Wednesday - I just got off the phone with Jimmy. We had an...interesting talk tonight. But before I get to that...
So I kinda woke up feeling all sad and 'ache-y' from last night. I would just kinda cry off and on...but the worst part was the big sucker punch pain running through my stomach. I just wanted to go to sleep and be 'unconscious' for a while. Anything to keep me from thinking about Brandon and Stevie kissing underneath those bleachers yesterday. But I kept seeing it. I kept feeling it. And this wasn't just some emotional heartbreak...I was literally feeling physical PAIN from this. No matter how much I twisted and turned in bed, no matter how many times I rolled over to find a better position, the pain just kept getting worse. I almost wanted to shout out for my mom and risk just telling her the whole story...JUST so she could do something to make this ache go away. Give me some wisdom, give me some advice, or maybe just hold her little boy in her arms and let him cry for a while. Just...just do something to make everything all better. I can't live with this miseryanymore. I'd do anything to make it go away Anything.
I saw them a few times in school today. They seem to be everywhere I am, and they're always together now. I never see Brandon without..that...FUCKING....sighhh...I won't get myself all worked up over that again. It'll just make things worse. I'm trying to just move on. It would help if I didn't have to see their stupid smiling faces anymore. It would help if they just left school and were out of my life altogether. I'm trying my best to ignore them, but they keep popping up everywhere I look. The way Stevie just...'stares' at him sometimes. At least I know Brandon's beauty is being truly appreciated for everything that it is. Because he really is...beautiful....
Sorry. I'm tearing up again. Why am I even writing about this? There's nothing I can do about it I'm supposed to be starting over, right? And I'll do it right next time I'll be better. I won't lose another boyfriend over being stupid. I mean...not having Brandon is sure to hurt for the rest of my life, I know that. I'll always look back and agonize over how much I loved him, and how much it hurt to see him with somebody else. But...right now I just wanna ignore this emptiness inside and be filled up with something else. Anything else.
At one point, Sam saw me staring at the floor so hard to avoid paying them any attention, that he just shut his locker and threw his arm over my shoulder to comfort me. Didn't help much. In fact, it almost made me start crying right then and there. But I appreciated the sentiment. I don't think Sam is used to me being so sensitive, but he certainly knows how to be a good friend when I need him to be. He's like, "You didn't lose anything, dude. He's the one missing out." Ok....so maybe that little statement made me feel a little better. If for no other reason than it was a much needed ego stroke.
Oh, and I saw Trace wandering the halls as usual today. According to him, I looked like 'someone had just murdered my pet monkey'. Hehehe! He has a weird way of saying stuff. His little dreads are almost down to his chin now. They look cute on him. Anyway, he could see me sulking and I told him that I was just thinking of something and that I felt like shit. His reply was, "Well, do like I do, Billy. When the whole world turns to shit, go live on the moon." Whatever that means. Again, seeing him smile helped a little bit, but it was merely a temporary fix to a much bigger and more complex problem. And just like with Sam...the second he walked away, I felt all alone again.
My dad called today, and I must have sounded pretty upset because he asked me what was wrong. I'm really not trying to put my emotions on display for everybody ELSE, you know? It may seem that way, but I'm trying to hold it in and hide it as best as I can. It's just...too hard for me to manage after yesterday. It took me nearly fifteen minutes of careful question dodging to get him to stop asking me. He asked if I wanted to go out for my birthday, like to a dinner or a movie or something. My 15th birthday's almost two weeks away, but it's the last thing on my mind right now. Besides, now that my parents are separated, I've got to ask my mom if it's ok. In case she has something planned, you know? It sucks having to divide my birthday up to spend with just one parent instead of both of them. I'd suggest they maybe get together and we could all celebrate it together as an actual 'family'...but that would be a mistake. I know it. Ten minutes in the same room together, and they'll be at it again. Whatever. I'll think of something. Maybe I can spend the morning with my mom and the evening with my dad, or vice versa.
So anyway, like I said, I just got off the phone with Jimmy not long ago. After being spotted so many times for being an emotional wreck, I was trying really hard to sound normal with Jimmy. Unfortunately, he caught me anyway. I was a little frustrated, to be honest. I was like, "What is it? What am I doing that's putting out this 'Billy is feeling down' vibe to everybody?"
And Jimmy goes, "You're a sweet guy, Billy. You smile, and you're upbeat, and you're funny...it's easy to tell when you're not you Even when you fake it. That sparkle just isn't there like it should be." I just sighed into the phone, and Jimmy giggled a bit at my lame attempt to hide my true feelings. "Hehehe, sorry dude. You're too awesome to be less than perfect and get away with it."
He was probably just being flirtatious or something...but yeah...it was cool of him to say that. Anyway, we started talking 'around' the subject, sorta...even though he kept asking me to fill him in on what was going on. And finally, Jimmy just came right out and asked me, "It's Brandon and Stevie, isn't it?" Which caught me by surprise, because it's so easy to forget that he 'knows' about me sometimes. I kinda confessed, and he said, "Yeah...I figured. I know heartache when I see it, believe me. Been there, done that?" Then he's like, "Do you wanna talk about it?"
And I can't explain why I did this, but I actually said no. I was like, "Would you mind if we didn't? I've kinda been trying to avoid that feeling all day. It hasn't been working too well." I asked him if we could talk about something else, and we tried...but I think it really bothered him to hear me feeling so down.
I think he was trying to get me to say something by steering the conversation back in that direction, but I just...didn't let him. The thing is...a funny thing happened while we were hovering over the topic of heartbreak. Jimmy was like, "Yeah, it took a long time and a lot of tears to get over Lee. I mean, everything about him was soooo perfect. It felt like I was losing the only love I ever had."
It made me tear up again just hearing him say it, so I just kinda mumbled, "Yeah..."
Then he says, "But when I really think about it...he really made me happy for that few weeks that we were together...or whatever. And that's what I think about most now."
I had to admit, "God...I never said this to you but...you're SO fucking lucky! Lee is, like, TOO damn hot!"
Jimmy giggled, "You make it sound like you were jealous."
I'm like, "I WAS jealous! I'm STILL jealous! I can't believe you got to have sex with Lee. A bunch of times, no less. And 'all the way' too." I think Jimmy got a kick out of hearing me say that. And at one point I asked him, "So tell me...what was it like? I mean...what's Lee like?"
Jimmy sighed for a second, and I could hear his smile when he spoke. He said, "Really cute. Hehehe, I know that sounds weird, but it's true. Sometimes I would just look at his eyes, and he'd look back at me...and it was like this surreal moment where you can't believe how utterly gorgeous he is. He doesn't get it, I'm sure. Because he would seem confused by the fact that I was staring at him like that. But just when everything seemed too good to be true, this boyish smile would spread across his lips...and he'd touch me in ways that would let me know just how 'real' that moment was." Jimmy sighed again, and he shuffled around a bit on his end. He was like, "Lee is really gentle, you know? And he takes his time. He's really quiet too, but sometimes I could hear little whimpers when I sucked him just right. And he can REALLY kiss too! His lips are sooooo soft. I can't explain it, but he kisses like he's been in love with you his whole life. And his hand gently strokes your cheek, and he presses his body against you...it's like whoah. And he makes the most awesome face when he cums too. His legs kinda move and squirm around, like he can't really get it out for a few seconds, and then he goes stiff, and he cums a LOT! And hard! Hehehe!" I was dead silent while he went through all the details, and Jimmy asked me, "Billy? Are you still there?"
Omigod, I hadn't even realized that I was ROCK hard and leaking at the idea of Lee cumming in my mouth with his legs squirming until Jimmy snapped me out of the fantasy. I was like, "Huh? Yeah. I'm here."
Which made Jimmy giggle again. He's like, "Hehehe, I think someone needs to go 'stroke the soldier'. Don't worry, I think I might need to do it too after all that." Then he said, "But...if it doesn't make you feel weird...I think I'll stroke to the image of you stroking yourself instead. Hehehe! Unless you're gonna let me see the real thing?"
I said, "Whatever, Jimmy. Go get your 'tug' on, and I'll see ya tomorrow."
He's like, "Can I listen to you breathe over the phone at least?"
Which was weird, but it made me laugh, regardless. "Hehehe, get outta here and quit being so freaky." He laughed out loud, but I know he was serious. It's just...I've already gotten into a misleading relationship with Bobby I really don't want to get into that situation with Jimmy. I'd rather just be flattered and keep him as a good friend without the awkwardness.
More weird than anything though, is now I can't seem to get Lee out of my head. I shouldn't be thinking like this. Even if I was divinely blessed with the opportunity to date Lee (and have slow passionate sex with him every chance I GOT!)...it would just be a bunch of other problems waiting to happen. If I go out with Lee, and Brandon sees that, he'll be done with me completely. I'm sure of it. He won't even have to hold on for pity's sake anymore. And what would Sam and Joanna think about me fooling around with one of our close friends? I think that would be uncomfortable for everybody involved. Not to mention that Jimmy would take it hard, especially since Lee dumped him under the condition that he was 'straight'. Lee dating another boy...his first love, in fact...would kill him. And Bobby? Well, Bobby Jinette's trying to be cool about things, but he just doesn't want to see me with anybody.
So...yeah, I'm not gonna open that bag of worms. But...wow...what a concept, right?