Monday - You know, there's something so outrageously wrong with seeing someone that you used to spend time with...spending time with someone else. I mean, it's like a weird 'jump' in the reel of your own personal movie, where you just feel like you missed something. And that's what bothered me most today...when I saw Brandon hanging out with two other boys in the cafeteria.
With the big secret out, and a better understanding for Sam's relationship, it felt a lot more normal to hang out with him for lunch. I figured it would be fun. Besides, what the heck else was I gonna do, right?
It was hilarious the way Sam kept trying to guess who I had been having sex with! I mean, he kept it down to a whisper, but it got to the point where I couldn't even say hi to another boy in the hall without Sam asking me if that was the one. He was like, "Was it Barry?"
I'm like, "Hell no. Not my type."
"What about Simon? You get a little extra 'tutoring' in between you two?"
And then he's like, "Dude...was it Marty?"
I told him, "I don't even KNOW Marty!"
But Sam just said, "Doesn't mean you didn't gargle his liquids, dude."
I couldn't help but laugh, and even though I was blushing, I told him, "It wasn't LIKE that! This wasn't some weird quickie in a public bathroom or anything. I was...you know....a part of something. For a little while, anyway."
Sam's eyes popped wide open, and he stopped me from walking completely, pushing me to the side of the hallway. He was like, "YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND??? Like a...like a full fledged...relationship???" Funny, I didn't expect him to be so surprised by that.
But it made me blush even harder, and I giggled a bit as I tried to look around and make sure that we were still being 'quiet' about this whole thing. I said, "Well...yeah...kinda. I wanted something that was kinda...'special', you know?"
And Sam gave me a shove. "You sneaky little bitch! How in the hell did you hide THIS from me?"
And I told him, "Don't flatter yourself. You're not that smart." Which obviously got me a slug in the shoulder. Then I added, "Besides, we weren't really..'talking' at the time." I felt a bit ashamed to say it, but it was the truth. If we hadn't been fighting at that particular time, I doubt that I would have been able to hide Brandon from him at all.
Sam was like, "Well, this certainly makes things easier to narrow down then. I've just gotta see who you're making kissy faces at, and then it's all emotional mathematics from there." At that point, Jamie Cross came walking down the hall to grab some lunch with friends of his own, and it made me take a shy peek in his direction. I SWEAR, it was only for a second! I mean, he's fucking gorgeous! I can't HELP but look at him when he walks by me! Anyway, Sam noticed, and his mouth dropped open. "BILLY!!! Was it Jamie Cross???"
That almost made me laugh out loud! I'm like, "Right! As if!"
He's all, "Dude, if it's Jamie Cross, you can tell me. I'd shake your hand on that one! Geez, even I'D do Jamie Cross! That's big time!"
But I'm like, "Sam...trust me, he is WAY out of my league. I can't even 'lie' about something so out of reach."
And his first reaction, as always, was, "You want me to talk to him for ya? Because I WILL if you want me to..."
I'm like, "FUCK NO! What are you talking about???"
He's like, "Why not? You think he's cute, right? Sooo...fucking go for it, man! I can chat him up a little bit, I'll be smooth about, I swear..."
I literally had to STOP him and say, "Can we NOT even consider this as an acceptable topic of discussion, please? It wasn't Jamie Cross. It will NEVER be Jamie Cross! So, just..chill, k?"
Yeah right. As though ANYTHING that I just said to him had sunk in deep enough for him to pay me ANY attention at all.
Anyway, we got our lunch, and Joanna came to join us shortly afterwards. I thought that it was kinda strange, as it wasn't normal for Sam to let her walk...well...anywhere by herself. Hell, he followed her around and held her hand like a toddler most of the time, I don't know how she could stand it. And yet, today, she was exceptionally pleasant. Hmmmm...almost too pleasant. And even though I never got a moment alone to ask him, I definitely gave Sam a look that let him know that he was DEAD if he told her! He PROMISED me that he wouldn't. He PROMISED! Awwww...I don't want HER to know! I was just telling HIM! God...I hope he didn't tell her. That would be SOOO humiliating!
And then...that's when it happened.
I actually noticed Brandon as he walked into the cafeteria with a tray...and he wasn't alone. I mean, I don't know why I didn't expect Brandon to not have any 'friends' or anything...but...there weren't any that he ever ate lunch with before. I mean, he was always so quiet and so shy and so pretty...he just kinda stayed on his own most times. He was social and people liked him, but he was always kinda closed off before. And it just...it struck me as odd to see him hanging out with two other boys at the lunch table.
I don't think he even saw me. Not that he would care much if he did. But he was like...smiling, you know? I even heard him laugh a few times. And it...
....It BOTHERED me!!!
Why is he smiling? How can he share his smile with somebody else? I thought he was hurting. I thought he was sad that I was gone? I'm sad that HE'S gone! Then again...I was just smiling with Sam a few minutes ago, wasn't I? Maybe I'm not being fair. But dammit, it was one of those times when I just didn't CARE! Brandon's NOT supposed to be having fun with somebody else! If he's having fun, and he's NOT miserable, then there's no reason for him to want me back. There's no reason for him to EVER talk to me again if he realizes that he doesn't need me to be happy! And that would be disastrous because...well because...I kinda...need him to be happy.
What bugged me even more was the fact that one of the boys was really cute too. Hmph! I KNOW why Brandon wanted to eat lunch with him! Sweet looking little brunette emo boy with bright glow-in-the-dark blue eyes! What the hell does he think he's doing anyway, huh? Who does that kid even think he is laughing and having lunch with my boyfriend! I mean...like...it's BARELY been two weeks since we broke up! Isn't that just a little early for somebody to just 'move in' on somebody else's guy? Did he ever stop to consider that we just MIGHT get back together? Huh? I mean...well...ok, it's unlikely, but it's not fucking IMPOSSIBLE or anything! Brandon and I haven't even talked things out yet! Every time I saw one of them smile, it felt like my stomach was cramping up into a tight little knot. So I tried my best not to look. I just tried to talk to Sam and Joey and not even pay him any attention...but dammit! It's like trying not to look at a sudden fireworks display on the side of the road during a night time drive through the country!
He was LAUGHING again!!! This is so not FAIR!
Well, at least I wanted to BELIEVE that it wasn't fair. Who knows? Maybe it was. Maybe it's what I deserved for being such a snake in our relationship
You know what? I shouldn't even care. Seriously...we're broken up. That's what 'broken up' means, right? I should be out there finding my OWN cutie to sit down and laugh with, and kiss, and hold hands, and FUCK right in front of his grinning FACE! I'm not gonna let it bother me. I'm just not. In fact...you know what? The next time I see Brandon, I'm gonna smile at him and let him know that it doesn't bother me! I'll tell him that I understand, and that we're going our separate ways, and that I wish him all the best. There are other boys out there. Cute boys! HOT boys! I'm cute enough to snag me one of 'em. Hell, I've already gotten lucky two or three times, and with REALLY sexy boys too! If Brandon can just pick up a 'stray' and start sharing giggles with him over cafeteria meatloaf, then so can I. So...so THERE!
Ok, I'm starting to actually whisper my words out loud right now, which means that I'm writing too much. I've got homework any way. And DON'T mistake this entry as thinking that I'm JEALOUS! I'm SO not jealous! I just think it's kinda fucked up that Brandon would just 'forget' about me and move on like we were never in love. I mean, it's not like the whole thing was BULLSHIT! I really REALLY loved him! Who the hell is he to completely disregard my heart this way?
Whatever. I'm done. Seriously. I'm done. I'm gonna stop writing now. Right now!
- Billy (Except for my name! NOW I'll stop!)