Friday - Ok, I think I totally lost my concept of reality today. I mean, to say that I was confused would be an understatement. It's not so much that life 'sucks'...or that it's...you know...good. It's just...I feel like I suddenly gotten myself stuck in some kind of emotional limbo, and no matter which way I go, there's a trap waiting for me. It's hard to explain, but it's kinda weird to spend your whole day feeling like someone is about to shake up everything and send it spilling out onto the sidewalk.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
First things first, I saw Jamie Cross in the library today, printing off copies for a party flyer. He's having another party next Saturday, and when he saw me, he was all cheerful and he's like, "Hey Billy, what's up?" Which...still throws me off guard when he does that!!! I mean, I always wanna say, 'who me?' Does he have any idea how much unimaginable pressure he puts on somebody just saying hello? Straight or not, he's still too damn hot to be talking to me so casually. Anyway, I think I mumbled or stuttered some kind of response, while trying to keep my eyes down on his shoes so I don't have to look at those damn blue 'beamer lights' of his. And he hands me a flyer. He's like, "Dude, I've got another party coming up. You gotta come. It'll be killer." Sighhhh.....the paper was still warm. And it had that freshly printer copier smell. I looked up to see a bit of his smile, and my heart started beating fast all by itself. Ugh! I thought I'd be done with this stupid crush by now! It's not even a possibility! He's not available, I'm not available, I've got everything I've want and even MORE on the side. But....for some odd reason, it won't go away. I still get weak in the knees and lose control around him. I've loved him for so long I don't know how to stop. It's fucked up, the way the human heart works.
So, I'm like, "Um...ok. I'll...I'll come by."
Then he says, "Cool! I'll be looking for ya, man. Bring a date." What? Bring a....a...date? He left before I had a chance to say anything else. Bring a date? Was that, like...a suggestion? Or is he just telling me that it's ok if I WANT to bring a date? Or....is he saying that I HAVE to bring a date? Am I gonna look awkward without one? Or...if I come with Brandon, is it gonna look like we're dating? I don't want people to think that we're, like, 'together'. I mean, we ARE together...but we can't be together at party in front of half the school where everyone is supposed to bring a 'date'. I folded up the flyer and put it in my pocket, but just being invited to Jamie Cross party made me more nervous than ever. I can't just not show up. I mean....this is Jamie fucking Cross! He could invite me to IRAQ, and I'd go!
I think I'm gonna think that over some more before I go picking out something to wear.
So...sighhh, I finally gave in and had lunch with Sam and Joanna again. You know when you figure that something is not gonna be any big deal, but the closer you get to actually doing it, the more you try to find reasons to get out of it. I don't understand why having lunch with my best friend was causing me to panic so much, but the very idea of him being a part of a couple now was just so...awkward. Especially since it's with a girl that I made out with before. Yuck! I can't remember why I enjoyed that so much! Brandon is a much better kisser. Then again...so is Bobby. Actually...Jimmy LaPlane wasn't bad either. Maybe it's just me being gay.
Anyway, Sam and I were going to get down to the cafeteria and grab lunch, but when we get to the lunch line, he's like standing to the side outside the door. I kinda stood there with him, and we chit chatted for a minute or two while I tried to figure out what the hell he was doing. I saw him looking over towards the end of the hall, and I finally just say, "So are we gonna get something to eat, or what?"
And he's like, "I can't. I gotta wait for Joey." Joey? He calls his girlfriend Joey? And what does he mean he CAN'T? He doesn't have to wait for anybody. Tell that bitch to meet us over at the lunch table like everybody else. He never had to wait for ME to come down to lunch. Then, a few seconds later, I see her walking towards us, and Sam's whole face lit up. The kind of sudden joyful expression that makes you feel like shit inside, because it's like...you and the whole damn world were just soooo 'boring' until SHE showed up. I felt this jealous sensation creep up into my shoulders, and it only got worse when he instantly took a hold of her hand and kissed her on the cheek. Then you know what he did??? He puts his arm over her shoulder, and then walks her over to the lunch line. He doesn't even WAIT for me! It's like, he forgot I was even there, nd he left me standing in the hallway by myself! What the fuck?
Dude...I tried. I really did try to make the best of this lunch, but they were just so damn....SMOOCHY!!! They were sitting so close together that I half expected her to jump in his lap at any moment. I swear, if Sam leaned over to kiss her one more time, I was gonna be sick! How could he be so in love? I've known him for a LOT longer than SHE has! Was she there when we were building army forts out of pillow cushions and blankets? NO! Was she there when we went to summer camp and Sam fell in the lake and got leeches all over his back? NO! Was she there I got my bike stolen, and me and Sam had to hunt it down at this kid's house and steal it back from him? NO! She just...'appeared' one day out of thin air, and now, all those years of being his best friend in the world have been tossed in the trash! And for what? A couple of make out sessions, and the chance to hold her hand in public? It's so not fair.
Sighhh...I was gonna stop myself and not write this...but fuck it, it's the truth, right?
I...was in love with Sam first.
And just because he's too straight to love me back...that's no excuse for allowing her to take my place in his heart. I really thought that she wouldn't be any competition when it came down to me and the boy that I've shared a lifelong history with. But the fact is, I'm the one who can't compete. I don't like her. I don't like him when he's with her. I don't like myself when I'm with the both of them. So....what do I do? Is this my brain telling me to let Sam go? To just fade away into the past, and forget that I used to have this beautiful best friend once who I can't talk to anymore? How am I supposed to do that, exactly. Much like it was with Jamie Cross...I've been loving him for too long to just stop now.
I'd really like to stop writing about this now. It's depressing enough as it is.
Well, today was my last tutor meeting with Simon. No more afterschool meetings in the student center. Thank God. I'm gonna love having my afternoons free again. But...a piece of me was really gonna miss being around Simon again. And, strangely enough, it's not the 'piece' you think.
Today wasn't really a tutoring session, it was more just a chance to ask any more questions that I might have. And I didn't. So we just wasted the last day talking about little of nothing. You wanna know something, as insane as I was over trying to sleep with Simon a while back...I'm really glad that I didn't go through with it. I mean, he's still really cute, and I'm sure the sex would be awesome if he let me. But, today, when we just got to talk and smile and have a good time as just 'friends'...I realize that some rndom sexual experiment would have fouled everything up. It's, like...so much better without the tension and the nervousness and the uncontrollable desire to bury my face in the side of his neck. I think some cute boys are just made to be buddies, and nothing else. Wow...did I just write that? I should highlight this part, because I doubt I'll ever believe it otherwise.
So, our time was coming to an end, and Simon was like, "So...I guess this is it, huh?"
And I said, "Yeah. I think I'm ready."
And he says, "You'd better be. I don't want your teacher thinking that I shafted you. I earned these credits fair and square. Hehehe!" And he was quiet for a second, and he seemed to be a little bit...I dunno...bashful or something. That's when he said, "You know...if you ever wanna just...'hang out' or anything..." And he trailed off, and then added, "...I mean, just because the tutor sessions are over, it doesn't mean we can't still be friends. Right?"
I said, "Sure. Totally. That would be cool."
Simon looked really relieved when I said that. He's all like, "Great! I mean, I don't have a whole LOT of friends. So...I might as well keep the ones I got, right?" Sometimes I forget that Simon's level of cool doesn't always match what the 'popular crowd' approves of. Still, I missed him. And he was cool about me being gay. So...why not? It'll be nice to have another friend. Especially since Sam seems to be joined at the hip with...'Joey'. Arrgh!
Shit, I've gotta run. It's dinner time. I'll write more later!