Wednesday - I feel like I'm seriously losing it, you know?
I'm trying to just....get up, go to school, get through my day, and come home again, without everything falling apart on me. But...this feeling in my heart just keeps getting fucking...WORSE with every breath I take!
Every day that I'm apart from him is like another day without food and water...and the hunger pains are getting to the point where I almost can't bear them any more.
I'm SORRY, Brandon! I'm soooooooooo sorry! Why won't he listen to me? Why won't he understand that I'd give ANYTHING to make this all go away?
It hurts. I can't make it STOP hurting. I CAN'T stop thinking about him, and whenever he crosses my mind it's a little more excruciatingly painful than it was the last time he crossed my mind And since 'crossing my mind' happens every ten seconds...you can IMAGINE how bad it's gotten since Sunday.
My schoolwork has been...well...it looks about as good as I feel. There was a test in my science class today, and I basically spent half the period just staring at the paper, trying not to cry. I barely had time to do much more than put my name on it before I had to turn it in. I tried to hurry up and guess at as many questions as I could, hoping to play the odds, but even then, I wasn't more than a third of the way finished. Even if I miraculously got EVERY question I answered right...I'd still fail. I just couldn't concentrate, that's all.
There's something about being hurt that makes it exhausting being around people with any happiness to share whatsoever. So I kinda avoided Simon today, even when he greeted me with a grin in the hallway...I just...I told him I'd see him later and kept walking. I didn't want to hear any good news. None at all. And he's 'happy' so I'm sure his cheerful attitude would be like Kryptonite to me at this point. I even made a detour around Jamie Cross today in the hall, barely lifting my eyes to look at him. He gave me a weird look, as this was probably the first time in his life that he didn't see me trembling in his presence. But I had to keep walking. I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be cheered up, I didn't want to have anyone else's misery join me, I didn't want to 'open up' about it...I just wanted to suffer in isolation for a while.
I doubt that I deserved any better anyway.
I did see that one kid again though. The one with the little dreads that I met in the bathroom. I ha almost forgotten his name until I heard his voice. For some reason that made things click. I said, "Hey, Trace." But I kinda wanted to keep walking.
He was like, "You know something? You've been a big sad dope ever since your party Saturday night, dude. Did you get caught or something?"
I'm like, "Kinda. But I don't know what kinda trouble that means yet."
And he's all, "So what's bugging you? You look like somebody killed your dog."
I said, "I don't wanna talk about it."
He raised his eyebrows, and then backed off about it. "Alright. I can take a hint. But...you know...if you decide you wanna lose the funk and chill for a while, come see me." I guess he was being friendly enough...I just didn't want to deal with it at that particular moment, you know? Trace is...he's nice and all...but I can't be around people right now. I never know which way my emotions are going to swing at any given moment. And if it comes down to me breaking down into tearful sobs and sniffles beyond control...I'd rather be in a room all by myself when I do it.
The only people that I can't seem to dodge for very long is Sam and Joanna, who see a very serious problem in my eyes every time they look at me, and have made it a mission to be my 'closest' means of support. Can't understand why. They didn't seem to feel so responsible for my feelings when they were running kissing and making out behind my back. I was hurt then too. Where was all this determination and support back when I needed it?
Sighhh...no, that's not fair. They're just trying to help They just....arrrgghhh! They don't seem to understand. I don't WANT to 'laugh' right now! I'm sorry if my bad mood is fucking up their happy little 'sunshine world'...but this isn't something that I can just shrug off of my shoulders like it doesn't matter. Sam is lucky that he's being so damn cute about it all, otherwise I'd be hiding from them too.
Joanna, on the other hand, every day she seems to look deeper and deeper into everything I am in attempts to find an answer. And honestly, today...there was almost a moment when I thought that it might do me some good to just...'tell her'. I know that sounds CRAZY...especially since she's already PROVEN that I can't really trust her the way I would have to in order to reveal something this...big. But her eyes were almost...like...like she knew already, you know? I don't know...maybe I'm just being stupid again.
Anyway, when we left the lunch table, and Sam was ready to walk her to her next class, Joanna gave me a hug. Like...and actual 'hug', you know? And she's like, "Billy...give me a call later on tonight. Ok? I wanna talk to you."
I said, "Don't worry. I'm fine. I just need some time to clear my head, that's all."
She's all like, "Yeah, I know. But....call me anyway. K?" She touched my arm, and then she walked over to take a hold of Sam's hand and go to class with him.
Let me just save you the suspense. I didn't call. I WON'T call. Whatever it is that she's trying to do, she's gonna have to try a lot harder to get it to work. Because I'll be damn if I just foolishly HELP her to 'out' me in front of the whole school. I'm not THAT big of an idiot.
Bobby Jinette did a pretty damn good job ducking me in the halls, but he couldn't just keep ditching gym. He was gonna have to show up eventually, and he was gonna have to stand right here next to me while I tried to decide whether or not I could get away with fucking choking him to death where he stood. So I saw him creep his 'relationship wrecking' ass into the locker room today. Not to change, mind you...because he was already in his school gym uniform. He must have run into a nearby bathroom to change or something. But he HAS to walk through the locker room to get to the gym, and I caught sight of him when he did it. Plus he locked his clothes up in the locker across from mine. He kinda peeked up at me from under his hair, shaking and trembling and shit! GOOD! He SHOULD be scared of me! I should have swung on him the second I saw his face. But instead, I just ignored him, and he hurried out of there quickly after. I couldn't see enough of his face if he was sad about it, but I couldn't care less. Honestly...I hope he is. For every second that 'I'M' hurting...I hope HE'S hurting ten times worse! And I know that sounds like a fucked up thing to say...but until I can get Brandon to talk to me again...until I can reason and explain things to my boyfriend...I can't even stand to LOOK at Bobby! Like...at ALL!!! He DIDN'T have to tell him! I was TOTALLY wrong to do it...but he just....HE DIDN'T HAVE TO FUCKING TELL HIM!!!! Whatever. He just makes me SICK! And being anywhere near him just...it just....it reminds me of how much it hurts...being without my sweetheart.
Well, I'm not gonna stay too much longer. Not that I don't have anything else to say, I just...I know if I keep writing, then it's gonna turn into this big whiny text about how bad I feel despite what I did to deserve it. And honestly...I just don't have the energy to complain any more. I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up until this heartbreak is gone and the pain is over with.
Sam called three times tonight since I've been home. I suppose it's his way of trying to 'fix things' with his best bud again. Simon called, but he didn't leave a message. I just saw his number on the Caller ID. I can't even imagine what he would want, other than to brag about this new 'girl' interest of his. A reminder of just one more failure that I had before....before I found everything I ever wanted or needed...in Brandon.
Sighhhh....does this ache ever go away? Ever? It's, like, drilling a deep hole in the center of my chest with a very dull blade. And I can't even be mad enough at him to protect myself from it.
It's one of those times when I wish that I could just....'vanish'. Just cease to exist for a little while. Because the more I take oxygen away from people who are more worthy of it...the worse I feel.
The worse I feel.....
I've gotta go. Oh, and guess what? It looks like Jimmy LaPlane just sent me an email a few minutes ago to tell me that he's gotten himself a brand new crush.
Even Jimmy's happy with somebody. Evidently he's a really cute guy too. Just like the one...I used to have.
That's it. No more.