Thursday - DAMMITT!!!
Ok....alright...I shouldn't have done it! I am TOTALLY shocked and embarrassed that I did it, but I just couldn't help myself, alright?
Look...today, I just woke up in a REALLY fucked up mood! I mean, I was still hurting, it had been DAYS since Brandon told me to get lost, and I was just NOT in the mood for any bullshit today! NONE! So...um...when I got to gym class today I kinda 'jumped on' Bobby Jinette.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO, OK? It just sorta 'happened'!
He was in the locker room, getting dressed and flashing that big juicy ass of his to everybody watching him, and I was just looking away and trying to keep my temper under control. I mean, this is the fucking asshole that RUINED my relationship....you know? So I tied to keep my mouth shut, and tried to just ignore him, and as people started leaving the locker room, Bobby stayed behind, trying to find some privacy to talk to me. It only made my stomach tighten up to see him standing there. I was getting more and more angry by the second, and I was literally shaking my head at this point. Like...I swear, if he says some shit to me, I'm kicking his ass. I was SERIOUSLY holding myself back, but he decided that he just HAD to 'talk' to me! He just couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut!
He's like, "Billy...dude, this is stupid, ok?"
And I'm like, "Don't even talk to me, right now." I TOLD him to leave me alone! But he didn't listen.
He's telling me, "C'mon...how many times do I have to say that I'm SORRY, Billy?" And I mean, he actually sounds all 'emotional' and shit about it But I'm just not in the mood. So I slam my locker shut, and I tell him AGAIN to STOP talking to me! But he comes closer to me and he's like, "Can you please just look at me? I know what I did was fucked up..."
And I said, "It was REALLY fucked up!!!"
And he's like, "Ok...I mean...I know it. But you don't understand, ok? I..." He looked around the corner to see if anybody was close enough to eavesdrop, and he lowered his voice to a whisper. "...I did it because I love you, Billy. Can you not see that? Is that so hard to believe?"
I said, "Fuckin' whatever. I told you that I had somebody, and you just wanted to wreck it all so you could keep me all to yourself."
And he's all, "I KNOW I DID! It's true! I wanted you, and I didn't wanna share. And you KNEW that!" At this point he's getting all teary eyed, and he's like, "You LIKED being with me. We had funtogether."
And I gritted my teeth and said, "SEX...Bobby. That's ALL we had, was SEX!" And he touched me, and I pushed his arm off of me. "DON'T touch me! Get away from me!"
And he's like, "How could you be so fucking heartless? Fine, FUCK you then!"
So I said, "FUCK YOU TOO!!!"
And he's like, "Fine. Whatever. But it's not gonna bring your boyfriend back, is it? You shouldn't have cheated on him in the first place." And he starts to walk the fuck away from me!
So I'm like, "What the hell did you just fucking say to me???" And I walk up to him, but he pushes me first, and before either one of us know what we're doing, we are locked in a SERIOUS brawl! I couldn't even control myself, I literally just 'jumped' on him and we started beating each other up until somebody heard the noise of us slamming each other up against the lockers and came to break us up. Some of the kids in our class rushed back into the locker room to see what the hell had happened, and were shocked to see Bobby's bottom lip busted, and my nose bleeding. We had always been so 'cool' with each other before...I don't think they knew how to take it.
We naturally got dragged off to the principal's office, and it looks like we've both got detention for the rest of the fucking week. Great...MORE time spent with this backstabbing son of a bitch. Not to mention that my mom's gonna flip when she hears that I've been fighting again. And it's not like I can tell her what we were fighting about. I can't tell ANYBODY what we were fighting about! I just...I totally lost it when he had the audacity to take some...some pleasure out of taking my boyfriend away from me.
We got cleaned up, and unfortunately I was sent to my next period class. I was almost hoping to be sent home for the rest of the day, just to avoid the eyes of the people watching. And there were MANY...believe me. I never should have had that stupid party. You would think that being popular in high school would be a blessing...but it's like...you can't 'turn it off' when you just wanna be left alone. When you don't wanna be on 'display' in front of everybody, you know? Everybody was looking at me. Like...like they expected me to release some official statement to the press about my recent run-in with Bobby Jinette. Half of the people kept asking me if I was ok. The other half kept wanting to give me high fives for 'kicking his ass'. Which...honestly...didn't bring me any satisfaction either. In fact, once my adrenaline stopped pumping so hard and I calmed down...I thought about what Bobby said to me...and I started to feel really bad about it all Not only was it stupid and pointless...but...Bobby kinda...loves me. Sighhhh, how could he still love me after I've gone out of my way to treat him so awful? I just...I didn't mean to hurt him in the first place. But what was I gonna do? Keep sleeping around on my boyfriend? Avoid Bobby until high school graduation? I had feelings for somebody else, and it wasn't fair to him OR to Brandon to just keep them both.
I know I made a mistake. I know that. But I learned from it, and I'm just trying to get things back together. It's not like I did any of this to be 'evil', because I didn't. But...I guess I'm still in love with Brandon, and he won't talk to me. So having Bobby still in love with me, and not talking to him...I should be more understanding. I'm still MAD a him, but I don't really have the heart to make the whole thing his fault. What good would it do? I mean, Bobby said it best...
...It's not gonna bring my boyfriend back, is it?
I kept my head down for the rest of the day. Didn't even bother going to lunch, as Sam and Joanna would have grilled me to death about this whole Bobby Jinette fight. Not to mention, if I know Sam...he would have been ready for the both of us to 'greet' him again after school to teach him another lesson. And I just wasn't about that at all. In fact, all I could think about was trying to find a way to apologize and at least save what little friendship Bobby and I had. The guilt that was building up on my shoulders, combined with the worst heartache of my life, was really making it hard to breathe. Or to even WANT to. But Simon managed to catch up to me, and asked me what was wrong. God, news travels fast in that place!
I was like, "It's nothing. Just some stupid fight."
And he was like, "What the heck are you fighting with Bobby Jinette for? I thought you guys were cool?"
I really didn't need to get into it. I really just wanted to stop 'talking' about it already. And I told Simon, "Just forget about it, ok?"
But then he said, "Well, does Brandon know that you guys were fighting? I thought they were cool too?"
And just having him say Brandon's name...I dunno...my eyes started to tear up right then and there I just remember my hands trembling and a sniffle or two...and then I softly told him, "Brandon and I...we're not talking right now." Which seemed to bring Simon a bit of distress. But before he had a chance to say anything more, and before I started letting tears slide down my cheeks, I said, "I've gotta go to class. But I'll see you later, k?"
I had to do my time in detention hall today, with Bobby sitting all the way on the other side of the room, not so much as looking in my direction. And, funny thing, I saw Trace in there too, who walked in with a smile. He just said, "Bad Boy Billy." And grinned a bit as the monitor stopped us from talking altogether. I had to stay for an hour and a half, and when it was time to leave, Bobby blasted out of there, making sure that he didn't have to look me in the face. I think I hurt him really badly this time. And he just didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Understandable, I guess.
Trace offered to have some fun at his house for a while after school, but I told him, "Sorry, but I can't. When my mom gets a hold of me, I'm sure that I'm going to be under some severe punishment for quite a while. I was lucky enough to not get it too bad for having a party while she was away...but fighting in school and detention on top of it? Chances are I won't be seeing daylight for while"
Trace was like, "Aww, sucks to be you, man. Ah well, door's always open, man. See you tomorrow."
So...yeah, my mom flipped out, and I'm grounded for two weeks. No TV, no video games, no phone, no internet except for school work, and double chores until I can 'learn to control my temper'. I'm sure she's gonna make these next two weeks hell for me, every chance she gets. But...with the way I'm losing my old friends, avoiding the new ones, and dealing with my broken heart..I didn't have anywhere to go anyway. I doubt my mom or the school could find a punishment that could be any worse than what I'm already going through.
Anyway, I'm going to bed soon. I've gotta wash all the dishes and clean the grills in the oven first though. My mom says she wants them sparkling before I go to sleep tonight. So I'll write more later.
And to Brandon...wherever you are...I miss you. Please come home to me. Life is so empty without your smile. And it's killing me inside.