Thursday - Well, it's official. Jimmy LaPlane will probably never talk to me ever again. I saw him in the hall today by his locker, and kind of expected a dirty look, or a total snub when I walked by. But he actually stopped me and said, "You know, you have a lotta fucking nerve, doing what you did to me last night! I KNOW what you're doing! I don't appreciate you talking shit about my boyfriend, and I DON'T appreciate you playing this stupid little game with me, either!"
I'm like, "WHAT 'game'??? I was trying to fucking HELP you, Jimmy!"
But he insisted that I knew what the hell he was talking about. And he looked so....Arrrgh! He looked so damn HURT! Like I had just revealed that there was no Santa Claus or something! He's all, "You know what I mean. God, Billy..you can be really CRUEL when you want to be." And he slammed his locker shut and started walking away from me.
I said, "What do you MEAN??? Jimmy....how am I....? How am I being CRUEL? Jimmy? Jimmy, come on, TALK to me!" But he just kept walking away. What the fuck was he talking about NOW??? Every now and then, Jimmy will say something right out of the blue that just confuses the shit out of me. And I don't understand why I'm the target for so much of his...hatred when he gets like this. I just....sighhhh.....I didn't mean to HURT him, ok? I was trying to help. I was looking out for someone that I considered a 'friend'. But it doesn't look like he wants that any more. So....maybe I'm just wasting my time trying to say that I was sorry. Maybe getting his heart broken by AJ is the only way that he's going to listen to anything I have to say. All I know is..I wish I could have protected him from having his emotions dragged over a concrete road full of broken glass. Because I've been there. I've done that. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody. If somebody could have been there to warn me ahead of time...I would have wanted them to do so. I would have wanted to avoid that misery.
I just hope...above everything else...that Jimmy will be alright when it's over. He can yell at me all he wants. But when AJ figures he's through with him and moves on to the next cute boy...I'll be there. Because I CARE! And when he calls, I'm gonna be right there to hold his hand. It's just hard to deal with his bullshit right now.
Speaking of bullshit and heartbreak...I had the brilliant idea of using Brandon's open invitation for a 'friendship' as a `means to talk to him today. It just seemed like the logical thing to do, you know? Stevie stole my boyfriend away from me, so I can just move right in and make an attempt to steal him back, right? How hard could it be? As soon as Brandon sees me smile and starts talking to me again...he can't help but to realize how much he loves and misses me. He's GOTTA still feel something for me in that big heart of his somewhere. So how hard could it be for me to patch myself back into his life. We've been broken up for almost a month now!
Well....maybe that's not really the case here, you know?
I approached Brandon in the hall, and although I was prepared to swallow a little pride in the attempt to make peace with the boy of my dreams...I wasn't really ready to see him so....happy.
More than anything....I think it was THAT element that really threw me for a loop. The idea that he was just...'ok' with the fact that his life didn't have 'ME' in it somewhere. He didn't feel the absence. Not like I did. To me...being away from Brandon's kiss was like trying to quit a cocaine habit cold turkey. It was REALLY starting to hurt me! And I didn't want him to just be so.....OK with it all! You know?
I saw him and said hello, and he said hi back to me. Then I was like..."Sooo....how is everything?"
And you know what he said to me??? "It's better than it's ever been. Honestly, I think this thing with Stevie is really gonna work out I mean...he came over this morning before school JUST to ride his bike over with me. I mean....awww, Billy, he can be really sweet, you know?"
I mean...UGH!!! What the fuck made him think that he could say some shit like that to me and not have it have some serious impact on...well...EVERYTHING!!!
So I'm like, "Oh, well...that's cool." I'm trying REALLY hard to make it seem like I don't really care, you know? But I kinda do care because some other guy is trying desperately to wrap his succulent lips around my boyfriends' dick every minute of the day.
Brandon isn't even doing it to make me JEALOUS or anything! He's like....just sharing this disgusting info with me like I was his 'little buddy' or something. He says, "Billy...are you gonna be ok with this? I mean, I don't mean to ask, like, I don't trust you or anything...I just...if you don't want me to talk about him, I won't."
Great....now he's being nice. I said, "No. It's ok. I understand. You're...like...in love, or whatever."
Brandon smiled and gave me a weird look. He's like, "Well, I didn't say all THAT. Hehehe, we barely know each other. I just wanna see where things go, you know?"
What I said next just kinda 'slipped' out. "So does that mean...you know...um, that you and I won't be..." It was a sentence I never should have started. I should have left it alone. But like I said...it slipped.
Brandon sorta lowered his eyes for a second, and I could feel the rejection coming before he even opened his mouth. He's like, "Billy....come on. I told you...we're not going to magically get back together. Ok? I can't go back to that situation again."
I said, "There's no situation to go back to. Brandon...ugh...I mean, come on...you know I love you, right? You GOTTA know that."
He's all, "Sure. I know. Billy, I love you too..."
Which nearly hade me jumping out of my shoes! "So what's the problem then???"
But hearing that he loved me was a bittersweet moment for us both, I think. Brandon told me, "I don't want to have to look over my shoulder every thirty seconds and wonder if you're looking at somebody else. I don't want to tense up every time you and Bobby share a smile, or wonder what's going on every time Jamie Cross invites you to a party. I don't know if I can handle being afraid of getting hurt all the time. I don't like that feeling. And...I'm sorry...but if we got back together, that's exactly what would happen. I can't love you completely and guard my heart from being broken again at the same time. I don't know how. So...please...can't we just be friends?"
Arrrgh! There's that fucking 'F' word again!!!! FUCK no, I don't wanna be 'friends' with the love of my life! But despite the torture it was sure to bring me, I told him, "Yeah. I guess so." I didn't even pretend to be happy about it, but it wasn't helping to sway him one way or the other.
He's like, "Honestly, Billy...I'm not mad or anything..."
I interrupted him, "I know. Whatever. Forget I said anything."
He's like, "I'm not trying to hurt you..."
And I cut him off again. "I know. You said that already." And before he could come up with another good reason to call me an asshole and go tongue kiss some other boy, I said, "Listen, I've gotta run. But I'll talk to you....well...later, I guess."
And he's like, "Alright. Take care." Right. 'Take care'. Nice send off for someone who just ripped my heart in half and threw it up on the roof of the school. Why did he have to be so damn...LOGICAL about the whole thing. I think I was doing better when he hated me. At least 'hate' can blow over after a couple of weeks. But this...this way of thinking could very well keep him away from me for the rest of my life. And that would be a very sad life indeed.
Look, I've pretty much filled the last few weeks worth of entries with whining and tears, so I'm just gonna stop this here before I get any further into it. I'm kinda tired of feeling like this anyway. The faster I eat dinner and do my homework, the faster I can start forcing myself to sleep. My heart hurts...it literally hurts right now, and as much as I try to put Brandon and Stevie out of my mind...
I just can't.