Thursday - I'm a little bit confused about something, but I'm sort of afraid to think about it too hard. Mostly because I guess I should just take my blessing and run with it before I wind up jinxing myself and making things worse than I ever imagined they could be.
I couldn't forget the way Bobby Jinette looked at me yesterday when he saw me and Brandon together. It was such a...'mysterious' emotion to try to read on looks alone. It was this subtle shift in his attitude that concealed itself the second I noticed it. But the big question is...was he really hurt? I mean, I couldn't really tell. Honestly. What's so fucked up about it all is that I'm too chicken to ask him. Because if he IS hurting, then I'm just gonna make him ache even more. But if he ISN'T hurting, and I bring it up...then maybe he WILL start hurting over it, and I'll be screwing myself out of an easy way out of this. Maybe....maybe there is no easy way out. Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this.
But, let me just say for the record that I NEVER EVER set out to burn Bobby Jinette or toy around with his feelings! I swear, it was never my intention to hurt him or use him or any of that stuff. It was just a mistake. (Well, a couple of mistakes, actually) I just don't want him to be mad at me. How I was supposed to know that he's been in LOVE with me since the 6th grade??? I couldn't have seen that coming! I didn't think anybody could ever be in love with me. Not until the past six months or so, that is. And even then I had it wrong most of the time.
Anyway, so our gym class is starting volleyball now in the big gym. Much better to sorta catch small glances of Bobby in just his underwear, than it is to be lusting after his completely nude, wet, round, juicy, ASS in the swimming locker room showers! It helps a lot. But not as much as I wish it did.
Sighhh...ok, confession time. As long as I'm thinking it, I might as well write it down. Listen, I love Brandon with ALL of my heart, there's no doubt about it. He's definitely the one I want, above all others. But...dammit...there is a part of me that is SO damn hot for Bobby! It won't go away. I'm not at all infatuated with anything else about him. He's cool and all, but my emotions aren't really compatible with what he feels for me. Not even a little bit. And yet...he's undeniably cute, you know? It's not the type of beauty that leaps out at you all at once. But the second you even 'consider'him as an actual sexual being...it's like the feeling just fucking overwhelms you, and he becomes the most desireable piece of ass ever created. He's gotta be casting some kind of weird spell on me or something, because I really can't explain why I am so hopelessly attracted to him. And the SEX.....omigod....the sex! (Whines) I don't think I'll ever experience sex like that again. Not with anybody. It just bugs me that I have this definitive idea of right and wrong and what I want....and then I'm cursed with this deep primal LUST for somebody who's constantly tempting me with an open invitation any time that I want one! Can you imagine it??? Me sliding every inch of my hardness between the pillowy softness of that amazing ass, and having him push back against me until I'm squealing from the joy of it! Jesus!
I've gotta shake that boy from my mind. From my LIFE. It's dangerous just having him around me. I can't screw this up. Not for something so purely sexual. I want more this time. If it's one thing my so-called 'boyfriend' AJ taught me...it's that sex isn't everything. In fact, at the end of the day, it hardly adds up to much of anything at all.
But DAMN....does it feel GOOD, or what???
Oh yeah....I saw Simon in the hall today while I was talking to Brandon. Our eyes met for just a second, and that was it. But something about it just made every moment I spent with Brandon after that an awkward juggle of appearances. I wondered if I was smiling too much, if HE was smiling too much, if we were standing too close together, if we were standing too far apart so we'd LOOK like we weren't standing too close together...ugh! Simon's invasive presence was enough to just ruin everything. I know he's watching. I know he's doing his nosey little investigations on the two of us. He's not coming right out and saying it, but that just means he's doing a very good job of being sneaky about it. The sad thing is that I wish I could just say 'fuck him' and enjoy some time with my boyfriend in public...but I can't. I don't know what it is, but I've been hiding out for so long that being exposed is, like, terrifying for me right now! Even if just in front of one person.
Well, despite the threat of someone spying on us, it was good to see Brandon's smile today. Some days, more than others, I just marvel at everything that he is, you know? It's so crazy sometimes. He's soooooooo cute. His laugh literally makes me hard when I hear it. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose, just to see me wiggle and try to cover up the front of my pants. Hehehe!
Seriously though...I've been thinking about us having sex every second of every day since Tuesday. I think it's become this really strange obsession. I can't even control myself. I get boners at the dinner table with my MOM for crying out loud! And if I jack off any more I'm either gonna run out of juice, sprain my wrist, or just dislocate my shoulder altogether. Somehow, I don't think that's going to be easy to explain to my parents. But I see Brandon's smile, and those long dark lashes, and those sweet luscious lips of his...and I'm lost in a fantasy that I can't get out of until I'm practically drooling all over myself. I find myself getting close enough to him to just catch the scent of his body in the fabric of his sweater, and it gives me this warm shiver that almost makes me giggle out loud. I think about the softness of his bare skin against me, and the feeling of his nipples against mine when they're all hard and erect. I think about the gentle tremble in his thighs when I went down to suck on those soft warm balls of his, or the early flavor of his fluids as he was reaching the height of arousal, and my mouth was taking in as much of that succulent meat as it could manage. Just being able to slide my hand up and down his naked bottom while we were tongue kissing each other is enough to drive me crazy. If I were alone in my room, thoughts like these would be a welcome part of my day. But I can't STOP! Not even in the middle of the school hallway. It's getting to the point where I have to try to keep my eyes off of him and look down at the floor just to keep myself in control. Psh! I'm surprised that my body wants to mull over Bobby Jinette at all after being with my baby!
Anyway, he's extremely happy about going to the party tomorrow. Hell, I'm extremely happy about it myself. I mean, this is Jamie Cross we're talking about, right? That is so unheard of! I can't believe that I even show up on his 'popularity radar'! And...not only do I get to go to one of the coolest parties in school...but I get to bring the prettiest boy in the world as my DATE! Hehehe, yeah, tomorrow's gonna be awesome!
Hold on a sec, something's going on in the living room...
My mom and dad just had an argument over the phone. About what? It's anybody's guess. At this point they can't even stand each other. The happiest I've seen them in the past year was the night they sat me down at the dinner table to tell me they were getting divorced. And I'm sure most of that was just for show. I don't know....there's something about your parents hating each other that just totally breaks your spirit. It's like...the whole world could be shit, the sky could open up and rain fire and lightning, the ground could randomly begin swallowing people whole without any rhyme or reason whatsoever...but you're always supposed to be able to count on things being sane at home. I mean...it's HOME, you know? If your homelife is fucked up, then where do you go? What do you do?
Sighhh...my mom sounds like she's crying. I don't wanna be here right now. I'm gonna cut this short and make an excuse to go somewhere. Just...to 'escape' this place for a while. I know...it's a coward's way out. I just don't think I have the heart to deal with this right now. Thanks a lot Dad. You completely screwed up my whole evening. So much for concentrating on that extra homework from Simon. I'll just catch up on it later. I'll get up early in the morning and do it instead.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'll talk to you later.
- Billy (Sad and Leaving)