Monday - DUDE! I have no idea what happened this past weekend at Jamie's party, but when I went back to school today, it was like EVERYBODY knew me! I mean, upperclassmen were pointing and winking and saying hello to me all day! People I didn't even know! Omigod...what did I do?
I'm not sure what I did to suddenly get so popular, but people evidently noticed me much more than usual. Was it the mere association with Jamie Cross that gave me this shining halo of greatness? Who knows? But I was enjoying it something awful! It was like...being on display in front of the whole world. I have to admit...it felt good. I needed to feel good today. Even if it was just for a little while.
I think it's obvious that giving him the 'hint' isn't going to be enough. Not anymore. I never expected him to be stupid or anything, but I did have this lingering hope that he would just see the few afternoons that we spent together as more of a game than a commitment. Then again, that's my fault, isn't it? As much as I may try to mentally switch it around and make it seem like it was Bobby's fault, it wasn't. I knew that I didn't have any intentions of making Bobby Jinette my boyfriend. It never once entered my mind that I would want anything other than a few sexual interludes and a couple of squeezes of his ass from him. So why did I sleep with him? Why did I let this go on for so long? I should have told him that first day that it was just...'what it was'. Now there are all of these 'feelings' wrapped up in 'feelings', and he's hurting and he just...he's still trying to FIX it. He's trying to repair the damage done to a relationship that never existed. How do you back away from that without hurting him even worse, you know?
He found me in the halls earlier in the day, and I didn't expect to see him until much later. He made it seem like he was just passing by my class at that particular moment, but I'm sure that he was waiting for me. Things started off easy enough. He said hello, and smiled a bit, and offered to walk with me for a while. He was trying really hard to be sweet, trying really hard to be cool, but it wasn't really him. It was like this artificial presentation that he put on just to impress me, and....sighhh...I'm sorry, but it just didn't work. I think he could feel that. So finally, he asked, "Billy...did I do something wrong?"
And I'm like, "No, you didn't do anything wrong, Bobby. I just...I've got stuff on my mind..."
And he goes, "You've always got stuff on your mind. And that's cool, but you can share it with me once in a while. I don't mind." And I kinda tried to speed up my pace a bit to get to class faster, but he was right there beside me the whole time. Then he said, "Do you wanna come over after school today?"
And I'm like, "No. I can't."
And he says, "How about tomorrow? Or maybe this weekend? We can just sit and talk. I mean, we don't have to 'do' anything. We can just hang out." Which was beginning to frustrate me.
So I told him, "I CAN'T. Bobby, I'm just busy with a lot of different things right now."
And he says, "Like Brandon?" He mumbled it under his breath, and he had this really pouty look on his face. When I stopped walking, he pulled it back though. In fact, he was quick to apologize. "I'm sorry. I'm being weird. I just...I'm worried you don't wanna talk to me anymore."
What was I gonna say? There was, like, a million people in the hallway, and Bobby was practically humping my leg right in front of them. I just said, "Look, you didn't do anything wrong, ok? We'll....we'll talk soon. Just...not right now." I put it off....again! I let this go on for another day, and I couldn't tell if what I said made Bobby feel any better about anything. But...I think that maybe it's time to use the extra 24 hours to think about what I'm gonna say. This is gonna suck...but what choice do I have? I'm in love with someone else. That's all there is to it.
Shit. I wish this was easier.
Bobby hardly spoke to me at all during gym class. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to play the game. I tried to talk to him a couple of times, and that made his eyes light up as though things were back to what 'he' defines as normal between us. But it never lasted more than a minute or two. It was just a matter of me forcing a few sentences out, and him trying to hold back his excitement when I did. It made every word a labored experience, and Bobby and I already had an awkward connection as it was, so that just made things worse. By the time class was over, we hadn't taken any steps forward, hadn't taken any steps back. And....arrrrgh, I'll admit, I stared at his ass again in the locker room! I still can't believe he offered me a chance to plug away at that ripe melon after it was too late for me to do it. Anyway, he didn't see me, but I've really gotta stop doing that.
How do you tell somebody it's over? Geez. You know, as much as it really hurt at the time...I'm beginning to think that I lucked out with the way things ended with AJ and Joanna. I couldn't have asked for a simpler plan than to just have them 'give up' on me.
As for the boy who I WANT to be with, I had a bit of an awkward moment at lunch today. I was waiting for Brandon down by the cafeteria because he didn't bring his own lunch today. We made plans to go out to the courtyard and just share some quiet time, you know? Somewhere peaceful where I can stare at the beauty of his eyes without worrying about who's watching. They turn this really bright green when he's being flattered. Hehehe, omigod, it's adorable. And when he blushes, it's like the green and the pink and whatever shirt he's wearing at the time all combine into this awesome display of matching colors that just....sighhh...make him the dreamiest boy EVER! Between gazing at his gorgeous face and picturing him naked, I could spend forever with him in that courtyard. I swear.
Anyway, he comes down, and it's the first time that I've seen his smile since we hooked up on Saturday. So naturally, I turn to jelly right in front of him, and he gives me this flirtatious grin as he goes to grab some food from the lunch line. I decided to wait outside in the hall, just in case Bobby was lurking around a corner somewhere in the cafeteria and keeping an eye out for us. And then...I see Sam and Joanna walk up behind me, and Sam's whole face brightens up. He's all like, "Dude! What's UP, man? You came down today! Awesome!"
"Hey, hehehe. Yeah, I came down, but...you know, I brought my own lunch. No school prepared slop for me today." I said softly, kinda trying not to let my eyes wander over in Joanna's direction. But it's not like I could just IGNORE her, she was practically attached to his hip. And he was holding her hand. I decided to try to make an effort, so I kinda glanced at her, and gave her a quiet nod. "Hey."
And she's like, "Hey." But I could totally tell that she was about as thrilled about us meeting face to face again as I was. There wasn't really any hostile vibes going between us, but there was no doubt about it...we were in direct competition for Sam's attention, and she's winning big time.
So then, Sam says, "Well, we're eating at the table over there by the window. Come on over and join us when you get a chance. I'll save you a seat..."
And I told him, "Uhh, actually, I kinda have plans today. I'm sorta...going out....soooo..."
And Sam's all, "Well, where are you going? Maybe we'll just meet you over there instead. I've just gotta get a tray, it'll only take me a few minutes."
I cringed at the idea, and started to cut him off before he got too deep into that plan. "Ummmm.....actually....." And thankfully, Brandon came out of the lunch line to join me again at that moment.
The way Sam's face suddenly dropped, you would have thought that I was being accompanied by Hitler. The expression on his face was instantaneous, and once he realized that he was making a surprised face, he directed his eyes down at the floor. His whole mood had changed, and he got all....'weird' on me again. Like, he wouldn't look at me for more than a second without looking back down at his feet again immediately after. He got uncomfortable, and he held Joanna close as he said, "Well...I see you've got stuff to do, so...I guess..."
I said, "Yeah...um...I guess...we're just gonna go..." Sam being uncomfortable made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable at that moment. Because it made me wonder if something had recently clicked in Sam's mind concerning the time that Brandon and I had been spending together. And that made me even more paranoid, because this would be the third person to suspect that something was going on between us. If Sam can figure it out, and Bobby can figure it out, and SIMON can figure it out...then maybe everybody is starting to come to the same conclusion. Maybe Brandon was right before when he said that he couldn't hide his affection for me around other people. How he was so worried that everyone would know if we were spending time together. I took it to heart when he was holding back from me before...but now I'm thinking that he had the right idea.
Suddenly...having Jamie Cross' party put me in the school's social 'spotlight' wasn't such a good feeling afterall. How long is it gonna be until they start suspecting stuff about us too?
Oh yeah....and Simon...
He's still being quiet about the whole gay thing. He hasn't said a word about it. He won't even bring it up anymore. I just go to see him for my tutoring session, he sits me down, we go over some problems and study methods, do some Q and A, and then he packs up and signs me out as having been there for the whole session. That's it. He's actually being friendly, and normal, and unassuming...and I HATE it! Why doesn't he just SAY it? He knows I like boys. He KNOWS it. I mean, why is he dragging this out for so long? Is he punishing me? Is that what it is? So what if I'm gay? Huh? SO???
He's gotta scheme cooking up, I'll bet ya! He's probably waiting for just the right moment to spring it on me. Probably going to threaten to 'out' me to everybody if I don't do him a favor or something. I'm sure he didn't just forget that I was gay. I denied, but he couldn't have just forgotten. I refuse to believe that.
Yeah...he's cooking up something. Ok...you wanna play this little game, we can play it your way. If Simon doesn't say anything, then I'm not gonna say anything either. We'll just see who cracks first.
Anyway, I've gotta go. Gotta do the dishes before my mom gets the chance to complain. But I'll write more soon.