Sunday - There's something about revealing a deep dark secret that's both liberating and terrifying at the same time. You almost feel like letting out a sigh of relief, but you're afraid someone will hear ya if you do, you know?
Then...there's the big deflated feeling you get when you reveal a secret that isn't much of a secret at all. Then things get kinda...'twisted' and...wait, I'm not making any sense right now...
Let me try this again...
I felt really bad about yesterday. I mean, I'm glad that Sam came over to make me smile for a little while, because it really helped me to settle my frantic thoughts about Jimmy and AJ. But at the end of the day, I felt like shit for not really going forward and making more of an effort to protect him. I tried to just figure that he'd 'know better'..but when I woke up this morning, I was like...what if he didn't? What if they did it? It bugged me all morning, so I started to pick up the phone and call him. But remembering the response I got yesterday...or LACK of response as the case may be...I decided to just get on my bike and go over there before he had a chance to shut me out again.
Lucky for me, his mom and neighbors were cooking out in the backyard, and even though Jimmy totally gave me a dirty look for just 'showing up' unannounced, he didn't want to let his mom know that there was a problem between us. Especially after she greeted me with a big hug and introduced me to her neighbors and all. Jimmy was quick to get me in the house and away from everybody, and he wasn't happy at all.
He's like, "What part of 'stay out of my life' are you having trouble with, Billy? I TOLD you...this stupid little 'game' of yours..it's not funny anymore, ok? It stopped being funny a long time ago."
I was like, "Dude, I'm not playing a game here, I'm TELLING you the truth! AJ...I mean...Alex...he's a total user, Jimmy! HE'S the one that's playing games here!"
Jimmy cut me off, and he's like, "Billy, just stop it! Alright? I don't wanna hear it!" He made sure to look out of his bedroom window to see all of the adults downstairs, and he said, "What Alex and I shared yesterday...I needed that, Billy. Ok?"
Arrrrgh!!! No way! Awww, Jimmy, you were supposed to know better! I sat down on the foot of his bed, and I said, "Shit, Jimmy...you had sex with him?"
He's like, "Yeah, I did! And I LOVED it!"
I kept shaking my head, and even though I had lost out on preventing the big dirty deed ahead of time...I could at least take the big leap and stop it from going any further. So I looked up at Jimmy LaPlane...and I'm like, "Jimmy...dude, the reason I tried to war you about Alex...AJ...is because I've seen what he does to boys he supposedly likes." It was on the tip of my tongue...I was just trying to find the breath to actually say the words.
Jimmy was like, "Really...and how is it that you know that, Billy?" He said with a mean look, almost 'daring' me to say it. He leaned back against his dresser, and when I didn't answer right away, he crossed his arms to wait for his reply. He's like, "Go on. Tell me."
I looked down at the floor, wishing that I could just blurt it out and get it over with before the fear in my stomach rattled me to pieces. I started with, "You know....a long time ago when you invited me over...you know before you...before your, umm..."
I nodded towards his arms, and he said, "...Before my SUICIDE attempt? Yes. It's kinda hard to forget." He said, almost angrily.
It basically forced my courage to shrink right back to its microscopic size, and I found myself babbling as I tried to find a safe path towards telling Jimmy about...well...me. I'm like, "Well, you remember....what you told me. And then I said something...and you said something that asked me about what I said...but what I said wasn't really what I MEANT to say. Because what I MEANT to say...was the truth. And what I said...like...wasn't..." Jimmy was obviously confused by that whole ramble, and to be honest...so was I. I tried to start again, and thankfully Jimmy stopped me.
He was quiet for a second, and looked down at his shoes. Then he's like, "Sighhhh....I KNOW you're 'gay', Billy. If that's what you're struggling to tell me, you don't have to."
I'm like, "WHAT?!?!?!" I think my heart stopped and my lungs collapsed at that moment! I said, "What...what do you mean...?"
He's like, "I know. I've always known." Jimmy said. "Why do you think I told you about me in the first place? I kinda wanted to know if maybe...you know...you'd like me too. But...you didn't. And that's cool."
I had to stop him again. "Wait...are you telling me that you knew this whole fucking time???"
And he's like, "Yeah." Which caused a whole DIFFERENT kind of panic in me. GOD...the things I did! The stuff I SAID! He knew I was faking the whole time! I asked him why he didn't say anything, and he's like, "You pretty much said it for me. You seemed to really want to keep it a secret, so I let you. I didn't want to scare you off or anything."
I was completely floored by the idea of Jimmy walking around knowing that I was gay. I couldn't get OVER it. I said, "How? What did I do to give it away?"
Jimmy actually smiled a little bit, and said, "Don't WORRY, Billy, you're not 'swishing' around school giving off tell-tale signs or anything. I can just...'tell', you know? You're a little more convincing than most, if it's any consolation." Then he giggled and he was like, "Besides, NO straight boy would EVER let me kiss them on the lips! EVER! No matter HOW 'sorry' they felt for me. It just doesn't happen."
Suddenly...the AJ situation didn't seem like such a big obstacle. Maybe Jimmy knows a lot more than he lets on. I told him, "Jimmy...I never meant to...I mean, I'm sorry if I made you feel..."
Jimmy shook his head and said, "It's ok. I mean, yeah...it hurt for a little while. I was gonna keep on trying until you came out to me, you know? Just knowing that I might have kissing you to look forward to...it helped to clear my head once I got out of that hospital. I just kept thinking, 'if I can just hang out with him a little bit more...he'll fall MADLY in love with me and we'll live happily ever after in some big gay condo on the outskirts of town'. Hehehe, but...you know, my friend Stacy started to like you, and then you started hanging out with Brandon, and...I kinda figured things out from there."
I said, "So...you know about that too, huh?"
He's like, "I know that something 'happened' and you two aren't speaking anymore. And now he's hanging around that Stevie kid at school."
I frowned up, "God, I HATE that kid!" And it made Jimmy laugh.
Then he straightened up a bit and got more serious. "I'm not blind, you know? Alex isn't fooling me as much as he thinks he is. If his eyes wandered any more in that mall, they'd roll right out of his head."
Another surprise. I'm like, "You knew? But...you said you had sex with him."
Jimmy's like, "I DID have sex with him. A LOT of sex! And it WAS good. But...I know what this is. I just don't care." It baffled me at first, but Jimmy explained, "Billy...maybe it sounds 'sad' to someone like you..but I just needed someone to hold me for a while. I just wanted to feel something for a little while. Something good. I'm never gonna find another you...and I'm never gonna find another Lee. And that...sucks. But Alex? He approached ME, you know? For a few hours a day, he makes me feel like I'm gorgeous, and popular, and funny. He makes me feel sexy. It's kinda like...getting to be you for a day I just...I NEED that feeling sometimes, Billy. Being alone and watching everybody else run around with goofy grins on their faces, holding hands and kissing each other in the hallway...I can't take it anymore. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. You know what I mean?"
I was quiet for a second, and then said, "I was just trying to spare you a heartbreak, Jimmy. As a friend. You know that, don't you?"
And he's like, "Yeah, I know. And I appreciate it. Seriously." He moved over and gave me a big hug around the neck and a kiss on the cheek. He's all, "It just...sighhh...when you're being all cute and nice to me...it kinda hurts a little bit."
I'm like, "Hurts?"
And he says, "Yeah, I know it's silly, but...I get all goofy over you again, and then I remember that you didn't even want me to know that you were gay to save me from the embarrassing rejection that was sure to follow, and...everytime I think I'm 'done' with you, every time I get far enough away from you at school to stop thinking about you...you do something to suck my heart right back into your trap and it hurts all over again."
I have to admit...I was a bit ashamed. I said, "Shit, Jimmy...I'm sorry."
But he told me, "It's not your fault, Billy. You're supposed be awesome. That's your job as the boy of my dreams. Hehehe! If anything, you remind me what TRUE love feels like." I blushed a deep red, and Jimmy started blushing too. "I'm sorry. I should NOT be telling you all this. Hehehe!"
Things got a bit awkward, and Jimmy's mom called him from outside. So we kinda shared another hug, and he walked me to the front door. I was like, "I'll see ya, k?" I didn't know what else to say.
And Jimmy asked me, "Hey, Billy? Were you really gonna 'out' yourself to me...just to save me from making a mistake?" And I nodded shyly, which made Jimmy give me the most adorable infatuated grin. He bit his bottom lip and hugged the side of the door. I think his eyes even looked a little watery. But all he said was, "K. I'll see ya later." And he shut the door.
So was that like...a 'win' or a 'loss' as far as this situation is concerned? Maybe neither. Maybe BOTH. And how the FUCK do people keep finding out that I'm GAY??? Jesus! I've got to start dating boys in another school district somewhere! And only after midnight! You've gotta be fucking James Bond to get away with a gay teen relationship these days!
I've gotta run. But first, I think I'm gonna go back through this book and look at EVERY ENTRY IN HERE where I spent time with Jimmy LaPlane, and he didn't say anything. And *I* didn't say anything. *WE* didn't say anything! Ugh...weirdness! I have GOT to be more careful from now on!
See ya soon....