Friday - My parents are getting a divorce.... :(
There's no more guessing, no more missed phone messages, no more trial separation bullshit. They're getting a divorce, and there's nothing I can do about it.
At least now I know why my mom wanted me to come home for dinner on Friday night. I wasted my afternoon time with Simon in the student center (More on that in a bit), and then came straight home like she asked me to. By the time dinner was finished, I heard the doorbell ring, and my dad was standing there. I wish I had the words to describe the confusion that I felt just seeing him there. I wish I had the words to explain how much I was trembling all the way through dinner while my mom and dad put on a bad act of trying to be normal. At first I thought that I might be in some kind of serious trouble. I thought that maybe they just discovered some horrible thing that I did when I was twelve, and were getting ready to pounce on me at any moment. But as the dinner went on, and they kept exchanging glances at each other...I knew that things were much worse than that. They were being too nice to me. Something had to be up, right? Then...just as I was getting ready to get up from the table and put my dish in the sink, my mom actually reached out and took a hold of my hand. She just....kinda held it for a second, and looked at me with this....this pitiful grin. The last time she had given me a look like that, someone had run over my pet hamster with the vacuum. Considering I don't have a hamster at the moment, I assume this was going to be twice as bad. It was an uneasy feeling to say the least.
My mom had this teary eyed expression on her face, and she said, "Billy...your father and I want to talk to you, ok?" I just kept looking back and forth. To her, to him, to her, to him...and then....just down at my hands. I didn't want to hear it. My mind started spinning at a million miles an hour, and I just...I didn't want to be there. I felt like I was just tricked into even being at this dinner table with the both of them. No, this isn't happening. I refused to believe it. My eyes went blind so I wouldn't see it. My ears went deaf so I couldn't hear it. But...when my father cleared his throat and said the words....my tears were pretty much instantaneous.
"Billy...your mother and I haven't been doing too well. Not for a while now. And...we've decided to get a divorce." That's just how he said it. Twenty two words exactly. Twenty two little words...and my whole life got run through the fucking shredder. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My eyes filled up so fast that I couldn't even be enough of a man to hold them back. And when the tears ran down my cheeks, they were warm. Almost hot. I gasped for a bit of air, and held it as I tried to keep my face muscles from tightening up. I didn't dare make a sound other than a sniffle or two, but the emotion only pushed harder at the gates. And I was suddenly flooded with past images from my life. Picnics and birthday parties, trips to the movies and family vacations, dead hamsters and floating goldfish. I thought about snowball fights and cub scouts and dinner table chit chat that didn't involve the most horrific news of my young life. Yeah...I thought about all of those things at once, as if it were for the last time. And I watched every single one of those fond memories fade away into nothingness. This black void of instant depression. It was a moment when I wish that I didn't understand.
"Billy...honey, we both love you VERY much. And we don't want you to think that this has anything to do with you, ok?" How could my mom say that? How? Nothing to do with me? This has EVERYTHING to do with me! I'm....I'm alone now! Don't they get it? My whole past has been ERASED! My whole FUTURE has been erased! Every thought that I've ever had of having my parents holding hands at my graduation, or growing old together, or visiting on future holidays when I'm grown up and we drive each other crazy...all gone! Gone because they were too fucking STUBBORN to get along with each other! It's not FAIR that I should have to suffer for this! It's not FAIR!!!
I tried to stand up from the table, but my mom held on to my hand, forcing me to physically pull away from her. I didn't say anything to either one of them. I couldn't. If I had spoken a single word, I would have broken down into uncontrollable sobs right there at the table. And I'm already humiliated enough by this. It felt as though I could run to my room, and shut the door, and keep the reality 'outside' where I'd never have to deal with it again. I felt like...if I could just avoid this long enough, it would all go away. Or maybe I just wanted them to feel so guilty about breaking my heart like this, that they'd be forced to come up with a way to get back together. I don't know...but here I am, in my room, with this dumb book as my only safehaven from that nightmare outside.
I've been locked up in here for over two hours now. Nobody even came to knock on my door. I've cried until I just didn't have any tears left, and when I was replenished...I cried some more. You know...I actually thought about how embarrassing it's gonna be to tell Sam that my parents are splitting up? Is that a silly thing to be thinking about right now? It literally popped into my head for no reason. I don't want any of my friends to know. Weird.
I'm actually pretty hungry right now. I don't know...I just wanna snack on something sweet. But I can't go back out there. If I open my door, my mom is gonna want to 'talk'. I don't wanna 'talk'. I can't 'talk'....not now. Not about anything for any reason. I'll just wait until she goes to sleep. That's all.
Oh yeah...Simon. Might as well put that in here while I'm thinking about it.
I went to go see him like I was 'ordered' to. I feel like I have a parole officer now or something. The strange thing is, he didn't really instigate any kind of argument today. Not that he really did before, but...I expected to trade a few verbal blows with him here and there before our session was over. Instead, he was professional and to the point and just started...actually...tutoring me. Nothing else. I don't know what it was about that that really bothered me...but it did. It was like he was ignoring the whole conflict, and I didn't want him to. I wanted him to feel it twisted up in his stomach like I did everytime I saw him in the hallway. He did look at me a couple of times, like he wanted to say something but didn't. You know, like he was 'examining' me or something. I don't know, he was just being a freak today. But hopefully I won't have to do this tutoring thing for too much longer. My next test is coming up in a couple of weeks, if I ace it, I'm sure my teacher will let me go. We'll see.
So...that's it. At least, that's all I wanna talk about. My dad left the house a while ago, my mom isn't speaking to me, and I'm trapped in my room with no food. Whatever. Life is shit.
Divorce....can you believe it? Divorce.
I've gotta go. Later.
Saturday - Um....ok. I think I just found out what the true meaning of 'bittersweet' is today. It's weird and it's wild and it still blows my mind...but...I've been emotionally bashed and uplifted within a few hours' time...and I still feel kinda confused about what to think at the moment.
I won't lie, I woke up this morning hoping to forget everything that happened yesterday. I was hoping that none of it happened. Or that if it actually DID happen, then it would be fixed by the time I opened my eyes, and some well deserved apologies would be made in my direction. Well, naturally, that just isn't reality. The FIRST thing on my mind this morning was the fact that my father was never going to be a part of this household ever again. Never. He wasn't coming back. It made me regret not seeing it sooner. It made me wish that I could have taken better advantage of the times when he was here. I felt stupid, and angry, and sad, and....guilty.
What if I had told my mom about that other lady right away? What if I hadn't spent time fighting with my dad, and just spent more time over there on the weekends? What if I could have come between them when they started fighting in the first place? If I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own bullshit life, I could have devoted some time into saving my parents' marriage. It was all my fault for just not paying enough attention. For not seeing the signs. For not calming them down when they really got angry with one another. I just...I wasn't good enough at anything to keep them together. Paretns always stay together for the kids. At least...they do when the kids are worth it. I dunno, maybe it's my mom's fault for nagging him. Or maybe it's my dad's fault for wanting to be with somebody else. I can't tell. So this fucked up nameless emotions remains suspended in mid air while I try to point it in some useful direction. At least if I had someone to blame for all of this, I could find an appropiate 'enemy' and take out all my anger on them. Instead...that arrow keeps pointing itself back at me...and that just made me sad.
I got up and got dressed and cleaned up without saying anything to my mom. There was this bubbling fear in my chest that warned me to steer clear of her for as long as humanly possible. Like I said yesterday, I don't wanna 'talk' about anything. I don't wanna discuss what happened last night, and I certainly don't want to hear any more prerehearsed garbage about how they both love me and how it's not my fault. I can see that on your average tv sitcom and get the same message. If they want my attention, then tell me why they would want to hurt me like this. Let them explain how they could hurt each other like this. Or why they would get married in the first place if they didn't wanna be together forever. Maybe they can tell me how I'm supposed to get through the rest of my life knowing that my parents couldn't hack it as a couple, and decided it would be better to rip half of my life away from than to suffer through a few pointless arguments about what color the living room curtains should be.
Whatever. I just didn't want to talk to her. So as soon as I was ready, I left the house. I just....left. I didn't say anything to her at all. She called out my name when she saw me, and the table was set for breakfast...but I just didn't look back. I walked out the door, with no particular destination in mind, and left my house behind without so much as a 'see ya later'. Strange feeling. Kinda scary.
I thought I was gonna be in SO much trouble when I came home!
I didn't really have any idea where I was going or what I was going to do between now and the amount of time it took me to get the courage to go back home. So I moped around the neighborhood for a bit, and ended up at a park just sitting at the top of a slide. Just to give me some time to think. What can I say? I was totally miserable. Occassionally I'd feel this big ball of anger building up inside of me, and I felt like I just wanted to punch something as hard as I could. But just as that rage hit its peak...it would shrivel up again, and I'd be even more depressed than before. It got so bad that I couldn't even sit still anymore and left the park entirely.
How I ended up walking over by Brandon's house, I'll never know. Maybe it was just some weird subconscious thing that led me there. Who knows? But when I got close enough to recognize the street, I just walked down and decided to see if I could hang out for a while. If for no other reason than to keep my mind off of things. I rang the doorbell, and there he was. He looked sooooo cute with his hair all crazy, smiling at me. He was just wearing these cotton pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, his fine body looking so yummy and warm in it. It made me smile. "Billy? Dude, what are you doing here? Come in!" He was happy to see me? Did you see that? He was happy!
He took me right to his room, and he had some music playing and the window open. I guessed that he was cleaning up a bit from the stuff on his bed and the floor. It was so comforting to be near him again. I don't know what it is that's so sexy about a boy that just woke up not long ago, but it was making me giggle just being around him. I'm like, "I'm sorry that I didn't call first. I was just around the corner and figured I'd stop by for a second."
And he said, "That's alright. My mom just went out grocery shopping like five minutes ago. So...it's cool that you came over." He was kinda bashful when he said it, but his stare was still flirtatious. So was his smile. God, he's so beautiful, you know? He's all like, "So, what do you wanna do?" He bit his bottom lip a little, and he seemed nervous. It was...hot. Hehehe!
I said, "I dunno....what do you wanna do?" I mean...I already KNEW what I wanted to do, but I didn't want him to know that I wanted to do it! You know? Wait, does that make sense? Ah well, whatever. I just didn't wanna say it right away, in case he thought I was being some kinda pervert or something.
Well, he didn't really...waste much time this time. Hehehe! He really kinda caught me off guard. He had this really big blush on his face, and he walked over to me, placing a kiss on my cheek. I think he was just waiting to see what I did. And then he looked me in the eye, and kissed me softly on the lips. When he pulled away this time, we both kinda blushed and giggled at each other. I don't know why...it just kinda....felt good to laugh, you know? I guess I was a bit awkward about it. Finally, our lips connected again...and we just....let ourselves go. You know that feeling you get when you're walking up on the roof or some place way up high...and even though you're holding on and well balanced, you still have that ache in your stomach that reminds you how easy it would be to fall over the side? That's kinda what it felt like. Just this scary little rumble that turned into this ticklish sensation...and it ran throughout my whole body.
We stood there kissing for a few minutes, and somehow found a smooth way of laying down on his bed to kiss some more. It felt like everything was moving so fast, but...at the same time, everything was in slow motion. I can't really explain it. I just remember us making out on his bed, and...and...with just his pajamas and a pair of boxers on, I could REALLY feel his hardness against me. Like...the shape of it, and the length too. He was...um...big. Probably bigger than me. Certainly bigger than me. And somewhere in all of this kissing and rolling around, I kinda....'touched' it with my hand. I don't know...my hand just kinda grabbed it all by itself. Our kissing stopped, and Brandon whimpered a little bit, looking down to where my hand was. I remember getting really scared because I thought that maybe I had gone a bit too far. But...instead of him stopping me, he just kinda stared at his bulge and my hand on top of it for a few minutes...and then he....wow....
He looked up at me with the naughtiest grin ever, and he slipped his thumb into the elastic waistband of his pajamas. Then he....he lifted it way up...and then pulled it down. I litterally moaned when I saw it. Omigod it was so 'pretty'! Everything about Brandon was so fucking pretty! It was long, and kinda skinny, with this really pink blush to it. And it was like...moving a little bit. Like with his heartbeat. And he had some hair too, but not a lot. A little more than me, but the bush was, like, all in one place, you know? Wow...just..wow. He looked up at me, and I looked at him, and we both smiled for a moment. And then I looked back down at it, and I loosely wrapped my hand around it. It seemed like it swelled up instantly in my hands, and his hips lifted up a bit from the mattress. I remember that he was breathing really hard, and when I ran my thumb over the tip of it, it got wet and sticky. But it was really slick too. I only gave it one stroke or two, and he buried his face in my neck and started kissing me there. I almost exploded just holding it there. I wanted it in my mouth soooooo bad! I thought this was it, and that we were finally gonna do it. And my mind was exploding with so much random stuff and heavy emotion. Then the backdoor opened.
I heard bags rattling and got scared, but Brandon got up and walked over to the door of his bedroom. His pajamas were still pulled down, and cupped under his balls, and he was all hard and sticking straight out in front of him. I blushed just watching him walk. He said, "Mom?" And she answered, asking for help with the groceries. He yelled back, "Ok, just a second." Then he came back over to the bed as I sat up. I think he was getting ready to tell me that we had to stop, but instead, I just grabbed him by the waist...and I kinda pulled him forward and put it in my mouth! I DID! Swear to God!!! His knees bent a little bit, and he yelped out of surprise. I don't think he had ever felt something like this before. I only got a few quick sucks in before his mom called for him again. I was sitting on Brandon's bed, sucking him off with the DOOR OPEN!!! Holy shit, that was awesome! He tasted exactly like I thought he would taste! No wait...BETTER! Yeah, totally better! It was just like that sweet clean scent that he always had when he was in school. The kind of pleasant aroma that lingers in someone's sweater when they take it off. That's just how he tasted. But sweeter, and better, and sexier. Oh GOD...I gotta go jack off right now just thinking about it!!!
That's as far as I ever went with Brandon before! And you know what? It was so...man...it was soooo....incredible! It was better than anything I've ever experienced in my life before! I just wanted to suck him so hard and...ugh! I wanted to keep GOING! I wish we didn't have to stop. I wish his mom had stayed gone for a while longer. I wish I had jumped Brandon the second I walked in the door instead of wasting time. But at least I got to see it! And I got to hold it! And I got to TASTE it! That is gonna stay with me forever!
Ok, yeah, I'm totally too hard to keep writing this now! I'm gonna jack off, and then I'm gonna call him.....and then I'm prolly gonna jack off again. I just...sighhh....I just wanna hear his voice again, you know? Just to make it real, and make sure that I didn't just dream all this. Ok...so ya....'bittersweet'. A really bad 'good day'. Or is that a really good 'bad day'? I don't know. But it's something wacky like that. I don't know whether to be bummed out or bouncng around the room. But...at least it's something to write about.
Talk to you later.