Where to go, what to buy, what to wear...
My brain was buzzing with so much activity that I couldn't concentrate long enough to come up with a single answer before being plagued with another twenty questions. But, I have to admit...it was kind of fun to think about the almost infinite possibilities. I can't imagine what I'm going to do with myself while waiting to see Rory again. The weekend was rapidly approaching and I wanted to make plans for something that Rory might think of as...I don't know...romantic, I guess? I don't have any experience with this sort of thing, but I knew that we couldn't just go back to the mall or the movies again. That would be redundant. I wanted to do something bigger. Something better.
The difficult part was figuring out what that 'thing' was going to be, and how I expected to actually pull it off. I'd love to take him out for a nice dinner or something somewhere, but I can't really afford anything 'date-worthy'. Not for the both of us. I'd take him some place in the downtown area, but I don't have a car or anyone that I can really catch a ride with. I'd hate to take Rory out for our date on the bus. That would suck. So I had to keep thinking. Revising one set of plans after another. But I did buy a single rose. I don't know why I did it so early. It might be dead by the time the weekend rolls around. I'll just have to keep it well protected until then. Or...you know...buy another one later.
I guess I let myself get a bit over excited that time. But I'm learning.
It was a Thursday afternoon that Kyle called me up and asked if I wanted to go to the lake with him for a while. He did make sure to ask me if it was ok that Jason came along though. We didn't necessarily part on the best of terms. But, hey...if I was Jason, I'd be jealous too. To be totally honest, I think having him envy what Rory and I had as a couple is what really made me want to go to the lake at all. After ALL the times those two got to be the prettiest gay boys in the world and made me watch. Made me listen to how hot he was, and how awesome the sex was, and how they couldn't wait to ditch him and find somebody new. I sat in a corner all alone while they high fived each other and just...enjoyed sharing a connection with somebody special. And you know what? Hehehe, now I've GOT somebody special. And not some 48 hour internet hookup at random, either. But someone who actually takes a real interest in me. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who constantly makes me feel like I could do no wrong at all. And now it's my turn to show him off. I looked forward to it.
So I agreed. I was trying to finish up a few chores around the house, so I told them that I'd just run out and meet them there a bit later. I got a quick message from Rory earlier in the day, but he was just saying hi, and added a little animation of a smiley face squirting me with a water pistol. Hehehe, he could be so cute sometimes! I don't think I'll ever get used to having him do stuff like that. Just random...no rhyme or reason at all. Then again, Rory's been like that ever since I met him. So what else is new?
We never really went to the actual beach by the lake before. Not since we were all little kids, anyway. We always thought that the park and stuff that stretched out down the shore was much more fun. And since the weather was so nice today, there were tons of people out having a blast. Rollerblading and riding bikes and skateboards...some had a few limited barbecues going, some joggers and the like. A few performers keeping things lively and interesting. Despite the active population of the area, the park remained remarkably clean. It was nice. I had to take notice of the place and pat myself for going out there, for no other reason than to get my mind off of...
...Omigod, wait! That's it! What if I take Rory out here to the lake this weekend? We can come to the park, have a good time, the scenery is awesome...it would be great! I looked all around me and just saw trees and picnic tables and tons of smiling faces all over the place. It wouldn't costs us much, we could easily get here, it would be perfect. Not to mention that Rory lived just on the outskirts of town. We were in different school districts, but it wouldn't take much effort at all to get him to travel here to come visit me and let him experience an awesome part of my world here by the lake. It was perfect, you know? he second I thought about it, I got a rush of excitement that nearly took my breath away.
Kyle was happy to see me and wanted to pal around for a bit, and even though Jason seemed a bit distant at first, even he came around not long after. Either because he was over the whole angry and jealous thing or just because he was emulating Kyle again as usual. but all of that was beside the point. I took a casual day out with my friends and turned it into a full blown mission to scout out the location and maybe find a few perfect spots for me and my sweetheart to settle into when I got him here.
Oh wow...yeah...I could see it. We could sit on the rocks by the lake, feel a nice warm breeze, watch the park lights come on as the sun set behind us. It would be a really cool place for us to talk. Rory had such a knack for long conversations. It didn't really have to be about anything special. He just knew how to bait me with subtle questions and then answer back with answers that awed and impressed me every single time. He had a habit of using his fingers to play with his hair when he was deep in thought. Just on the right side, though. Never the left. I don't know...it was just something that I noticed, I guess.
Yeah...we could totally come here. I could show Rory a part of my life he hasn't seen before, and we could just...relax. Just be with each other for an extended period of time...watch a slow sunset together, my head innocently placed on his shoulder...and we could relax. I'd like that. I think I'd like that a lot.
It was Kyle who first noticed that I was spacing out and being quiet with them, and he asked me, "What are you doing? Hehehe, you turning zombie on us, or what? Penny for your fucked up thoughts, man?"
"Nah, it's nothing big or anything, just..." I almost didn't want to mention Rory's name. Not while Jason was there to give me shit about being so whipped or whatever. But, screw it, "...I was thinking that the lake...you know, everything is so awesome here...it might be a cool place to take Rory this weekend." I said.
Jason rolled his eyes, but it wasn't as obvious as it was the last time saw him do it. Kyle was like, "The lake? What's so special about the lake?"
I said, "Well...I mean, look at it. This is a place that's lively enough to be really interesting, but it's quiet enough where we could just sit together and talk for a while. I mean, that's a cool combination, right?"
Jason jumped in to say, "What makes you think that he hasn't seen the lake before? The lake is big as hell. Everybody sees the lake."
"Yeah, but...he lives a bit too far West to really be able to come out and spend some quality time here. It'll be kind of new to him, right? He can come visit me and I'll show him around, and we can get a few pizza slices over there by the gazebo...we can watch some folks play music along the walkway...sit on the rocks..." I was hopeful, but I still got the feeling that Jason and Kyle thought that I was being awfully 'tame' when it came to someone like Rory. It was so evident in their facial expressions that it became downright insulting in the long run. "What? What's wrong with a day by the lake?"
Jason said, "Whatever. I'm not gonna bug you about it."
"Bug me about what? What's wrong with...? I mean...come on, dude, WHAT???" I asked.
"Forget it. You're just gonna get upset."
"I'm not going to...ugh!"
I wish I didn't give into the peer pressure surrounding the question so quickly, but it wasn't just a matter of Jason and Kyle bullying me into something that I didn't want to do, it was me wanting to have a second opinion on whether or not I was actually doing something 'cool' for Rory, or if I was going to end up making a fool out of myself. I mean...I wanted things to be right, you know? I'm not completely hopeless in matters of the heart, but I'd at least like to make a decent impression for my first few times out on the battlefield. I thought that Jason and Kyle might be able to actually help me out for a change.
Unfortunately, while Jason was all in when it came to making me feel insecure and lonely...Kyle seemed to be distracted by one of the boys skateboarding not far from the rocks by the lake. It's one thing to glance at someone beautiful, but I could always tell when Kyle was fixated on someone to the point where he wasn't going to let them pass him by without at least taking a shot at getting to know them.
GOD, I envied that! Why wasn't I that kind of guy? Why couldn't I be the kind of person who just...sees someone attractive and just 'goes for it'? I swear, sometimes...I wish I was a little more like Kyle. Or even Jason for that matter. Look at how much experience they have. Look at how much more they know about this stuff than I do. Imagine if I could just toss this clutter of virgin thoughts aside and just dive into a boy-on-boy orgy with some random stranger the way they do! Wouldn't that be awesome?
After all the time I've known them, I would think that some of their predatory sexual prowess would have rubbed off on me a little bit. They charge in, all gung ho, for EVERY boy that they find attractive. And they've been advising me to do exactly the same thing with every breath they could muster. I just...I'm not that kind of guy. I never have been. I'm not like them. Maybe they do it all the time and have fun, but...when they tell me to do the same, I just...I feel 'sick', you know? Following their example just isn't in the cards for me. Sometimes I wish it was, but deep down I want something more. I NEED something more. I'm just too dumb to make them understand that. Maybe Rory would be better at this if he were here right now.
It wasn't long before that really cute boy on the skateboard glanced over at Kyle, and he took it as a signal to move in for the takedown. This wasn't some internet chatroom here. No, Kyle and Jason could be just as carnivorous with innocent boys in real life as they could through a keyboard and computer screen. And as I saw Kyle's eyes lock in on what was a rather juicy piece of ass from across the park lawn...I knew that he wouldn't be standing there with us for much longer.
"Hey, you guys hold tight for a second. I'll be right back, ok?" Kyle said, never once taking his eyes off of his...target.
We didn't even have a chance to reply before he was already en route. I could see his infatuation. The boy had a dark brown mop of hair with a slight emo fringe, a set of deep bedroom eyes, a slim waist, and a cute smile. Was there anything 'magnificent' about him? I don't know. How could I tell from this distance? All people are nice and sweet in those first offered doses of personality. But from where I was standing, he was definitely the kind of guy that Kyle and Jason would have eagerly approached, either online or offline. And as I saw Kyle walk up to him, and basically 'trick' the kid into giving him his undivided attention, I couldn't help but to feel a weird clutch of tension and pain in the pit of my stomach.
It was SO easy for them. So easy.
Jason mumbled, "That's how you fuckin' do it, man. That's how you get your freak on." I didn't answer at first, but I watched as Kyle comfortably engaged the boy in a short conversation. I was amazed at how comfortable Kyle could be in his own skin. Just...making a graceful art out of the typical school boy chit chat. I think the only thing worse than admiring his ease of approach was seeing Jason standing next to me...worshiping his technique as though it was the most awesome game ever played on this planet. Jason said, "He's so smooth, dude. He's gonna get those fucking digits. Watch. I'm betting on it. Damn...he's got a nice juicy ass too. He knows he's not gonna let that puffy ass get away from him. He knows it." I watched Jason smile and nod, and I can't even describe the feeling that I felt cramping up my heart at that very moment. "You see, Kevin? That's how it's done. You've got to JUMP on that ass right away when you get it in your crosshairs! You've gotta go for the kill and close the deal before somebody else does."
"Yeah..." I said softly. "I guess so."
"There's nothing to guess at. Wouldn't you rather that be you right now? You could be a player, man." I saw the skateboard boy giggle bashfully at whatever it was that Kyle was telling him. And it was only a minute later that I saw Kyle hand him his cell phone to get his number. I should have been happy for him, I guess. But it only made me feel more inexperienced than before. It didn't help to hear Jason say, "I knew it! Kyle is the fuckin' MAN!" Great. Just great. Jason put his arm on my shoulder and said, "Take notes, Kev. hat's what you've got to do with your ten score boy 'pal'. You see how he did that?"
"Whatever." I said, just trying to hide the hurt as Kyle came walking back in our direction with a big smile plastered on his face.
"No, seriously. Now, look...I know that was kind of irritated before, but I'm being honest here...Rory is hot. SUPER hot! And you have to...dude...you GOTTA get some before he gets bored with you and moves on to the next guy. This is your chance to hit that. You're gonna screw it up. No offense, but it's not like Rory can't find somebody else. There are a TON of boys out there. Boys like me and Kyle. And they're approaching him just like Kyle did that kid on the skateboard. And eventually he's gonna say yes, and then you're going to end up all alone while some other guy is sucking him off twice a day. I'm just telling you the truth."
God, I wish Jason would stop talking. Even more, I wish I could stop listening.
Kyle came back to us, giggling. "Fellas, it's definitely on. His name is Peter 'something'. I didn't hear the last name, but it sounds foreign. He's got a really cute voice too. Kinda raspy. I like it. He lives right around the corner from the park. He's like right over there, two or three blocks down."
Jason asked him, "So what's the plan?"
"Oh man, his mom does real estate or something. There's an empty apartment with nothing but a mattress in it. Hehehe, I'm gonna call him up and I'm seriously gonna try to fuck him this weekend if I can. He's really cute. I'm on it. I just want to...oooh...I might marry this one. I might make this boy my husband, you guys. What do you think?"
Jason laughed out loud and said, "Get the fuck out of here! Hahaha!"
"What? I can be sentimental too. I might move up into the big leagues and settle down like big brother, Kevin, here." Kyle said, giving me a playful slug in the arm. I tried to smile, but is wasn't fooling anybody. "What...what's the matter? What happened?"
"Nothing." I said with a shoulder shrug.
"Jason...dude, what did you do?"
"Nothing! Kevin, tell him. I didn't do anything." Jason said. "I was just telling him to go hard for Rory. I wasn't being an asshole or anything."
"You guys..." I whined, but Kyle stopped me.
"No, no...look...I LIKE the lake idea. Ok?" He said. "You bring him here, like, late in the afternoon or something. You got the fading sunlight on the rippling waves and whatnot, it's perfect. It sets the mood, and it makes you look romantic. Right? I mean, am I right?"
He roughly nudged me in the side, and I gave him a pout-filled, "Yeah..."
"Ok, then. Rory likes romance. So you give him romance. You give him just enough of what he wants...and you use that to get what you want. You know what I mean?"
Jason chimed in, "Please take notes on this, Kev. God knows that I am."
Kyle said, "Look, that skateboard kid over there, I don't know him from any other asshole at the park. He could be a frickin' axe murderer for all I know. But I don't need to know anything about him other than he's hot and I want him. Like...yesterday. Hehehe!" Kyle got closer to me to put his arm on my shoulder and lowered his voice as though he were providing me with his entire cache of big secrets. The keys to the kingdom of love. "It's cool that you two have been all innocent and sweet about being together. I, personally, think that's awesome. But you're stuck right now. You can't do anything more than that. And soon, you're going to get bored, and he's going to get frustrated, and it's just not going to work anymore. Trust me, Rory isn't going to wait for you to make a move forever. As soon as he realizes he could be screwing somebody else instead of trading flirtatious little comments with you over the phone, he's gonna ditch you, Kev. In a heartbeat. I'm sorry, I know that sucks and I hate to say it, but it's true. And the next guy isn't going to be HALF as nice or as sweet or as caring as you are. He's gonna fuck him silly for a week or two and move on to somebody. You don't want that. Not for you, and not for Rory. you're in a major position, dude. It's time to step your game up. NOW! Not later."
I felt so inferior. I don't know why, I just did. I was almost teary eyed from the humiliation of having them talk to me like this. Why couldn't I be better at this? Feeling aggravated, I said, "What do you want me to DO, Kyle? Just travel across town and say, 'Here I am, Rory! Fuck me!'?"
"No! Dude, that's not what I'm saying. I'm telling you..." Kyle thought for a second. "Ok...you want him to think of you as a sexual 'being' or whatever, right? I mean, not just some sterile little boy next door. You want him to want you. So you've got to let him know that you want him too. Give a little, get a little. That's how this works. The next time you guys hang out...make a little 'contact'. Touch him. Don't be scared. Rub his back, touch his arm. Maybe you grab his ass every now and then. Make him feel wanted. Make lots of eye contact. you should have a 'God, I want to fuck you' look on your face the whole time you're together. You know what I mean?" There it was again. That sick feeling. "You're so wrapped up in trying to experience the greatest love of all that you're overthinking things. Stop thinking. Don't think. Let your balls guide you for a change. Maybe your heart will follow later on, but right now you're just trying to get laid. Just do it. Do it NOW! Consequences be damned. Just go for it. What are you waiting for? Hurry up already. Just go. Go. Go. GO! Hehehe!"
"But what if...?" I said, standing behind a very weak barrier of excuses. "I don't want to treat Rory like just some...some..." God, how do I even complete that sentence.
"No no, you see? You're thinking again. You're making a big deal out of something that is sooooo NOT a big deal. Ok?" Kyle said. "Do you want to get laid? I'm not talking like after the senior prom or something, I'm talking about right NOW! This weekend! Wouldn't you rather be snuggled up in the arms of a hottie on Saturday? Get your mom out of the house. Shit, use MY house if you have to. Get a hotel room. Hell, there's a public bathroom right there with a handicapped stall in it. You totally have a huge variety of places where you could go and get some hot boy sex going. You just have to hurry up and get things moving." I think Kyle could see the defeated look on my face. Jason might have rolled his eyes, but I think Kyle made an effort to make it seem like he wasn't pushing me so hard. "Listen...Kevin, if...and I mean IF...you and Rory decide to fall madly in love and live happily ever after, then hey...I'll disco dance at your big gay wedding. But...this isn't something that you can really be patient about. You're going to hate yourself forever if you throw this opportunity away. Trust me. I mean...are you even happy? Rory's cute and all...but is he making you happy, being so untouchable?"
The weird thing is...I almost answered in the positive. Seriously. I almost said yes. But I'm obviously looking at things from a really 'corny' perspective. The more Kyle talked to me, the more our little talks and our stupid comic book and video game trivia and our awkward telephone silences seemed like a total joke. Maybe I was being a geek about this after all. Maybe he's right. I've been an idiot. I don't know why Rory still hangs around me at all.
"No. I guess not." I said.
"Exactly." Kyle told me, his hand on my shoulder giving me a squeeze. "So...no more puppy love and fuzzy warm feelings. Stop waiting for something super important. You get together with Rory this weekend, you get him all hot and bothered any way that you can...and the second you see a spark of interest in his eyes, you take him some place where you can be alone, strip him naked, and get TO it, dude! He's ripe for the picking! You've already put in WAY more work into his emotions than Jason or I ever would have. you don't have to get him to give you a kidney, you just want to fuck! Hehehe! So fuck already! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" He chanted.
And Jason started to join him. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!Fuck! Fuck!"
I gave them a half hearted smile, but it was just to let them know that I got the joke, and they both came up and hugged me around the shoulders as they cheered me on. I don't know if I was ready for this. But...maybe I should be.
Yeah...maybe I should be.