I try not to think about it too much...but it's impossible for me to block it out sometimes.
Especially, when he's sitting right behind me in the family mini-van.
See...here's the thing...my family doesn't know that I like boys yet. Not that I've really wrestled with my attractions in any significant way, nor have I suffered through any long bouts of shame or depression...I just never got around to telling them. I'm only seventeen years old, and it's not like I have a steady boyfriend or anything, so why bother? The extent of my sexual experience comes from a guy I used to trade nude pics with online, and a one time mutual jack off session with another boy at Summer camp. So the idea of me making some big public announcement about my secret desires for the same sex just never felt necessary to me. At least not yet.
But then...there was Sascha.
My little brother, Alex, recently turned thirteen and he had a bunch of friends that he used to hang out with, but ever since he met Sascha about three or four months back...I noticed his other friends dwindling down, more and more, until it was just the two of them. I haven't even heard him mention his other friends in weeks. It was just...strange.
I may be older than the two of them, but I know a dynamite beauty when I see one. I know the boys that turn heads at first glance, and Sascha was definitely 'that kid'. Also thirteen years old, with an androgynous beauty that had just enough of a balance on the 'boy' side that you could tell his gender if you were looking closely enough. Longish, light blond, hair that shimmered like polished gold in the sunlight. A pair of 'Disney character' sized hazel eyes that were much more green than light brown, and pink lips that seemed to draw you in with lush temptation. Everything about him was provocative in ways that would force me to turn away from staring at him. Just out of the fear that I'd feel like a creep for the increasingly erotic thoughts he inspired within me. He was...a perfect ten. The first that I had ever seen.
Every year, at the end of Spring Break, our whole family gets together for a day in this big park by the lake. It's a bit of a trek, but it was the one place that was equidistant from all of the different parts of the state that my family lived in. Plus, a road trip can be fun. We can barbecue and play frisbee and swim and catch up with what's going on in each other's lives...it just makes for a great weekend. Usually, Alex would bring his typical brat pack of playground pals and they'd be bouncing around in the backseat, making a ton of noise, until my mother and I had exhausted all of our warnings to turn the car back around and go home. It was just a headache that we had gotten used to.
But this year, he only brought Sascha. And they're whole dynamic was different.
To be honest...I almost missed the noise, now that it was gone.
I kept looking in the rear-view mirror. Sascha was sitting right behind me, so I didn't have a great angle to really marvel over his good looks the way I wanted to from there. But when my mom and I would trade places and she'd let me drive for a bit...I had Sascha in full view in that mirror. The problem was, now I had to keep my eyes on the road. Which was difficult to do when his distracting radiance kept pulling my gaze back to him like a magnet. The way the sun poured in through the mini-van window...he looked like an angel. I swore that he was, literally, glowing. How can he be so nonchalant about being so undeniably gorgeous? Seriously. He's stunning.
And that brings me to the one thing that I try to keep out of my head. At first, i just figured that it was a figment of my imagination. There was no way that it could be anywhere close to true. But the evidence is building. And as I stared at Sascha's reflection in that rear-view mirror, I began to realize that boys that pretty often attract more than just random 'buddies' to hang out with.
Let me explain...
I never even considered the idea that my brother might like boys the way that I do. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he's straight as an arrow. But compared to everything that I've known about Alex since he was old enough to walk, there has been a significant change in his behavior these past few months. The first time Sascha walked through our back door, I immediately tripped into a state of utter shock. He's young, sure...but DAMN! That boy is about as drool worthy as you can be and still be considered human. But...I'm gay. I'm supposed to be able to notice things like that. I just figured that Alex had found himself a really good friend that just so happened to be hot as hell.
They laughed, they wrestled, they goofed around together...they were friends. That's what boys do. It was perfectly natural. They had sleepovers almost every weekend, and played video games while shouting playfully at one another over who was the biggest loser. Then...as time went on...things changed.
It's hard to put my finger on when it started, but they started becoming a bit more private with their activities. More exclusive. I used to see Alex and Sascha watching TV in the living room, or playing in the backyard. They used to go to the park, or hang out in the kitchen with a table full of junk food and snacks. But now? They come in the house and it's straight to Alex's room. Door shut. n/o visitors allowed. The change was gradual, but quickly achieved. They stopped talking about what they were doing when they were in there. Stopped talking about what they did when they were outside too. By the time I had really become aware of the strangeness of their behavior, I had already become accustomed to it. It was normal. Like I said, I didn't see any need to be suspicious.
But the 'hints' just kept building up as the two of them got closer.
As I was driving, I looked in the rear-view mirror again, just to watch him for a few seconds. Wow. He lightly brushed some of his blond locks out of his eyes for a moment, and I could have sworn that it had happened in slow motion. His luxurious lips seemed to pout slightly as he was looking down at his cell phone. It was a sight to behold. What would it be like to kiss those graceful, rose colored, cushions and taste his breath for the first time. Ugh! See? This is why I try to keep from looking at him for too long. What am I doing?
I don't think my mom was really taking any notice of the boys in the back, probably grateful for the peace and quiet...but I did. Alex was looking down at his cell phone too. And while we were used to the public outbursts of boyish banter between him and his friends, the rapid tapping of their fingers let me know that they were texting. And from the rhythm of their back and forth, one boy typing while the other one waited...I could tell that they were texting each other. Occasionally, Alex would giggle out loud, and then he'd text something back...causing Sascha to snicker to himself as well. Again...what could have been a normal conversation, spoken out loud in the back seat of a mini-van during an extended road trip, had suddenly become a secret. Private digital whispers that no one else was able to listen in on.
What were they talking about? What was so funny? And...why was Sascha suddenly blushing like that?
At our house, my bedroom is practically across the hall from my brother's room. So, even when they go in there and close the door, I can't help but to feel their presence in the house and notice what's going on to a certain degree. I'm sort of a homebody, so when they're in the house, I'm in the house. And that's what I'm talking about. Things got increasingly weird as time went on. They used to play video games with the door wide open. I even remember telling him to close it, from time to time, so I could concentrate on my homework. Shortly after that, the door was closed all the time. Same games, same comments, same laughter...just with the door closed. For a while, I thought my brother was just being considerate. Or, at the very least, was sick of hearing me bitch about it. But again...things changed.
There were a couple of times when the door was closed, but the volume on his TV was turned up louder than normal. And a few times, I'd walk past his door...and the video game was technically on...but it sounded like it was just the opening intro screen, playing over and over again on repeat. Like...nobody was actually playing the game, they just had it on for background noise.
And the utter 'silence' that accompanied it...
Where were the playful pushes and shoves and random giggles that used to be so constant in my brother's bedroom? Now, it was like, I almost never heard anything. There were a couple of times that I got curious about it, but didn't approach him because I thought it would be more embarrassing for me than it would be for him. But I did wonder. Quite often.
I checked the rear-view mirror again, and Sascha and Alex seemed to be exchanging a friendly grin with one another, but they didn't really say anything. And yet, there was a wordless message that seemed to be sent and received. One that I couldn't decipher, personally...but they shared it like an inside joke between them. So strange.
He is really beautiful. Sascha is the kind of boy that I would have fallen all over myself for when I was his age. From his flat chest and stomach, to his splayed legs, to the sensual curve of his neck. I would have picked him out of line up of the hottest boys in school, and chosen him to be mine all mine if I had the chance. The sight of him was mesmerizing. It would be impossible for me to think that my little brother didn't notice. I mean, he's GOT to look at him every now and think...Jesus, he's cute!
As I kept glancing back a few times, Sascha's greenish gold specs glanced back at me through the reflection, and I was forced to look away before his extravagant beauty took a hold of my heart.
Alex has GOT to know how amazing this boy is. The question is...whether or not his beauty is what attracted him to Sascha in the first place. I don't think he's gay. Hell, neither one of them might be interested in other boys for all I know. But at an age when hormones are constantly bubbling out of control for the very first time...I imagine that it's pretty normal for boys to 'experiment'. Right?
I mean...is that what's going on here? Has my baby brother just found himself a special friend?
I heard Sascha laugh behind me, my brother joining him a second later, and I checked the mirror to see what they were doing. Nothing out of the ordinary, I don't think. But whatever it was, as always, it was a game built for two. No intruders allowed.
Their relationship isn't what I would call intimate or romantic. It could easily be dismissed as two boys enjoying each other's company. But there have been times when I've heard them go completely silent when I entered the room. Times when they whisper to one another, cupping their hands over their mouths so I couldn't even read their lips if I wanted to. And once, I remember seeing them rubbing their sock feet together from opposite ends of the couch. An activity that they stopped abruptly the moment they saw me watching it.
I wonder...do they fool around when they think no one's looking?
Is that why none of Alex's other friends matter anymore? Is that why Alex closes his bedroom door and play the TV loud to mask the sounds coming from his room? How far have they gone with each other?
Do they kiss? Oh wow, if I was in Alex's shoes...kissing Sascha would be the very FIRST thing on my list of things to do to him. Do they just stand up and smooch each other? Or maybe they sit down and really make out, tongues and all. Or maybe...they actually lay down on the bed and really go for it. Dry humping and all. Hard shafts aching for release, being rhythmically grinded into each other while both boys were left breathless from the erotic contact. Hearts beating rapidly. Eyes closed. An exploration of youthful sexual tension and the many blissful sensations that come along with it. I can't even imagine a gorgeous boy like Sascha even being a part of that. But then again...the hottest boys you've ever seen in your life...they have passions too.
God bless you if you're the one to discover that first.
Is it possible that they might have even gone further than that? Maybe shirtless kissing? Maybe in nothing but their underwear, during one of their sleepovers? Whispers and quiet attempts to control their involuntary whimpers in the dark as they tried to get as much enjoyment out of their sensual pleasures as the fear of getting caught would allow. What goes on behind that closed door when they think the rest of us are asleep?
Maybe even further than that? Naked? Oh wow...is it possible that my brother has been given the green light to be enchanted by the mercilessly smooth and silky skin of this beautiful boy? Arms and legs intertwined. Legs tangled in a sensual embrace of their own. A full body experience that would send shivers shooting through even the most experienced sexual partner. And if they were naked...has Alex tasted him? Has he scooted down low enough to maybe give Sascha's intimate treasures a few long licks, and a slow sucking? Has Sascha returned the favor? Was it temporary? Experimental? Or was it a mutual servicing of their carnal desires until they both exploded with the sweet offering of release? Leaving them shivering helplessly and gasping for air while they wiggled their hips and tried to keep quiet at the same time?
I can only imagine...
I could imagine them going even further, but I choose not to. It would be a difficult message to get out of my mind once that line has been crossed. Especially is it was pretty pretty Sascha who was on the bottom.
I'll just leave those thoughts unformed for now. I don't want to find myself masturbating to images of my little brother thrusting his hard shaft into the tight hole of his best friend. That may be going a mile too far.
But as I looked back into that rear-view mirror between my necessary glances back at the road and limited traffic in front of me...I saw my kid brother and his best friend sharing a few sweet moments that suggested that their interaction went way beyond giggles, video games, and playing 'footsie' on the living room couch. And maybe that's a good thing. I wish I could have been so lucky.
Will Alex turn out to be gay? I don't know. I doubt it. But he seems to be having a whole lot of fun for now. And I'm cool with that. Maybe even a bit jealous. Because Sascha really is...he's...a total WOW! I can't get over how beautiful he is.
I suspect they'll go searching for opportunities to be alone once we get to the park, and I'm sure that they'll find quite a few. I don't mind making myself scarce for a little bit so they can have some fun. It happens. It's a 'boy thing', you know?
I just kept driving. Kept fighting the urge to look back to see what they were doing. And tried to restricted my infatuated stares to a minimum. Maybe they're boyfriends. Maybe they're just fooling around. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. Either way, it's none of my business.
Let them have their fun, you know? You only get to be young once...and then it's gone. The fleeting nature of those first few sexual experiences is what makes them special. Even if it's just sharing a mutual stroke with a boy at Summer Camp. Heh...it's crazy how I took that for granted when it actually happened to me. Ahhh, memories.
I wish Alex and Sascha the best. I don't know where things will go from here...but I'm sure they'll figure it out somehow.
Like I said...I try not to think about it too much...but it's impossible for me to block it out sometimes.
THANKS FOR 22 YEARS OF LOVE AND SUPPORT, YOU GUYS!!!