Thursday - Ok, so I already don't like where this is going! But no matter what I said, it was like I couldn't STOP it once it got started! The word spread like cancer, and the more I tried to push it back, the faster it traveled.
The FIRST thing I heard from Sam when I saw him and Joanna at school today was, "So, dude...I hear you're throwing some kinda party this weekend? What's that about? You don't throw parties."
I'm thinking....what the hell? I'm like, "Party? WHAT party? Who told you that?"
And Joanna was like, "Lee mentioned it to me last night in an email. He sounds really excited about it. He says he can get a DJ and everything."
I told them, "There's NOT gonna be a DJ, because there's NOT gonna be a party!"
And Sam says, "Really? Because Teddy and Phil already kinda invited dates. And Teddy has been waiting FOREVER to ask this girl out, and she actually said yes. If you tell him there's no party, he's gonna be crushed."
And I said, "Well...let him 'un-crush' himself! There's NO party! No way! My mom's gonna ground for LIFE if I get caught having a big party!"
Sam is like, "It doesn't have to be a 'big' party, Billy. Just have something small. Like fifteen, twenty people. It'll be more intimate that way."
I'm like, "Dude...you're not hearing me. Seriously...don't start going around telling people that I'm having a party this weekend!"
And a that very moment, I hear Jamie Cross' voice right over my shoulder. "You're having a party this weekend?" When I turned around, Jamie was wearing that really cute, deep red, t-shirt that I like...and those faded light blue jeans that make his butt look all sweet and awesome. And just looking at those really kissable lips of his, and those bright ice blue eyes...I just froze! He was like, "Do you mind if I come? Maybe bring one or two friends?"
There has never ONCE...not since he first hit me with a water balloon at Marshall Kipper's birthday party in the third grade (When I fell in love with him forever)..been a time when I could tell that boy no! I tried to keep my cool, I tried to put my foot down...but the word 'no' would just NOT come out of my mouth around him! I just couldn't fucking DO it! So..with a really strained grin, I said, "Well...all the details haven't been worked out. So...I don't really know if...that is...there may or may NOT be a party..."
And then Jamie put his hand on my shoulder! Ahhhhh! And he's like, "Cool. Well, let me know, bud. I'll definitely make it a point to be there, man." Sighhhhh! I had to fight so HARD to not melt right out of his hands! Shit...what WAS this! What was happening here???
So Sam says,"Dude, you're making the right choice. Teddy is gonna totally OWE you for this!" And him and Joanna start to walk away.
I'm like, "WAIT! That doesn't mean that I'm having the party! I just...I was just saying that because..." Sure, like I had an actual 'explanation' for that! The strange thing is...before they started to leave for class, I got the weirdest look for Joanna. It wasn't really...BAD or anything. But there was something in her look that translated into...I don't know...suspicion, you know? I don't think she's ever looked at me like that before. What frightened me even more, was that she was completely silent when she did it. Like...she looked at me, then over at Jamie Cross, and then back at me...as if my sudden change in attitude meant something. I hadn't had anyone look at me like that since Simon first...
...Started figuring me out...
Oh God! I don't even want to THINK about that right now! Or EVER!
As if I need MORE stress on my mind!
Well, things kept snowballing from there, and soon, people that I didn't even know all that well were asking me how to get to my house! Making sure that they knew what time things were 'kicking off'! Jesus, I'm gonna totally KILL Lee if this goes wrong!
Oh....yeah....I sorta had to face Bobby Jinette today too. You know, I really REALLY don't want to hurt Bobby's feelings. That's HONESTLY the last thing that I ever wanted to do. I mean...Bobby's cool...in his own way. I mean, he has friends, he's majorly cute, he gets good grades...what the heck does he need ME for? You know? He could, like, have anybody he wants. I just get frustrated when he's constantly trying to come between me and my boyfriend all the time. That's all. I mean, I really wish that I had the conscience to keep fucking them both...but the fact is...I DON'T. I know it sounds fucked up, me turning down the chance to be having mind-blowing sex with TWO really cute teenage boys...but...it feels 'icky' inside when I do that. It feels wrong. And I knew that from the very beginning. I just...tried to go for more than I really needed. And I regret it. I regret it soooo much. I just wish it would go away already and leave me alone.
In fact, I wish it had never happened at all.
So I saw him in the hall about an hour before we were gonna have to take gym together, and the second our eyes met, his whole expression changed. It just got really 'dark', and he just tried to push his way past me. I tried to say something, but he was all like, "Fuck you. Don't talk to me." And he just kept going. Which...I guess I deserved that. I must have hurt him something awful yesterday. I kinda crossed the line, and I wanted to at least tell him that I was sorry. Truth be told, I'm just as responsible for this mess as he is. No...I'm MORE responsible. I shouldn't have toyed with his emotions like that. I just...I never expected Bobby to FALL for me! Not THAT hard! I mean the sex was an accident! MOST of it was, anyway. I just wish I could make things right again.
So when I saw Bobby again before gym, he tried to walk really fast to stay ahead of me, and I had to run to catch up to him and physically grab him by the shoulder to get him to even 'talk' to me. He looked so....hurt. And I said, "Bobby, don't be mad at me. Please? Really, I didn't mean to be so cruel."
He was like, "Yes, you did. And you KNOW you did! So cut the bullshit..."
I told him, "I AM cutting the bullshit. I was...I was wrong, and I'm sorry. Ok? Seriously, Bobby, I'm really sorry."
Bobby stopped for a second, and he rolled his eyes in frustration, like he was at total war with himself. I tried to plead with him, but he stopped me. He was like, "Billy...stop it. Ok? Please?"
And I'm like, "But..."
And he says, "Just STOP! You're just...you're really cute when you apologize." And he looked at the ground, trying soooo hard to be mad at me. And he just couldn't manage to keep his anger. It made me wonder if maybe....his control around me was as bad as mine was around Jamie Cross. "I totally hate you for being so hot, you know that?" Bobby said, and I didn't want to dig myself in any deeper. So I disregarded the compliment.
Instead, I did something that basically acted as the final nail in my coffin. I told him, "Look....I was kinda thinking of...having this...um...party this weekend. So...if you wanna come...?"
I don't know why I did it. Something about Bobby's hurt feelings making him even more kissable and lovable than ever just got to me. Thank God we were still in school. Because if we had been alone, I would have probably jumped on him like I did the last time I saw him hurt. Something about his vulnerability makes him ten times more sexy than normal. Hard to explain.
The offer kinda lifted his spirits a little bit. And he was like, "Really? Can I come? You won't be mad?"
And I said, "No. Of course not. Just...come by on Saturday. Ok?" I felt like a solution, but it really wasn't. Now I HAD to have a party. For Sam, for Joanna, for Bobby, for Teddy and his new girlfriend possibility, for Jamie Cross and his super hot ass friends...this shindig was for everybody but ME, it seemed! Shit...how am I gonna even figure out HOW to throw a party? I don't know how to do stuff like that! Shit...if it's lame, nobody will ever let me live it down. I've got preparations to make.
How the hell did I end up in this situation? I talked to Brandon about it at lunch today, and he was a bit...surprised. To say the least. He was like, "I didn't know you threw parties, Billy."
I'm like, "I *DON'T*!!! I have no idea what the hell I'm doing!"
And he's like, "Well...why are you throwing the party?"
I told him, "Because everybody is expecting one now. They're like...depending on me."
He giggled and said, "Well, ok then. Let me ask you this. What made you think of throwing a party in the first place?"
And I said, "Well...my mom was going out of town...and I kinda had the house to myself. I just kinda wanted to be alone, and then Lee had this crazy idea..."
Brandon kinda looked down at his feet for a second. He got a little bashful, but, like...in a BAD way, I think. And after a few seconds...it clicked. And I was left feeling like the DUMBEST fucking kid on planet Earth!!! He was like..."Oh. Well, yeah, I guess I could see that."
IDIOT!!! "Oh dude! You should come over!" Why the FUCK didn't I think of that before??? What the hell is WRONG with me? "Just you and me! We could totally spend some MAJOR time together."
But Brandon kinda backed down from it all. NOW he felt like he was 'intruding'. I don't know what I was thinking! He's like, "It's alright. Another time. We can get together, and make a night of it."
I'm like, "Noooo! We have to do it THIS weekend! TOMORROW! Ok? My Mom is leaving around 9:30, and you can come over right after that, k?" He didn't wanna answer. In fact he blushed, and I was like, "OK???" Hehehe, and once I got him to smile...it was game over! So NOW I've got some hot sex AND a party coming this weekend! How could life get any better than that, right?
I'm gonna talk to Lee and straighten things out with him. After cursing him out for even TELLING anybody about this, of course!
I'll write more soon! Later!