Friday - Okaaaay...something...somewhere....got a bit twisted up while I wasn't looking. Things are supposed to be GOOD right now! Right? I mean...RIGHT?
Ok, so things aren't BAD at the moment. I couldn't really complain that everything is fucked up. But...it's like...I'm almost on the verge of being really truly happy for what feels like the first time in my whole life. And for some reason, there's this one little last gap that's keeping the circle from being complete...and I just can't close it no matter how hard I try.
Look, I know that Brandon admitted that he loved me. I mean, that alone should have me bouncing off the walls from now until there aren't any walls left to bounce on. So, I'm...sighhh....I GUESS I'm happy about that. But....I didn't want it to just...like....STOP there! I don't wanna have him tell me once and then just go back to being friends again. I wanna KISS him again! I wanna hold him, and talk to him about us being together, and lick him from head to toe until my tongue hurts! I wanna grab a handful of his ass while I'm making out with him! I wanna know what his balls taste like! Hehehe, I know that sounds perverted, but it's true! I'm ready to enjoy some of the benefits from having a beautiful and sweet boyfriend like Brandon on my arm. And he's just...he's holding back sooooo much! I can't stand it! He likes me. I KNOW he likes me. He just...being weird.
Everytime I see him at school and just want to...I dunno....bask in his radiance for a couple of minutes...he starts looking around us and getting nervous like I'm buying a key of cocaine from him or something. I don't get it. He talks so low that I can barely hear him at all, and he shrugs away from me if I try to touch him. He won't even talk about it on the phone. What did I do? I'm not being too gay, am I? Do I look at him like I'm super gay or something? I don't think so. I mean, nobody else knows. It's not like I'm gonna skip around the halls wearing pigtails and singing 'Brandon's My Favorite Gay Butt Buddy' all day. I just wanna....'whine'....I wanna be close enough to him to express how I feel. You know? I can't just keep holding it in all the time. It wants to burst out of me every second of the day. The only thing that keeps me SANE is seeing his smile a few times a day. What's wrong with me being totally in love with my boyfriend?
Sighhh...I don't know. Maybe he just needs a little bit more time. I asked is he wanted to come over tomorrow. My mom will be home allllllllll day, which fucking SUCKS...but at least I'll get to close to my baby for a while. And I'm sure that I'll be able to sneak a kiss in every now and then. Oh GOD, it's gonna be so HOT to kiss him again! And I haven't even PREPARED myself for the idea of what SEX is gonna be like! Oh geez! I'm totally hyperventilating right now! Gotta calm down! Oh wow, I just know he's gonna be the most delicious thing I ever had in my mouth! I've got a bad case of the wiggles just THINKING about it!
Anyway, that aside, something really bugged me today. I can't say why, really...but it just gave me this negative itch, and I can't seem to get rid of it. You see, Sam called me shortly after I got home from school today, and asked where I was at lunch. I guess after running out on him two days in a row, he was curious as to why I wasn't there anymore. So I apologized, like, "Dude, I'm sorry. I've just been doing a lot of running around lately. That's all."
And he says, "Well, don't go being a stranger! I'm just getting used to hanging out with you again, ya dork!"
It was really cool to be comfortable talking to Sam again, you know? I can't imagine how I made it through that long period that we weren't talking. But then...at one point in our conversation...he asks me, "Hey, I'm going to the mall tomorrow to pick up some new sneakers. You wanna come with?"
But I had already invited Brandon over tomorrow, so I said, "Nah, no thanks. But maybe I can catch up with you on Sunday or something." Which he was fine with. But things got weird when I said, "I'm surprised you wanna go anywhere near the mall these days."
He said, "Hehehe, why is that?"
And I asked him, "Aren't you scared that you're gonna run into your EX over there?"
I was totally joking, and expected Sam to joke with me. He said, "My EX?"
So, I'm like, "Yeah...the girl you just broke up with? Hellooooo?"
There was a pause on the phone, and Sam said, "Well...we didn't really...break up. I mean...we had a fight and all...." He stopped for a second, and I couldn't tell if he was serious or not. "...I mean...we're just not speaking right now. But...we're not....exactly...."
And now it was my turn to entertain a long pause. I said, "Oh....oh ok." And suddenly I didn't know how to get back to our conversation. It was like this thick black cloud of discomfort moved in between us, and we couldn't cut our way through it.
Finally, he made some awkward attempt to say goodbye. He's like, "Well..I kinda got homework and stuff. So I guess I should go. I'll talk to you later, k? Maybe Sunday?"
And I said, "Sure. Sunday sounds great." And he hung up. I can't shake the feeling that the knife that had been stabbed in my back so long ago....was still lodged in me somewhere back there.
No....I'm being dumb. They're not talking. They were fighting. Sam and I are friends again. He already APOLOGIZED for even seeing her. There's no chance that they're gonna get back together. That would just be stupid. They BROKE UP! Breaking up means no 'getting back together'. It's over, done with, finito. It's sad to think that Sam would even wanna hold on to someone like Joanna anyway. She's been a total bitch to him, why would he wanna spend another moment with her. She's selfish, she's self absorbed, greedy for attention, bossy, and rude on top of it. Why would Sam wanna be with her when he can spend time with me at the Hill? It would be better than having his nuts in her vice like grip twenty four hours a day.
Anyway, I don't wanna get too deep into anything tonight. I wanna finish my homework early this weekend if I can so I have all day to just concentrate on Brandon tomorrow. He better come over. I'm gonna be so pissed if he changes his mind at the last minute. Hehehe, what am I saying? I could never be mad at him. God, I hope he comes over tomorrow. If I can get just ONE kiss to let me know that what happened before was real...I'd be happy! That's all I want tomorrow, is ONE long kiss! For like...30 seconds! NO! No, like....2 minutes! Or actually, FIVE minutes! Yeah! I just wanna kiss Brandon for five minutes. Sighhhh....five minutes of lip to lip action. Wth tongues too. And laying down on our sides so I can touch his ass while we do it! Yeah....that would be awesome. :)
Gotta go! I'll see ya soon! ::Kiss::
- AHHHHHH!!! SWEET!!! I GOT MY KISS!!!
Oh man...I feel like I wanna cry right now! Do you have any IDEA how in love I am! It's all I think about, all I write about! It's like going insane, but enjoying every minute of it!
When he came over, all I could think about was kissing those lips! I, like, focused on them the second I opened the front door. He has got to have the most beautiful lips that I've ever seen before. They're almost a bit 'girly', they're so soft. And when he blushes...oh wow...when Brandon blushes, it's like my whole world comes to an end, and doesn't start over again until he stops.
My mom, being the kind of hostess that she always is when my friends are around, ordered a pizza and practically made Brandon sit at the kitchen table with us to eat some lunch. Conversations with parents are always so awkward. Especially when it's your secret boyfriend sitting next to the one woman on Earth who has seen you naked more times than she can count. But I think we pulled it off pretty well. Still....I couldn't...I just....I couldn't stop staring at him! He was beautiful beyond any and all comprehension today, and now that I've been given this free pass to actually enjoy and admire that beauty...it's become the most addictive activity in my life. I might even give up masturbation as my number one compulsive habit. In fact, I might just give it up all togther!
(Don't hold me to that...)
So, my mom is being all 'witty' and fun...you know, in that adult kind of 'used to be cool' kinda way. And Brandon is being all polite and sweet, and every time he calls her Mrs. Chase...it just....it sent chills down my spine. It was so CUTE, you know? I wanted to jump across the table and smother him with kisses whether my mother approved of it or not! I kept looking at him across the table, and he kept smiling and looking away from me. Then his cheeks would turn pink, and I'd melt, and I had to fight so HARD to keep my mom from seeing me squirm! Finally, I just had to down all of the pizza I had on my plate, and guzzle my soda, just so we could get away from that damn table!
Brandon and I were practically giggling as we got back to my room, and I slammed the door shut the second we were both inside. I didn't wanna 'scare' him or anything, so it's not like I jumped him right away. But I stood right in front of him, looking up into those big adorable eyes of his, and he laughed at me for being so dan axious. Then he says the SWEETEST thing to me! He says, "God, Billy...it feels so weird being able to tell you this...but...I love you." He kinda sighed when he said it, and giggled softly when he was finished. And I could NOT believe that he was actually being affected by this emotion the same way I was! I mean...I get Brandon, and all he gets is...well...me. The fact that that's enough for him is like the most incredible feeling ever. So...he bites the corner of his lip again, and he knows how that drives me CRAZY when he does that! And I couldn't help myself anymore.
So I put my fingers in two of his belt loops, and I pulled him closer. He's tall. I had almost forgotten how tall he was. And I told him, "I've been wanting to kiss you again since...forever." Did that even make any sense? Who knows? Who cares?
And he says, "Me too." And I'm shaking and nervous, and he has to, like, find some way to hold me and put his arms around me that isn't awkward...and then he leans forward and closes his eyes. And I pull away from him and turn my head to the side quick...to let out this really sick belch! Hahaha! I guess I drank that soda a lot faster than I thought! Brandon literally started cracking up, and we were both laughing about it. But it was embarrassing! Argh! Lucky for me, Brandon just waited until we stopped laughing, and then he leaned in again to kiss me. I just can't describe it. I can't tell you what it's like, kissing the biggest dream you've ever had. To actually feel the warmth of his arms around you, and those succulent lips pressed against your own, and the breeze of his breath blowing against your cheek as he kisses you. Oh man...if I could only bottle this stuff and sell it, it would be the heaviest narcotic known to man!
We kissed, and kissed, and kissed some more. Then my mom knocked on the door to find out what was going on in my room since we were being so quiet. We convinced her that it was nothing, but as soon as she left, I closed the door again and we turned some music on to cover us. This time, we laid on the floor behind my bed, and wrapped ourselves up in one another...making out and rolling back and forth for what seemed like hours. When I was on top of him, he held me so gently. So tenderly. And when he was on top of me, I could feel the push of his hips into me, and something really hard in his pants rubbing up against me. I had to seriously try to concentrate on something else to keep from...um...letting loose. He is the DREAMIEST damn boy ever created! And he's MINE! I can just close my eyes right now and imagine his smile, and it'll send me into orbit all over again! I LOVE HIM!!!! SOOOO MUCH!!!
He wouldn't really let me go any further. Mostly because my mom was in the house. So I guess it was a good idea to keep our clothes on. But Brandon was all for making out for a while longer. It was the only thing we did all day! My mom definitely kept us on our toes with her constant interruptions, but all we needed to do was make eye contact, and we were kissing again. It was everything I knew it would be and more. My heart is, like, folding itself in half right now over that boy! Hehehe! I love him so much it hurts to think about him. I can't sit still. I have to....I have to call him. Right now. I'm gonna stop writing this. Sorry...I need to hear his voice. I'll write more later. Promise.
(Ps- He kisses MUCH better than AJ! Even better than Bobby Jinette! And better than Jimmy...but that goes without saying! He talked me into that one! Hehehe!)