before. To the point where I need to keep you as far away from my heart as I possibly can. Because you simply have too much leverage when it comes to having an irresistible crush on you! K? Just...I can’t do this. And I don’t want you to just shrug your shoulders and abandon me for somebody else...just because you found another boy that you thought was ‘prettier’ than I was.” He said. “I’d rather you just give me the fucking finger right now and tell me to piss off before I allow myself to fall any deeper for you and invest my heart in something that’s never going to happen. Not ever. Wouldn’t that be better than having me fucking hate you for the rest of my life for doing this to me? The fantasy simply isn’t worth it. It’s just….it’s just not worth it.”
Colin was crying and sniffling like crazy, but when I just stood up and decided to leave, he stood up too. Almost as if he wanted me to stay, regardless of the heartless way he treated me. There was no argument that I could possibly make to get him to change his mind on this, or even get him to contemplate doing so. I just wiped the tears away from my eyes, and got up to leave his house. He winced slightly, seeing the look on my face and apologizing profusely for his immediate rejection of my affections, but it wasn’t doing much to soothe the ache of having him distance himself from me the way he did.
I said, “I can’t find a way to break through whatever barrier it is that you have. But, for what it’s worth…I think you’re beautiful. I really do.”
That being said, I turned away from him, feeling defeated and alone. And he sadly walked me to his front door to say goodbye. I could see him hurting. I really could. I just didn’t know what to do about it. “I wish I could be invincible for you, Russ.” He said. “I wish...I could be a hero. I just don’t know how. I always get hurt. And I’m...soooo goddamn tired of getting hurt.”
“Batman...” I said.
“What you said...about Batman.” I told him. “That’s what you liked about him, isn’t it? He doesn’t need super powers. He’s vulnerable, right? But he’s strong anyway.” Then, just as I opened the front door to leave, I said, “Like you said...Batman’s greatest enemy is himself. Always himself.”
Colin looked really hurt and conflicted when he heard me say that, but he didn’t do anything to keep me from leaving his house.
What can I do? I tried you know? I wanted to finally experience true love for the first time in my life...and I feel like I failed. Totally FAILED!!! All because I went chasing after something that I probably didn’t deserve after my sexy afternoons with Joey in my arms. I’m just a teenager! Why wouldn’t I crave the instant gratification of hot, passionate, sex with another cute boy from school? I WANTED it! But Colin was different. I wanted more from him than a cute face and a lickable body to snuggle up once we were done making out and splashing heated cum on one another. I wanted a companion. Someone to talk to. To laugh with. Somebody that I could actually love outside of my lustful desires for another wasted orgasm on someone that I couldn’t relate to if I tried. I wanted LOVE, you know? Just love. And if this is what ‘love’ is going to be like from here on out, then I can do without it. Seriously. I don’t want that. Who would?
If I’m going to be doomed to a life of this level of agony and bullshit for all time, I’d rather live without it.
Just let me go home and suffer in peace.