Tuesday - Have you ever had one of those long lost relatives in your family that you only remember vaguely for a moment or two...and then forget about the second they're out of your sight? One of those family members that you only need to know on two occasions...when you know they're coming to the family reunion...and when they up and die on you. Well, one of them up and died on me this morning.
My mom says that I should remember him, but I really can't recall anything at all. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel bad that he's 'dead' and all...but it hasn't really jogged my memory much as to who he was. Geez, nice way to take notice of someone's influence on your life, Billy. I hope I'm not being a jerk about this.
Anyway, my mom wasn't really in tears or anything. It was more like she just thought it was a shame. I guess he died pretty young. Only 35 years old...and he had some kind of sudden brain thing. Or was it a heart thing? Hmmm...I don't really remember. I thought it impolite to ask. Anyway, she wants to send flowers, and maybe drive all the way out there for the funeral. I certainly hope she doesn't want to take me with her. I do NOT wanna waste my weekend with my whacked out family! They're barely tolerable when everybody is half drunk and happy! I don't even want to DEAL with them when they're sad and lonely, trying to wet up my shirt collar with crocodile tears, mourning somebody that they probably don't remember any more than I do.
But still...like...I'm sorry he's dead. Wherever he is.
Anyway..so today was the big day. I had a choice to make. I could either go over to Bobby's house and risk losing Brandon...or I could NOT go to Bobby's house, have him tell my boyfriend what happened between us, and lose Brandon for sure. What exactly did you EXPECT me to do? I'm too scared to just assume that Bobby Jinette is bluffing about spilling the beans on the whole thing. Even with the guilt and the timid little threat that he offered me...I'm still pretty sure that he was serious about blabbing to Brandon if he didn't get his way. It was just a chance that I wasn't willing to take in this situation. So I kinda didn't have much of a choice at all.
I went to school for a little bit this morning, kinda hoping that some other alternative would present itself out of thin air. Needless to say....it didn't. The only thing staying in school for a few hours did was increase the already suffocating level of pressure around what I would inevitably be doing today in order to keep my secret with Bobby safe. I kept worrying that I wouldn't show up early enough, and Bobby would leave his house to come to school and tell Brandon before I even got a chance to get out of the building. I doubt he'd hesitate much. After all, the best thing in the world for him would be to get Brandon out of the picture completely so I could only spend time with him instead. How hard would it be to avoid a few harsh words from Brandon just to keep the boy he's obviously been longing after for years now? You know?
Anyway, I stayed for the first few class periods before I made the decision to make my escape before it was too late. The longer the school day goes on, the more alert the teachers and staff get when it comes to absence from class. Then I tried to walk out through the front door like I usually do. See...the front door is close to the nurse's office. So if someone sees you leaving, they figure that you're sick and that you have a parent or guardian waiting for you outside. So they leave you alone, no questions asked. But...if they catch you before you get to the actual hallway that you need to be in for this plan to work...then you're pretty much shit out of luck. And this was the case today...
I saw security talking in the hallway today, blocking my escape...and just as I saw them...they saw me too. So I quickly ducked into a nearby bathroom to make them think that I just had a pass during class or something. You know...whatever.
So I rush into the bathroom, and there's this...'boy' sitting there on the sink, smoking a cigarette. I mean...he was, like, just chilling in there, with both of his feet up on the counter...puffing away like it was nothing at all. He saw me come in, and just kinda stared at me like he didn't really care. I think I stood there in a frozen state for a second or two, and he raised an eyebrow. Then, he's like, "Let me guess...security is in the way of you taking a little excursion out of school, right?" I didn't say anything at first, but he told me, "Dude...go in a stall. Because if they're following you, they're gonna ask questions when they see you just standing there."
He had long brown hair, twisted up in these shiny little dreadlocks, and they matched the chocolate brown color of his eyes. His skin was pale, but had this really soft 'warm milk to it, you know? Hard to explain. Weird. I managed to say, "I just wanna get out of here." I don't know why I said it, I just did
Well, the kid put out his cigarette and blew the rest of the smoke in the air. Then he said, "Get in the stall. I'll cover for ya. But you owe me one." And he got up and swung his legs around to get down from the sink. I didn't have much chance to think of anything else...so I did what he said. I really didn't expect security to actually come into the bathroom to check on me, but I guess the other kid knew better, because sure enough, I heard him come in and ask if he had his hall pass. His response was, "Do I ever?" Which basically got him hauled off to the office to check his schedule and get him sent back to class.
Whoever he is, he's right. I do owe him one. Although getting caught ditching would have been an awesome excuse to hold Bobby off for a little while longer. IF he believes it, that is.
I was able to creep out once I gave them a chance to be out of sight, and hurried out to the bus stop. I wasn't really sure if I was happy to have avoided 'capture' or not. It gave me plenty to think about on my way to Bobby's house. I think, for the first time, my addiction to Bobby's hot sex and tight round ass wasn't enough to really excite me the way it used to. I mean, as bad as I felt about it all, as heavy as the guilt was on my shoulders..just the thought of sinking balls deep into that super snug...juicy...succulent chunk of ass...sighhhh...it would get me every time. I'd lose all control and all common sense, and the next thing you know, I was pumping and sweating with a fury while my body was praising me for finding such a sweet form of exercise. But...not this time. In fact, I felt kinda sick.
I got there, and Bobby wasn't as happy as he usually was to see me. He pretended to work up a little bit of a smile, but it wasn't anything genuine. I think the nature of this arrangement was kinda changing for him too. I mean, we both knew what this was. The blackmail wasn't implied any more, and neither was my supposed 'feelings' for him that I was so scared to admit. So how do we go about actually enjoying this?
Bobby was sorta quiet at first, and he looked down at his feet a lot. Then he was like, "You can put your shoes over there. K?" And he went in the bedroom to get undressed. We both got naked...and our first kiss was a bit...um...awkward. But he got into it pretty quick, an we tongue kissed for a bit while standing up. It's not like I could kiss another boy and not get hard, you know? So all the appropriate touches and strokes got me ready, and soon, Bobby and I got into it again. It wasn't as good as I remember though. Except for one time, when Bobby was really realy sucking my dick hard. Like, he was moaning loud, and slurping, and touching me all over down there...I mean, he was sucking me like he really wanted me to stay for good. If ever there was a blowjob designed to seduce a boy into being yours...this would be the one. My legs are STILL kinda weak and tingly from it. It was so passionate that he was actually humping the mattress, and I had to take a hold of him to keep him from 'straining' that stiffy any more than he already was. And when I grabed it, he sucked even harder, whimpering like a little uppy or something. I don't think I've ever seen someone that was soooo into a blowjob before. I couldn't take it for long. When I exploded, I couldn't keep even still! I was wiggling and aching, and I felt like my SOUL was squirting out into his mouth! Geez! It took me a long time to come down from the high of that one.
But afterwards, he wanted to like...get all 'cuddly' and stuff. Like...whatever. He snuggled his face all into my neck and really tried to make somewhat of an intimate moment out of the whole thing. But I just...I wasn't into it. Like, at all. And it's not that Bobby's not hot, and sweet, and really cute, and all...he's just...
...He doesn't do it for me the way Brandon does. There's something invisible, intangible, about Brandon that can give me the same feeling I have right now with Bobby...with just a wink. Everything that Bobby achieved through mind-blowing sex and naked snuggling, Brandon can do just by hearing him breathe over the phone, or having someone mention his name around me, or just waking up and knowing that the same sunlight that's shining down on me is out there somewhere shining down on him too. And that's why I choose him. Every time.
We didn't talk much, and Bobby knew that this just wasn't going to work out the way he wanted it to. I'm pretty sure he got the hint. But he didn't mention it. And he didn't make any mention of bringing it to an end. He seemed sorta sad when he kissed me on the cheek to say goodbye, and I just kinda said, "See ya." And left.
So yeah, another evil deed was done today. And I feel worse than I did the last few times. Everything about this was a mistake, and I should have let it all go when it started. This has gotta stop. It just...it's gotta stop.
Hold on. I got an IM from Lee.
Hahaha! Awww, it seems Lee says he has a friend who would totally DJ for us if we had a party. I thought he was just kidding about that. But I guess Jamie Cross inspired him. Well, hell...if he can ever get his house empty long enough to throw a party, I'd definitely be there. I don't know any of his friends except for Sam and Joanna and a few others. But I'll probably just be staring at him and Brandon all night anyway, so why not go? I'll have all the eye candy I could ever need. Hehehe!
Anyway, I've gotta go. I don't know how Lee has the magical ability to cheer me up when I'm feeling low, but his giggles are so contagious. Even when he's just typing them out on a computer screen. So cute.
See ya later, and wish me luck. I'll wiggle out of this somehow.