Don't think that it never crosses my mind. The pointlessness of getting up in the morning, taking a long, hot shower, and getting myself all squeaky clean...just to come to the "Walking Dead" set and have make-up artists do their best to get me all dirty again. Hehehe! But that's the job, I suppose. At least I get to feel neat and tidy on the drive up there. Then I sit in a chair in my grimy wardrobe clothes, have my hair fashionably tossed about, and wait while they use pads and brushes to smear dirt all over me again. You know, if I was a crafty little 5- year-old again, I might actually get a kick out of this.
Not as much today, though. Because...well...maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here...but I thought Greyson might want to come visit me again soon. You know? So I kinda want to look my best. Not...well, not like this. I've never heard anybody say, "Wow! He looks dirty and smelly and like he's been rolling around in the mud! That's soooo sexy!" But whatever. I'm sure he'll get it.
Don't get me wrong, there's a tiny little skeptic in the back of my mind that's constantly trying to reason with me about what happened a few days ago. That maybe the whole thing was a fluke, you know? Greyson's so sweet and so polite, that he probably wouldn't have an angry word to say to anybody. Even to some strange boy who decided to lunge forward and kiss him on the lips one afternoon without asking. It might have just been a one-time thing. It might have just been my infatuated mind making up signals that weren't there. The most severe form of wishful thinking. I'm SURE that I'm not the first gay teenager to fall for that pretty smile. What makes me so special? It had been days and no word from him. I couldn't help but to start the worrying process over whether or not anything was going to come from that one little incident by the lake. I mean, I gave him a kiss and a sandwich. That's hardly a dowry worthy of boy to boy marriage.
And yet....even when in doubt, I think about his smile, and the glimmer in his eyes, and the gentle shade of pink in his blush...and this totally illogical rush of emotion floods into my heart, quickly spreading to every part of me. And I find it hard to concentrate on anything other than trying not to giggle out loud so the rest of the folks on set won't think that I've lost my marbles. It was harder than you would think. Something about that memory, something about wondering if he's thinking about me too...it just tickled me under the ribs, and refused to go away. It would catch me by surprise sometimes. And it made me feel lighter than air.
I just wish he'd call. I really really wish he would call.
Asa was in the make-up trailer with me this morning. Sitting not more than a few feet away from me in a make-up chair of his own. He was playing a handheld video game at the time, and the game screen seems to cause his blue eyes to glow even brighter than normal.
I was staring at him. I don't think I meant to. He's just sort of pretty, so your gaze gets stuck on him sometimes. But as I watched them fix his hair and all...my mind began to wander. It was like picking at a scab, to be honest. It sucks and it stings a little, but it quickly becomes so addictive that it's hard to stop. I just couldn't keep myself from thinking about Asa and Chandler being alone together. Keeping their dirty little secret from the rest of the world, and having the time of their lives doing it. Every single time they magically vanished from the set, I felt this little hole in my heart being painfully stretched open just a little bit wider. I wanted to see. I really did. Hell, whenever they came back, I wanted to French kiss Asa on the mouth, just so I could know what Chandler tasted like. It was always the same when they returned to set. Slightly out of breath, big smiles on their faces, and a shine that came from the thinnest sheen of sweat. Relaxed. Mellowed out. Happy. I think they were doing more with each other now than they were when I was watching through the window. They just seemed more...'connected'. Sometimes, just a silly glance exchanged between them across the table during lunch breaks could speak volumes. And I eventually had to start eating at another table just keep myself from getting obsessed with the ache of it all.
I wonder what it's like when they're alone. I mean, not just sneaking offset to a trailer for a few minutes...but really 'alone'. Do they take their time? Do they kiss for hours on end? Does Chandler slowly glide his hands over Asa's flesh and caress him with tenderness and love? Does Asa turn Chandler over onto his stomach and gently kiss the back of his neck and shoulders just moments before sliding his hardness into him and feeling the snug little hole gripping him from all sides? Does Chandler grimace from the penetration? Or does he love it more than anything? Do they allow their moans and whimpers to ring out in ecstasy? Or do they still speak only in whispers, even when lost in the throes of passion?
So much that I wish I knew. So much that I wish I could experience for myself. And I feel so locked out of their little game. It's so unfair.
I sighed to myself as I got out of the make-up chair. Thinking to myself, "I REALLY wish Greyson would call."
If for no other reason than to provide me the proper distraction to get this madness off of my mind.
While we were filming...I kept taking glances at Chandler's butt. I hope nobody was paying me any attention. Only a few lines of dialogue per episode kept me from being just an extra body in the background while Asa stole the show. But still...I had to make sure that nobody was taking notice of me perving over him every few minutes.
It was a really nice ass too. The curve that stretched out from his lower back and reconnected on the back of his thighs...it was amazing. He was wearing camouflage pants, but they definitely clung to the peaks of those delicious mounds with a loving embrace, occasionally giving me a hint of the narrow cleft in between. They just looked 'bag of marshmallow' soft, and once I got a good eye full...I had to force myself to turn away. It was the only way to stop thinking about it. And I HAD to stop. I'm sure that a full-blown erection is NOT going to look good on camera! Just saying.
It was a long day. The Summer heat was worse than the day before. They had giant fans for us to stand in front of when we weren't rolling. They didn't want us to be pouring sweat and uncomfortable while trying to act on camera. But they 'misted' us with a spray bottle anyway when we went back for our next scene. Not to mention that the lighting they used was too harsh to be ignored. Every light bulb might as well have been a miniature version of the Summer sun itself. So those few cherished moments in front of the fan were pretty much wasted. Ugh! Hollywood and its bright ideas.
"Alright, Evan...you've got the blocking right?" The director of the episode asked me.
"Yeah. I think. So." I nodded.
"Great. So...you walk to your mark, say the line, and I need you to walk forward towards your second mark while continuing the dialogue. Alright?" I nodded again. "Watch your pacing. I don't want you to block the other actor from the camera." Everything was put into place, and I got myself pumped up to do this. I knew my lines and all, and wasn't worried about my acting too much...but there's always this touch of anxiety anyway just before they yell 'action'. I don't know...it's something that I'm getting used to.
Besides, if I can kiss a cute boy pop star on the lips without thinking about the consequences...then this should be a breeze.
"Ok, quiet on set. Background. And...action!"
The scene was simple. Me and an older guy walking and talking about how we got to where we were. I got to tell them how my parents and little sister didn't make it, and how I've been hanging out with the group of teens at the local high school in order to survive. It was cool to bring some emotion to my character today. I had been looking forward to it for quite some time now. Who knows? If I do a good enough job...maybe they'll invite my character back for some scenes next season. I mean, anything is possible. They don't give us the scripts too far in advance, but I'll keep my fingers crossed.
I just happened to notice Asa and Chandler creeping off again. Just like they did every day. And this time, they were giggling harder than ever.
I wish I hadn't seen them leaving. It totally wrecked my focus. Which demolished my confidence. Which, in turn, erased my memory. Even after all that practicing in the mirror, I suddenly found myself completely lost on what I was supposed to say! I mean...I was trying to just roll with it...maybe improvise a little bit, but that only made me flub my lines even worse than before.
They were out there somewhere....
Kissing and rolling around naked. Right now, Asa is gripping those firm cheeks in his hands and feeling his hard length pushing into him. Warm breath on the nape of his neck. Leaking nectar. Licking. Sucking. Holding. Moaning. Swallowing. Fucking!
Why did this still bother me? Why do I care? I just wanted to block it out. I just....I wanted to get back to work.
It's times like this that I really do believe that ignorance is bliss. Because I'd be much better off if I had never peeked in that trailer window. I swear.
"Cut!" The director said, now for the fourth time. "Evan? I need you to concentrate. Ok? Do you need to take a look at the script again?"
"Um, no. I'm sorry. I've got it." I said.
"Uh-huh. Sure. I'm ready."
"Alright. Going again. Quiet. Background. And...action!"
I started again, trying to give a decent performance. But whenever the other actor in the scene was speaking...my mind went right back to what was going on in that trailer. I thought about Asa sucking on Chandler's tongue. Slipping his shirt over his head to suck hard at his erect nipples. Having him spread his legs wide to later wrap them lovingly around Asa's back.
It was my turn to deliver another line of dialogue. "We didn't know whether to stay put or try to find another safe place to go. Walkers kept finding ways in. Sometimes just one or two at a time, but then they got worse. So we decided that we'd have to make a break for it before things got too big for us to handle." I said. Line delivered. Ok. Cool. So far so good.
But as the other actor started talking...my teenaged mind was zapped right back to the issue at hand. Was Chandler sucking Asa off right now? Was he licking the tender folds and wrinkles of his sack? Was he using the inexperienced muscles of his tongue to encourage the thick, warm, wet, nectar, that Asa had to offer...to erupt into his eager mouth? Would his moist lips be enough...or would Chandler use a finger to enter his lover and pressure him for a more powerful release? Maybe he'd hold off. Maybe Chandler wanted Asa's seed to be placed elsewhere. With his knees pressed against his shoulders, and Asa's bright blue eyes staring down into his own...
Breathing in soft gasps and whimpers...
The motion of Asa's hips becoming stronger, more aggressive...then erratic...
The build of orgasm...
That maddening build...
The throbbing shaft, the pulse of heated liquid being forced into the warm, constricted, tunnel as the inner muscles swirled and chewed defiantly at its highly erotic invader...
They would be soooo lost in the moment. It would be the greatest of pleasures. A climax that was worthy of legend. Poetry in the flesh...
It seemed vulgar to me at the time...but I would lick the sheets they made love on if I had the chance.
"Evan?" The director called out, snapping his fingers.
"It's your line."
Did he stop talking? Already. Shit.
It was humiliating!
"Ok, you know what, let's take five, people! Everybody take five. Let's get ourselves together here. Freddie? How are we doing on daylight?" The director didn't really come out and say it, but just from the look on his face, his tone of voice, and the fact that he was having a few private whispers with some of his cameramen and producers...I could tell that he was frustrated. A lot of people were frustrated.
I'm BLOWING it! Dammit! My first big job, and I'm blowing it!
I was practically cursing myself for being such an idiot. I just wanted to stop thinking about them. I really WANTED to! I just....couldn't.
Something about them being so intimate...I don't know....it just made me feel lonely. It really did.
Someone on set brought me a bottled water, and I noticed that they also 'conveniently' brought me the script for that particular scene. Obviously, the director thought that I needed to review it some more and get myself back on task before I ended up ruining an important scene for everyone. And that would be a BAD thing. Trust me. Mad at myself for being a screw-up, I walked back towards the big fan so I could cool off and get some of this perspiration off of my face before it got into my eyes and started stinging the hell out of me.
I was trying to hold the pages still in the synthetic high wind, rereading my lines so that I could keep them in my head a lot better than I had been before. What was it? "...We decided that we'd have to make a break for it before things got too big....hmmm...a bit too BIG..." No, that's too over the top. "A bit too big for us to handle...." I think that's right. That should work.
"Having an off day?" Came a voice from not too far behind me. I turned my head and nearly dropped the script at my feet as I saw that magic smile greeting me for the first time since I kissed those lips almost a week ago. Oh, my GOD....it was the cutest thing in the world to me, and it worked wonders to lift my mood into orbit. I couldn't even tell you why. It just did. Greyson grinned to himself, and he said, "I'm sorry. I was watching from behind the thingy over there. It looked like your mind was elsewhere."
"My...I mean...well, yeah...I guess you could say that...hehehe..." I didn't know what to do. I began to fidget uncontrollably. It was like my body temperature and adrenaline levels were quickly racing to the point where they were both ready to boil over. But my so-called common sense tried to stop them before I went bonkers. What was this? Why was he here? WAS he really here? I don't know. I missed him to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if this glorious vision turned out to be a figment of my imagination.
But nope! The image of him remained solid. And a giddy sensation raced through me like a shiver on a frosty Winter morning. Omigod...he actually came back for me!
We were both a bit clumsy and speechless for a moment. Then he nervously held out a brown paper bag. "I brought you something."
"You did?" I said.
"Yeah. I hear that it's the best Italian beef sandwich in the state. Well, that's what the locals say anyway." Greyson's whole face, his whole aura, shines brightly when he smiles at you. And you specifically. It's blinding. He said, "I figured...I owed you one. You know...because of a few days ago. I hope you like Italian beef."
Feeling a bit weak in the knees from an intense affection for this boy...I could only nod my head and mumble, "Yeah. I...um...I love Italian beef..." God, I was so helpless.
Greyson giggled sheepishly. "Good. Well, I wasn't sure, so..." He trailed off for a moment, and we just kind of stared into each other's eyes for a moment. Was he feeling what I was feeling? Was it as strong for him as it was for me? Because I was seriously about to be knocked off of my feet, here. The moment might have been only a few seconds in real time. But in 'love' time...it was damn near infinite. "It's dipped. So...the bread is nice and soggy." He said. "I hear that you need to wreck an entire handful of napkins just to get through one sandwich. Which...I don't know...sloppy sounds tasty to me. Hehehe!"
Hearing him laugh...it took my breath away.
"So...is it?" I asked.
He said, "Is it what?"
"Is it tasty?" I smirked.
"I don't know yet. I've never tasted it before."
I thought that was weird, but I just giggled and said, "So how do you know it's the best Italian beef in the state?"
"I don't. That's just what people say." He shrugged. "But I got another one for me. Because I figured....well, you know..." Greyson blushed again, and this time it was a deeper shade of red than any that I had seen before.
"No. I don't. What were you gonna say?" I asked.
"I just..." Greyson rolled his eyes with a smile. It was so cute that I found myself ready to fall over again. He sighed playfully, and he said, "I thought that maybe we could try the sandwiches out for the first time. You know...'together'." He grinned. "Besides, I wanted to see you again, Evan. I've kinda been looking forward to us...sharing another lunch. Or something....?"
I felt the fear begin to shake and tremble in my gut the second he looked me in the eye. I can't explain why. There was no risk, no problem, no threat, involved here. But I felt it anyway. It was more overwhelming than just entertaining mental pictures of Asa and Chandler having sex. It was a different feeling. Something more accessible. Something...warm and sweet and full of sunshine. Something that possessed me, inside and out. And I wanted to be a part of it. With all of my heart and soul.
I reached out a hand to feel the bottom of the bag, and I said, "It's still warm..." I don't know. It just felt like something that I should say at that moment.
Greyson told me, "Well, I wouldn't bring you something cold, now would I?"
"I guess not."
I smiled at him.
And he smiled back, letting his gaze drop down to his feet. One of his shoes digging bashfully in the dirt as he fought to avoid my eyes.
Then he said, under his breath, "So....do you get a break sometime soon, or.....?"
I was almost too giddy to answer at first. But I managed to say, "I've got...um....I've gotta finish this scene, and then...I mean...maybe." He looked up at me, and it was so adorable that I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. So I said, "I'll...be done in a few minutes. I hate to make you wait, but..."
"Oh, I don't mind!" He said. "It's cool. Maybe we can even...." Greyson cleared his throat, his blush turning an even deeper shade of crimson. "Maybe we can go back to that little lake that you took me to before. So we can be...'alone'." He seemed sooooo shy about making himself clear, but I could tell by the tilt of his boyish smirk that he was just as interested in seeing what could develop between us if we went out there again as I was. And that excited me in ways that you couldn't imagine.
"Ummm...hehehe...." Still trembling, I said, "Ok. I'd...I'd like that a lot. I just...I have to...hehehe..."
Greyson touched my arm, ever so lightly, and he said, "Take your time. I'm not going anywhere without you. K?"
"Hehehe...k...." I said.
If I thought that I could kiss him on the lips right away without getting caught, I would have. In fact...getting caught almost didn't matter when weighed up against the urge of holding Greyson in my arms again. But social values held their ground in this case. And I decided to wait until we had a chance to be...you know...ourselves.
I heard the director calling everybody back to set, and I HATED to have to say goodbye to Greyson, even if it was only for a few minutes. But I told him, "I'll be RIGHT back! Ok? Keep that sandwich warm for me."
He giggled, "I can't guarantee you that. But I'm not going anywhere. Promise."
"Promise????" I asked again.
"Cross my heart and hope to die." He said.
I backed away from him as he brushed a few brown locks of hair out of his eyes. And we shared a lovely smile as I tried to shake off the goofy tingles that he inspired just by being there.
My baby came back to me. He really came back to me! And all I could think about was...if I get this scene right, and we go back out to that lake, then I'll be pressing my eager lips against his in less than an hour. If THAT isn't inspiration for me to get my lines right...then I don't know what is!
Alright...back to work! Two takes! That's all I need! I've got an angel waiting for me. And I want to spend as much of my afternoon with him as possible. Even if nothing happens between us...just being around him makes me happy. More than happy. I'll never get enough. Not ever.
Give me fifteen minutes, Greyson! And I'll give you my heart.
Wow...I still can't believe he remembered me....
How amazing is that???