Monday - Today was weird. And I guess...it kinda leaves me in the middle of being happy and being...um...I dunno...not as happy. It's hard to explain.
All damn day, I've been running into Bobby Jinette! And he is constantly giving me this knowing smile! You know...like...."I know you remember what we did this weekend!" You know? It's like he was TEASING me with it! Like...like...he just KNEW that I was gonna wanna do it again! But I'm NOT! I'm not even thinking about it! We had our goodbye, and it's over with! Done! We said goodbye, and..and...I felt bad for breaking his heart, but what happened was just another accident. So I'm not even tempted to be with him again. I don't care how succulent his ass looked in those pants. Or how puffy and pouty those kissable lips were. Or...or...that cute little shrug in his shoulders he does when he's trying to be confident, but he's really just hiding his shyness instead. Being 'cute' is NOT love! Being strongly attracted to someone is NOT love either! Even....even though we have mad passionate sex together, and even though he blows my fucking mind every time we get naked together, that doesn't mean that I'm in love with him. It just means that I'm horny, and I'm screwing up what really matters here. So that's gotta stop. And it's gotta stop today. No.it's ALREADY stopped! It stopped the second that door closed behind me on Saturday! So we're done! I just....I wish he'd stop smiling at me like that. It makes me nervous. Because it's like this...'invitation' to have him whenever I feel like it. And he even said that he wouldn't tell. That's SO not fair! It's like an irresistible bribe or something. Arrrgh! Whatever. It's over. In fact, I'm gonna stop writing about it right now.
So....seeing Brandon today was an uncomfortable experience. And that's a severe understatement! I couldn't even look him in the face today. I was SO ashamed! It was like shoving sharp shards of ice into my heart every time he smiled at me. All I could think about when I was talking to him was Bobby's thighs wrapped around my face while I sucked him off as hard as I could! That entire afternoon was just this emotional explosion that I had been holding back since the last time we had sex, and I was just hoping and praying that I had satisfied that particular sexual hunger and could go on without it from here on out.
And that's ANOTHER thing! I mean, in gym class today, Bobby seemed to be showing off his ass while I was getting dressed! What was THAT about??? I don't care! It's like he just wanted to flaunt the fact that I really enjoyed sinking myself into that deep, hot, tight, wet, hole of his!
Whatever! I'm not writing about him anymore. I'm talking about BRANDON here! Right?
Ok, so I'm trying to avoid Brandon's eyes, because I totally believe that he'll be able to see my betrayal in an instant if our eyes connect. I'm not good at hiding these things, you know? One time my mom asked me who ate half of the cookie dough in her mixing bowl, and I broke down into this weird tear filled confession of everything that I done over the past three weeks and counting! I don't think I'm a very good liar, especially when I'm feeling guilty about what I did. Wow....does that mean that I never felt guilty about Bobby and me until just this past weekend? Maybe I didn't. Makes sense. After all, Brandon and I weren't together then. But this was...sighhhhh....different.
Anyway, Brandon mentioned me going to lunch with Sam and Joanna again. I really did NOT want to sit at their lunch table. Not ever again. But...the idea of not being around Brandon while this miserable guilt trip was sitting on my shoulders, was very tempting indeed. So, reluctantly, I kinda lied and told him that I set up a lunch date with Sam and Joanna for tomorrow. Which means...I kinda have to DO it now. And that sucks, but...whatever. How bad can it be, right?
I'll sit down, eat our school pizza, which for some reason is in the shape of an octagon, and drink a soda from the machine, and that'll be that. It's only 45 minutes. Hell, I'll spend a third of that time just waiting in line to get my lunch. And I'm gonna spend most of my time talking to Sam anyway. Joanna will hardly be able to get a word in edgewise. Sam and I are the best of friends. Always will be. So she doesn't stand a chance of coming between us. Not when both of us are actually there! You know, now that I think about it, I mightactually be looking forward to this. Afterall, it'll just prove how close we really are, despite her 'gimme gimme' attention sucking presence. We'll see.
Something else weird happened today. I made sure to talk to Jimmy today, if for no other reason than to make him feel guilty for forcing me to hurt Lee's feelings this weekend. But he seemed to be in a really odd mood. So I kinda stopped myself and asked him what was wrong. And he asked me, "Billy...what do you think of Stacy?"
And I'm like, "Stacy who?"
And he says, "My friend, Stacy. Just...what do you think of her?"
Ok, so that was completely out of left field. I told him, "She's...nice, I guess. Why?" He didn't answer me at first, but then I asked him, "Dude, are you gonna try girls now, or something?"
He gave me a look like I had just forced him to eat an earthworm or something. "Um...NO!" Geez, hehehe, I didn't think the idea would be so offensive. "Stacy's my friend, that's all. You know she likes you, right?"
And I said, "Oh.....yeah. Kinda." But I didn't have anything else to say about that. I am NOT getting myself involved in that again.
So Jimmy asks me, "So...do you like her?"
I'm like, "I don't know." Sorry, it was the first thing that came to mind.
He's like, "How can you not know whether or not you like somebody?"
And I said, "I...I just...I don't know." Why was he putting me on the spot like that? That's not cool. I know that whatever I say to him is gonna go right back to Stacy. So it can and will be used against me. It's kinda hard to just say, 'Ewww, no! Tell her no!'.
The funny thing is, I think Jimmy wanted me to say no and keep me all to himself. Even though I wasn't technically his. Finally he just said, "Well, she likes you a lot. So talk to her or something when you get a chance." And he closes his locker and starts to just...leave.
I'm like, "WAIT! Does she know that you told me she likes me???"
And he says, "Yep!" THAT'S no fair! He suckered me! Now the next time I see her, she's expecting a reaction. It's like being served a court summons. FUCK! Now I've got to find a way to avoid her too!
Oh yeah, you wanna know something ELSE Bobby did today? I'm sorry, just one more thing, and then I'll stop thinking about him entirely. But he was talking to me outside during gym, and I was kinda trying not to listen, because....frankly...just seeing the way he looks at me sometimes, it makes me hard. I think he's actually broadcasting sexual thoughts into my subconscious mind or something. Anyway, at one point he says, "Well, I usually get pretty bored on the weekends. It's just me in the house all alone every Saturday and Sunday for hours at a time. So...it's always good to have company." Yeah, THAT'S subtle, right? He really thinks he can just 'have' me, doesn't he? I be he's sitting at home right now, planning on me coming over this weekend and doing him again. That pisses me off. I'm not giving him the satisfaction. Psh! 'I won't tell', he says. Like that's supposed to count for anything.
Ok, ok, ok...no more Bobby Jinette! I just wanted to put that out there, so I'll remember how silly it was for him to even try.
Oh, and I started my very last week of tutoring with Simon today after school. You know...as much as I dreaded even being in the same room with him at the beginning, I think I'm actually gonna miss him when this is over. I mean, I began to remember why I liked him so much in the first place. He was sweet, and he made me laugh, and sometimes his mind would wander off into these weird topics of conversation that would just captivate you in the first few sentences. And then, just as things were getting interesting, he'd have to shake himself out of it and go back to work. Hehehe, he could be goofy sometimes, but it was adorable on him for some reason. Still...I don't think that we'll ever be able to be actual 'friends' again. Not like before. I just...I don't see it happening. Something has probably changed, and I don't have any way to fix it. Which sucks, but, I guess it's my own fault.
Anyway, he gave me a practice test today, and he'll grade it and go over the mistakes with me on Wednesday, and then on Friday we'll be done. I can't believe it's been that long already. You know, if I thought he could keep it a secret, I'd tell him. I know that I never thought I'd tell anybody, but...I think I would tell him. When I think about it, I can't tell if it's fear that makes me shake like that...or if it's just plain excitement. He might understand. I'm sure he'd accept it faster than Sam would. And he already said that it didn't matter, right?
Yeah...maybe I'll tell him. Maybe he can be my first. Hehehe, wow, there goes that shiver again. You know what? I think that IS excitement.
I've gotta go. But I'll write more soon. Later.